Memory

I never wanted to have him! Had I gotten him, would I have received even a fraction of what I've gained now by not having him? Does one who gets someone truly possess them at all? How much does one really get? Then what does this 'getting' even mean? When people say, 'I never got him in this life!', I feel like asking—is getting or not getting merely a matter of presence? If not, then why do people say 'I didn't get him' in such a way? Should we assume, then, that they never receive the heart of the one they love? That they don't even truly give their own heart? If the heart was never received, if the heart was never given, then where did the love come from in the first place? Where there is no love at all, how can there be a breakup?

We broke up a couple of months ago. I still love him, but we don't talk anymore. You know how the mental state becomes after a breakup. Mine isn't any different, but I'm not completely blue with unbearable pain like others. I haven't suffered at all, not even a little! The kind of unbearable anguish they speak of—I'm not experiencing anything like that.

Why, you ask? It has always seemed to me that he exists within me! He hasn't gone anywhere! As much as I used to hold this person within myself before, I do so now, and will continue to do so. Then where is the difference? I never went looking for him outside myself! Whenever I want to find him, I've always found him within myself. How can someone who was never outside me be lost from me? No, he hasn't disappeared. He is here, he will remain. How can he escape if I don't want him to?

When I fell in love with him, from the very beginning I believed that love doesn't depend on getting or not getting. I love the one I love whether I have them or not. Love is a mental state, not a condition! Where external matters interfere with the heart's equation, can there really be anything called love?

I used to talk to myself before; after falling in love, I talk to him too. That's all! Just as I didn't need to care about anything external when talking to myself, similarly I can talk to him anytime, in any situation. He's here, right here in my chest! He hasn't left me, and I won't let him! How can he leave? Only if I allow it!

Though yes, I could never imagine that we would break up someday. Perhaps no one can imagine it before it happens. I did sometimes doubt that he might not stay with me forever. My wish was that our love wouldn't depend on having or not having each other.

I wanted to love him far more than I wanted to have him. That much I achieved! I am clear with myself that the one I loved before, I love today, and will love until death. In love, I keep the feeling, not the person. If I can keep the person there too, that's good; but even if I can't, the love will remain intact. Here lies my freedom from pain!

Let me tell you the reason for our breakup. We both love each other far too much. He did this for my own good. And because I love him so much, he broke up with me so that I wouldn't love him so intensely. The man is truly quite foolish!

This was the nature of our love. I am absolutely certain that he loves me far more than I love him. This isn't blind faith at all! I say this with understanding—in no way is this blind faith. I am completely sure about his love. To explain in some detail: he was married. We used to talk casually. He was known to us, a relative, so we would talk naturally. He was considerably older than me. Our love happened between mind and mind, not age and age.

Our relationship began like this: he used to behave with me like with a child—the way people talk and interact with children, that's exactly how he would talk and mingle with me. Continuing this way, a very good friendship developed between us. The kind of friendship that forms between an older person and a younger one! When the age difference is significant, the friendship becomes somewhat affectionate, completely childlike! That's what happened with us.

And continuing like this, suddenly something happened! We didn't even realize when love blossomed between us! We had such a beautiful beginning. We used to meet quite often; as a relative, he had free access to our home. You could say we met all the time. Neither of us had any idea that things would go this far!

Even if it wasn't in our minds, what was meant to happen did happen! The phases after it began were even more beautiful than the beginning. He had no expectations from me, nor did I have any from him. Our love was completely free of expectations. Without asking, we had received quite a lot!

If anyone seeks the definition of sufficiently pure, sacred love, they would have to look at our love. To this day, I don't recall anything in my mind that contained even a trace of wanting or getting! It wasn't in me either. We both loved each other. What an extraordinarily beautiful thing this was cannot be explained in writing. Life seemed so beautiful then!

We could never have imagined that the slow-paced beginning of that love would go so deep. That he appeals to me, that I appeal to him—this much is fine. He was thinking: I'm married! I was thinking: I'm just a teenager! So many things will come and go in life—what's the point of worrying about all that! We both left time completely in time's own hands.

We felt that perhaps this fondness had an end. It's continuing, let it continue! What will happen! But day by day we were realizing that things were reaching an extreme level. Still we didn't stop, didn't stop ourselves. Then what happens... it continued, and kept continuing... if you let love continue, does it ever stop on its own?

I had clearly told him, though: Don't worry! I will never become the destroyer of your home. I want to see our love selflessly, want to keep it that way till the end. I will never expect from you that you'll have to marry me if you stay with me. Don't you expect that either.

There was clean friendship in our relationship, intimate love. We weren't like other couples who have physical relations, frequent meetings, hand-holding walks, quarrels and disputes. Truly, we had none of these things.

We both had love, had affection. He would call me Radha, I would call him Krishna. I don't know what true love really is. I only felt love, never searched for its truth or falsehood. He thought the same way.

My person was much older than me. As much as I understood life, he surely understood it much better. So I always accepted all his words literally. This is how it continued... kept continuing... we were letting it continue.

One day he suddenly realized that I had made the biggest decision of my life!

I had never wanted to marry, everyone who knew me was aware of this. I had informed my family of this decision too. It's not that I made this decision after falling in love with him, thinking I wouldn't get him in life—I had decided long before to never marry in my lifetime. Though yes, after the love happened, the decision became stronger day by day.

I've always preferred to stay busy with studies. My dream is that whether or not I can become something great through education, I will definitely do something for people! My life's first priority is studies! I very much want to become a doctor, to serve people. I will stand by helpless people my entire life. I truly love helping people. I feel great joy when I can stand by people.

I didn't come to this world to enter domestic life and live a conventional life like everyone else. No matter how good a person might be, I truly cannot spend my entire life according to their and their family's wishes. I'm simply not that type of person! I will always be among everyone. I will share joys and sorrows with all. I've always wanted my happiness never to be centered on one person. Yes, these things happen even while living in a family. Many people do these things even while having families. But my mentality was a bit different. I had resolved that whatever else happens, I wouldn't do anything while living in domestic life.

When he understood all these ideas and beliefs of mine, when he gradually came to know these things about me clearly, he felt that I was perhaps shaping my life this way because of him. That I had decided to sacrifice all the happiness in my life for his sake. Then he started blaming himself.

He tried to make me understand in various ways. 'I'm living in a family, I'm quite happy. I love my wife and children enough. Why would you choose such a difficult life for my sake?' And thousands of other such words!

I knew very well that my place in his life and his wife's place were never the same. He never loved me by putting me in his wife's place. Such comparisons don't even arise here! Yes, love had happened between us. What could be done about that? I was his Radha, he was my Krishna. Each of us had our respective places in our own ways.

I never wanted to see myself in his wife’s place. Never sought recognition from him. I only wanted to keep loving him. Nothing more than that. Therein lay my heaven! There was something different between the two of us. I was conscious of my place and his, and so was he. Where I didn’t place him, he didn’t place me either. There was deep love between us; we bound ourselves to each other not through obligation, but purely through love.

Love didn’t just exist between us—it certainly exists today, and will remain for a lifetime.

What he’s doing now is ignoring me terribly. He scolded me harshly when I used to call him regularly. He’s blocked all the numbers from my house. If I call from some other number and manage to say a quick hello, he immediately recognizes my voice and knows I’m the one calling. And instantly, that number gets added to his phone’s block list.

The only reason for all this is so that I’ll grow to dislike him and move away from him. He thinks, I won’t get anything here anyway. He can’t give me anything. Better that I no longer remain here. He wants what’s good for me!

I know this isn’t possible for me to do. No matter what he tries to make me believe, how can I believe such things! I know he loves me, I love him! After all this time, how can I remove this love from within myself?

I used to think I was childish. Today I understand, he’s even more childish than me!

There’s no means of communication between us. Not a single path through which I can reach out to him. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to speak with him again in life. Perhaps we’ll meet. Yes, we certainly will! We’ll meet many times. But face to face, neither of us will be able to say anything to the other. Our insides will burn terribly, yet we two won’t exchange words. It’s not as if we can meet somewhere far away either! Never!

I don’t know if we’ll ever speak again. The problem now is that I want to accept this simple truth—that what is, simply is! I know I won’t get him back. Everything in my life won’t return to normal. I want whatever he wants to happen. He came into my life of his own accord, left of his own accord again. It’s okay! I am happy!

He taught me to love, taught me to think beautifully about life. How can I deny this truth?

I’m truly fine with everything that has happened to me. But the memories? The memories I share with him torment me every single moment! How do I emerge from this storm of memory? How does one manage memory? Why do memories pursue me so relentlessly? Why doesn’t a person take all their memories with them when they leave? I am in great anguish!

The love was selfless; neither of us had any expectations. Fine, I accept everything. Then why is the blow of memory hitting so hard here? I loved him, he’s not with me now, how good we were together… all these memories don’t make me cry at all!

The problem isn’t that he’s not with me. The problem is that he has remained with me! I keep thinking, we used to talk every afternoon; my afternoons now don’t pass talking with him. Fine, they don’t. That they don’t pass isn’t a problem. But I’m suffering because I constantly think: why don’t they pass? Why can’t I talk with him anymore? Why do my afternoons feel so lonely today?

Meaning, now I want him to return! Now I want to receive something from him. I want our beautiful days to come back! Why do I want this? Was I supposed to want this? When did I learn this love of expectations? Am I changing then?

I want no memory to cause me pain. Nothing at all to cause me pain. He’s still with me, hasn’t been able to move far away! Of course he’s with me. He remains with me every moment! Then why should I suffer?

I suffer thinking that memories of the two of us are scattered in every corner of my life. In every nook and cranny of my room, my memories with him are at play. We spoke this way, we spoke that way. His memories are entangled with every topic of my life. From food to cooking… memories of him with everything. His personal life, my personal life, both our personal lives, all our likes and dislikes known to each other down to the smallest details.

I want to emerge from these memories. I want these memories to stop causing me pain. What was, was; what is, is. Now only he remains with me. I want there to be no pain in my life regarding his presence or absence. He’s not here, no pain. His memories remain, that’s the only pain! He became my ex, no sorrow. His memories still couldn’t become ex, that’s the only sorrow! Memories are so destructive!

Lately, quite a few questions crowd my mind. Why isn’t he in my life this way? Why was he that way? Why can’t we do this now? Why could we do that then? Question after question like this, endlessly! I truly want to emerge from this pain. I don’t want to suffer; I only want to love him in my own way. I want to not need him in order to love him! That this should happen with him, that that should happen… I want no such hopes to remain in my life anymore. Today I want to live!