Some loves lose themselves in friendship. Some friendships lose themselves in love. Alas! Some loves even lose themselves in love! A friendship that begins with love is less enduring than a love that begins with friendship.
I’m going to marry Asha.
What are you saying? Is your head screwed on right?
I’m serious. When we grow up, we’ll get married.
At the time, Asha was in third grade, Pallob in fifth. Pallob was a friend of Asha’s older brother Sujoy. After hearing this, Sujoy wouldn’t let Asha mix with Pallob. Though when Sujoy told their mother about it, she just laughed it off. Let me tell you something. These subtle human emotions work in children too. I still remember when I was very young, in third or fourth grade, there was a girl named Sampa didi who lived next door. She was extraordinarily beautiful. On days when prospective grooms came to see her, I would feel terribly sad. Whenever any boy looked at Sampa didi, I would get furious. I would think, why is Sampa didi so much older than me? God, make me grow up so I can marry her. While we adults look at children and think, oh they’re still young, they don’t understand anything, the children think to themselves, “This fool thinks he’s being so cute!” Today’s children understand everything but pretend not to and stay quiet. What we learned to understand only in tenth grade, children now grasp in fourth grade. All the children have grown up these days!
Asha’s family lived in Uttara, Dhaka, and Pallob lived with his uncle while studying. Through his friendship with Sujoy, Pallob would often visit Asha’s house. Whether he studied himself or not, he always encouraged Asha to study. He would help her with math, make her do translations, motivate her about her studies. Both of Asha’s parents were very pleased about this. Pallob’s results at school were better than Sujoy’s. When Asha was in seventh grade, one day while teaching her arithmetic, Pallob suddenly said, “Asha, you know, I love you. Will you love me?” “Dada, I’ve loved you for a long time already!” “Really-truly?” “Yes, really.” “Then from today we’re in a relationship. Agreed?” “Mm-hmm.” “But we can’t tell anyone about this. Remember?” “I won’t tell even if I die. If dada finds out, he’ll kill me and won’t let you come here anymore. Baba will also think badly of you.” “Wonderful! You’re such a good girl!” In Asha’s shy gaze, the excitement of hearing her first lover’s first praise dissolved into unspoken language. The storm of adolescent love is fiercer than the world’s most terrible storms.
With Asha, Pallob would talk constantly about her studies. Asha wished that sometimes they could talk about love too, but Pallob never did that. He would lend her various books to read, telling her that if she studied well, Asha could become something great. He would tell her stories from the lives of great people. Sometimes he would stand waiting in front of her school, and when she finished classes, he would walk with her and leave her a little distance from her house before going to his uncle’s place. “You have to come first in class.” “You should take your own notes for Bengali.” “Don’t go to sleep at night without doing math.” Endless advice about studies like this. Their relationship was more like friendship than love. Pallob had to live with great difficulty at his uncle’s house. Behind his uncle’s back, his aunt would give him endless grief, making him do all sorts of household chores. Pallob had been tutoring since he was in class nine to manage his pocket money and study expenses. When Asha was in class nine, she got permission to use her father’s mobile phone to talk with her friends. When her father returned home in the evening, Asha would struggle to get hold of the phone and give a missed call to a shop number. After his evening tutoring sessions, on his way home, Pallob would sit in that shop waiting for the missed call. Then they would talk on the phone for 10-15 minutes, sharing everything about their day. Sometimes, for the crime of talking too long on the mobile phone, Asha’s father wouldn’t give her the phone. Then, unable to talk to her, Pallob would cry all night. He would secretly send all his troubles and sorrows to Asha from his uncle’s mobile. Reading those messages, Asha would also cry. Reading about Pallob’s hardships and suffering, a kind of tenderness would stir in Asha’s heart. But she could never understand whether it was love or something else. Pallob never engaged in romantic talk with Asha; for however long they spoke, he would spend that time inspiring her about her studies. He would tell her to read good books. Sometimes he would prepare suggestions for her, taking notes from various books, and give her his own textbooks as gifts.
The “I love you” that had been said in class nine became purely guardian-like friendship when they reached HSC classes. Asha was then in class nine, and as a friend, she felt quite comfortable with Pallob. She loved Pallob’s care. Her life became very organized. She didn’t think much about any other boy, waiting instead for Pallob’s phone calls. Meanwhile, saving money from tutoring, Pallob had bought a Nokia 1100 model phone. A kind of mental dependence on Pallob had developed in Asha. If Pallob’s call didn’t come one day, she couldn’t study properly. From love, a comfortable friendship had been born.
Pollob
passed his HSC and got admitted to Dhaka University. Asha was in her first year of intermediate college at the time.
After getting into university, boys and girls start flying like free birds. Many birds soar through the vast sky. There, one bird suddenly takes a liking to another. The bird mistakes this attraction for ‘love’. Pollob fell in love with Mollika from their class right after starting university. The girl seemed very simple and quiet in appearance. There was something mysteriously tender about the way she spoke. Her gentle grace had captivated Pollob.
After eight months of being in love, Pollob discovered that Mollika had been in a relationship with another boy from their neighborhood since class six. That boy was studying BBA third year at East West University. Mollika had deliberately not told Pollob anything about this. After fights and arguments over all this, they broke up.
Pollob began to wonder:
Do all girls with enchanting eyes know how to lie so perfectly and elaborately like Mollika?
Meanwhile,
Pollob continued talking with Asha just as before. After his breakup with Mollika, he told Asha the whole story of being deceived by her. Hearing this, Asha became even more emotionally entangled with Pollob. Why girls suddenly get emotionally involved without any reason is something even they don’t understand themselves. One day, something came over Pollob,
and he said to Asha,
“Asha, when we were children I wanted to marry you. Back then I didn’t even understand what marriage was. Later I said we were in a relationship. I was the one who couldn’t take that relationship forward properly. All the fault was mine. After all this time, I don’t know why, but I’ve suddenly put you in Mollika’s place. You seem like Mollika to me. I can’t understand what I should do.” Hearing this, Asha became terribly angry. “Why should I seem like Mollika? When you came back after all this time, why didn’t you come close to me thinking of me as myself? Why did I have to take someone else’s place?” But without letting Pollob understand anything, she pretended not to understand and continued the conversation. She was afraid that if she said this, would Pollob stop talking to her? At that time, Pollob’s phone calls were Asha’s inspiration for living. From that day onward, just like the old days, if Pollob couldn’t talk to Asha for even one day, he would go crazy.
One day
they both got angry over something. At one point Asha said, “Look, you don’t actually love me. Because Mollika has left your life, you’re experiencing some kind of infatuation toward me. Besides, you don’t really have any other friends except me. One day you’ll find someone else, and that day you’ll forget this Asha and start dreaming about her again. What will I do then? Look, life doesn’t work this way. You’re always living in some kind of delusion about life. You made me your girlfriend, then made me your friend again, and now you want to make me your girlfriend again. Does this even work? You don’t even know what you want yourself. There’s no need to have a relationship with me. Rather than that, we were friends, let’s just stay friends. That’s better!”
“Asha, please don’t talk like this. I know I’m making a lot of mistakes. I promised to be your lover but ended up being just your friend. That wasn’t right of me. And it will never happen again. I promise.”
“Look, I feel good about you only because you spend time with me. Try being with another girl, and you’ll find me in her. Then you’ll start liking her too. If you can like so many girls, if you fall in love with whoever you talk to, then where is my unique existence in all this?”
“Asha, please don’t say things like this. What will I live for if you disappear from my life? You know, all the happiness, all the pain in my life—you’re the only one who knows everything. The things I can’t tell my family, friends, little brother, or even myself—I tell you. There are things I don’t even dare write in my diary, but I tell you. Every person has hidden things in their life that they can never face, not even in a moment of forgetfulness do they want to think about such things, let alone write them down in a diary! I can tell you even those things openly and comfortably. Before writing anything in a diary, you have to think a little, arrange your thoughts, but with you I can say everything without worry, without arranging anything. Even things I’ve never told Mallika—you know those too. What would you call this? Isn’t it love? You tell me!”
Many boys make this mistake. When declaring love to one girl, they end up mentioning another girl. Boys do this thinking it proves their honesty and love to the girl. And the moment a girl hears this, she becomes extremely irritated. Whether it was for this reason that day, or some other reason, Asha hung up the phone without saying either “yes” or “no” to Pallob.
Nearly a month later, for the first time, Asha confessed to Pallob, “I love you.” When girls say “I love you” from their heart, even if the whole world goes in another direction, they stay with the person they love. After passing HSC, though Asha got a chance in CSE at BUET, she didn’t take admission there but fought a lot at home and got admitted to Economics at Dhaka University. The purpose was simple: so they could spend their university life together. From having breakfast together in the morning to lunch at noon, evening snacks, dinner at night—they ate everything together. Pallob continued to encourage her about studies and reading new books just as before. Asha also worked very hard in her studies and got good results in the department. Gradually, Asha’s family, other friends, and relatives came to know about it. Since they knew Pallob as a good boy at her home, no one took their relationship badly.
Everything was going smoothly. Their friends knew they were a happy couple. They were content too, but Pallob would occasionally feel drawn to other women—their looks, personalities, conversation, tastes. This old weakness of Pallob’s would spark arguments between them. But it never went beyond those fights. Afterwards, everything would return to normal. During this time, the two of them founded an organization at university together. A cultural organization called Surbandhan. Pallob was Surbandhan’s founding president and Asha the treasurer. Gradually, membership in the organization began to grow. As they devoted day and night to the organization, a distance slowly began to form between Pallob and Asha. He would talk on the phone with everyone for hours on end. When Asha called at night, she’d find the line busy. Asha would wait, but Pallob would fall asleep without calling her back. Sometimes the call waiting would last until 3 AM; Asha would stay awake, thinking they’d talk, but Pallob would finish his other call and go straight to sleep. When she asked, he’d say, “I was talking about organizational work.” Often when Asha called, he wouldn’t pick up, but he’d answer calls from others just fine. Asha would wait all day for a chance to talk with him, but Pallob never had time. Asha managed the same organization herself, yet never let it diminish the importance of their relationship. Whenever she brought this up with Pallob, fierce arguments would break out between them. He wouldn’t want to meet Asha on his own initiative—he stayed busy with rehearsals, organizing programs, recruiting members, spending time with members. Because Asha demanded too many explanations, Pallob began lying to her constantly, never admitting fault even when he was wrong. Yet these were two things he had never done before. Not once during an entire day would he feel like seeing Asha. This would often anger Asha, and she’d scold him. But she never did this in front of others. Pallob would try to make her understand, and when Asha refused to listen, he’d call her quarrelsome and want to break up. Pallob had suddenly begun to change.
Asha never took the talk of breakups seriously. She thought once the busyness subsided, everything would return to normal. In relationships, women possess an innate talent for believing in the principle that “everything will work out”—no matter what happens, right up until the final catastrophe strikes.
Day after day, Asha endured countless humiliations and neglect in silence. Sometimes, in bursts of anger and wounded pride, she would lash out. She would say harsh things to Pallob. Eventually, Pallob grew tired of Asha’s quarrels and found himself drawn to another girl in the organization. Her name was Layla, and she had a gift for recitation that was truly remarkable. The girl knew about Asha, but she spent considerable time with Pallob. She wanted Pallob to leave Asha and come to her. Through her words, her behavior, her poetry, she cast an endless spell of fascination over Pallob. “Layla is the inspiration of my life. Anyone would be amazed to see her dedication. From her I’ve learned how to stay cheerful during life’s worst moments. Every minute I spend with you, I’m in complete turmoil. When I go to her, I find a little peace.” When Asha heard such things, fear would grip her. She would plead and apologize profusely, forgetting all past neglect and trying to do whatever pleased Pallob. Even then Pallob would say, “I know you’ll just fight again. I don’t enjoy being with you like I used to. I’m going to break up with you.” When Asha heard this, she would burst into tears, and then Pallob would soften his voice and calm her with more apologies. When Asha got angry, she too would say hurtful things, but she never once thought of breaking up. How could you just shatter an eight-year relationship like that!
Deep inside, Asha had begun to sense that something was wrong, something was very wrong! But she didn’t pay much attention to this nagging feeling.
“Listen, you have missed call alerts on your phone. You’re busy, I get call waiting, sometimes your phone even dies. But you know I’m trying to reach you. So why don’t you ever call me back? I miss you all day long. Don’t you ever miss me? If you do, then why do you always turn my missing you into a fight? I can’t recognize you anymore these days. Is the organization more important to you than I am? Do you really prefer Layla? Or have you fallen in love with someone else? Look, it’s perfectly natural for you to like someone else. That’s completely normal. If something like that has happened, just tell me.”
“Look Asha, I don’t enjoy your company anymore. It’s not that I’m involved with someone else. But yes, I do love spending time with other people. I won’t tell you who. It’s not that I love her either. But I feel at ease when I’m with her. Whatever else happens, this much is certain—I’m not leaving you.”
Pollob would talk to a girl named Nahar from the organization using a different SIM card. During those times, Asha couldn’t reach him on his phone. When she asked, he’d say, “My phone was dead.” To Nahar, he’d say, “Asha and I just fight all the time—we’ve broken up. It’s not going to work out between us.” He’d forbid Asha from posting their photos together on Facebook. When she asked why, he’d say, “I’m graduating and leaving in six months anyway. After I marry you, you can post all the photos you want.” Girls become utterly foolish with joy the moment they hear talk of marriage. Asha wouldn’t argue with him after that. The real reason was that if Nahar saw the photos on Facebook and realized they hadn’t actually broken up, there’d be trouble. Pollob would spend time with various girls under the guise of organizational rehearsals, but wouldn’t give any time to Asha. When questioned, he’d weave elaborate lies. Learning the truth from others, Asha would confront Pollob again.
“Why do you treat me this way? I don’t want anything from you—I just want to be by your side. You have time for other girls, but none for me, is that it? Today you gave that girl your time, met with her—if you’d given me even half that time, I would have given you everything in my heart. You’ve never tried to understand me, and you never will.”
“Look, I don’t feel free when I’m talking to you. I need to be happy, don’t I? I’m only happy when I’m not with you. Don’t ask me anything more about this. And I’d be very pleased if you didn’t bother me on the phone like that anymore.”
From that day on, Asha stopped calling Pollob. Deepak, Pollob’s close friend whom Asha respected and trusted like an older brother, told her after she’d confided everything: “Sister, you’re right. I’ve seen Pollob with several girls at different places too. Not all of them are from our organization either. I’ve talked to Pollob about this myself. He keeps saying he doesn’t enjoy being with you anymore. He says other things too that I can’t repeat to you. I think there was some fundamental flaw in your eight-year relationship that neither of you ever properly noticed. Whenever I bring up your name, Pollob avoids the topic. As far as I know, he’s become quite intimate with two girls. I can’t break you any further. You understand it in your own way.”
Women’s hearts. They understand everything, but accept nothing. Even after all this, Asha kept waiting with hope. If her love was true, then Pallav would surely return to her. Counting each moment, her eternal wait began. The man she had spent eight years with now looked away whenever their eyes met by chance. If they encountered each other on campus, he would turn and walk in the opposite direction as if there had never been eight years of intimacy between them—not even eight minutes of conversation. Asha’s days and nights passed through unbearable pain. She couldn’t tell anyone at home either. No one knew that the only support keeping her alive was slipping away from her life. Mother thought everything was fine. And Asha couldn’t sleep night after night. Staring at the phone, crying, she would sometimes faint in her room. When consciousness returned, she would stare at the phone again and think, “If only he would call just once! Even by mistake!” The phone doesn’t ring, night comes, pain comes.
Asha often thinks, “I never went to him myself. He was the one who kept drawing me close. Then why this forgetting? He loved me because I was supposedly his only refuge of peace. And when that same person starts saying he doesn’t feel free with me anymore, that I’m boring, that there’s nothing enjoyable about me, that every other woman in the world is better than me—what am I supposed to live for? Even if I die from this mental anguish, he still won’t come to see me. I’m irritating, and the corpse of an irritating person is even more irritating!”
“In the second phase of our relationship, he was quite caring for the first three years. Then when I fell madly in love with him, that’s when he started pulling away. Whether he truly cared or not—I never felt the need to think about that. I was always the one taking care of him. My God knows, I never thought of him like any other guy. Then why did this happen? What’s my fault? Are all men like this? Everyone used to say he was like that—good, but not the type to be in a relationship with. I wouldn’t listen to anyone. Because I knew what he had done for me at one time. He was the one who shaped me. Today’s me is entirely his contribution. The man I know as godlike—he cannot be this version of himself. Absolutely not!”
“I always wanted to be his friend rather than just his girlfriend. When we took rickshaws, I split the fare half and half. Same thing when we ate at restaurants, even when buying a packet of peanuts for ten taka, I would pay five. When he had no money in his pocket but felt like eating out, I would pay the full amount myself and say that when he got his tuition fees, he’d have to return half! Why did I do it? Only because I loved him! Could he never understand that? What do men actually understand?”
A thousand more thoughts would flood Asha’s mind. Only she knew how mentally involved she had been with Pallav. Her family, her friends—everyone called her a fool. But if this love was indeed foolishness, why did she have to bear the burden of it all alone? Asha had loved Pallav precisely because she had seen his love in return. Then why…? She could find no answers to these questions anywhere.
Until Pallav began to change, they had shared eight beautiful years together. A year and a half had passed since their breakup. Even now, when someone brought up Pallav’s faults, Asha felt no desire to say anything at all. She rarely spoke to anyone about the breakup, about Pallav. Because she thought: he had caused her immense pain, yes, but he had also been the source of so many achievements and joys in her life. Love had always worked hand in hand with respect, which was why in thought and address she could never move from the formal “you” to the intimate “you.” How could eight years of respect be destroyed in a single moment? Asha could forgive Pallav for the crime of drifting away, but she could never forgive herself for the foolishness of seeking refuge in his love.