For the first time in my life, I want to disappear. Desperately! I’ll run away, stay hidden. But where will I flee? Where will I hide? I don’t know. All I know is I can’t take it anymore. “But you have to manage, dear!” These words sound so hackneyed these days. They suffocate me even more! How will they understand the depths of my suffering!
Please leave me alone! When someone wants to hide something, politeness won’t let the mask slip into rudeness, can’t bear to feel close to anyone anymore—perhaps that’s when we create distance by speaking in English. Is this cowardice? Or discomfort? I couldn’t say anything that day. Just stared at his face. I remember clearly, his eyes weren’t looking into mine. They were turned away, and in those averted eyes I saw such coldness that day. Had I not been able to walk away from him in silence, I would never have known I could forgive someone with such a smiling face!
Why did I do that? Why couldn’t I say anything to him? Why didn’t I ask—what was all this between us, then, all these days? Why did he teach me how to completely forget how to live without him? Why did I want to give up everything for him? Why did I push the whole world away and stay close to him all those days? Why must a girl who trusted someone outside her family for the very first time learn reality so cruelly? Why does fate bring such a girl to some boy’s rehearsal—a girl who never even thought of becoming an actress? Why can’t boys remember the very one with whom they’ve spent countless ethereal, beautiful moments? What is that skill by which every boy becomes the world’s greatest lover at certain special moments? Why do boys forget even their closest friend during the worst of times? Why does someone disappear for no reason after showing dreams of spending an entire lifetime together? Why does a lifetime mean only three years in some people’s eyes? Why do some people’s hearts change along with their circumstances? Why do boys suddenly become strangely, wretchedly busy? Why do some people keep indulging day after day, knowing they can’t provide shelter? Why does this short little life keep changing colors, with reason and without?
They say women are known when their beloved is in humble circumstances, and men are known when they’re in good positions. No one saw his bad times from closer than I did. I was the only one beside him when he was deeply depressed. Whenever life seemed gray to him, I would hold his hand, stand by his side and say, “Why fear? I’m here!” This hand of mine still gropes in the darkness……
Aritro, you’re doing well today. Quite well. Expensive job, expensive clothes, expensive friends. Do you remember how many days we sat together in that little shack, eating lunch side by side? You often had to say, “Could you spare some money? Pay the bill…” Now you’ve moved up to a better position. Now you don’t need me anymore. Without Neela, Aritro’s best part of life is going along just fine! Mr. Boss is terribly busy now! No time to focus on anything else for the next few years. Must climb higher, much higher! Life now revolves around colleagues and new friends. Aritro never lacks for friends anymore. I’m very curious to know, Aritro: “After your accident, when you lay in that clinic bed day after day, where were these friends of yours? Did anyone call even once to check on you? Did anyone come to visit with a meal, Aritro Boss?” Now you’re quite well with your new friends. Fun, outings, parties, entertainment—this is life! There was a time when Neela even paid your rickshaw fare. You never wanted it, but still! What could the poor thing do! She loved you, after all. Better to have leprosy than to fall in love.
You know, Mr. Aritro, you once told me that you couldn’t even imagine your life without me. That you simply couldn’t survive without me. Hard to believe? Of course it is. When men get very close to women’s bodies, you shouldn’t believe anything they say. But no one ever told me this simple truth! So I had to learn it the hard way, through suffering and being deceived! It was the wrong time to meet you, Aritro! When a man becomes fully established, if he gives his heart to some woman, that heart changes hands less often. Well, do you remember how you used to deceive me and go around with Smita sometimes? When I found out, I got terribly angry and cried. I scolded you so much. I said, “No more! Set me free!” You sat by my knees and said, “Forgive me, darling. If you leave, my life will be shattered completely. I’ll never do that again. Promise!” When an angry person like you says ‘forgive me,’ it’s impossible to refuse. Being a woman, I forgot everything and held you tight that day, crying so much. I said, “I’ll never leave you. You move forward on life’s path. I’m beside you, I’ll always be there.” I kept my word. Your life is beautiful now, comfortable. Now you don’t need Neela anymore. Dear Aritro, didn’t you often say that you don’t like betrayal? That friend you helped day after day with pocket money for so long—he doesn’t even check on you now, cuts the call when you phone. Those who don’t stand by you in hard times are apparently a disgrace to the name of friendship. Traitors are like the worms of hell. I’m very curious to ask, Aritro—then what are you?
Now
I keep sending you text after text, and sometimes when you feel a little merciful, you reply, Please don’t disturb me.
I’m busy. That’s all!
Yet I keep staring at that very message for hours on end, mesmerized. I pray for you.
Whatever state I’m in,
let this person
be well. Tell me,
are you
really so terribly busy? Do you eat properly? You don’t let me check on you anymore. I know, now you have no shortage of people to care for you. Everyone loves you! So much
love! This too happens! Is it possible? There was once
a time when there wasn’t a single night that
you would go to sleep without telling me. Before going to sleep, without a kiss from Nila over the phone, Aritra couldn’t fall asleep. This was the unwritten rule. I wonder so much whether that old rule still exists? Whose kiss brings sleep to Aritra’s eyes now? Late at night you stay on Facebook. I
still think the same way as before—why doesn’t this person
take care of himself at all? His body will fall sick! Why do I think this? Alas! The shameless hearts of women! Understanding everything yet understanding nothing!
I
never made any plans for my own birthday. Birthdays would come and go. But there were plans for you. Always!
How I would wish you, how
I would surprise you, how
I would keep you happy on your birthday, how I would cook all your favorite dishes, where we would go traveling together, I would do proper
research about buying you punjabis, which
of your favorite saris I would wear to walk holding your hand, which flower I would weave into my hair, how I would line my eyes with kajal. So many other things like this! I know you don’t even remember all that anymore. This
birthday I wished you so many times, you didn’t reply even once. You’ve blocked me on Facebook.
I stayed shameless on your wall all day from another account, you know? How many girls you gave at least a smiley emoji in response to their birthday wishes.
I felt like
touching that smiley just once! I got nothing at all! How lucky they are! I felt terribly
envious! Well, Mr. Bose, do you enjoy this attention from girls? Did so many girls chase after you when you were a ‘nobody’? They’re here now because you’re in a good place.
Do you truly understand nothing at all?
Everyone
praises you so much now. I feel good, but I also cry. I think, ah! No one saw or knew his real form. Only I know it in this world. Sometimes I want to tell everyone everything. Tell them that we were supposed to get
married right after you got the job. Right now Nila was supposed to be on her honeymoon. Nila didn’t dream these life dreams
foolishly by herself. Mr. Aritra taught Nila how to dream! I know how well Mr. Aritra can make coffee.
I also knew that after marriage, making coffee would be his responsibility.
Today I feel like dragging out and bringing forward all your honest empty promises, heaps and heaps of false commitments, all the words from those days. Let everyone know what Mr.
Aritra is like without his mask!
You’re
very angry with me, aren’t you? Furious? You used to love scolding me! And I would accept it all! You never once asked how much pain I was feeling, accepting everything! You needed me, right away! But I couldn’t leave the house. You’d say, “I don’t understand all this. Just tell me if you’re coming or not!” How many times I snuck out! Managing to leave home—do you have any idea how terribly difficult that was? Don’t you remember anything? Nothing at all? Well, well! Once you got what you wanted, it was all over! Men are like that! I accepted you exactly as you were. You didn’t have to change anything for me—I changed myself completely.
You
wanted Neela not to build a career. Not to think about a job. Just to stay by Aritra’s side. And I accepted that too. I would live only for Aritra. I customized everything about myself to your liking. And now? I can’t go on living! Please Aritra, just once, try to understand my heart the way I understand it. For the first time! Please! I really can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried so hard to live normally, but I can’t. Is this any way to live?
I
never wanted you to come into my life. I wouldn’t even reply to your texts. Then why did you come? Why did you say, “From now on, whatever dreams we have, none of them belong to you alone, or me alone—they’re ours”? I’m not saying I was perfectly happy before you came. I was in pain. But I was used to that pain. Then why did you come to wash away all my suffering, bringing fountains of joy with you? You came, stayed for a while, then left again. So was I just a transit point for you? On your way to your destination? Once you reached your destination, you went back to being yourself and I to being myself? Is this what your conscience tells you? Bravo, Mr. Bose, bravo! In my life that had practically nothing, you came and destroyed even that little bit I had left just to keep living, then walked away! Today’s Mr. Bose has nothing in common with the Aritra of three years ago. How could that man lie to me for so long? How could he keep showing me elaborate dreams? How could he extend that hand that today belongs to someone else? Does some other girl appeal to you more now? Why not before? I only came on Facebook for you. I opened Viber and WhatsApp only for you. I went on Imo only to video call you. I emerged from my lifelong shell only for you. I became a stranger to myself only because I loved you. Aritra, I desperately want to know—why did you draw out a simple girl like me who preferred to stay hidden in the shadows? Why, why, why? Wasn’t there anyone else for your momentary pleasures? Why me?
Tomorrow is the exam, and I can’t read a thing. I’m deceiving sister-in-law. I told brother over the phone that I’m studying. I’m in such agony, Aritra! Something keeps howling inside my chest all the time. I feel like crying terribly, and every time tears spill down my cheeks I rush to the bathroom sink! Sister-in-law thinks I’m studying. I can’t take it anymore. Only you keep appearing before my eyes. Won’t you come and place your hand on my head like before, Aritra! Every little while I think, surely a text from you will come: “What’s madam up to? Hmm?” You’ll ping me on WhatsApp, you’ll say, come to Imo, I’m dying to see you! If only you’d said just this much, “You know I get angry. I was a little mad, that’s all. Smile a little for me!” Truly, I would have forgotten everything and run to your chest once more. Nothing comes, nothing at all! I just keep staring at my phone. With my constant touching of the touchscreen, the battery charge keeps draining, along with my life!
I know I won’t survive. You could destroy my life like this and just walk away! I don’t sleep for 5-6 nights, either I stay awake, or half-asleep; even in that half-sleep you come in dreams, you hold my hand and walk, you keep playing with my hair and I keep giggling with joy. Because you forbade it, I don’t cut my hair anymore. My pillow gets soaked with tears every night. My head throbs terribly, my vision blurs too, doctor uncle says I need glasses. Every morning I vomit, my head spins round and round. Everyone tells me, what’s wrong with you? You’re going crazy! Sleep properly. But I know that until death, I’ll never be able to sleep again. All my strength has gone somewhere. I can’t walk normally. When crossing the road I walk so slowly, yet no car comes and runs me over. Why am I still alive? So many people die on the streets, why don’t I die?
I never learned to imagine you not beside me. Never could, never will. I’ll never be able to hold anyone else’s hand. Never, not even if I die. I won’t belong to anyone else, Aritra. I had told you I would wait. However long it took for you to stand on your own feet, whatever storms came, I would weather them all. You wouldn’t have to think you were alone. Until my last breath, I would be by your side. And now? What is this? How I pleaded with you, begged you. I said I was ready to do whatever you asked, just don’t leave me. You said you didn’t like being bound, didn’t like expectations, didn’t like commitment. But did you ever dislike these things before? You never said so, not once! Will you never commit to anyone again? Take those girls who hover around you now—what about one of them? I had said I would wait. And I did. I never let anything else enter my thoughts but you. I told my family I wouldn’t marry anyone until I graduated. Whatever proposals came, I turned them away. I fought so many battles and kept my word. But you? Didn’t you feel even a trace of tenderness for this Nila? Do you remember, Mr. Bose, when you proposed to this Nila and I wouldn’t respond at all, how you acted like a madman day after day? How heartbroken you were. You’d call and cry like a child, say all sorts of wild things, as if I were tearing your life out from inside your chest. When the university was closed, you’d stand outside my house all day hoping to catch one glimpse of me. I felt such pity for you, got so angry at myself, said “yes,” fell in love with you, slowly came to love you truly. And today? I never liked cigarettes, had sworn to myself my husband would never smoke. Yet I accepted someone who did, just because I loved him. You taught me: “Oh come on…! Get a life! Can anyone live without cigarettes? Life is in this smoke. Life is for cigarettes, with cigarettes, on cigarettes!” Huh! Life! You’ve finished life itself! Where will I find another life? Don’t stay silent, Mr. Bose! Say something! Is everything so simple? Does life end with one flick? You sent me a text: “Forgive & forget!” I can forgive, but how do I forget? How is it possible? After everything! Maybe for you it was all nothing! But for me it was life itself! How will I live? Everything is finished for me! How is it possible! How?
You know, Aritra, despite everything I’ve done, not a trace of guilt works within me, not even a little. Because I did love you! These days I feel most angry at myself. It’s all my fault, isn’t it! Why did I choose to believe? But then the very next moment I think—when he compelled me to believe day after day, what about that? My fault is that I entered into a relationship. Didn’t he? But why am I the only one being punished? Why does it happen this way? Such punishment that has no end. Is this the only punishment in the world that never ends? You are well-established now. Good for you! So I am nothing anymore. I’m not good-looking, I can’t speak nicely, I can’t carry myself with grace. What would people say if they walked with me? I can’t be introduced in society. I can’t speak properly with any boy, can’t mingle. Tell me, Aritra, didn’t you know all this? Did I hide anything from you? You used to say you don’t trust women. Only seeing me, for the first time in your life, you felt that women too could be trusted. I used to believe every single word of yours blindly. Even if the whole world said something different, I would sit there taking your word as truth. That same you have now forced me to distrust everyone in the world and walked away from my life.
You know what the most disgusting thing is? I still wait for you. I love you, I love you terribly! Your every word keeps ringing constantly in my ears. With my eyes closed, I can feel every touch of yours. I keep getting your body’s scent, I keep getting it. Just thinking of the way you used to look at me, I still get all confused. You are mixed into my entire existence. How much I try to forget, to get angry, to curse, to hate… I can’t, I simply cannot do any of it. From deep within my chest comes this muffled sobbing. As punishment for dreaming of living, living itself has become so painful—this I never understood before. I don’t even know where it ends. Every day, every single moment, I cry. I, who used to teach everyone how to live, have lost today. I have lost, Aritra, I have lost! I know giving up is not right. It’s cowardice, weakness. I know it all, understand it all. But it hurts me so much. So very much. So much that I lie helplessly on the bed, drowning in endless stupor. I have not even a bit of strength, my mind gives me no capacity either. You know, now I always keep glasses on my eyes, because I break down crying sometime or other, and someone might see. At home I cry very carefully—if bhaiya sees me, he’ll be deeply, deeply hurt. After father died, bhaiya has never even scolded me loudly. All the terrible scoldings I’ve received in this life, all came from you. He thinks of me like mother, with such affection. How can I make them cry? When I leave home and go to the university, how much I cry in the rickshaw on the way, how much—it cannot be described. The rickshaw pullers are perhaps getting used to it, they no longer turn back to ask, “Apa, what happened to you?”
Alas! What have I done with my life…
There’s only one consolation. I know that no one will ever be able to love you the way I do. That’s my victory!
My words.
Listen Neela, why are you like this? Why aren’t you thanking God that a wrong person left your life before it was too late? Why can’t you understand that you didn’t have to spend years living a mistaken life? Why don’t you think that the day he left you was actually the very day your real life began? Everything before that was just a lie?
Let me say a few things, listen:
One. Never make someone indispensable in your life if they don’t consider you indispensable, no matter who that person is.
Two. A person who’s living perfectly well without you, who’s happy, breathing peacefully—there’s no point in suffocating yourself to death for such a person!
Three. How much time you spent with them doesn’t matter. What matters is how much time ahead you can manage to delete them from your life.
Four. Never waste a single letter on someone who places no value on you. Each of your texts is precious. Your emotions are wrapped up in them. Why are you letting your feelings become so worthless?
Five. Value a person exactly as much as they value you. Give more than that and they’ll think it’s your weakness.
Six. How can you possibly think that someone who isn’t there for you during your difficult times will stay by your side for a lifetime?
Seven. Never consider someone mandatory in your life if they think of you as just one of their alternatives.
Eight. You can’t build a life with someone who doesn’t feel the pain in your heart. They’ll only keep hurting you for the rest of your life. Then you won’t be able to escape, nor will you be able to endure it.
Nine. Someone who doesn’t give you the respect you deserve even before marriage—how can you possibly think they’ll treat you well after marriage? What makes you believe that?
Ten. Listen, girl! If you’re happy right now, he’ll be terribly upset about it. If nothing else, you could at least stay happy just to spoil his mood! What, can’t you do that? Just for his sake, why don’t you try being happy and see what happens! Don’t you still love him? Can’t you do this much for him?
I won’t say anything more. If I had you in front of me, I’d pick you up and give you a good shake! Why use words when you have hands?