English Prose and Other Writings

# Tranquil Echoes The morning arrived without fanfare, the way it always did—a gradual softening of dark into grey, then grey into a pale, uncertain blue. Shibani watched it happen from her window, cup of tea growing cold in her hands, and thought about how life was rather like this: you never caught the precise moment of change. It happened while you were looking away. The house was quiet. Her husband had left for the office two hours ago, pressing a kiss to her forehead that she barely registered. Her daughter was at university now, in another city, wrapped up in a world Shibani could only imagine. And her son—well, her son had his own life, his own apartment, his own reasons for calling less often than he used to. She set the tea down on the sill and it sat there, untouched, forming a ring of condensation on the paint. Through the garden, she could see the old banyan tree, its roots twisted like ancient fingers gripping the earth. She had watched that tree for thirty-two years. Watched it shed its leaves and regrow them, watched birds nest in its hollows, watched children—including her own—swing from its lower branches. The tree never seemed to mind the passing of time. It simply accepted each season as it came. A sparrow landed on the windowsill, cocking its head at her with one black, gleaming eye. They looked at each other for a moment—woman and bird, caught in a parallel solitude. Then it flew away, and Shibani was alone again. She picked up her tea. It was cold now, but she drank it anyway. The afternoon stretched before her like a blank page. She could water the plants. She could read the novel sitting on the coffee table, the one her daughter had recommended months ago. She could call her friend Malini—they hadn't spoken in weeks, though "spoken" was perhaps too generous a word for the polite exchanges they'd taken to having. Or she could do what she had been doing more and more lately: nothing at all. It was in this nothing, in these still moments, that Shibani found herself thinking about her younger self. The girl who had danced at her wedding, who had wanted to be a painter, who had imagined a life full of movement and colour and purpose. That girl seemed very far away now, separated not by years but by a kind of distance that had no name. She rose from the window and moved through the house like a ghost. In the kitchen, sunlight fell across the counter in slanted bars. She stood in one of these golden rectangles and let the warmth settle on her shoulders. For just a moment, standing there in the light, she felt almost real again. The afternoon bell from the temple down the street chimed once, twice, three times. Someone was ringing it deliberately, marking an hour that would soon be forgotten. She thought about sound—how it travelled through the air, touched your ear, and then dissolved. How it left no trace. How everything was like that, really: beautiful and brief and impossible to hold onto. Her phone buzzed on the counter. A message from her husband: *Running late. Don't wait for dinner.* She stared at it for a long moment, then set the phone face-down. She made herself some rice and lentils, the way she had done thousands of times before. The repetition was comforting, in a way. Your hands knew what to do; your mind could wander. While the lentils cooked, she looked through the kitchen window at the street outside. A woman walked past with a child, the child dragging his feet, complaining about something. The woman said nothing, just kept walking. Shibani wondered what they were heading towards, what waited at the end of that small journey. As evening fell, she sat with her plate and ate alone at the large dining table. The food was good—she had learned to cook well over the decades—but she tasted it without really tasting it. Habit had rendered everything flavourless. After dinner, she washed the dishes by hand, though they had a maid who came three days a week. There was something meditative about the water, the soap, the slow return of things to cleanliness. When she was done, she dried each plate carefully and stacked them away. The television was on somewhere in the house, playing to no one. She switched it off. By nine o'clock, she was in bed with her book. She read the same page three times without understanding it, then gave up and turned off the light. In the darkness, she listened to the sounds of the night: the hum of the refrigerator, the distant bark of a dog, the wind moving through the banyan tree's leaves, making a sound like water. Her husband came home past midnight. She heard him moving about in the dark, trying not to wake her. He slipped into bed beside her, and for a moment, the two of them lay there, separated by the width of the mattress and the width of something far greater—a silence that had grown so large it had taken on its own shape, its own gravity. Shibani did not move. She did not speak. She lay there and waited for sleep, listening to him breathe, this man she had shared her life with, this stranger. And outside, beyond the walls of the house, beyond the city, the world turned. The banyan tree's roots grew deeper. The sparrow roosted somewhere safe. And dawn waited in the east, patient and inevitable, ready to arrive without fanfare, the way it always did.

I was in a trance, complacently transcending the abysmal depths of the past. Oblivious perhaps, of the avid remonstrances of my ego. In such tranquillity and the joy of being alone, all alone, you lose yourself. Yes, I was lost in spasms of delight at exhuming my past. The sky seemed clear, vacant, and profound. Soft tufts of the evening breeze were caressing me, nursing my growing animation. I looked up. The rainbow was there, symbolic of the beauty of perfectly mixed colours. I conjectured the palette that mixed such a variety must be sublime. But then something within me groaned in anguish. It was reality. I remembered: "We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that the savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we have gained by prying into that matter!" That stark reality resuscitated me.

Again I gazed intently at the emptiness, recollecting incoherent bits here and there. I was brooding deeper now, I could hear the strange echoes of those elusive moments of complete contentment that put you into apoplexies of chagrin, of remorse, on rediscovering them. Isn't it sheer euphemism to attribute joy to your feelings as you remember the past that you have lost? Lost forever. I can see an iridescent shadow, a phantasmal reawakening of those days of blissful innocence, ignorant notoriety and aimless wandering. The raptures of delight at discovering something new, something exotic. The inexhaustible enthusiasm that preceded any adventure. Those meaningless moments of doing nothing, yet busy doing something. Those seemingly cruel rebukes at home. Those merry days of thoughtless, carefree splendour. Are they gone? I could not reconcile myself to the present.

But wait! Are the shadows drifting away? Do I see better? The chronology still needs to be fixed. Perhaps it has drifted away, forever. Now I am overcrowded, and confused. I can hardly discriminate between the wanted and the unwanted, the significant and the not significant. The echoes of the past are adamant to concede non-recognition. The question then is where to start. I just can't say: "I am born today, Sunday, the fourth of December. It is freezing. No one seems to notice that I am shivering stark naked. They are ignoring me. I am unhappy." In that case, you will not hesitate to prescribe the lunatic asylum for me. Neither can I harp on any literary guile to keep you engrossed in my idiosyncrasies. The only other alternative is to present you a description of the days after which I gained understanding. Well, I just don't know when that happened. Besides, I do not have the slightest design of misusing your credulity. Goldsmith rightly said, "Memory, thou fond deceiver, still importunate and vain; to former joys recurring ever and turning all the past to pain."

I see things happening, the days of my early childhood present a vivid panorama. But to no avail. The landscape is picturesque, bright and alluring but just beyond your reach. You are tempted but cannot weave it into a definite pattern. The threads are all torn apart. Just imagine the disgust, the repulsion you feel. That is exactly where I stand. These carefully nurtured fancies of my past these ethereal relics remain in carefree abundance; far, far beyond my reach.

I still gazed intently, oblivious to everything. I still relished the luxury of reminiscence. I gradually withdrew my gaze and awoke from the trance. I was still nonchalant as my gaze hesitantly scurried along. It was now transfixed on a shrivelled old tree, gnarled and distorted. It held its head despite the infirmity, mocking the young world around. Yes, it was more than a coincidence. It reminded me of the famous lines: "'Spring, love, happiness'; the old oak seemed to say; 'Are you not weary of that stupid, meaningless, constantly repeated fraud?'" Am I weary of it too? Why? Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun; to have lived light in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done?
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