Plaster from the Walls of Thought: 130

Reflection: Nine Hundred Four

………………………………………………………

One. I want to ask for a handful of sunlight from you. Or perhaps a whole morning or evening!
I want to touch your fingers and stay with you for so much more time!
I want to turn you into water and become the glass of water, wrapping myself around your entire body!
I want to hide that essence of yours and draw circles around myself with it!
I want even more to lose myself with you and find that part of me that so often remains with you!
Even after saying we won't stay in touch, I want to get lost and yet return to you again and again, to be defeated once more!
I want to love you, only you, even more deeply!

I want to open the ledger of complaints and write complaint after complaint about you, fill envelopes with these letters, and leave them on your reading table!
I want terribly to love you in thousands of ways, in hundreds of styles, in countless forms, again and again!
Yes, keep my desires in your chest pocket. Sometimes, in between work, read softly about all my unfulfilled longings that circle around you!
Two. I had gone to see a doctor. Sitting outside the chamber, I was calculating. Actually, I don't like calculating, especially about you! Because if I start calculating now, it becomes clear there's nothing here. What was there belonged to me; only you were never mine.
How can I calculate what is already mine!
Still, mustering courage, I stepped into calculation. I see there are no moments we've spent together, no bouquet of conversations. Between the two of us, there's no love, no relationship...
After coming close, I had thought perhaps we'd have some moment that I could remember for a long time, keeping alive a respect for love!
When I searched, I found we haven't spent any moments together. There's no morning, no evening. No words between us either... then what?
Thinking all this, I fell from the sky today! At this age... I have no more words left to write. Sorry!
Thank you for coming close and making me understand that I am nobody to you. And that you don't have even five minutes for me.
Thank you.
Three. Marriage doesn't really interest me; it doesn't come naturally to mind. I can't grasp how you all just marry some stranger the moment someone suggests it.
I cannot convince myself about marriage in any way. And most importantly, in our society, marriage is still a living, breathing factory of deception.

Many arranged marriages still involve deception. I've seen this with my own eyes. These are not for me.
I respect another man (who wants to marry and build a family), which is precisely why I don't want to marry him and build a family. I would be saving a stranger's life.
If a month after marrying someone I have to say, 'Husband, I cannot accept you as my husband; you're actually like a wife!' and break the marriage, would that be good? Wouldn't that be harmful to him? I'm not thinking of myself; I'm thinking of him. Then why am I criticized for the crime of not agreeing to marry?
Four. Let me tell you something irrelevant. This came to my mind about six months ago. I wanted not to tell you, but I thought, let me share it.
Through your neglect I have died a hundred times over. I have suffered so much—so much that I convinced myself: if after enduring all this neglect from you I still cannot become human, then I will never become human. Tell me, how much pain must one endure to convince oneself this way?
I have decided I will not end—I will take more neglect and then depart. Alas, how utterly a person can diminish another!
You are my home. That I can never return to my own home—this I cannot accept. What sin led you to cast me out, even this I could not learn. Thinking of these things makes me ill; the day before yesterday I took a sleeping pill. I torment myself greatly.
I will certainly leave one day. If I could write the history of how much you have neglected me, I could make people understand how terrible that neglect was. Still, I live on shamelessly.
I will live. You value every person except me alone. Only I am the one you have no desire to see. You have so many excuses! No need for excuses. Even if you offer them, I will no longer believe. No more excuses needed—I know you simply do not like me.
Remembering all this neglect from four years, I clutch my own throat. I will not die, I will live. If I do die, if I commit suicide, even if I become that cowardly, I will not blame you, but know this: for my death, along with several other reasons, you will certainly, certainly, most certainly bear equal responsibility!
You have torn down my home, you have stolen all my memories, you have burned down my place of dwelling, my place of refuge. Whatever I might cling to in order to live—that too you have taken away.
Thank you. Perhaps the world is like this. Perhaps you all are like this. Whatever you are doing, continue doing it. You are absolutely right!
Five. Dear Anu,
I haven't written to you in many days. Today I'm saying a few things. Though I have a terrible fever, I must say these words.
I am leaving, Anu. Now I must take someone else's hand. You have withdrawn yours. You did very well. You be happy holding your person's hand, I will be happy holding my new person's hand.
I thought that waiting for you, perhaps one day death would come. Just then I found a new pair of hands. Hands I can hold whenever I wish, hands that will remove their wristwatch when coming to see me. Hands that won't make excuses about us not living in the same city. I have found that person who won't dismiss our memories as "time's demand." The person I can see whenever I wish, whom I can hold while crying, and who will at least answer when I call, not cut the call like you.
That's all I had wanted! I wanted too much, didn't I? Forgive me, it won't happen again. I have found my new person. Our "time's demand" has finally ended after all!
Be well, Anu. My dear person, my heart's person, be very well.
Farewell!
Reflection: Nine Hundred and Five

………………………………………………………
One. Sujata,
You must be well, certainly.
Each time I try to forget my tears I rejoice, I sing, I write to you or write poetry. Yet somehow I cannot forget anything. Why can't I—tell me?
I never realized before what a terrible torment it is to carry memories around. Tell me, do you still suddenly return to the village to breathe in the earthy fragrance of wet soil? Do you still harbor all your weaknesses for the color brown? Can you still play the flute the way you used to?
I want to know about you. You may want to stay in hiding, that's your calculation. But I search for you desperately. You left far too soon.
So many memories of our sweet afternoons together—how can you forget all of that?
How are you these days? Does your body still fall ill frequently? Or has that been cured? Do you still call someone incessantly like a madman? Does anyone scold you for calling, like I used to? Or has even the style of scolding changed? Tell me, have you also changed with time?
Did you end everything? But I have nothing, never had anything, except you!
Two. My exams have started.

Sitting down to study, I was thinking about something.

A conversation between Mother and me:
: What are you thinking about instead of studying?

(Since I'm very honest, I just said it)

: Mother, the song 'teri tai tai fish...' is playing in my head.

: This song is an omen of what will happen in tomorrow's exam.
I stared at Mother for a while.

After some time, Mother called again.
: What, where did you drift off to again?

Ah ah ah ah...in the spring breeze, my friend...

: Stop, stop! Don't sing in that voice, child; someone will hear you! Stop a bit! It's not spring, it's marriage winds blowing around you.

: Mother, do you find marriage in everything?

: It is marriage indeed...
Unable to take any more "marriage sermons," I went to the study room to check the exam schedule.

Looking at the schedule, I saw the exam subject was Tax and Audit. I thought, if I study such a terrible subject, I won't even be in the mood to take the exam tomorrow! So instead of wasting time studying, I came back and turned on the TV.
As soon as I turned on the TV, I saw the song "Raw Peanuts" was playing.
: Yes, even if you don't learn your studies properly, learn this song well. You'll be able to survive selling peanuts.

: What!!! What did you just say!

: What else? Peanuts, peanuts, raw peanuts. Hee hee hee.

I quickly changed the channel.

Now I saw some Bengali channel was playing a song from Shabnur-Alamgir's movie "House of Four Co-wives"—'House of four co-wives, oh house of four co-wives'—

and four co-wives were dancing hand in hand.
I saw Mother laughing even louder now, ho ho ho.

: What's the problem, Mother? Why are you laughing for no reason?

: Listen, listen carefully. This song is your future, child. Those who watch TV the day before exams will also have to end up in a house of four co-wives in the future.

: Motherrrr...
Three. Dipu,
I don't want any more ties that hold me back, any more prohibitions. I will no longer let emotional lies reign over truth. I will no longer dream while sleeping—I must wake up.
I will no longer hide my tears behind laughter or my laughter behind tears. People always make this mistake. I will remain as I am, whether anyone accepts it or not. Following others' calculations, I don't want to lose my own ledger anymore. From now on, I'll keep accounts in a new diary. I won't hide this diary anymore, writing sorrows upon sorrows. I'll write only of joys, and keep that diary in plain sight of everyone in the house.
I will gather the courage to call truth truth and falsehood falsehood. Gradually all my fears are fleeing. Only this one fear I cannot overcome—that after death my name will change and become simply "corpse"!
Yours truly—

Moni
Four. We do not know who we are.

We only know what others think we are.

If we could know who we are, our own world would change.
Five. You can seriously neglect this much! And along with that, such dislike... I am truly, truly astonished.

They say no one has the strength to ignore true love! Is my love then false!
I've always thought of you as a very ordinary person like myself, which is why I could love you.

But now somehow it seems to me that you remain an ordinary person for everyone else, but for me you're a celebrity!
I truly waited for you yesterday. Yet I saw that you have so many people worthy of your time!
I have never lost to you; each time I have lost to my own love. Today I keep thinking that life's most precious thing—love—I have given to someone who couldn't even think of me as a human being, let alone a lover!
I wouldn't sit down to write to you at this dawn hour if I weren't so deeply astonished! Tears are truly falling from my eyes this morning, when each of my mornings begins with prayers for you!
Eight years! Can you imagine? How much happens in eight years? In these eight years, could I forget you even for a single day? If you too say I made a mistake, I won't accept it. This age isn't for mistakes, for mere emotion!
Then what is this! Truly, this is something that is real. To you, my writings always seem like mere words. Today please don't take this as words, but see this writing as the most real thing in someone's life.
When did you start becoming so harsh—I couldn't even tell. No, you're not harsh at all with others! But the ledger had to be opened for me alone? I who kept no ledger at all for you!
It's not that I'll die if you leave. Because every single day of these eight years you've been with me... within me, despite your hundred refusals! But even with you being so close to me, you couldn't even meet my eyes; not somewhere outside, not even in my house—this is what astonishes me. You had kept time for your person yesterday, didn't you? You love someone else—no problem—but couldn't you understand even a particle of this me?!
You always keep those beside you who keep you at peace. But you never kept me beside you so that I could keep you at peace!
Think about it once...!
Since five in the morning I've been thinking I should write. What to write, I don't know. What needs to be said, that too I don't know. In your inbox you'll surely just mark this writing as seen and leave it there.
In every day, every moment of someone's life, you are intertwined, even when you think of that person as distant!
This generation can neither love so selflessly, nor does it love at all!
Perhaps you don't need love at all! But the person who has loved you without harboring any expectations — there's no way for them to forget how to love!
You truly seem like a stranger to me now!
I didn't hold expectations from the person I loved; I only asked for some time, which they could give... if they wanted to! Yes, surely I can make this small request based on our long acquaintance... if not in the name of love, then at least for that!
Reflection: Nine Hundred and Six

………………………………………………………
One. The more people know you indeed, the fewer people help you in need.
Two. If you want to be cheated, you don't always have to trust people and lend them money; sometimes ordering food from expensive restaurants on FoodPanda works just as well. If you order some pricey foreign item whose name you don't even know, you'll find that you've spent 600 rupees and received 6 rupees worth of boiled potatoes with a pinch of minced chicken/mutton/beef sprinkled on top!
Looking at some businessmen, it seems their ancestors were renowned bandits. Since robbery looks bad, they do business instead.
Three. Many girls give nothing to the boyfriend they want to marry, while they give everything to the boyfriend they don't intend to marry. With the one she wants to marry, she maintains extreme dignity; with the one she doesn't want to marry, she keeps nothing about herself hidden.
Four. When you say, I love you,

I hear, get ready to be screwed over!
Five. Don't you like me?

Don't stress so much, boss! I don't even know you!

By the way, if you don't like me, why do you keep hovering around my wall? What do you come here to do? Sell lemon tea?
Six. You practice your devotion properly, I understand mine well enough.
(A dialogue from Humayun Ahmed's drama "Bohubrihi")
Seven. While talking about someone special, a person blurts out: I don't give them any importance at all...!
Yet while saying this, they never once consider... whether their giving or not giving importance has any value whatsoever to that special person...
Saying "I don't give them importance" about someone who doesn't even count your importance as significant... is irrelevant and simply ridiculous.
Eight. My two married female friends came to my house the other day after many years.
Conversation between mother and me:
: Look, how beautifully Rehana has gotten married! How beautifully Naziya has gotten married too! It takes luck, you understand? To live to see your daughter's husband takes luck.

: Listen, when I went to Rehana's wedding, I almost fainted when I saw her groom!

: Oh my...so handsome! Don't show me the photo, please!

: Eh, no! That fellow is so old that when he smiled, I saw he was missing two teeth from his gums. I just fled from the wedding house!

: Ha ha ha! You're something else! But Naziya...Naziya also had a beautiful wedding.

: Mother, the way Naziya has been having one love affair after another since childhood and running away to get married, how would you feel if I did the same?

: What do you mean? How many marriages has she had?

: She's currently on her second one.

: A person can have two marriages in their life!

: Yes, they can. But do you know that from the courtyard of her second husband's house, you can see her first husband's grave?

: What...!!! What are you saying!!

: Yes, I have many such friends in my life...there are so many tragedies in my life that even George Bernard Shaw didn't have in his!

: Who is this judge-barrister again? Tell me, won't you tell me, my dear?

: That's my son-in-law, he's also missing teeth. Are you happy? You can point to him and say, my daughter's husband isn't that young, sister-in-law... his teeth are still falling out!    
Nine. Staying a good person is not an easy thing.
Ten. When I walk through the world of imagination and write, I have to keep in mind how the person I'm writing for or the character I'm creating thinks, how they speak, how they behave. I have to write keeping all of that in consideration. When I write about an incident, a situation, an emotion, a feeling, I have to enter completely into it. Only after entering can I write the words from that place. But those words are not my own words. They are the words of that situation, of the person who exists in that situation.
The realm of imagination keeps people joyful, keeps them happy. Many things that people cannot obtain in reality, they can receive in imagination. These things give people a great deal, can keep people well! Therefore I don't view this negatively, but rather quite positively. The world of imagination is very beautiful, very delightful. And for the shame, the suffering, the exhaustion of a person's daily existence—to forget these or to free oneself from them, the world of imagination helps tremendously, carries people quite far forward. This is what I believe.
Not just those who write or who are creative people, but ordinary people too can take themselves into the world of imagination and obtain many things—whatever they want, whatever would make their lives even a little easier, even a little more comfortable. These things are truly possible to attain. Therefore I view this very positively. In fact, imagination is more important than everything we know, everything we have experienced, everything we have learned! The imagination that keeps me alive, that lets me do my work, that lets me properly arrange my life—such imagination is undoubtedly of great importance.
Reflection: Nine Hundred Seven

………………………………………………………
One. You are giving me the silent treatment. You won't respond to anything, just silently let all messages pile up in your inbox.
Fine, keep it that way. I won't say anything more. Do whatever makes you feel good. Don't give me time, don't meet me, don't answer, don't take my calls... why are you doing this? Please think about it once!
Is my crime so grave? Have I committed some heinous offense like murder?
You know very well that you always win with me... then why do you want to win?
My words want to fall silent and retreat when they reach your silence! You are responsible for this!
My words will speak only when you break your silence and become words yourself.
I'm leaving then... bye!
If you had given even ten percent out of a hundred, I would have returned a thousand percent in exchange! If someone even wets their toes in a river for me, I would drown up to my neck in water for them!
No need for you to speak! Keep betel leaf in your mouth and henna on your hands, it will look beautiful. Then you'll have another excuse!
This time I truly have nothing more to say to you.
I'm messaging after many hours. Seeing messages, responding to them—all of that is your business. I'll say just one thing for the last time: you didn't understand me. I wanted you to understand, even a little. Nothing came of it!
I also wanted time and something you had used. I got nothing!
Listen, there will be complaints as long as there is love! The day love ends, complaints end too. Surely you don't need to be a rocket scientist to understand this simple thing!
And listen, please meet me one last time! This is my request. No, I'm not asking you to love me, just asking you to meet me.
I don't live with such a small mind that meeting me means I'll ask you to love me.
I know very well that you want to see someone else in this very city, and you do see them. But no matter which city I go to, I spend time and years thinking only of you.
This is the difference between the two of us.
Let me come to the conclusion. If you don't want to meet, then we will never be in touch again. If you don't meet me, I'll end everything, this one-sided love will be finished.
P.S. As I started writing, I see some complaints have crept in. I laughed seeing this! Where love is in a dying state, you can still see smoke from the fire! Don't take them as complaints.
I won't have to say repeatedly that you don't love me! I know this very well. And most importantly, knowing this, I had loved you!
In exchange for each of my words, you hurled silence. Will you ever hurl words in response to my silence?
Two. Nothing feels good. Please become the reason for my heart to feel better!
I don't know why writing so many things to you is causing me terrible pain today. I know that I have no one else to talk to except you, and I also know that you have no time for me. Still, I don't know why... I don't feel like saying anything to anyone except you.
I also know that we won't be in touch for life. Still, I desperately want to deposit the most precious things with you for a lifetime. I'm writing and weeping uncontrollably.
I harbor no expectations from you. I swear by Allah, I do not seek your company hoping for financial or any other kind of help or support, and I love you even knowing that you cannot bear to see me.
I truly don't know what I'm writing to you! Today I'm not writing of love either. I am discussing matters concerning you and me as individuals, our long acquaintance, and the relationship we share.
I feel like sitting somewhere outside with you and speaking of things that are deeply personal.
I really don't know why I write so much to you.
Even though you've left me far behind and moved on, I never have the courage to overtake you by avoiding you.
Though I may have complaints against you, I never truly accept in my heart that you are bad! Don't take some complaints as irritating. Understand that they are not complaints, but rather a small hope toward the person I love, which rises in our hearts without our knowing.
Rather than giving me time amidst the crowd, give that time to someone who considers you alone the closest and dearest person in their life. Never tell someone who waits for you on the path that the streets are too crowded!
Beloved, is it possible to live without you?

Is there any way to make you understand what I'm saying?
Three. You once said that life doesn't run on logic! If that's the case, then I say, you too create certain rules for yourself or keep them in mind and follow them. Can rules really be followed at all times? Don't irregularities ever occur?
Or do you follow rules and principles properly only in my case?
It's not that I pressure you to do what you don't want to do.
Do you know why I speak of meeting? My whereabouts are uncertain. With you, it's even possible that we may never meet again in this lifetime!
Yes, you can call this pressure, but it's not like asking for the moon in the sky!
You could do it if you wanted. It's not that you'd have to love me for this.
You hate me, I understand that. But as far as I know, I have never caused you any harm. Then why do you show me boundaries?
I'm in terrible haste. I don't know when I'll go to Dhaka again, and once I go, I won't return for months. That's why I keep telling you again and again... please meet, please meet.
Even now I'll say... I want so very much to see you once more.
Thought: Nine Hundred and Eight

………………………………………………………
One. I'm writing to you after many days; after reading your post.
I never had any regrets... thinking that you could never love me or never will!
I only asked for time. Fine, I won't ask for that anymore either.
I won't bother you, won't waste your time. So I've simply assumed you're doing well. Of course, you have many people to take care of you, even in this city. Let them be there.
Today I won't speak of complaints, demands, or any old matters. Today let me say something new. You always ask everyone, what do you need? Today I'm the one asking, what do you need? If it's within my means, I'll certainly give it. I never step beyond my capabilities.
I have no habit of asking from people or holding out my hands. I only ever asked you for a little time. I said that without giving time, there could be no connection. Yes, truly there will be no connection now, not like before. You will remain in your own way, and I too will remain in mine.
Since there was nothing between us, how I stayed for so long—only Allah knows this, no one else.
Perhaps when writing letters, some people end up writing about moments spent with someone, mornings, evenings, or some moments on the phone; yet between us there was nothing, only one thing, which was love.
This love too was one-sided, from my end, which is perhaps why this staying on for so long was mine. I had told you, the day all complaints end, you'll understand that love no longer remains.
Today there are no more complaints; yes, there is no love either. Now I live in great peace and keep you in peace too, exactly the peace you had wanted.
Love is not something to be obtained by force, but yes, time—even if we don't love someone, we can still give that. And I do give it. There is no busyness when it comes to beloved people, like for instance, I have kept aside time for you alone for these eight years.
Well, whatever, let it go. You know what often happens—while caring for a guest bird, we end up pushing away our own pet bird! No matter!
Actually I have nothing to say. What else to say or write, that too I don't know!
Two. Any relationship needs space. This space doesn't mean pushing that person away or forgetting them. I desperately want to check on you in the morning, evening and night, to call you, and how much I want to see you—no one knows this better than you.
I chain my desires. One must give a person minimum space, keeping in mind that they too have their own world.
If you place the furniture in your room without giving space, all jumbled together haphazardly, does it look beautiful? Or doesn't it obstruct your movement?
When you write a letter, do you write the words all bunched up together...haphazardly? Or do you write giving minimum gap between each pair of words? You surely write with gaps or spaces.
Just as words, furniture or any objects look beautiful when there is space and this space is necessary, exactly so for people too some distance is needed, or one must maintain relationships by giving them some space.
You might often think I love you less. Whether this is right or wrong, I won't say anything about that. I want my love to be a cause of your peace rather than a thorn in your throat, to be a cause of your joy, a cause of the smile on your face; at day's end when you go to sleep at night, may it feel like my love is that pillow under your head, where you often rest and sleep peacefully—may my love at day's end be one of the main reasons for your peaceful sleep.
Keep flying in the sky. I'm not even saying the sky should be mine. Rather I wish that you keep flying peacefully in the sky.
I don't want to love you by simply going with the flow; I want to love you in my own way, understanding you deeply, thinking of all good things for you. You might say everyone loves this way. Yes, they do, but everyone thinks of their own side first. I think of yours first, then my own.
I don't want to read you too much; I want to love you intensely without reading some chapters at all.
Since loving you, everything in the world seems beautiful to me—there's nothing I find ugly anymore.
Before saying I love you, what stays in my mind is how well I can keep you.
Beloved, if possible, try to understand not me, but my love bit by bit—never mind if you don't understand me!
Three. Those who drag and pull me to take me to heaven with them—I look at them and think, staying in hell would be more peaceful than being in heaven with such birds! Seeing how you pull and tug to make me walk your path, I often think walking that path simply means becoming an agent for a multilevel marketing company selling passage to heaven! The next moment I run away from you! I'm reminded of Destiny Company...the poor souls tried so hard to make the masses of Bangladesh wealthy that they themselves remain kings of the street to this day.
Four. In your friends and followers list...only twenty percent are your haters.
But among the remaining eighty percent, only two percent will speak in your favor—and that only if you're very fortunate. And among those twenty percent, eight percent will constantly be after you.
Useless people are always united and vocal.

Useful people are always selfish and silent.
Reflection: Nine Hundred Nine

………………………………………………………
One. Truth is beautiful, but the beautiful may not always be true. You sometimes say my love keeps you restless. Then it's my love that's questioned, not me!
Love is beautiful like truth. The beauty you speak of exists in love. But if you observe closely, you'll see that in true love, complaints, hurt feelings, anger—these things cling as tightly as love itself. Do you know why?
Because love here is intense. Again, in love where there's no anger, no complaints, no hurt feelings—assume that whoever is loving is strategically managing their love.
A person will never show anger with you, never feel hurt, never complain—that just doesn't happen! This only happens when they're observing everything about you and staying with you strategically, but not loving from the heart.
In my heart I keep more love for you than complaints. Shall I open my heart and show you? You're probably laughing reading this. But this is true.
Whatever I say with my mouth, I say it from anger, but in my heart I nurture love.
I can't tolerate anyone beside you. If you see this as a problem, so be it! What can I do, tell me? Even accepting that you don't love me well, I still love you. But why won't you understand that in intense love, one cannot tolerate anyone beside their beloved!
Time has passed unnoticed, and now perhaps we two have learned to tolerate each other.
Do you know who stays beside someone by tolerating them this way? Those for whom love for their beloved matters more than their beloved's faults.
Two. On the night of Shab-e-Barat, I'm thinking about what I should ask the Creator for you. I've thought it through: may all good things be yours, may He accept all the noble hopes in your heart, may He keep you in this world with good health, may your path be beautiful and smooth.
May everything beautiful and good come your way. Your pain, hidden or revealed; your wrongs, if any have been done, may He grant you freedom from them.
Really, if I were to start asking for you, the list would grow much longer.
I'm relentless in this matter. My prayer tonight is that you may be well beyond even my wishing. May all good things happen to you or come your way.
Do you know why I disappear sometimes? It's because you carelessly leave me in your inbox. The truth is, you haven't placed me anywhere at all.
I'm someone who finds happiness in very little—this is what you never understood!
On this sacred night, I'm not asking for you in my life, not even by mistake. Rather, I'll pray that you stay with the one whose words bring you joy, whose presence you find pleasing.
Don't think that because I keep my distance, I loved you any less. I swear by the Creator, the way I love you by letting you remain as you are—no one else could do this. Even if they died, no one else could. I am surely an exception, and it's because I love you that I let you be yourself.
They say worship and love are both better kept secret. I said nothing all this time. When I finally began to speak, you said my love was just for attention!
Even now, sitting on my prayer mat, I didn't forget to pray for you.
Tell me, even if I had never said anything, would you still have understood my love... truly?
Three. Whatever I feel,

is it all true, or merely delusion—

from my side,

without bringing all this to mind,

I'm saying that most likely, I love you very much

and I don't want to place this feeling of the heart

within any question mark.
You might well think

I have no heart to speak of.

I know that I do; I also know

that everything happening within this heart,

all of it together,

could make the plot of a wonderful story.
Four. After a certain time, I won't knock on your inbox ever again. From all those words I've spent complaining and asking for time, becoming guilty before you—from all of that, we'll both find release someday.
You have no time, yet even from within that lack of time, I've kept time for you before everyone else. There are no memories between us two, so perhaps it won't be too painful to bring this to an end!
Why even speak of ending it! If such a question comes to your mind, then I must say: with only what was mine, I've come this far entirely one-sidedly.
I'm human after all! Sometimes I might well grow breathless in this solitary journey. Sometimes I might willingly shut down all this one-sided everything.
I don't think about all this. Thinking makes living difficult. Though not every day is the same, most of the time I'm someone who finds joy and lives.
Whatever happens tomorrow, we'll see. Whatever comes ahead can be faced, only you and I will never be together.
There will be no memories! Even when my heart grew heavy and I sat quietly, was it ever said: come sit beside me for a while? Even wanting to see you, I repeatedly became bad in your eyes, yet I only wanted to see you!
When you grow up, you have to accept many things? Is that what you'll say? Well then, when you grow up, why does love remain for someone who neither wants nor understands my love? Give me the answer!
Thinking so much about you these days, I'm afraid to even enter the realm of thought!

I loved only you...now I know nothing more than this.
Five. In my world, I have no one I can truly call my own—knowing this, one can still live. But when you realize that in my world, all the people around me are busy pursuing their own opportunities and interests, that everyone wears a mask behind which they hide—knowing all this makes one lose the will to live. All of life's goals become blurred. In such a state, there remains no purpose for living. Why should I live, how should I spend the time I have while living—when even these reasons are lost, life becomes very cheap in one's own eyes.
Thought: Nine Hundred and Ten

………………………………………………………
One. Men: First peace, then love.

Women: First love, then also love.

Men: Then what about peace...?

Women: Loving you so much, I don't even have time to think about that!

Men: What...! But I want peace!

Women: I only want you! If I have to give unrest for that, I'll give it; if I have to take unrest, I'll take it!

Men: Oh no...what beautiful days I used to have before...
Two. Me: Do you want to love? Or do you want to receive love?

She: I want to love.

Me: Will you let me live peacefully with Peace?

She: Who is this Peace? When did this girl come into your life? Go, live with her then! Shame! Your character is so bad!
Three. A question might suddenly arise in your mind—do I want love from you, or do I want to love you! The question isn't complex, but it's a very important one!
Let me give you the answer. Listen, I never wanted you to love me or to receive love from you. I wanted to be able to keep loving you for a long time.
Have you ever seen recharge cards at Flexiload shops? Those cards have bonuses and after a certain time, that bonus can no longer be used. The condition states that the bonus can only be used once.
If you say love is merely an extra bonus, then in response I'll say, yes, just like recharge cards can only be used once, similarly one can only love one person well, not everyone.
Love isn't for everyone,

Everyone gets a timepass.
The deeper the love,

The more difficult that love.
Even if there's distance in love,

Still only one person reigns in the heart.
When there are a thousand excuses to leave,

Even staying close brings countless dilemmas.
Life is mechanical, but not broken, certainly.

One can live without you, that's true,

But loving someone the way I loved you is completely uncertain.
Four. I'll write about you, but what to write about—even this requires thought these days. For instance, say you've called someone who likes you, called them yourself. Now after receiving your call, they're incredibly happy! In that happiness, they could even write poetry!
You've met with someone like that, met them on your own initiative; now they could write many stories about this meeting. Your glances, your way of speaking, and so much more!
Imagine you go traveling with someone to a beautiful place. What that person could do then... they could write lovely words or letters about all those experiences to lift your spirits.
The one to whom you entrust all your daily thoughts and feelings—they too could write extensively about you. You might be delighted, thinking, "Oh, how well this girl knows me!" Yet it was you who gave her every opportunity to know everything about you. How else could she have known you?
None of this has happened to me! What a pity!
What happened to me was entirely one-sided. My writing too is therefore grounded in reality and centered entirely around you!
We have no memories, no moments spent together, no mornings or evenings.
After all these years I asked for a little time, but even that your miserly heart refuses to give!
Well then, the peace you seek from me, or the peace you speak of giving me—how can you expect sweet fruit like peace from a tree you've never once watered?!
I leave you with this question.
Five. Beloved, that time when you came to my house, standing at the mouth of the lane, you said that when you came again next time, you'd bring along that gift for me. Do you remember? That thing... something you had used!
You said you'd bring it with you next time. I listened to your words with my head bowed. I was thinking to myself then—here's someone dear to me, just getting time from them is already a great gift, and then something they've used... this would be enormous! Even if you gave me diamond or platinum jewelry, I wouldn't be as happy; rather, if you gave me your time, that would be the most precious gift for me.
Beloved, when you're in front of me, I have to keep my head bowed or speak with my eyes cast down. Have you noticed this? No, I don't think so.
When you're beside me, it feels to me then that I should just stay quiet and listen to you. When you look me in the eyes, then I feel like saying... please, hold me captive with your eyes, not with words!
When you're beside me, then I feel like telling time... Time, move more slowly, my love has come to me.
Beloved, you yourself taught me how to live without you. You taught me to endure the wounds you gave and still love you madly, and you thoroughly trained me in how to digest all your anger.
Beloved, after all this, will you still say I mean nothing to you?
Even if I mean nothing to you, you are the dearest person in this world to me.
When you're beside me, I feel the world is still very beautiful. Won't you stay and be mine? No one will know except you and me!
I have another request to you... if your lordship is pleased to grant it... Beloved, if you can, give me a little time!
Deep night is the time when prayers are accepted. In my prayers, I'm not asking for you selfishly. Loving you selflessly, I'm asking for all good things for you, and from you I'm asking for a little time.
Tell me, how does it feel when you don't even look at a text after waiting for many hours! When you don't show yourself after waiting for many years!
My love, may I tell you something? I'm not speaking of any affair! I love you. Since 2014, when you were alone, I mean unmarried. Now tell me, once you've loved someone, how do you simply stop? Is there some rule? I don't know of any.
What I do know is that I've carried on maintaining just that much distance and propriety.
You don't even have a moment for me! And I won't ask for time either. Won't even ask why you don't read my messages!
I've been saying this for so long...now I feel so strange about myself. Yet loving this very you, I knew how to keep myself well.
You're so stone-hearted when it comes to me! I won't come to complain anymore. I need nothing, will take nothing from you.
Without spending a single word, without making a single phone call, how strangely you managed to create love in my heart...and that too for you!
Tell me, can there ever be a more selfless love than this?
They say out of sight, out of mind! Is that really true?

Not in my case! Even when you're not before my eyes, you remain firmly embedded in my mind, as if you've driven stakes into my heart and settled there.
I don't bind you with my eyes, but I keep you in my heart.
Why are you like this! No, I mean not bad, but somehow! It feels like all your stubbornness is reserved just for me!
Fine, stubbornness, anger, scolding, reproach—I'll accept it all with bowed head. But first let me rest my head on your chest! So much weeping has gathered there! Do you have any idea?
Oh my, why should there be shame in resting my head on your chest? You are my love. Here is the most beautiful thing of all...I mean, there is love.
Listen here, sir! End this silence, I want to be bound by words now.
Those who keep coming back, they say,

One day they truly cannot return.
That terrible thirst to see the one you love,

Even after speaking it aloud, they don't understand

That there should be no more effort to stay connected with them!
Silence increases distance,

And any person can...

easily be lost!