Hello, my little one. Hello, my pain. Hello, my sin. Hello ... How are you? Are you happy? I heard you were married. I hope you're okay. I hope you are happy. I hope he gives you everything you deserve. And which I failed to give you. I didn't want to give you ... Yes, it hurts to admit, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to give it to you. Because to give you the love that you wanted and that you yourself gave me was scary. And more. It's scary to let someone in so deep inside. It's scary because it will break down your barriers. It will tear down the walls that surround and protect your heart. They protect it from yourself. They will make you feel vulnerable, unprotected, vulnerable ... "We hurt ... you who didn't care about the pain you were causing me ..." --- you will say with a sneer and raise your eyebrows slightly. Yes, in the end he mocked my excuses. And my promises. I excused myself that I was not what you wanted. And I promised I would be. But you stopped believing me. And you were right. Because I didn't believe in myself ... I lost faith in myself a long time ago. In my ability to live truly. The way you taught me to live. And to love. I lost myself somewhere along the way. I got lost among the empty flirtations and aimlessly taken steps. I got lost among women's lips, whose taste I don't remember .... But I remember yours. I will always remember them. I'm still burning. I will always be burned. Because your kisses were real. Like your love. And like yourself. But I was not ready for true love. I wasn't ready for a real commitment. I wasn't ready to be the real myself. And now I'm not. And I don't think I ever will be. Because I had a chance to return to the truth in my heart. And that chance was you. Missed chance. Wasted chance. Undeserved chance ... Yes, I didn't deserve you from the beginning. I didn't deserve you because I always put off everything about you. I postponed our meetings, I postponed our kisses, I postponed giving you my hugs. I postponed because I knew you would be waiting for me. And you were waiting for me ... And why were you waiting for me? ... I wouldn't wait. I wouldn't forgive myself the way you forgave me. I would not love myself as you loved me ... I would not show the same understanding towards myself as you did ... You were always by my side. Behind me to keep me safe. To my shoulder to support me. On my chest to keep me warm. And I'm used to you. I got so used to it that it became an eternal promise for me. And a given. And people don't appreciate the things we take for granted. And that's why we lose them. We let them go. We let them leave your life. Without realizing how empty our life will be after that ... I felt you were moving away from me. But I didn't do anything to stop you. Not just because I couldn't. I did not want. I was tired of meeting your eyes filled with love and anticipation. I was tired of drawing a future that I didn't really want to happen. I was tired of trying to present myself to you as the one he needed, not the one I was. And who I am. So I let you go. I was sure I would meet another like you. Others like you. And I met many others. But no one was like you. No one is like you. No one can be like you ... Now you're somewhere else, with someone else. You organize your life. And I know you're happy. Without me. Mostly because you're without me. I wish you a fair wind, my dear! Thank you for everything you gave me. And forgive me for everything I took from you! And if you think of me from time to time, don't be filled with anger and pain. Because I loved you. I still love you. It's just ... I'm used to loving my loneliness more ... From a man who was afraid to love. From a man who was afraid to take a risk. From a man who was afraid to be real. From me to you.
