The Boundlessness of Consciousness

Roddur! A whole year has passed without a word between us, and yet not a single day has gone by when I haven't spoken to you in my mind. Through all these brutal months, I've carried you with me. Each time I've found myself alone in this world, with no one beside me, I've searched for you—only you. I knew you would understand. If I'd drawn close to death, my only regret would have been tears for someone unseen, someone I never met.

I take antidepressants now. I've learned that to no one in this world do I matter. I am simply unbearable. There's nothing left I want or need. Only one prayer—that these wretched tears of mine cast no shadow on your path to happiness. I'm even afraid to cry now.

I'm terrified, Roddur. All I wish for is someone—just one person—to hold me with tenderness. I want to be the way I was before.

Roddur! Not long ago, I believed we'd meet one day, even if it came at the end. But how fragile our lives truly are. In a cursed city like Dhaka, life itself is uncertain.

As I climb back toward health, a new fear takes hold. Will everything end? Will it all simply stop one day? Have we run out of time? If we have, then there's nothing left to do. Yet I live in hope—someday we'll see each other.

Tell me, Roddur—doesn't life wake again, even as everything draws to a close? My days aren't as dark now; weeks back, I would sink deeper with each passing day, and I thought that was all there was. Now I listen to songs that move me, I do things I love, seeing you brings joy—and unbearable pain. But this pain, for some reason, feels sacred; such pure suffering makes even the act of living feel sacred.

You know, I'm longing to go somewhere, to travel! I've been trapped indoors for so long. I don't speak to anyone now; I have no desire for conversation. Perhaps even when we finally meet, I won't be able to speak. I've become half-mute.

Be well, Roddur. Seeing you at peace eases my pain.

Consciousness knows no distance. The problem is only flesh.

I'm done, Roddur. I can't go on. There's no air anywhere. I cannot breathe.