The Plaster of Thought-Walls: 134

Thought: Nine Hundred and Thirty-Two

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1. From childhood until now, I have never slept with doors and windows locked. At night the door stays ajar, never locked. And during the day, all doors and windows on both sides remain open. Light and air flow constantly — I love this, it makes the house feel alive and breathing.
I wouldn't even enroll in educational institutions without open fields. There had to be vast grounds. Light would stream through classroom windows and long, open verandas. You could see trees and birds outside — I always chose schools like this deliberately. Ha ha ha...
2. You are my sleep. When you caress me, drowsiness comes. I want to sleep holding you close.
3. You said good evening and instantly clouds gathered here; say a little more, and rain will fall!
4. If you dig into history, you'll find everyone has one or two secret loves like this. Yet everyone acts as if they've just been born into this world, understanding nothing of such matters! What hypocrites!
5. I'll come to you, and when I do, I'll line my eyes with dark kohl. I'll wear something in my ears, something around my neck, glass bangles on my hands, flowers behind my ears. Then I'll gaze at you steadily for half an hour.
6.

: You probably don't understand what this is about.

: What don't I understand?

: The way I look at you... I love you. Perhaps this has no destination, perhaps you'll never value this feeling. Tell me, have you ever seen stars fall? When they're falling, they look beautiful — you keep wishing the star would fall more slowly... Suddenly you realize what you were thinking was wrong; what you were thinking about is no longer there, has vanished from before your eyes. Even when it's not before your eyes, that star remains within the mind. Not everyone can see this falling of stars. Many desperately want to see it, yet their wish remains unfulfilled their entire lives. Even when that star falls, it leaves some light behind — in the sky and in the mind of the one who saw it. Love is like that falling star. I will fill my own sky with light through loving you. Perhaps it's momentary, but still I'll do it. In just that much lies all my happiness. Many who desperately want... don't even get that much in one lifetime!
7.

: I love you.

: You mean you'll do that thing to me?

: What...huh?!!

: Yes.

: Why would I do that thing?

: I mean, you'll craftily violate my honor!

: No, man! You're absolutely wrong!

: Why? Can't you do that thing?

: I can, but not directly, not over the phone or in chat! Do you need "I love you" to do that thing? Sex and love are completely different things!

: But I've heard that people say "I love you" and then do that thing, I mean, do I-love-you to someone!

: Who or whoever does that, I don't know — I don't do it, don't say it either, that's the main thing. And whoever involves me in this, the responsibility and punishment for that burden is theirs. What's it to me? I know what I am! Now the question is, why did I say "I love you" to you? Listen, I'll tell you.
When I came online, a few seconds later you came online too. However many times this happens, that many times I tell you "I love you." Sometimes I write it and send it. That's all there is to it! There are other reasons at other times. You'll know those later.
Not everyone says "I love you" purely out of sexual desire. Making Sumir say "I love you" is no easy task. Perhaps you've noticed that even in special moments, I don't tell you "I love you." How or why people bring sexual excitement into "I love you," or even think of it that way, truly astounds me!
The words "I love you" come to mind after remembering or witnessing many small, beautiful moments and feelings. Sometimes we blurt it out, sometimes we don't say it, or simply can't. Speaking of love so casually is terribly difficult.
Those who say "I love you" to sexually excite themselves—I'm certain they either don't understand any of this, or knowing full well, they commit the vile wrong of destroying the other person's heart or beautiful love. When "I love you" is said with only sex in mind, it destroys the beauty of love. One is a matter of the body, the other of the heart. These two may exist together, or they may not.
8.

Childhood is so beautiful!
I think my little one would be happier if there were a couple of other children around.
Never mind, her mother is here. Many don't even have that, growing up all alone. We mother and daughter always enjoy the taste of rain together. I let her get wet while staying nearby myself. But at the slightest rumble of clouds, Borno runs in fear up the stairs and says, "Ma, I scolded Gurum, that's why he's doing this." As I change her clothes in the room, the sky rumbles again in a deep voice.
Borno: Ma, what did Gurum just tell me?

Me: He said to come inside after getting a little wet in the rain, or you'll catch fever and cold.
...Then the sky clears its throat again.
Borno: Ma, what did Gurum say this time?

Me: (What am I to say, what a predicament!) Gurum said if you stay too long in the rain, Gurum will shock you with electricity, and then you'll become electric. It will hurt a lot!
Running to her grandfather, she tells him, "Nanabhai, Gurum talked to me today, do you know?!"
Oh my, how pure, how innocent children are, just like the rain!
Almost everyone has a deep connection with childhood through gentle rain. Nowadays, in the confined life of apartment living, children can't savor that experience. So parents must help create that connection.
Reflection: Nine Hundred and Thirty-Three

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1. How can I sleep when such a beautiful moon has risen? Why must it peek and pry right at my pillow? Does it want to befriend me? Has it forgotten that friendship was forged long ago, quite unknowingly!
Tonight's sky is beautiful. The darkness of night has its own distinct beauty. No matter how dark it gets, on certain days the night sky seems more beautifully different than the day sky. A kind of bluish light clings to the sky. Anyone who gazes at it and doesn't fall in love is not human, but stone.
Trouble is always with me. I cannot remove the troubles from my life, so I accept them. And those troubles that life moves past just fine without resolving—I don't think about them at all. Life is complex enough as it is; what's the point of making it more complicated?
Good people have no value in this world. No one can bear the intensity of good people, so no one stays close either. They push you away and then weep and show how much everyone cares for me! Ha ha ha...
Let all this go! Nothing else matters now — I long to hold you close. You will cry for a long while and find relief against my chest... this sanctuary has been waiting for you, unburdened, for so many years...
When we come near each other, we can do nothing else. We become strangely slow, peaceful... It feels as though there is nothing left to do, nowhere to go, all tasks complete, here is the end...
2. Something strange happens to me. When I don't get you properly, my mood turns terribly sour. I want to devour the whole world. I grow heated at every word. I clench my teeth and stay silent. When someone speaks, I barely respond. Mother then scolds more. My mood worsens further. My condition becomes absolutely dreadful, do you understand? This is not good. Not good at all!
School love is like this. Such intense feelings! Isn't it? But I don't study in school — I teach. Amazing! Why should this happen to me? And after all these years!
Why aren't you beside me on this morning of such beautiful torrential rain?

Today I have returned all the rain's songs, planning to put on headphones and listen to other music!

Yes, I have. Hearing this, the rain has taken offense, its melody has softened and its rhythm has stopped. Yet only the rain's song plays in my ears!

The rhythmic patter of heavy downpour simply will not cease. That melody, rhythm, tempo that has been playing in my ears for years even when there's no rain... that deluge in which we secretly got drenched, I often tell my mind to forget...
You knowingly consumed poison, despite your heart warning you against it, you took that poison, and I did the same! How strange! Sometimes people consume poison hoping to survive! I had read something by Benjamin Franklin:
Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
I still feel how close we two were to each other! After that, neither you could become close to anyone, nor could I. Truly couldn't... Perhaps people cannot. In life we become close to someone only once, everything else is just acting according to time's demands... Some things happen once in a lifetime. They happen, and that's why they are so beautiful!
Today we belong to no one, yet see, we still remain each other's! Perhaps this is what they call destiny!
3. I feel like talking, but there's no balance on the phone; strangely, the credit ran out just today! Though I hadn't noticed, and when I did, there wasn't time to recharge.
Anyway, how far have you come? You can't sleep, can you? I just hope you don't get a headache! Take care.
When you're traveling, I don't know why, but a strange restlessness and tension work within me... keeps working and working. And this simply refuses to stop. It's a most peculiar thing!
I think you should sleep, but over there you keep fiddling with your mobile... Ugh, you really do! If your head doesn't ache, whose will?
You are a terrible person. How many times a day does he forget that I love this terrible person? Still, I love only him. I know that one day he will become good for me, and never be terrible again.
Whatever he does, I have nothing to say. I only want him not to be terrible. The dirty things I don't like — may they never float before my eyes when I think of him. I ask for nothing more than this.
4. Even now, when night's burden weighs upon me, I feel utterly exhausted,

Even now, I lose myself in crowds, my intoxication dissolving within me.

Even now, as night ends, deep black darkness arrives precisely on cue,

Only I can no longer find direction to touch the goodness of love!
Anyone who hasn't lived alongside someone like you can never understand what you truly are! In these months of being with you, I've done nothing but quarrel. And you know very well how to create the circumstances for quarreling. Today you said again that I'm always nagging at you! Why? Is nagging the only thing I've done with you worth mentioning? Have we never spoken well together? When did I do all this nagging then? I had stayed quiet, so why did you message me? Or does calling me terrible bring you peace? I had stopped messaging you, stopped talking to you; I thought, let her be as she wants to be, however makes her happy. If you hadn't messaged, I wouldn't have bothered you, and you wouldn't have had to hear so much nagging. Live in peace. I won't message anymore. Why do you expect anything good from me? Nothing good can come from me.
You always enjoy proving me wrong, don't you? Even when you know perfectly well why I act as I do, you still find amusement in it. Fine, do it as much as you like. I've already fallen into the water—if you won't kick me, who will you kick! Go ahead, kick away!
5. Couldn't you have stayed by my side at least during these times?

Did you have to leave right now?

Did this very moment seem right for departure?

Even if no one else knew, you knew I have no one but you!

Like everyone else, you too failed to understand me!
I don't want to say anything more to you. I'll only say this: if you're going to stay, please stay well and completely, and if you won't stay, then leave forever. I'm beginning to understand that not a single person exists for me in this world, but that's no problem. As long as I can, I'll live alone, and when I can't anymore, I'll end myself and leave. I have only one request: don't play with my emotions like this anymore. Come to some decision.
If you can't let me know today, then never come looking for me again in this life. Watching all of your behaviors and false performances, I'm beginning to feel disgust toward life itself. For someone surrounded by people blind to everything but their own interests, living becomes a curse. Stop playing with my emotions.
Here I am, spending sleepless nights in mortal agony every moment, while you find amusement watching my condition. I don't know how anyone can do this to someone they love. When someone lives with such respect and love for you, it pains me that you have not the slightest respect for them or their emotions. If you can call, then call, and if you feel you can never honor my love, then never come looking again. Just assume I'm dead.
And if there ever comes a moment when I feel I cannot possibly live without you, then rather than being unable to bear it, I would sooner take my own life if necessary, but I will never want to come to you again. I won't need anyone else for myself anymore.
I have decided I will not take any more examinations. Whatever I studied before or whatever I'm studying now, the revisions I'm doing—none of it is helping. When I sit for mock tests each day, nothing stays in my mind. This has been happening for months now. Even subjects I've read many times have completely vanished from my head. When I look at old material, it feels like I'm seeing it for the first time. I even forget what I studied in the morning just two hours later! Because of this wretched state, I haven't felt like sitting down to study for several days now. When your mind is constantly spinning with thoughts of an entirely different world, this is bound to happen—it's only natural.
My head is now completely empty. There's nothing left in it anymore. Nothing new enters either. This is exactly what was meant to happen to me! What I have done, I must bear the consequences myself! That's why I've decided I won't take any more examinations. When I know I won't pass, I don't want to willingly throw myself into repeated failures, carrying the shame of defeat on my shoulders and sinking deeper into darkness. I may never sit for any job examination again in the future.
A person who was already barely holding himself together from within has now shattered so completely that nothing can piece him back together. I have broken entirely from within, though I try to force myself to believe every day that nothing's wrong with me, that I'm fine! But it has also become crystal clear to me that nothing inside me is right anymore, that I have left nothing within myself for myself—I'm only now beginning to understand this after all this time!
Everyone keeps their own portion intact while serving everyone else, but I forgot to set aside even that much for myself! Now this broken person can accomplish nothing more in life. Most importantly, when someone becomes a burden even to themselves, they cannot take on the responsibility of anything additional.
Those who take exams with me daily also say—people get much higher marks than this without even studying, so what's happened to you? Don't you study at home? I know I do study, but nothing stays in my mind. I know where my mind wanders, what thoughts make my mind behave this way, but how can I explain to anyone that I've lost all control over my own mind! There's no way to tell anyone what's happening to me inside myself. Watching myself dissolve like this truly feels helpless. There's nowhere to retreat, and where is there to advance...there's only darkness all around!
Playing around with life, I've ruined my entire life! I had to pay for love's price with my very existence! Thank you for hacking my brain... my inner self and for cracking me to the core! Thank you so much!
And listen, actually God is playing with my emotions, not you... and I do not have any knowledge about how to make my God happy! How can I survive now?
You are a murderer! You have murdered me!
Reflection: Nine Hundred Thirty-Four

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1. People say that if you know how to hold on, a person will stay! But I have seen that no, they don't. Even when you know how to hold on, often the person doesn't stay.
Perhaps you can forcibly bind someone's body, but not their mind.
2. That 1990 World Cup. I was just a child then, understood nothing about sports. I only vaguely remember that something had happened in the Argentina vs. Cameroon match...
3. Suppose you write on your Facebook wall:

Argentina plays well.
Story over!

Immediately everyone will pounce on the comment box...

You're bad, your father's bad, your grandfather's bad.

Or your character is bad, you have no brains, your behavior is disgusting...

Or you do worthless work, you run shady business, you this... you that dot dot dot

You've never even watched Brazil play, you're a seasonal supporter, Argentina can't even stand before Brazil...
Yet you said nothing to any of them. They could have simply discussed whether Argentina plays well or not. But no, they won't do that; because according to genetic inheritance theory, their greatest joy lies in speaking ill of you... as if they were born just to hound you!
Why? The reason isn't that they're Brazil supporters.
Or suppose you write on your Facebook wall:

Brazil plays well.
Story over!

Immediately everyone will pounce on the comment box...

You're bad, your father's bad, your grandfather's bad.

Or your character is bad, you have no brains, your behavior is disgusting...

Or you do worthless work, you run shady business, you this... you that dot dot dot

You've never even watched Argentina play, you're a seasonal supporter, Brazil can't even stand before Argentina...
Yet you said nothing to any of them. They could have simply discussed whether Brazil plays well or not. But no, they won't do that; because according to genetic inheritance theory, their greatest joy lies in speaking ill of you... as if they were born just to hound you!
Why? The reason isn't that they're Argentina supporters.
So what's the cause behind these two incidents?

There's only one reason: they are 'Bangladeshi by birth' Brazilian/Argentine supporters.

And keep this in mind too—you'll be very fortunate if you receive the polite comments or feedback written above. You're more likely to get aggressive and obscene comments. You might even become the victim of personal attacks by such fanatic supporters... whom you've never harmed, let alone people you don't even know!

If such conditions persist, eventually when arranging to show matches on big screens in open spaces, we'll need to deploy the army to ensure security.
It's programmed in our brains: Brazil's opponent is always Argentina, Argentina's opponent is always Brazil... no matter which team actually plays against them on the field!
Oh no no...! I made a slight error! Let me correct that...

It's programmed in our brains: Brazil's opponent is always Argentina supporters, Argentina's opponent is always Brazil supporters... no matter which team actually plays against them on the field!
When Brazil wins, Argentina supporters lose; when Argentina wins, Brazil supporters lose; and those who actually lost are spared! The wife dies but it's Ram who mourns, while we hear the wailing from Rahim!
Last night's match, I saw Argentina's supporters' brains beneath every Cameroon player's feet, just as I had seen Brazil's supporters' brains beneath every Saudi Arabian player's feet on November 22nd!
Wait, wait, just a minute! Are you thinking that in this World Cup, no teams came except Brazil and Argentina? Incredible as it may seem, it's true... Of course they came, thirty more teams came!
Why did they come? Still don't understand? They came to sell colored tea to Bangladeshi Brazilian and Argentine supporters, mixed with ginger paste and lemon juice!
I would be extremely happy if neither Brazil nor Argentina wins this cup.
4. Argentina's queue has taken down Brazil, the world's number one team, in Qatar!
Today's defeat was absolutely what Brazil deserved. I can't recall ever seeing such a wretched state of finishers in any game.
O Brazil, go settle the debt of my lost sleep!
5. ... because Brazil deserves this defeat. Well played, Cameroon!!
6. Believe it or not, one day this game will end. That day you'll still remain unemployed. Messi-Neymar-Ronaldo will return from Bangladesh to their respective countries without acknowledging even an iota of your sacrifice. Their pockets will hold heaps of dollars, while your pocket holds that same old emptiness... your failure wrapped in your parents' unfulfilled dreams. They'll win the cup through the force of your Facebook performance, yet the curse of unemployment will still bind you hand and foot! Their wealth will grow as they chase the ball, your spirit will gasp as you chase after them. Believe me, that day you'll remain yourself, they'll remain themselves. All this meaningless aggression of yours won't increase your stature by a hair's breadth!
7. Though Argentina's defense on the playing field isn't very strong, their defense on Facebook's field ranks number one in the world. Actually, when Bangladeshis once embrace someone to their hearts, that person has no more worries. Win or lose, they are the victor. Step outside this and you'll face the wrath of zealous supporters. Argentina doesn't have such fierce supporters in behavior and attack even in Argentina itself.
Argentina's population is about forty-five million. Even if we assume every one of these forty-five million watches football, that number is nothing compared to the number of Bangladeshi Argentina supporters!
Even if no one in Argentina supports Argentina, Argentina would still be victorious in terms of supporter numbers. Bangladeshi supporters of Argentina could even declare war against the people of Argentina and merge them with their soil! And given the chance, they would do exactly that. In blind and furious emotion, Bangladeshis are world champions!
Dear Maradona, dear Messi, can you imagine all this!?
8. The night breeze is so strangely cool—to truly feel and enjoy this, one must ride a train or launch. Must means must... Our train keeps racing along, sparkling. Along with it, the cool breeze keeps wrapping around eyes and face... through the pitch-black darkness of villages racing alongside the train... Oh my, what are those!!
I notice countless, countless fireflies twinkling!! Above, the stars in the sky are also glimmering softly... Ahhh... if only one could bring a mouthful of fireflies and stuff them in a bag... how many desires people have...
I would often remember... having put sleep to sleep, in the lazy, solitary afternoons, sitting on the sun-and-shade wrapped veranda floor with the trees, how many stories and reminiscences we would share... sitting on the veranda practicing these habits was my daily routine.
After my beloved left me, I became terribly alone—like being suddenly shoved into the sea and told: you must learn to swim! That's when these habits of mine took shape... like singing Rabindrasangeet on the balcony at night, taking my tea mug to the rooftop terrace around eleven in the morning and sitting for hours in the gentle sunlight and shade, reciting poetry and recording it on my phone to listen back, composing songs, making coffee and soup noodles to eat between all these activities at night...
Today I see that only these remain—everything else has departed! Ha ha ha...
Thought: Nine Hundred Thirty-Five

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1. Those who follow me are divided into two groups:

One. Those who dislike me now

Two. Those who will dislike me later
When I write or speak, I keep this in mind too—that the second group will eventually migrate to the first, meaning they will dislike me and/yet keep following. Disliking me is easy, but resisting the temptation to attack me with nonsense is hard.
Some people dislike someone and won't go anywhere near them. Others dislike someone and keep circling behind them. The truth is, mental unemployment is the root of all mischief.
Alas, my followers spend far more time obsessing over me than they do engaging with my work. And when they do engage, it's not with the pieces that require some gray matter in headquarters. Just look at my wall posts from the last two or three days and you'll understand.
But I'm happy, because I can make you all dance at will.
2. Women's three favorite creatures: the devoted dog, the skilled tailor, and the wife-worshipping husband.

Men's three favorite creatures: someone else's ex-wife, someone else's current wife, and someone else's future wife.
3. Him: I could bring you the moon from the sky!

Her: Shut up, you show-off! First go get it for yourself!
4. Mother-in-law: Dear, will you be able to patiently manage my household?

Daughter-in-law: What are you saying, Mother! I'm an Argentina supporter!

Mother-in-law: Hey, wherever you all are, bring a cold Seven-Up for my daughter-in-law!
4. I've noticed that those who truly understand the game support Argentina. Like FIFA, like most people in Bangladesh. No matter how much you jump around, surely you don't understand the game better than FIFA!
5. The same mistake gives birth to different regrets in people at different times.
6. Hey Poland! There's such a thing as playing badly even within limits!

Ah, if only one or two others besides the goalkeeper had played for Poland!
7. Ahhh this Polish goalkeeper... such a beautiful wall!!
8. I've told the city a bagful of melancholy stories. In the frozen winter, the whole city naturally drowses in the evening anyway.

But listening to my stories today, I didn't see it drowsing. Instead I saw it shake itself and sit up alert. Why? Has no one ever whispered such melancholy stories into the ears of lonely streets before? Or not told them the way I do? I don't know. It feels wonderful to call these dust-covered streets my friends.
I went with a basketful of unrest and returned home having bought a chestful of peace. I couldn't smell tuberose, so a bouquet of roses was witness to my intoxication today. After reading Humayun, it's impossible to extend the duration of melancholy even if you want to!
And... oh yes, the color of my gown nearly matches the cover of 'Satkahon.'
O Deepavali... my Deepavali! Tell me Deepa, why are you like this? Even I, abandoning my womanhood to become a man for you — that desire burns in me. To win such a woman, taking renunciation and turning ascetic seems easy to me. Deepa, why do I drown in you? What fault will you find with me?
Dear author, if you hadn't adorned a fictional character with such perfection, would something have been lost? Perhaps it would have! Because the creator's name happens to be Samaresh Majumdar!
9. That day isn't far off when I'll stop feeling hurt, stop complaining. I'll stop waiting, stop getting angry when I see you in the waiting room, stop pestering you for not giving me time. I'll stop creating 'unrest' with my constant demands to meet. I'll stop wanting to lie in your lap when I'm unwell, stop fighting with you when I'm angry at someone else.
So many whims, so many desires, so many dreams, my memories, my years of waiting... the hidden household I built drop by drop with my tears... I'll abandon it all! You could say I already have.
You're very busy, you have so much work, so many responsibilities on your shoulders... blah blah blah... Fine, I've let go!
Listen, today I'm releasing your hand too.
You should also stop carrying me around in your mind, your brain, your body.
10. Just as winning doesn't always mean victory in war,

Losing doesn't always mean complete destruction either.
Avoiding quarrels and conflicts, you stand blocking the road today,

Know this: compromise could have happened through other paths too.
Everyone actually wants to drink, though none say it aloud,

To get intoxicated, not everyone needs to swallow alcohol.
11. (Come, let us learn translation.)
[The Bengali text contains what appears to be transliterated text in a non-standard script/dialect that seems intentionally garbled or coded. Without being able to definitively decode this passage, I'll note that it appears to be an experimental or artistic use of language that may represent dialect, code, or stylistic choice by the author.]
12. My heart grows heavy too, I remember you, but I can't say it. The truth is, I don't have the courage to say it. What's the point of being forward and creating unnecessary arguments!
I've saved thousands of YouTube videos to show you, prepared hundreds of thousands of topics for long discussions. I want to send you anything beautiful, anything worth learning, the moment I see it; yet I can't.
I know your door isn't closed to me, but it's kept open in such a way that even if I tried a hundred times, I couldn't enter. So these days I don't even try to enter. Even if I can't go inside, I watch you from the doorway. I see your laughter, your tears, your movements with perfect clarity. I love watching you.
You know, when I stood at your door with a handful of tuberoses, mustering all my courage, I saw that you still haven't found time to arrange in a vase that bouquet of roses I gave you last week — now wilted!
Still, I continue to wait...

Waiting is beautiful. Waiting has taught me to know myself.
13. On autumn afternoons, after the midday meal, only a brief slice of day remains. Sleep tugs at the eyelids, and it would be lovely to nap under a blanket, but I cannot bear to waste the beauty of these enchanting afternoons for the sake of a little slumber.
I am passing such afternoons now. The scent of burning dry leaves reaches my nose. Ah! How this fragrance floods me with countless memories of childhood!
This life that is swiftly drawing to a close—its evenings now end by five o'clock! How can this be? And then from half past five, when night begins, it seems never to end! The nights have always been quite long!
I wish for a little more evening; I wish that after eating beans and cauliflower curry and rising from my post-meal nap, I could still have ample time to read 'Satkahon' while sipping tea.
My autumns are very simple and plain, but wrapped in so many memories. That BTV at grandmother's house, Bengali films, the evening's shadows and rhythms, dawn's chitoi pitha, the jaggery-sweetened colored tea of dusk—they never let me grow up, never let me leave childhood behind.
On such afternoons, who has the heart to burn dry leaves? Do they have no childhood memories? Has autumn never come to their lives?
14. There was a time when I caused you great unrest, and I still cannot forget this. Sometimes it pains me deeply within. Not all pain can be shown, but it exists. Please forgive me. I now believe that in this world, peace must come before love. Love without peace is like a saw's blade, cutting continuously.
Now I only want you to be well and to live in peace. If I cause you even the slightest disturbance, step away on your own—I will ask nothing. My excessive expectations made your life unbearable, and those days you cannot forget even if you wanted to. One never forgets someone who once troubled them day after day. Still, forgive me, thinking of me as simply unwise.
You are the person I love. I loved you before, I love you still. In the future too, I am committed to myself that I will not change the person I love. This is final, whatever you may do. Forget me, push me away, never stay in touch, gradually forget—still, until life's last moment, I will know you as the person I love.
I believe that until death, one cannot forget the person they love; those who can forget never truly loved. There may be many people one likes or with whom one passes time, but there is only one person one loves.
**Thought: Nine hundred thirty-six

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1. For reasons and without reasons, I suddenly miss you deeply. This doesn't mean I lack anything, but this causeless emptiness will perhaps remain in the end. When distant things come near, they seem less precious than... when near things move far and then farther away, they become much closer. Perhaps there is some connection of souls between us. Everything feels somehow empty to me; I feel that my dearest one is the most distant. Be well, wherever and however you are.
To distract the mind, to live in forgetfulness — people do so many things. I never wanted to be a source of irritation to you, nor do I ever want to be. There was a time when I couldn't keep you well in the way you needed, but now that I understand this, I try to confine myself elsewhere. That I cannot manage it completely — perhaps you understand this.
Emotionally, I think of no one else, take no one else. No emotion stirs in me for anyone else. I use only what is necessary for survival. I have no attachment or longing left for anything.
Let me say something. Does simply mingling with someone allow you to become theirs? If it were that easy, how many people would breathe easier! Sometimes people deliberately deceive themselves in the hope of survival. This way they try to flee from themselves. They test themselves, and fail their own examinations.
I understand that I will never find space in your life, so I use every possible opportunity to keep myself in forgetfulness. I see that you are well. That I am not around you — perhaps all this time you have never even noticed. None of this is complaint; I simply haven't been able to break the habit of telling you everything. Perhaps one day I'll be able to move away from this bad habit too!
2. I am deeply curious to know: after all these years of independence, how free are we really as a nation?
We lost our voice long ago. An invisible force has us by the throat. This force belongs to no party or group, but is rather an idea, a mentality. Day after day we adjust ourselves to countless irregularities — whether willingly or unwillingly. Watching these irregularities unfold before our eyes, I often feel like nothing more than a mechanical being. Even then, I want to muster the courage to say something!
Tell me, does the Creator not look upon all His servants with equal eyes? Did He not provide all His servants the opportunity to dwell on this same earth? Do our parents not look upon all their children with the same gaze?
If this is so, then why are our hearts — we servants, we children — so polluted? Why don't I know how to willingly let others enjoy their rightful share? Why must some be forced to wrest their rights through protest, pressure, complaint, or the use of force? Does this land belong only to certain communities?
Not just families, but if a state, even the entire world, must daily raise its voice to snatch its own rights, then... where is our sense of brotherhood? Where is our freedom? Where is our peace? Where is our tolerance? Where has humanity fled? Where has unity hidden?
Come, let us abandon adding oil to the oiled head and learn to be each other's companions and fellow sufferers. Let us not forget that our end is the same. For everyone, religion has become more emotion than religion itself, and when this emotional core is struck, people cannot easily forget. You surely haven't forgotten the last time you were humiliated? No one forgets.
Religion surely does not teach foolishness. Instead of responding to provocation, verify accurate information and adopt a peaceful path to problem-solving. You will see that therein lies true welfare, therein lies boundless peace.
3. If you ever feel that someone is using you under the pretext of love, keeping you in anguish, then setting aside all the logic in the world, let go of their hand right then.
...I read so many beautiful thoughts in various places, feel deeply moved while reading them, but that's where it ends—I can never apply them to my own life. Even when I find advice that perfectly matches my situation, I remain trapped in the same suffering as before. Does someone as worthless as me truly have any right to exist?
You dislike me intensely, don't you? Sometimes you even feel deeply irritated by me and start feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps you sometimes wonder why you ever maintained contact with me at all! Your birthday passed, I didn't wish you—because I know my wishes mean nothing to you; rather, you would prefer freedom from the tiresome behavior of someone like me on that special day. Besides, what good are mere text messages! I can do nothing for you! So all these empty words are utterly meaningless.
How can I set you free, tell me? I cannot separate you from my own thoughts. Perhaps I'll have to carry this inability for the rest of my life, perhaps I'll only be able to forget for brief moments under the pressure of work! Even that would be a great achievement for me. I know not everyone gets everything, but do people like me—who despite trying so hard receive nothing from life—will anyone believe this?
Anyone can claim to love while keeping someone at a distance. It's easy to find fault with others while always remaining silent oneself.
In trying to live according to your wishes, I've learned to survive by reconciling myself with not having, but I cannot feel this living itself...that's all! This indifference toward life is slowly destroying me.
Stay well. My gratitude for enduring my torment.
4. You have problems with everything I do. You won't say what you want, yet when I try to stay, you forcibly push me away. What should I do then? Which way should I turn? I've always wanted to live according to your wishes, but you never let me understand anything.
I never said I don't like you. What's there to like or dislike about you? You are my beloved! No one judges their beloved; those who do simply don't know how to love. I said I'm growing weary from constantly trying to understand you and trying to make you grasp the depth of my love, but you refuse to understand anything about me.
Since you entered my life until today, I have never thought of anyone else. For me, love means only you. Many times, exhausted, stubborn, in anger and hurt, I've done many things, yet I never got physically involved with anyone else, and when I was determined to do even that, the Creator somehow prevented it.
I keep trying to understand you, wanting to be what your heart desires, wanting to be your place of peace, but I don't know what I should do, how I should be, how I should behave for you to find peace, for you to be well. I am committed to loving you—that's my commitment to myself—then why won't you let me understand you even a little? People need to be given opportunities. And I am trying. If there's any mistake in my words, please point it out.
Coming to you is a problem, talking to you on the phone is a problem, keeping in touch with you is a problem... then how else does a person move forward! People advance by holding onto some thread of connection. So tell me, how else am I supposed to hold onto you?
5. A child is the complete reflection of their parents. Before blaming your child, look at yourself and yourselves, because children first imitate and follow their parents, carrying their traits and habits within themselves until death. If you have behavioral problems, your child will have them too. There's no point scolding them about it.
A bad tree rarely bears good fruit. Don't expect from your child what you yourself are not; if you do, prepare yourself for disappointment beforehand. What use is hoping to receive what you don't deserve? Rather, if you somehow receive it anyway, consider it a bonus, and celebrate that gift!
6. The problem is, even if someone were to burden my heart with all the sorrows of this world right now, that feeling wouldn't work on me for very long; gradually, the sensations of pain have become so inactive.
This is what I truly want: for someone to give me a kind of pain I've never experienced before in my life, a pain that would create an intense spark within me... I want this desperately, yet nothing ever happens.
Even if I were pushed out onto the street right now, I'd sleep peacefully there. I have nothing, yet it doesn't matter to me at all... I've reached such a terrible position. I need these feelings of pain, because a person without feeling can accomplish nothing. How could they... when they have no sensation even of peace!
**Thought: Nine Hundred Thirty-Seven

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1. Good times may take rather long to arrive in life. But when they come, everything good comes or happens for the rest of one's life. Even when bad things come or happen, a person can extract themselves from them if they once learn when, how, and from where to pull themselves out.
Who is a better teacher than time itself! Hard times grant people complete maturity in life, teach them to recognize people, teach them to distinguish wrong from right; thus they completely reform a person. There can be no greater wealth in life than this. Spending this wealth, people learn to live the rest of their lives in happiness and peace. This education is what keeps people alive as human beings.
Almighty or Nature has three answers to our prayers or wishes, I believe:
1. Yes

2. Yes, but not now

3. I've a better plan for you
Those who know how to wait patiently receive good things in life; the rest are lost. Even if people don't get what they want, they do receive what they need. To glimpse the most beautiful times, one must keep oneself in joy, keep steady, accept all suffering naturally, stay away from unnecessary emotions, and accept work itself as worship or prayer. Living in faith that one might receive something is far better than losing everything through disbelief.
2. One wonderful thing is that so many people are reading poetry now, reciting it. Young people from the new generation are writing, reciting for pleasure. They're making their own albums of their readings! The spoken-word movement has drawn people to poetry far more than before. This is deeply positive.
In our time, poetry had a completely boring image. If someone was writing poetry or composing in meter, or reciting it, they'd get trolled mercilessly, mocked endlessly. Today's generation is gravitating toward spoken-word poetry. Through this, alongside the new, older poetry is also being read. Love for poetry is growing. This is something that brings me immense joy. Around me now, I see more poetry lovers, readers and enthusiasts than those devoted to stories and novels. It feels wonderful!
Once you learn to live through poetry, you never feel alone again. There's hardly a better weapon than poetry for fighting loneliness.
3. Me: Listen, tell me this—your body's unwell, yet you stay awake so late into the night. Why? For which beauty? When you're half-dead from staying up all night, will she come to see you with a flask of tea she's made? Tell me honestly, has someone really made such a promise... that you've let yourself drift away saying let the body go to hell for that joy?
Believe me, I've made no such promise! I never will! If it were me, I'd just kill you with sleep, or would have put you to sleep. Sleep is love! Sleep is devotion!
You live away from home—the care of home is never found outside, surely you understand this much. So take some care of yourself. When you're unwell, don't let several days pass living like an invalid; give your body and mind a little rest... surely no one has given you the responsibility of becoming a machine? If someone has, then they don't want you, only your creations.
I don't know whether my saying these things feels right to you, but it seemed I should say them, so I did. I might not say many things aloud, or ever will, but that doesn't mean I'm completely a robot either! ('Robot' is what my friends call me.)
How many times I've thought before writing even these should-be-said words, I myself don't know. Perhaps I can't speak or express things so romantically, but that doesn't mean the intensity of my love is equally dim.
I speak in somewhat army-general-type language, I can't speak tenderly.
First get yourself healthy, then ruin your head over worldly matters.

Understood?
You: Yes ma'am, people used to call me a robot too. Why are you so good? Makes me want to grab you and beat you up!
4. What I observed is that there are two types of supporters in this World Cup.
One group's calculation is utterly simple. They think: if we win, we win. End of story—the end! No complications! The math is as straightforward as water!
The other group has calculations involving complex math and equations. They think: if such-and-such team can beat so-and-so team, and so-and-so team loses to this-and-that team, and such-and-such and so-and-so match ends in a draw, then we will definitely win. Therefore, this World Cup is ours. Who can stop our victory! Congratulations! Congratulations! Come, everyone join together in celebrating our World Cup triumph. We're the best, we're the victors! Hey, wherever you all are... go right up to the other team's ears and blow your vuvuzelas with all your body's strength! Today is our day of great joy, everyone dive into today's festival of celebration!
Love is a truly strange thing! Let life go to hell, let dignity be damned—but whatever needs to be done to defend the one we love, reasonably or unreasonably, we'll keep doing it till our dying breath! Ah, everything gets thrashed before emotion!
I know Sadia keeps failing relentlessly...keeps failing. What a spirit! Hats off, my dear! Since I love Sadia, even if Nadia tops the class, her position must surely be many, many, many-to-the-power-of-infinity places behind Sadia. What kind of comparison is this anyway! When I think of how much less Nadia's 100 in math is compared to Sadia's 28, I shiver with joy and contentment! That Feludi who questions Sadia's excellence is the number one lunatic-buffoon! I pity such thick-headed jackasses! Ugh!
Brother, you understand so much, yet you don't understand this calculation? The other 27 students in math...well, granted they didn't get zero, but if they'd at least gotten 1 to 27, then my heart's bird Sadia could have easily danced her way to second place in class and would have left that worthless Nadia behind in a second, wouldn't she? How much can Sadia do alone! Even endurance has its limits! Those 27 are mainly responsible for Sadia's current position—anyone who drags Sadia into this discussion, where could you find a bigger fool?!
Oh! What did Richardson do! He missed those two passes right in front of the goalkeeper! Even the amateur boys in our neighborhood don't make such mistakes! He should have been taken off the field much earlier! Ah, how easily two more goals would have slipped into Brazil's pocket!
Such thoughts occur...if this had happened, that would have happened, or if this hadn't happened, that would have happened; yes, such thoughts can certainly arise. Quite natural. What's occurring to the mind isn't false, after all. Everything was visible right before our eyes! Along with this, it's also true that no one person wins every day. Different people reign on different days. Let's not forget Richardson's contribution in the previous match. This bad habit of pushing away memory in the rush of emotion is nothing new for us!
Of course, we do forget. As spectators or supporters, we're not particularly merciful creatures. We have very little capacity for tolerance or forgiveness. When we love someone, we somehow acquire all rights to be cruel to them. This is why Bengali love is not a very convenient thing. Staying a hundred hands away from it is the mark of wisdom.
Before yesterday, Brazil had won 3 matches, lost 2, and drawn 4 against Switzerland up to that point. In World Cup terms, this was Brazil's first victory against Switzerland; the previous two matches had both been draws.
Switzerland is quite a strong team. Those who judge excellence by how many cups someone won in the past should look toward Italy—they'll get their answer. More important than what our fathers and grandfathers had is looking at what I have. Only fools cover their gray present with the rumination of a golden past.
It would be wrong to think that Brazil's supporters watched yesterday's game with completely peaceful minds. When you're playing against a team Brazil had never been able to beat in the World Cup, supporters inevitably feel some pressure. Moreover, Neymar wasn't on the field today, and the absence of such a dependable player undoubtedly created a kind of psychological emptiness. Seeing Messi-Neymar-Ronaldo on the field also gives comfort to spectators' eyes and minds.
Richarlison, the hero of the previous match's victory, showed some rhythm disruption in his finishing; players failing despite getting close to the opponent's goalpost; the lament of goals-that-became-non-goals caught in the semi-automated offside technology; escaping from the jaws of goal by mere inches at least twice... enduring all this before one's eyes while waiting for a goal was gradually enhancing the beauty of the game. The waiting itself was beautiful!
When Casemiro's powerful shot from his right foot struck the bar in the 83rd minute, perhaps Switzerland's goalkeeper, stunned, was singing to himself... I had nothing to catch...no...I had nothing to catch...I watched and watched as the ball went in...the ball went in, I watched and watched...
Indeed, poor Sommer could do nothing at all. The ball racing toward the goalpost was completely beyond his reach. Thus, through the aesthetic Brazilian display of short passes across the field, Brazil advanced to the next round with one match still remaining.
France went through to the knockout first, followed by Brazil. What next? Let's see what happens!
Reflection: Nine Hundred Thirty-Eight

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1. Switzerland's goalkeeper: I had nothing to catch...no...I had nothing to catch...I watched and watched as the ball went in...the ball went in, I watched and watched...
2. Except for you, I can't trust anyone else. Yet even your presence feels like an absence...
Maybe I've wasted my last two years behind someone wrong!

And at the same time, I'm in doubt if I should continue this relationship or not, because so many things about him are still in question. I'm going through a hard situation. I wasn't hungry for getting a relationship, but I don't know why am I doing the same mistakes repeatedly. Now I'm fully destroyed.
I just wanted to fix my life in the right way but I'm failing and failing again. Nothing can I do to fix myself up. Everything I've done is wrong and still I can't find out my problems or lackings. I just want a life where I would never regret on myself feeling that I never tried. I've lost my confidence in every aspect of my life. Now I just feel that nothing can I ever fix. Maybe it's not wastage. I've learnt a lot. Who knows!
The relationship probably won't last. Because you know, I'm not the type to adjust with anyone—I'm very stubborn. It's only possible if someone comes forward willingly and accepts and adapts to everything. Even that—does it happen? What kind of life is this! Inevitably, it's "walk alone" once again!
Of course, I've grown accustomed to my solitude! Where my body is valued more than my being, is it right for me to go there? Perhaps humans never find true love in their entire lifetime.
3. Life would become much easier if one learned to live without emotional attachment to anyone or anything in this world; at least one's control would remain with oneself. The body runs toward bodily desires, and the mind runs toward mental attractions. Where both body and mind are pulled, that's where humans get trapped. Humans don't get trapped by purely physical attraction, yet the same person becomes bound to get trapped by purely mental attraction. This is perhaps why humans become so worldly.
Shedding emotional attachment from within oneself is extremely difficult. I still haven't mastered it, which is perhaps why I keep getting trapped again and again. Would you teach me a little—how to shake off emotional attachment from within? It would be wonderful for me. Otherwise, everyone keeps exploiting this weakness of mine repeatedly. Whatever happens, I need to turn my emotional core to stone.
No one compares people deliberately. It comes inevitably. When someone cannot be matched with anyone else, when someone stands apart from everyone in their uniqueness, when their actions manifest differently from others—then comparison inevitably follows. To this day, I have spent all the best moments of my life with you, in your presence. When someone else tries to become special, but I cannot match even a trace of them with you, when what I truly deserve remains unfulfilled—then comparison arises; and from that comparison, the emptiness grows deeper still. This is unworthy of being fulfilled in exchange for anything. Love is authentic. Even amidst great pretense, it can be distinguished. I learned this simple understanding from you.
I wait for you every single minute. Please, will you keep me waiting in anticipation of this one minute for the rest of my life? Believe me, I would be deeply, deeply happy in this. I can no longer bear fake love—rather, I feel like becoming utterly alone instead. Lately, I want to spend eternity waiting for the right person. Even if that waiting lasts until death! I will settle all accounts of this lifetime in waiting for the right person. I no longer want anyone to love me by mistake or out of their own need.
4. : I confess, over the past 10 years I've slowly failed to cherish all the good things in you. My lack of attention has brought us where we are today. Nevertheless, I wish only for your happiness.

: You don't have to apologize. Actually, it's not all your fault. I just don't want to stand behind and wait for you to turn around anymore. Go wherever you want to. I'll find my way. Thank you.
5. Yes brother, you've got it exactly right—I am indeed a seasonal football fan, not a professional one; my profession lies elsewhere. Are you a professional football fan? Does your life and livelihood roll from field to field like football itself? Bravo! Wonderful...wonderful! If you could elaborate on the various opportunities and possibilities of this novel profession, we would all be grateful. I firmly believe your invaluable discussion would play a significant role in reducing unemployment.
I have not the slightest anger or affection toward any team—emotion is far beyond the question! However, while I don't dance to these things myself, I do enjoy making others dance. You all come to my wall and keep dancing around completely free of charge—it brightens my mood just watching. I keep thinking again and again: make them dance more...more! My beloved dancing artists, please accept my humble gratitude.
When you ask me, "Brother, which team do you support?", I feel overwhelmed with emotion and want to burst into tears. One can easily imagine what profound, selfless love it takes for a person to search so frantically, like a madman, for another madman just like himself. The emotion that teaches me to think of someone as a distant stranger—someone who has never done me any harm—requires my immediate psychiatric attention.
But yes, when I see the sporting fury and victory processions of professional football fans in every neighborhood, on every wall, I truly feel a deep sense of joy. The reason is that being able to find happiness in one's professional life is a matter of great fortune. We all have something to learn from the professional fans of Brazil and Argentina. Fulfilling one's professional duties with such satisfaction and supreme devotion is a kind of art. I feel deeply inspired when I see these respected professional football fans express such enthusiasm for their profession. Respect and more respect for these great artists!
My beloved Messi-Neymar-Ronaldo-Mbappé are sources of reverence, entertainment, and inspiration for me—not of quarrels and fights. When these magicians run across the field, my mind and eyes remain fixed on their feet. This is neither my addiction nor my profession... it is simply mixed with infinite affection.
6. Victory is beautiful.

Argentina is beautiful.

The sky is beautiful.

Today, in the sweet sunshine of autumn, the fragrance of World Cup victory is floating triumphantly all around us.

The birds are singing... ah, what joy in the sky and air...
Most people in Bangladesh support Argentina. That's why vuvuzelas have been blowing intermittently since last night. In intense excitement, both lips of brave Bengalis have awakened together.

This awakening is truly much desired. So we want everyone to win. If everyone wins, everyone will wake up. There will be great joy. With high hopes in our hearts, may every home in Bengal burst with celebration: ¡Vamos, Argentina! Silence, non-Argentina!! Let Argentina's sky-blue flag flutter in the heavens. Let the world see, we all paint the sky from the tips of bamboo... who dares to stop us?!
Thanks to Mexico for their extraordinary display of sporting skill. When the opponent plays so brilliantly, it would be a great sin not to win! Congratulations to Maradona's worthy successors for not becoming accomplices to sin.

We will remember Argentina's contribution to Mexico's honorable defeat with utmost gratitude... who knows, perhaps we'll be compelled to remember it out of old habit! We are at the pinnacle of gratitude as a people. We have proven that we don't easily forget anything. Since 1986, dot dot dot...
Today is a day of great joy. Technology is now very advanced—it can easily identify all limbs including hands and feet separately. Just imagine, our beloved Argentina has today stood on its own feet instead of relying on hands! Today the Argentina team has only one slogan: Why use hands when you have feet!
By the way, special thanks to Messi for that aesthetic goal. If he had faced a slightly stronger defense, he could undoubtedly have scored a visually delightful goal like Richarlison. But fate ordained otherwise—what can be done! If one wants to win like a king, one must fight with kings!
Postscript. I was watching the match on Toffee. During the mid-game break, there was a little quiz competition hosted by Debasish Biswas, where one of the questions was: When did Argentina last win the World Cup? A very simple question—the general sports-loving public knows the answer from years of constant following.
That's not the point. The point is, did Debasish-da ask the question deliberately? Or was it not really a question at all, but rather a timely inspirational rendition of that immortal song by Ramesh Sheel—dedicated to Messi: Half-time's running out, Messi, half-time's running out... With zero goals, it's slipping away, half-time's running out!