The Grammar of Disconnection / Final Chapter

— Now let me say a few things, and you listen carefully. You don't have a father. You're living entirely on your brother's expense. Your father didn't leave anything for you that would let you spend the rest of your life alone without marriage. Besides, you've only passed eighth grade. You don't really know how to study, and you don't know any other work that could support you. And you don't want to do just any job either. Your family has arranged jobs for you twice before — once at a hospital, another time as a receptionist at a showroom. However they managed it, they did arrange it, but you didn't even last a month at either job before quitting and coming back home. You live in your brother's household. Where your sister-in-law, who's like a mother to you, gets up at six in the morning, you and your daughter never wake up before ten. You've never once in your life laid a hand on any household work. To this day, I've never seen you do anything except make your own tea and tidy your own bed and room. Whether guests come to your house or anyone else, you just sit in your room talking on the phone all day in front of everyone. You don't respect any elders, and sometimes you even forget to say a simple "How are you?" when guests arrive at your own home. Tell me, if you went to visit someone's house today and the people there didn't talk to you properly, didn't pay you any attention, would you go to that house a second time? This constant phone talking in front of everyone — you don't even realize it's rude.
You never voluntarily take on a single household task. You never sit and talk with anyone in the family. When does your own daughter eat, when does she sleep, when does she study or whether she studies at all, when does her tutor come, what is the tutor teaching or whether he's teaching properly, whether your daughter is doing her tutor's assignments properly — do you ever keep track of any of this? Well, tell me, what grade is your daughter in now? Let's see if you even know. Your brother lives in another country — how is he doing, how is his job going, whether he's having any problems — you have an older sister too, what's their situation — you never keep track of any of this. And here you are saying you worry all day long! What have you accomplished with all this worrying over these years, tell me? Has your life stopped for anything? Do you lack anything? Or do you even understand what lacking means? Do you know that your brother is having some financial difficulties? For almost a year now he hasn't been getting his salary properly. Do you know how your mother and brother are managing the household expenses by scraping together from here and there? And now if your brother wants to come back to the country, he can't even do that, because whether there's food on the table or not, he has to pay forty thousand taka every month for this house loan. He still has fifteen lakh taka in loans. Don't you know any of this?
Despite all this, have you ever gone without eating for even one meal, or has your tea ever been skipped for even one day? Do you understand that your brother, who can't come home even when he wants to, day after day, for all of you, is stuck abroad away from everyone, away from his own family, his own wife and children? And when you say they taunt you about feeding you — if someone feeds a person even just with lentils, rice and mashed potato, do you know how much it costs per month? Have you ever gone to the market to buy groceries? Just think for a moment — do you ever eat rice without fish? So where does this money come from? Your brother alone manages all the household expenses. And is your brother living well by himself while not taking good care of you? And if they're saying such things now, why are they saying it? Surely it's because his financial situation isn't going well — if you're family, you should at least understand this.
When he buys a sari for his wife, has he ever left out you two sisters? I see you sometimes making trouble about food at home — you won't eat this, you won't eat that, if your preferred vegetable isn't cooked you get up and leave the dining table. How many times do you cook yourself, tell me? When your sister-in-law makes tea, if the tea is a little weak, you don't drink it. Your daughter, just like you, makes trouble about eating at every meal every day. You and your daughter together keep arguing about this and that all day long, with no consideration that there are other people in the house who also have work to do. You don't study, your daughter doesn't study either — fine, if you don't, there's no problem. But your sister-in-law does study. After finishing household work all day, she sits down to read a little in the evening, and immediately you start unnecessary arguments about trivial matters inside the house. Now you tell me, after working all day, how long can a person tolerate all this?
Your family tells you to get married, but you don't like any boy at all — even here you have so many problems! Look at yourself once — what are you? Do you ever look? You have a daughter, so why would a single, unmarried man marry you, tell me? Oh, you're beautiful, isn't that right? You have fair skin, you're good-looking, what else do you need? Well, think a little — will an unmarried man ever understand your problems? Since you're a married woman, what you've been through — surely another married man would be able to understand those problem areas, wouldn't he? And are you getting younger day by day, or older? Your daughter is now in class seven, and in a little while you'll have to arrange her marriage, and you're still sitting there playing the child? What so-and-so did, how so-and-so lives — you want the same. Are you like so-and-so? There's a big difference between a single girl and a single mother. And this constant "Shahriyar, Shahriyar" you keep doing — Shahriyar this, Shahriyar that — how many days have you lived as a family with Shahriyar? How many of your expenses does Shahriyar cover?
Listen Nilu, you're not living on Shahriyar's expense yet, you don't live with him. When you live with him, when he fully covers your expenses, takes complete care of you, then you'll understand what Shahriyar really is. You can never know a person from a distance. Shahriyar might sympathize with you. How long will you survive on just mental support if there's no food in your stomach, tell me? And do you think everything is as simple as water? You'll live happily with your daughter and his two children, is that right? You love him, so you have absolutely no objection to accepting his children, right?
And your daughter? She'll also lovingly accept Shahriyar, won't she? Then you'll have a happy family with three children. Then when there's rivalry among your children, what then?
When Shahriyar pays a little more attention to his son and doesn't pay attention to your daughter, then Shahriyar will become bad, distance will be created between you, won't it? And raising three children nowadays is how expensive, do you know? Their food costs? Education? Clothes? Then who will do all this work? Will you do it? At your father's house you don't even pour yourself a glass of water! Until now you're at least in this condition. And you'll raise three children together! Well tell me, when was the last time you fed your own daughter with your own hands? I can't remember — rather, when your daughter comes from school and asks you for food, you point her to the dining table. You don't even have time to see whether the girl is eating properly or not. You're on the phone all day! Do you ever try to understand how this little girl is growing up neglected day after day without getting her mother's care? Do you realize how much pressure this can put on her mind? She's never had her father and mother together since childhood — don't you think this hurts her inside? When was the last time you sat your daughter close to you and listened to her school stories, tell me? The moment she says even the slightest thing, you scold her and speak harshly, and you're going to handle a four-month-old baby — someone else's too! You'll raise three children all by yourself! And in between, you'll have your own babies too, won't you? Or will you two spend your whole lives just being supplements to each other's children, don't need any new ones? You're like a ten-armed goddess — I see you'll beat all the supermen and women including Goddess Durga!
Oh, and there's more — Shahriyar has to take regular medicine for his back bone problem, needs regular checkups, and you have thyroid problems too. Just for medicine alone you need four thousand taka every month, and this cost will increase day by day, because thyroid is a lifelong problem — once you start the medicine for this, you have to continue it for your entire life until death. And as far as I know, your family is covering even this cost until now. Who will bear all these expenses after your marriage? Shahriyar? What does Shahriyar do? As far as I know, he's just gotten a third-class government job, but hasn't even been appointed yet! And if Shahriyar suddenly has an accident today, he doesn't have any savings to handle it. And you're both becoming separated from your respective families, so there's no hope of getting any kind of support from them. Okay, I understand — with Shahriyar's love you'll be able to do everything, accept everything with your eyes closed, is that it? What a tremendous affair!

And with all the work you both do all day long, when you won't be able to spend a quiet moment together just the two of you, won't be able to go anywhere alone, (now you both roam the hills and dales in such a carefree mood, that's why I'm saying this) will you be able to accept that? And this business of building a family while causing pain to so many households, creating constant turmoil at home, carrying the curses of so many people—do you really expect that to be happy? I'm honestly on the verge of fainting from sheer amazement, believe me! I'm beginning to understand just how much power love really has! Listen, whatever else you do before marriage, at least go see a good psychiatrist. I really think you're completely mentally unwell!
- No, if I marry now, then Binti's father and everyone from her grandfather's house won't let her stay with me anymore. They'll take her away. Though I've been thinking to myself, when everything gradually gets sorted out, then I'll bring Binti to live with me. And Shahriyar's children will stay with their mother too. I won't separate them from their mother. Children shouldn't be separated from their mother. Shahriyar will send whatever money they need each month. And Shahriyar is taking the BCS written exam this time, even if not this time, if he gets into BCS next time, then financially things will be more comfortable. Though his exam didn't go very well this time. This time he says he might not even pass. And the other day I was talking to Rini, her husband is a lawyer. Rini says she'll tell her husband about our problem. Let's see what can be done after that.
- Oh I see, so you've pretty much cleared the path already! And this business you mentioned about not wanting to separate his children from their mother, so you won't keep them—please don't try to convince me with such talk. Why you won't keep his children, that at least I understand completely, if no one else does. And how will his exams go well? I see him hanging around with you all the time, every time I've gone out on some errand, I've seen you two wandering about together. When does he study if he's out roaming so much? Boys like him spend their whole lives wandering the streets and never get good jobs. I've seen many like that. That's exactly what should happen to them, serves them right! And even two days before his written exam I saw him with you, at a time when there's barely time to use the bathroom with all the revision pressure, and there he was happily strolling with you under the mango and jamun trees. Did he actually take the exam? Or is it all fake? Do you know anything for certain? Has he even really got that third-class job? When I asked him before to name a few BCS preliminary books, he couldn't even say those properly. The names he gave me, what he said about BCS, those were stories from ten years ago. Listen, you should properly investigate him first.
And I see you're going to destroy every household in the world! Why are you dragging Rini into this mess? What will Rini tell her son-in-law? Will she say that one of her friends is in love with a married man with two children, and wants to set up house with him, but the boy can't leave his wife and children, so could you help sort it out? Is that it? Then where will Rini's respect stand with her son-in-law? What kind of girl does Rini keep friendship with, who dreams of building her own home by breaking someone else's? How many children does Rini have? Two daughters, right? Instead of helping you, Rini's son-in-law will start worrying about his own family! Ha ha ha. And why should you call a lawyer to break up someone else's family! Let whoever wants it so badly go himself, why doesn't the person with the problem solve it himself? Then later he'll say, I never wanted to break up my settled family, this scheming woman conspired, found her own lawyer and forced me to break up my family, just like how he blames his wife for everything now. He didn't want to marry his wife, his wife forced him at gunpoint to marry her! A man who finds so much fault with his wife, if he marries you he'll do the same thing with you, only find faults with you. You'll see! Ha ha ha...
- I've gotten so entangled with him that I can't think of anything else without him now. I wanted to move away from him, but without him I'm falling sick. I spend the whole day worrying about him, about how to do what, yet meanwhile he went to a friend's house this morning for lunch with his wife. His friend apparently invited him, and his friend's wife kept calling his wife to come, so he couldn't avoid taking his wife along.
- Hmm, very good work indeed. That's exactly what he'll say. He's perfectly fine where he is. Has he clearly told you anything, tell me? Has he told you that he'll really marry you?
- He has. He really loves me, he wants to marry me. But he's a bit confused about whether it's right to make a marriage decision like this, abandoning his children. That's why I'm the one telling him to take a little more time to think.
- My God, you're turning out to be a complete fool! After all this time of love and romance, foaming at the mouth talking about marriage, and now he's saying he's confused! Why didn't you slap him one...ha ha ha. Do you understand what confusion means in any relationship? When a person can't answer a question within three seconds, you have to understand they're confused about it, and in most cases such answers are usually wrong answers. And here, coming to such a major life question, he's still saying he's confused! And you keep cheerfully saying that he loves you! Do you understand what love is? Love is where neither person has any kind of confusion. From the moment two people decide we're going to get into a relationship, until the very last day they at least remain sure that I love this person and for them, for their good, for this person's peace, whatever I need to do, I'll do it all. And you're making such a major decision based on a confusion, thinking everything through by yourself and settling everything! And listen, people want to do many things, but they only do what they decide they will do. So the difference between wanting to do and will do—surely I don't need to point that out to you with my finger, right? Neither of you two is right in your position. First fix the foundation of your relationship, ask yourselves what you actually want from each other, then think about making other decisions. And let me tell you what position you're in now, you won't get much more time. And I think taking too much time won't be good for you either.
- I can understand that. I want to move away, but I can't manage it with myself. How will I move away? How will I shift my attention from this direction? I understand too that I can't take much time. Because Nupur Auntie keeps asking me to let the family know my decision about that American boy.
- Hmm. That American boy seems quite good. He's single now. And he honestly said that he had a relationship before, he paid for that girl's education, but after finishing her studies and getting established, the girl married someone else. He's still in depression about it. The boy was depressed all this time, but now he's decided he wants to get into a new relationship. He'll marry this time. So how much clearer can it get, tell me! And that boy even told your aunt that he'll take you with your daughter. The boy's age is less too, so what more do you want to know? What more do you want?
- If that boy wanted to do a contract marriage for a year or less, then I would have done it. But this boy won't do that, this boy wants to marry for life. So how can I do it? I was thinking if this boy does a one-year contract marriage, then after going to America and getting a green card I'll bring Shahriyar there. But I won't be able to do that here either. And if after marriage I get a green card and then leave him, the boy will suffer. He'll say, look, whoever I trusted, they used me. That looks bad, so I don't want to do that. And Shahriyar tells me that since this American boy had a relationship before, and since he was in depression about that girl for so long, if that girl ever comes back in the future, then this boy will leave you and go back to that girl, there's a risk there. I've thought about it, this point is also right! I've decided, I'll give Shahriyar some more time. If I see he can arrange something to take me, then fine, but if I see he's doing nothing, just taking time, then I'll marry this American boy. If I stay in the country I won't be able to avoid him. He'll keep coming before me, then give me the plea of love, but actually he won't be able to do anything. I understand this too.
- There...I see you've become completely devoted to Shahriyar!
Have you made Shahriar your spiritual guide or what? I see he's completely brainwashed you! Nothing but Shahriar this, Shahriar that! And do you know how long it takes to get a green card in America? Minimum four and a half years. Who are you going to spend those four and a half years with? Ha ha ha. Listen, even if you can't forget at will, you can always choose to keep forgetting, always. Tell me something—if Binti's father, I mean Rimon, had treated you even a little better today, I mean hadn't beaten you so much, would you have left him? Certainly not! So if Shahriar's wife had kept him in a little peace, would Shahriar have come to you? Certainly not! So how would you two have managed then, tell me? If there had been peace in both your homes, surely you wouldn't have moved forward like this, right? So if today someone other than Shahriar treats you well, why can't you be with him? Try, and you'll be able to. Look, you can't play games with so many lives. You'll destroy yourselves and several other lives along with it. And think about this—no matter how much pain you feel, Shahriar won't have time to feel pain. Because he has his wife at home. And when his wife finds out about this, she'll want to support him all the time, because after all, she's Shahriar's wife. So there's no scope for Shahriar to feel lonely, while you'll be alone, which is why you'll feel worse—that's only natural.
Think about it—could you leave Rimon in a single day? In ten years of married life, you left everything behind at least a hundred times and walked away, then went back. Finally, when you couldn't take it anymore, you left completely. So how can you forget everything from this relationship so quickly in such a short time? It will take time—take that time. Give yourself as much time as you want, you'll see everything will gradually get better. Besides, when you enter another relationship, there will be many more responsibilities there too. You'll see, gradually you'll be forced to forget everything even if you don't want to. Until today you've only seen these two men, which is why you think there's no one worse than Rimon in the world and no one better than Shahriar either. Actually, everyone in the world is good, but not everyone is good for everyone. Different people are good for different people. Let me tell you something—the fact that you say if Shahriar doesn't marry you, you'll say yes to that boy in America for marriage, even this proves that you're not serious about Shahriar either, or you can't completely trust him. So you tell me, is there any need to waste more of your precious time on him unnecessarily?
You don't actually love each other. Both of you were in pain in your respective places, in turmoil, which created some empty spaces between you, and to fill those empty spaces, you came to each other for some time. This isn't called love, it's called fulfilling needs. Love means being able to feel a person every moment, praying for the beloved's well-being, mental peace, that the person remains free from worry in all circumstances and situations, and standing by them like a shadow in any situation. The person I love should be able to feel from within that I love them. That's what love is. Even if love can't always give happiness, it can certainly bring peace. Happiness is a physical matter, while peace is entirely mental. After getting happiness, the demand for it may gradually decrease, but whoever has peace is always happy. After a certain time, when a person becomes satisfied with happiness, they seek peace. Someone who makes them happy but can't give them peace becomes unnecessary to that person, and eventually irritation and disgust develop. Alright, listen, it's gotten very late—I'm going home.
- How are you? What's your situation?
- Oh, don't even ask about my situation.
- Why? What happened?
- When my parents went for Hajj, they left an aunt to stay at my house at night. The first day she was in the guest room. The next day she said she was scared alone in the guest room and wanted to sleep in my bed. I was in a huge mess—I can't sleep with anyone, but what could I do? Reluctantly, I let her sleep in my bed. Five minutes after lying down, as soon as she fell into deep sleep, she started snoring loudly. I realized my sleep was pretty much over for the night! I stayed awake all night that day. I slept after she left the house in the morning. The next day I told her there was no need to come anymore, it wasn't necessary. So the day after, I asked Sweety Nanu to sleep at my house at night, because after all, my father had repeatedly told me before leaving not to sleep alone in the empty house at night. Now the next day Sweety Nanu slept in my mother's room. After a while, I hear another terrible sound! I realized my sleep tonight was also... This is how it's been going! I've been a nocturnal creature for four or five days now—what else can I do!
- Ho ho ho. You could have just called me!
- Arrrrgh... you're laughing! Look, I spent so long giving you such good advice, and now you're laughing hearing about my simple sleep disruption problem. No, there's really no point in helping people! I'm leaving, otherwise if it gets too late, ghosts might catch me on the street, you know? My body has the fragrance of jasmine flowers, so ghosts just want to embrace me! Hee hee hee!
Every day some relationships gradually become loose, as termites eat away making the inside hollow, while on the opposite side, somewhere, slowly, bit by bit, some relationships grow stronger. Life passes quite well with a broken heart, gasping and panting! Sometimes an exhausted, dejected, displaced traveler shakes off everything themselves to live in a little shelter of relief. Let it be... whatever happens, let it happen, but let life go on—who has gotten everything, where, when! In the terrible grip of hundreds of rules, when some irregularities gradually start becoming rules, when the responsibility of some bad habits makes us forget some daily habits, then why struggle so much with life? Why carry so much burden around? Let life go as it goes! Every day countless relationships become shaky, sometimes they break with a crash. When relationships begin, perhaps we're so intoxicated with building that breaking brings such attachment, such fear! All clamor gets covered by a blanket of mist. The first torrential rain of monsoon washes away all clotted blood. A new me appears on new lips. In the deep wail of night, attachment or delusion comes to rest! I ask myself in a pure voice—have I then done something wrong? I watch from afar, I cannot build anything, I don't know how to bind, I cannot even join things together like they do. I only walk silently carrying the burden of some understanding on my shoulders. Every day I keep making only mistakes and more mistakes! Yet in response I create a form of maya! I break and crush my insides and keep only shadows with me!