How I Masturbate

Yes, I confess—I masturdate constantly. Almost regularly, I do it. Every single day, in fact. What can I say? I have to! What choice do I have? So whenever the mood strikes, I just go ahead and do it, anytime I please, however I fancy. I absolutely love doing it!

But I hesitate to say this openly. Why? People would say, “Oh my! What’s there to announce about that? Have you no shame talking about such things? Why all this self-love?” What? You don’t believe me? If you don’t believe it, just try saying it publicly! You’ll see what everyone starts saying. To someone who doesn’t value your masturdation, why would you even bring up such topics? Better to keep that joy hidden, just for yourself. That’s better, isn’t it?

Masturdation is my old companion. I’ve been at it for a long time. How do I do it? In many ways. For instance, I go to restaurants all by myself, pick a table I like, sit down alone to eat, study the menu. Sometimes the soft music playing in the restaurant decides what I’ll order—not that I don’t keep the price in mind. But when my wallet’s in good health, I hardly care about such things. I eat alone while everyone around seems to stare at me as if I were an alien. There’s both sympathy and pity in those glances. Why do they keep looking like that? Does it sadden them to see me eating alone? Or do they eventually say, “Poor guy has to eat alone! What a loser!” Yes, this happens sometimes when I go to movies alone too—I’ve noticed. But why should this be? Because I’m single? Well, why are single people single? By choice, or due to circumstances. Does that mean they should deprive themselves of all pleasures? Are single people supposed to stay miserable? Where, in what law, is this written? So I keep myself happy.

Sometimes I’m with everyone, but nothing feels right. Or what everyone else is doing, thinking, doesn’t align with me. What can I do? I find a convenient corner and secretly start masturdating! Sitting at a table, sipping juice, thinking whatever feels good in that moment, gazing out the window at the street—what’s happening, who’s doing what, how the air feels outside—or watching the amusing antics of restaurant staff around me. They look at me and find it entertaining. I look at them and find it entertaining. Joy upon joy!

It’s not just single people who masturdate. I’ve seen many whose beloved, whether due to busyness or other reasons, can’t give them time when they need it most. So what else can you do? You have to masturdate, right? This can happen anytime—day or night. I’ve even seen couples spending time together, yet both their minds are elsewhere. Two people sitting side by side, transported to two different worlds. Each absorbed in whatever pleases them in that moment. The guy talks on his phone, the girl listens to music with headphones. Or consider: a husband busy with office work all day, comes home at night and falls asleep immediately. No time or inclination for his wife. What should she do then? She’ll figure out her own way to be content. Listen to music, watch movies, read books, chat on the phone, go shopping, watch TV serials, chat with friends on Facebook. That’s it! I see nothing wrong with this. Everyone finds their own way to be happy in that moment. If men can masturdate, why can’t women? Masturdation is a universal phenomenon. Let everyone do it and be happy.

How do I masturdate? In many ways. However it feels good. Right now I’m remembering a few techniques worth mentioning:

One. Going to the movies? Don’t sit where you’ll have to ‘endure’ some couple’s romance or sweet talk. It’ll unconsciously sour your mood, and no matter how good the movie, you won’t enjoy it at all. Why bother? Sit in the middle rows! Couples rarely sit there. They prefer corners, tucked-away spots. Sitting there would interfere with your masturdating.

Two. Find out which restaurant cooks which dish best. Ask friends, search online. Then go there to eat that dish. Visit a good-looking, upscale restaurant with a refined atmosphere and spend some time there—see how it feels! If necessary, just leisurely enjoy a single cup of coffee for a long while! While eating, look around, admire the restaurant’s interior. Take a selfie and check in on Facebook. Watch the waiters—they often get up to playful mischief among themselves. Watch, you’ll enjoy it. Chat on Messenger while sipping your coffee! Why not sit at a table by the window? The view outside often lifts the spirits.

Three. Why are you saving your most beautiful outfit for the most beautiful day? Just assume today is that most beautiful day. Open the package, unfold it, put it on. You’ll see—it creates a wonderful feeling! Beautiful clothes often make the mind beautiful too. You’re beautiful enough to wear the world’s most beautiful outfit. Believe me, it will truly suit you. Clothes don’t fail to suit you so much from lack of outer beauty as from lack of inner beauty.

Four. See a couple being romantic nearby? Please, don’t disturb them. That shows extremely petty mentality. Let them be as they are. If you make eye contact, smile sweetly. You’ll get a return smile in reply. Your own heart will feel good, and you’ll want to wish them well.

Five. At a party, instead of hiding in a corner, try mingling with everyone with a cheerful face—see how it feels! Extend your hand first for handshakes. Everyone waits, thinking, “Why should I reach out first?” You reach out and see how it builds your self-confidence!

Six. Not feeling good? Why not pick up a book! Let yourself get lost in the ocean of books. Start conversations with the characters inside, argue with them, love them. There’s infinite joy even in turning pages! There’s no such thing as books you ‘should’ read. You’ll read whatever you enjoy reading. Stay content in your mind.

Seven. Don’t you have many movies piled up on your hard drive that you keep meaning to watch but never get around to due to lack of time or inclination? Start watching one of them! Even if it seems boring at first, stick with it patiently. Truly, you’ll start enjoying it after a while.

Eight. Play music—whatever you like, whatever you feel like hearing. If you feel like dancing, close the doors and windows, crank up the volume, and dance with wild abandon. Instrumental music has the magical power to heal the mind. Put on a playlist and let yourself be lost in the spell of melody.

Nine. How about going out with the whole family? Often laziness makes us not want to leave the house. But if you stretch a little and go on such outings, you’ll find a certain happiness has somehow entered your heart! Have family picnics regularly—outside or at home!

Ten. Why sit around feeling sad? Why not go shopping? Buy yourself whatever you want, whatever’s within your means! Buy whatever you like. What does it matter what people say or don’t say? No one has ever been happy through stinginess.

Eleven. Take a nice long sleep! Nothing in this world is more blissful. People say, “Nothing to do, so fry puffed rice!” I say, hey, is frying puffed rice so easy? No work, so pile on more work! Does that make sense? Why bother! No work, so sleep!

Twelve. If you can cook well, cook for others. If you cook badly, cook for yourself. Why eat it yourself? Because if you serve it to others and they say, “What awful cooking! Even dogs wouldn’t eat this!” then you’ll never want to cook again. That would close off another path to masturdation!

Thirteen. Talk on the phone with someone you enjoy talking to, or someone who’d be very happy to get your call. Let them tend to your heart even if they’re not physically present.

Fourteen. Want to try having a little argument with someone dear to you? I find it quite enjoyable! I often feel like having a good argument with someone. Alas! To live in this world, you need at least one person to argue with!

Fifteen. Lie on your bed and just stare at the ceiling. No need to even watch the geckos fighting in the corners. Let them do as they please! You don’t need to do anything—just stare. Let your mind go completely blank for a long while. You’ll see, after some time it feels quite good.

Sixteen. What’s wrong with opening the fridge and eating a Cadbury? Or opening biscuit and snack tins in the kitchen, lifting lids of cooking pots, opening pickle jars, uncapping milk and Horlicks containers, and sneakily popping something in your mouth! Do it as if you’re stealing food in your own home! Food eaten by stealth has a different taste altogether!

Seventeen. If you enjoy thinking nonsensical thoughts, then think them. Why must you always think only about work? Who decreed that you must only think sensibly? Think topsy-turvy thoughts, indulge your mind sometimes and see how it feels!

Eighteen. Without any plan, venture out to explore your neighborhood. What if no one’s with you? What’s wrong with chatting with the rickshaw driver you’re riding with? Let an afternoon pass in aimless wandering! And don’t forget to glance at the flame tree by the roadside and smile sweetly while roaming!

Nineteen. One of my absolute favorite masturdating techniques is swimming for hours in the ocean of books. I can wander bookshop to bookshop all day without the slightest fatigue. Whether new or old bookshops. I’ve never felt bored or monotonous doing this. Even imagining the scent of books makes me feel intoxicated! Book-buying is the world’s greatest masturdating technique for me.

Twenty. Look up whatever you want to see online and check it out! Expensive dresses, expensive watches, expensive bags, expensive shoes—you can’t afford them, no one will ever buy them for you, but what’s wrong with looking! Looking doesn’t cost money! Take a virtual tour of the world! Even if it’s something you’d have to look at secretly!

Twenty-one. If you have a car, go on a solo long drive. If you don’t, rent one if needed and speed off wherever you like! The car will race with music, and your mind will race in boundless leisure!

Twenty-two. Buy various gifts for parents, younger siblings, or family members. Go places together, eat out together. Why must you cook at home every day? Give whoever usually cooks a chance to eat restaurant food and make yourself happy!

Twenty-three. Don’t worry about weight gain or illness—eat whatever your heart desires. What’s the point of living within such restrictions? If you eat a bit more as you please and your belly grows a little? Let it grow! So what? Oh, I see. If your belly grows, they won’t like you anymore? Let them not like you then! Someone who can’t tolerate my belly, how can they tolerate me? Someone who doesn’t love my belly has no right to love me!

Twenty-four. Take selfies in various strange styles and poses and upload them to Facebook. Plainly state that whoever finds them annoying should remove you from their friend list. What kind of friend can’t tolerate your colorfulness? You know you’ve uploaded the most beautiful selfie in the world. Read the lovely comments on that post silently and laugh out loud. Hahaha… Hehehe… Hihihi…!

Twenty-five. Go to the park. Why must you always run or jog when you go to the park? Just sit on a bench. Call over the peanut vendor and listen attentively to his life philosophy. Break some peanuts with your own hands and feed him. Or watch how amusing the world around you is! Or close your eyes and silently chew peanuts. Nothing more! Peanut-chewing masturdation feels quite good! Try it sometime!

Twenty-six. How about popping into an art gallery? Or a music concert? Find out what plays are showing in the theater district and go see one alone! Truly, it’s a wonderful way to spend time! No need to take anyone along! Taking someone who doesn’t love music as much to hear music means customizing your love for music to their taste! Why bother with such pain!

Twenty-seven. If nothing else, just write for Facebook. Your writing doesn’t need to be immortal. You’ll write purely for your own joy. Post it. Play comment games with friends. Annoy everyone and get annoyed yourself! No one comes to Facebook to create classic texts. Everything written here is rubbish! Doesn’t matter! You write rubbish too! Getting likes and being happy is enough. You need some likes to stay alive. A life without post likes is pointless!

Twenty-eight. Keep pestering your dear ones. Stay after them constantly. Irritate them thoroughly, make them angry, then try to calm them down yourself. If you can do this properly, you’ll feel very happy. All the world’s joy lies in pestering beloved people!

Twenty-nine. You could meditate. Try practicing various forms of yoga with focused attention! In meditation you’ll return to a completely calm, composed state, able to forget all sorrows and pains in your mind’s peace. When you occasionally want to become a different person, wherever you are, in whatever state, try meditating right there. You’ll feel good.

Thirty. Prayer removes all physical and mental suffering. Whether at a place of worship or at home, in quiet, still surroundings, offer all your heart’s pain, good wishes for others, all your wants and non-wants, life’s gains and losses—everything to the Creator. Give thanks for however He has kept you. This works like magic. You’ll see that instantly all forms of mental restlessness disappear and a message of peace pervades inside you, outside you, all around you.

Think about it—we all love to masturdate in some way or another. How so? We rush to see the latest movie before everyone else so we