Saying "I love you" to someone you don't truly love is the greatest crime in the world. These past few days, I've been carefully observing exactly where I stand in your life!
I have no place in your life at all! Though yes, your whole process was very well executed! First you reduced the phone calls, then you cut down on messages too. Eventually you said you'd become so busy that you didn't even have time to send me a simple "good morning"!
Yet I had seen a different side of this very person before and believed in it. My only sorrow is that I lost to my own faith. There's no defeat greater than losing to your own beliefs. Today I have been defeated by my own love!
Listen, I have one request for you. Never give anyone false hope. Not all women are the same. Some women in this world carry mountain-sized pain within them. If she also receives the pain of love on top of that, have you ever thought about what happens to her life?
I only thought about your side and stopped bothering you. I always thought, any moment now you'll message me! But no, you don't even have a single second to spare for messaging me or thinking about me!
You know nothing about my life. How much pain I have to suppress in my chest to keep living—I never told you that. Of course, you never wanted to hear it either! You stay so busy making everyone else happy, yet it never once occurred to you how much torment this person close to you carries every single day!
Because I laugh at everything, I can't be properly understood, isn't that right? I never told you—I don't have a single day that passes without tears. I cry every single day. Yet I never let you realize that I'm hurting, that right now I desperately need some time from you...
These past few days you haven't messaged me once. Why would you keep track of my tears! I'm nobody to you! Yet look, you've become everything to me! You didn't have to do this to me...!
I'm not blaming you. What would I tell whom! I myself am the guilty one! I'll never be able to forgive myself. I'll have to carry this torment my whole life. I feel like all the suffering in this world should be mine alone! I'm responsible for everything! No matter how much pain I'm feeling, even if I suffered a thousand times more, there's no forgiveness for my wrongdoing. I want to punish myself as much as I please. I want to receive infinite punishment. Even if everyone together caused me pain, it wouldn't absolve my sins.
Today I understand that in reality, emotion, being a good person, the ability to love—nobody can give even the slightest value to any of these. People have somehow become utterly destitute! It's as if God has taken away humanity's very capacity to receive love!
I didn't understand before how harsh this world is, how wrong it is to trust anyone. Today I have lost to all my faith, to all my love. I've become small in everyone's eyes. I'll never be able to bind anyone again in either trust or love. What has happened in this small life of mine, I will never forget!
I never once let you understand my pain. I always tried to understand what made you happy. Alas, you never valued that! Trying to keep you happy, I'm dying in pain every day!
The world is beautiful only in imagination. In imagination, you can love someone however you want. In imagination, no one hurts anyone. In imagination, I can walk down the street holding your hand. There are no social barriers there, no one looks at us negatively. In imagination, you don't avoid me, don't escape through tricks and excuses. In imagination, you do everything exactly the way I like. In imagination, I meet you every day, we have endless conversations. There you love me so much, you hold me close, you stay by my side, you never neglect me even a little.
Then I can take my love story in different directions each time. In imagination, you truly love me so much, you know! And I remain happy and cheerful all the time! In that imaginary world, I never have to cry, my hopes never shatter; there I live as a very happy person, you know! And why shouldn't I stay there, tell me? The world of imagination isn't as cruel as the real world!
Only illusions are beautiful.
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