Two Mistakes

Let me tell you about two mistakes from many years ago.

The first mistake.

I was running a business then. One day in my gift shop at Dobhana, I was showing products to several customers, quite busy. Sometimes beggars would wander into the shop and handle the merchandise. This caused damage to products many times. During busy periods, I didn't like seeing beggars in the shop.

So that day a man in very shabby clothes entered the shop. He wore a patched and dirty panjabi, cheap sandals on his feet. He looked just like a beggar! He entered the shop and began examining things, picking up this and that in his hands. The moment I noticed him, I assumed he was a beggar. My previous experience told me as much.

I went up to the man, pointed toward the door with great irritation in my eyes and voice, and said, "Get out! Get out! Don't disturb me during working hours!"

Gently placing the product back on the shelf, he looked at me with peaceful eyes and said in a humble voice with clear pronunciation, "Can I not buy a product? Very well. Assalamu alaikum. Take care."

It was as if I regained consciousness! What had I done! Whom had I thrown out of my shop! Why did I cause such pain to this man without knowing anything! Why did I make such a grave mistake just by looking at his clothes! Why did I add his sigh of pain to my record of deeds with my own hands?

I truly felt like crying. I was completely stunned for some time! I couldn't understand what to do, what I should do now! He left thinking I was something I am not! I caused him such pain! I insulted and threw out a gentleman from my shop for no reason! Am I even human!

I came out of Dobhana and searched for him like a madman. I couldn't find him anywhere. The man had disappeared after giving me the response I deserved!

For the past twelve years, I am still searching for him. How many times I have walked the road in front of Gulzar Tower hoping to find him! If God ever arranges a meeting between us, I will fold my hands and ask for forgiveness! He misunderstood me. I am responsible for this. Actually, he didn't misunderstand me—if I consider my behavior that day, he understood me perfectly! Most of the time, no one really misunderstands us; we misrepresent ourselves!

What agony it is not to find the person from whom I seek forgiveness! If I don't meet him before death...! Alas, how much remorse and sighs we must carry in our hearts when we leave this world! Humans are truly helpless!

The second mistake.

I was sitting in a restaurant in Delhi. Facebooking, had ordered cold coffee and pastry, waiting at the table.

Right at the next table, a little girl's birthday was being celebrated. Only four or five people were there. I glanced over briefly, then buried my face back in my phone. I was having a "very urgent" chat—let the world go to hell!

Suddenly I noticed a man in a white shirt came and placed a slice of pastry cake on a plate. "Please, enjoy it!" Without paying him any attention, I said "Tissue paper, please!" and dove back into my phone. He silently placed tissues on the table. "Here it is! Please, enjoy your cake!" I briefly looked up from my phone, said "Thanks!" and plunged back into Messenger!

The gentleman in the chair directly in front of me had been quietly watching all this. A cake had been placed before him too, which I hadn't noticed. He tapped the table gently with a spoon to break my Facebook trance and said in Hindi, which translates roughly to: Brother, do you know what you just did! The man who gave you cake from his daughter's birthday—you made him fetch you tissues! Brother, look at the world beyond Facebook sometimes! That's much more beautiful!

Hearing his words, the sky suddenly crashed down on my head! I held my head in both hands and stared at the cake with wide eyes. By then my ordered food had also arrived. I truly couldn't understand what to do now! I had instantly lost all power of speech! I kept biting my lips and staring at that man in the white shirt.

He didn't look in my direction even once. A tremendous sense of guilt overwhelmed me! What had I done! I knew Facebook takes away, but today it took away so much! People misrepresent themselves to others, but I had made myself downright ill-mannered!

That day, despite having every opportunity, I couldn't ask for forgiveness. Those who haven't experienced the failure of being unable to apologize cannot understand how terrible it can be. Sometimes it's much easier to cry in desperation than to ask for forgiveness! My entire body became numb and helpless that day. My legs seemed paralyzed, completely motionless. I just kept staring toward that table with helpless eyes like a remorseful killer. That day I murdered my own conscience, showed contempt for that man's magnanimity. That feeling cannot be expressed in writing.

No, he didn't look toward me even once. After the birthday celebration ended, the gentleman left the restaurant with his family. Left behind in the restaurant like a fool was an extremely ill-mannered man burning in remorse!

There's a wonderful principle in law: Let ten criminals go free due to a judge's error, but let not one innocent person be punished due to a judge's mistake!
I may accept my mistakes for what kind of person I am; but how can I accept even one mistake that doesn't represent who I am?

I desperately want to be punished for those two sins. Causing people such unnecessary pain is truly a great sin. Perhaps I've already received punishment! That would be very good! And if I haven't, then I am waiting and will wait to be punished. All our mistakes are recorded in God's ledger. I don't want these two accounts to be settled through forgiveness. Let my other sins be erased by my good deeds, but let these two sins never be cancelled! I want to settle the account. I want to receive my due punishment.

I fear the forgiveness of deserved punishment far more than I fear punishment itself. Punishment will cause me pain only once; but the forgiveness of deserved punishment will torment me with intense guilt for life, which is truly much more painful!