I hate you.

It's been a long time now since we've walked down separate paths. I know you're doing well in your own way. I still haven't learned how to be well in mine. Anyway, I had things to say when we parted—I didn't get the chance then, so I'm saying them now. Maybe you'll never read any of this, but I'm writing it nonetheless. If by some chance this letter finds its way to you, then that would be good. Even this faint hope remains alive in my heart.

I need to thank you for several things. The first few months of our relationship passed like a dream. You taught me and showed me what love is, what it should be. For that I am forever grateful to you. What you gave me—I doubt any other man could have given me that. One day the enchantment ended, and then began my turn to learn new lessons from you. Irritation, neglect, distrust, anger, constant infidelity—none of these can be characteristics of a healthy relationship. You taught me how much a person can change. Thank you for that. I am certain now that if anyone did even ten percent of what you did to me, I wouldn't be able to tolerate that person for even a minute.

Just a year ago I thought I was the most fortunate girl among all who live. You were my first love, the man of my dreams from school days, and everything I wanted in a man was in you. And that same you pulled the ground out from under my feet! I had become so absorbed in your love that I built every plan of my life around you. Today I understand—these vows people make in the grip of emotion, that they'll stay together forever, never let go of each other's hands and so on—all of this is nothing but fairy tales. A lifetime is a very big thing; it's impossible for anyone to decide to stay with someone even for a few months, and there we were, making vows! Mother often told me that a person can be good for six months. If luck is good, there might even be someone in my life who remains a wonderful person for a whole year. I made the relationship decision very quickly because I felt I had found my true love—and where are you today!

Are you well? You must be. It's been months, I should forget, but the tears just won't stop! What should I do, tell me! I've never lost anything greater than this! Who else but one who has suffered it can understand what it means to lose first love from life? Being without you is not easy for me. You won't understand this, because I don't recall you ever finding it difficult to be without me. Still, why did I let you go?

Month after month of your neglect, fights every time you answered the phone, sleepless nights passed in tears. What else could I have done? As painful as the decision to be without you was, staying without you is a thousand times more painful. I long to hear your voice, to sit holding your hand, to cook for you; if nothing else, even just looking at you brought such peace. You won't understand this feeling. The person I shared all my thoughts with is no longer beside me. I had to tell you even my completely trivial thoughts—whether you enjoyed listening to my chatter or not, the fact that you listened to me, let me speak, didn't show your irritation even if you felt it—all of this was precious. You used to scold me a great deal once upon a time. I would get angry, but I also liked it. Today no one scolds me. I listened to all your words too. I couldn't bear to see you stay upset, so I tried very hard to make your heart feel better.

Do you remember those golden days? Sitting on our favorite brown bench in Nalanda Garden, we would laugh and joke about the smallest things, get into arguments about completely trivial incidents, make up absurd stories, visit other friends' houses, chat, create uproar, sing, feast, or nothing at all—our two-person moments would pass in wonderful silence! These small joys could easily sustain several lifetimes. Our friendship was something only we could grasp the nature of. Love and friendship—we never had time to think about the wall between these two. As much as we were lovers, we were even more friends. I still have all the gifts you gave me, and they will always stay with me. I wanted to live with you; instead I'm living with all your memories. Is life like this? I was beside you during your most painful times; in return you gave me some painful times as gifts. My family, my friends, my relatives—none of them are beside me today, only because of you. They warned me about you, I couldn't bear it, so I severed all bonds with them. You tell me, where do I go now?

I want to hit you, punch you in the nose; I want to strike you with all my strength and finish you completely; but I won't do any of this. Not because such treatment isn't what you deserve, but because I don't have the stomach to punish you! You don't even have the right to ask me for forgiveness. The same me who once became restless seeing the shadow of pain in your eyes now wants you to truly feel my pain too. I no longer recognize myself. This bad-tempered, terrible, irritable girl—is this me? I have no more ambitions, no more dreams about life. The person who knew no meaning of hatred can now write a research paper on hatred. You alone are responsible for all of this.

I hate you because you broke my trust.
I hate you because you raped me day after day.
I hate you because you destroyed me.
I hate you because you played with my feelings day after day.
I hate you because only because of you I have to spend sleepless nights.
I hate you because anxiety won't leave me alone because of you.
I hate you because when I should have been preparing myself for the future, I was busy shaping myself to be like you.
I hate you because all the dreams you showed me were lies.
I hate you because though you're a wonderful person in the eyes of the whole world, I alone know how vile you are.
I hate you because you wear many kinds of masks.
I want to scream and say, I hate you because you're quite well, and only because of you I'm not well.
I hate you because you have cruelly destroyed all my sense, conscience, and thoughts.
I hate you because seeing you well, I can't be well, and you alone are responsible for all my helplessness.
I hate you because it's because of you that I learned to hate you.
I hate you because since I hate you, I hate myself.
I hate you because thinking about what I was, what I've become, what I will become—my mind no longer works.
I hate you because when you need me most, I can't be beside you; when I need you most, you no longer come to me.
I hate you because you destroyed our beautiful world, our love, our friendship, our intimacy—everything, you threw everything into the pile of past garbage.

Yes, I know, not all the fault is yours alone. I too am at fault. It was my fault to want you in exchange for everything, to trust you more than everything else in the world, to take excessive care of you, and this daily drowning and disappearing in an ocean of hatred—the responsibility for this is also mine. I hate myself now. I hate myself very, very, very much. I don't want to remain in this hell for eternity. How will I find freedom—can you tell me?

When someone betrays you whom you loved with your everything, whose welfare became your only prayer, beside whom your entire world would light up with laughter, whom you trusted more than your own life—how can such a person be forgiven? When someone acts out loyalty and sincerity day after day, then throws you into a dark corner with utter cruelty and neglect—how can they too be worthy of forgiveness? Someone who can dishonor the kind of assured, carefree, trusting friendship one has with the Creator—you ask me to forgive them?

You've given birth to countless such "whys" within me and disappeared from my life! Searching for answers to these questions, each of my nights literally passes sleepless. I know you have no answers or explanations for any of this. I will never know for what crime you ended my life. What we had no longer exists. Why it doesn't exist—I don't know the answer. Why I had to suffer so much for no reason—I want an answer to that. What you did to me, you did completely intentionally. You knew exactly what was happening, what was going to happen. You will have to face severe punishment for this. No excuse will be able to save you.

Your behavior defies all explanation—what you’ve said wouldn’t be believed even by a madman. This is the truth. Why you chose to destroy with your own hands what we had between us, why you caused me such profound pain—even if you gave me a thousand reasons, I could never forgive you. What you did was deliberate, and you deserve punishment for it. To think that the person I loved turned out to be so wretched—the very thought disgusts me. How could I have trusted a devil like you? And now you have the audacity to say you want to return to my life! Have you no shame? What do you take me for?

Yes, it will be difficult for me to live without you. I’ve become so dependent on you that I need you at every turn. But I also know this—once I learn to live without you, nothing in this world will be able to hold me back. All my sorrows and disappointments, I shared only with you. No one knows me better than you do, so you know what I’m capable of, how much I can endure. Whatever you told me, I believed. If you said I could accomplish something, I would simply assume I surely could. You have completely destroyed both my self-confidence and my faith!

I am recovering. Slowly, I’m overcoming my dependence on you. Often I think that if you were beside me now, it would be easier for me to pull myself together. But I’ve realized that if you stayed by my side, I would never be normal again. I know that the person for whom I’m crying so desperately—that person was never you, never existed, and never will exist. The friendship we had was impure, sordid. At least that’s how it seems now. Truly, none of this was necessary! You satisfied the needs of mind and body through the performance of love, while I satisfied them through the exchange of love. Now when I stand before a mirror, even looking at myself fills me with disgust!

Don’t be afraid. Even if we happen to meet somewhere, I won’t say anything to you. I haven’t learned such lessons. I’ll treat you very well, consider myself blessed if I can be of any use to you, speak with you with a smile on my face. But never forget that I hate you—more than it’s possible to hate another human being. Though I won’t punish you for what you’ve done to me even if I get the chance, I will never forget your deeds. I cannot forget. The ability to forget is a wonderful thing that I still haven’t learned. Because I cannot forget, living still causes me such pain!

I must move forward. I always wanted to hold onto everything from the past; I kept feeling that unless everything was made right, it would be impossible for me to be all right. But now I understand what a delusion I was living in! The truth is, you can never reach anything right by living with what’s wrong. What was meant to happen has happened—it cannot be corrected in any way. Some things, once broken, cannot be restored to their former state—relationships are like that too. The more I think about it, the more pain I’ll suffer.

Farewell, my friend! The one with whom I would talk all night, even until dawn; with whom I could share everything without any hesitation; with whom I could be at my most childish; with whom I spent some of life’s finest moments; to whom I would run, abandoning all my work; whose hand I had planned to hold while dancing at weddings; whom I believed to be the greatest friend of my life; with whom even eating peanuts felt like nectar; whom I considered the finest person I’d ever met; in whose shadow I dreamed my children would grow up; with whom hours of conversation would pass in what seemed like minutes; with whom I was meant to grow old together—today I bid farewell to that friend! May you be well. Your happiness will bring me joy. From today, we are merely acquaintances. I am utterly disgusted with myself, because I made my entire life out of a person who didn’t deserve even a moment of it!