The Hardest Battle

Do you know what the fiercest and most terrifying war in the world is? The war you wage against yourself.

All wars eventually cease—even the great clashes between mighty nations, powerful institutions, or commanding figures find their settlement through mediation or intervention. Peace comes, treaties are signed, borders are drawn.

But how does that war end—the one where both sides and counter-sides are you yourself?

Friends and neighbors ask, "How are you?"—and you return a smile, saying, "I'm doing wonderfully!"—yet behind closed doors, you labor day and night with a heart ravaged and in ruins, sometimes fighting to live, sometimes fighting to keep living. No one ever learns the truth of it.

You want to make someone understand—that you're slowly being torn apart, that you need help—but in the very next moment you hide yourself away from everyone. You've been discovered, yet you refuse to be found.

Two beings in one body. Two thoughts in one mind.

When the world sleeps at midnight, the two selves inhabiting you wake in tumultuous conflict. Inside your skull, a clamor erupts; worries and uncertainties gnaw at your brain, trying to devour it whole. Despair stirs and churns through every inch of your mind. You stretch out your hands toward death seeking liberation from them, then beg life to spare you from death. You don't even know if you want to live, or if you simply want to feel whether you're alive at all.

In such a tangled struggle, you waste away day by day—yet no one sees, no one understands.

Then one day, all the world's wars cease. Borders are marked with barbed wire. Treaties are signed. Notices of ceasefire are issued from nation to nation. Everything happens.

Yet the peace treaty between you and yourself is never reached. No barrier, no great wall ever divides the two selves dwelling in your mind.

No one mediates in the war raging within you. No one holds a press conference declaring: not war, but peace—only peace, we want only peace!

Your war does not end.

And yet…when someone close to you, someone you love, suddenly asks, "Tell me, how are you really doing?"—from deep within, you keep screaming, "I'm not okay at all! Save me, please!"—but you silence that voice of your own self crying out, press it down hard, and answer with a sweet smile: "I'm doing so well! (Better than I've ever been!)"