Let Minu not learn to walk at all!

I know a man who turned back from suicide thinking of his pet cat. I asked him, "What made you return? Your parents, siblings—no one could bring you back, but a cat isn't even human. Yet you returned? People turn back for a cat...even from the path to freedom?"

Drawing on his half-smoked cigarette, he began to speak..."Look, the day I realized that no one in this world would have any trouble living without me, from that day I felt free; I thought this was the golden opportunity to die. What need is there for someone to exist when their presence or absence makes no difference to anyone!"

I talked to everyone, said my silent goodbyes, and went up to the roof. Just as I was about to jump, I suddenly remembered—oh wait...my cat won't eat anything without me. The half-paralyzed cat doesn't even have the ability to pee or poop. If I'm not there, who will feed her, who will clothe her, who will bathe her, help her relieve herself...? How would the poor thing survive if I left?

The next moment I thought, everyone will read the suicide note and know the reason for my death, but the cat will meow and search for me, and keep searching; when she's hungry, no one will feed her, when she needs to relieve herself, no one will clean her. I realized that an innocent life depends on my existence—even if it makes no difference to anyone else, my being here or not makes all the difference to this cat. My death would cause this poor creature's death too. How could I kill the being I love! When you love someone, how can you kill them!

No, I didn't jump that day, thinking all this. Now I understand how effortlessly this paralyzed cat saved my life! Ah, each life, each pull that holds us back!

Just recently Minu had babies; after she gave birth, I've been coming home from the office earlier than usual. When I sit, some of the kittens climb on my shoulders, some in my lap, others curl up near my feet. Now I don't think about suicide anymore. I'm so busy with them that I don't even have time to think. Those whose mother once saved me, today they keep me alive.

Minu has recovered quite well now. Lately, I actually want to live for many more years. Watching Minu run on all fours fills me with such longing—someday Minu will learn to eat, drink, and relieve herself without me. This longing makes me want to live several more years.

No, forget it! Let Minu not learn to walk, let her not learn to live without me! If she learns to live without me...just as I turned back from jumping off the roof that day, if she learns to be independent, perhaps I won't have such a pull holding me back anymore. When I go up to the roof to die, perhaps I won't return again.

I can return...but why would I? For whom? To whom? Who waits for me to come back? Someone whom no one calls back—do they ever return, even by mistake!

Yes yes, let Minu remain paralyzed, let her never learn to walk! If Minu learns to walk, I'll forget how to walk myself! To keep the will to live alive, I need someone like this—someone who would suffer if I weren't here, someone I desperately want to keep alive!