When you are mentally shattered, then... everything in the world will seem tedious to you, in that moment even the most delicious food on earth will taste like poison, standing in one of the world's most beautiful places, everything will feel insignificant, listening to your favorite song, you'll think, what a dreadful tune this is, you'll want to avoid the people closest to you, even the most orderly room will seem filthy and chaotic, your favorite clothes won't tempt you to wear them, you'll feel like rubbish, everyone else will feel like rubbish, then you won't want to go anywhere, won't want to talk to anyone, won't want to eat anything. In such moments, you'll want to withdraw from everything in the world and hide away utterly alone, to escape the crushing mental anguish, to forget it all—day after day you'll only want to sleep. Then you won't want to explain yourself to anyone, won't want to tell anyone about your mental state, and after a time you won't need anyone's pity, any explanations, anything at all—you'll simply want to live a little with yourself, by yourself, struggling desperately in the fight to survive, trying with all your might to make peace with yourself. Many of us don't know that a person keeps fighting with all their might to preserve themselves right up to the threshold of losing themselves, of surrendering to their own defeat. As difficult as it is to watch oneself sink, it is far, far more difficult to learn to accept yourself along with your failures, to keep yourself alive alongside your failures, and to live this way, day after day. We think very little about mental peace, because in life's busyness, in the crush of work, there's no time for it—but for the person who can no longer find mental peace anywhere, it becomes terribly, terribly hard to look after others. We can only think of family and society when we ourselves are in mental peace; then responsibility works. But the one who cannot give themselves that mental peace—they cause terrible suffering to everyone around them, irritate them. They understand this, which is why they withdraw, not wanting to be a burden to others—yet often they lose control and make others share in their agony. So sometimes, to keep yourself alive, you must withdraw from the business of pleasing others. In trying to give yourself some mental peace, people often displease many. But there is no other way. If I don't secure my own peace myself, no one will come on my behalf and bring that peace to me—no one but myself will actually make that compromise for me. So, struggling hard, becoming an object of others' contempt, becoming a thorn in others' eyes, I must myself arrange for that mental peace to keep myself alive. Let others think whatever they wish of me for it—it matters not at all. In the end, if I speak little, I'm arrogant. And if I lack the mental stability to speak, I'm arrogant to others all the same.
When I show stubbornness, I become rude and obstinate in their eyes—but it never occurs to anyone that perhaps I am trudging through some form of psychological devastation; when I find myself unable to master my own mental state for reasons I cannot fathom, no one thinks to wonder why; perhaps I am fighting every moment simply to keep myself alive, yet this thought will never cross anyone’s mind.
This world was never truly as unfair as it is now. It is we who have become perpetually judgmental, crude, and unjust toward others. I believe that sometimes, even if it means standing against the entire world, one must reclaim one’s own peace of mind—one must seize it for oneself. But people are so quick to judge: even as they lower a corpse into the grave, they mutter: that man snored terribly yesterday; his noise cost me my sleep!