How long has it been since you gave me poetry? Does poetry not come to you anymore? Or do you not let it come? I am living in great joy—this staying alive is for joy itself. Tell me about yourself. Listen, has anyone ever seen God? No one has, right! Then how do people go on talking so much about Him? It’s all trickery, isn’t it? These days I don’t feel like doing anything—I want to abandon everything and become a renunciant! Do you know who can write poetry? Those who have a greater capacity for suffering! Why is your capacity for taking on sorrow so great? Why don’t you write poetry anymore? Without your poetry, life becomes so difficult for me! I can no longer bear this life of extremes! Listen, what would happen if I loved you? As long as it lasts, there would be joy, then I’d forget! You would leave anyway! Forgetting is the joy. They say being able to write poetry is great fortune! What kind of fortune is this that burns through blood, veins, and arteries? The most sorrowful people on this earth are those who write poetry! Even a beggar doesn’t suffer this much. So many poems swirl in my head. If only writing poetry could be a job, I would pour everything into it! This poetry ruins everything else in my life, yet I cannot escape this trap! Those who write poetry—what a snare they’re caught in! All those who lived by writing poetry alone have died starving, without medical care. If I had the time, I would write for my entire life, asking nothing in return. Poetry cannot survive on barter. My chest aches so much, so much! So much that sometimes all desire to live is destroyed! Perhaps I suffer from overthinking. Once something enters my head, it won’t leave, I can’t forget anything—how is that my fault!
One must not love narrow-minded people—they tend to be too selfish! Those who beg like beggars for love are truly beggars. From them you’ll hear only one refrain your whole life—give, give, and give more… But even if you give everything, their hearts won’t be satisfied, because they are small people. Small people don’t know how to be happy with little; worse still, they don’t understand what would be enough. The greater one’s heart, the more content one remains with little. One must not love someone you can only pity—with such a person, no connection of souls is possible, only a relationship of interest! For one who cannot bear humanity’s inhumanity, living peacefully becomes a great burden! The love of beggars is as troublesome as giving alms to beggars! Giving good things to the undeserving is also a sin!
Madhusokha, how are you? I can sense your sadness quite clearly. How can I tell, you ask? Do you know that when your heart is heavy, mine grows heavy too? I don’t like seeing you drift through your days with that melancholy. I want you to be cheerful always, humming songs under your breath. That’s all I want, nothing more! Listen, I’m longing to hear you sing. Would you sing a song for me? Picture yourself sitting under the open sky at midnight in moonlight, or on the sand facing the restless ocean. All around would be just the gentle moonlight scattered across the dunes and the profound silence! I would sit beside you, arms around you, my head resting on your shoulder, listening quietly to your song! But forget all this! I keep saying such things, though these dreams will never come true. I can sense when you’re sad, but I don’t know how to lift your spirits. If I did know, I would find a way somehow to make you feel better. I can’t sing, I can’t recite poetry. There’s really no gift in me that might please you. Then why would you care for me at all? Where there’s no fondness, love becomes nothing but a phantom dream. I’m probably just annoying you every day, constantly. You’re too kind to say anything to me about it. I understand this, yet I keep bothering you. Every time I send a message, my hands tremble—what if you’re annoyed! And you might just block me if I irritate you too much. That’s where all my fear lies! So many thoughts about you swirl constantly in my mind! The problem is, I don’t always feel like writing in my diary. When I do want to write, I can no longer find these beautiful thoughts. You’re absolutely right—beautiful thoughts don’t visit a person’s mind twice. I’m not like you! You’re a genius. I told you once, remember, that I don’t like being the bone in the kebab, so I would move away from you, forever! But am I moving away from you, or drawing closer to you—tell me? It’s impossible to distance myself from you this way. Day by day, I’m losing myself more completely in you. Why do you give me your time, tell me? I know your time is precious. Why waste it on something as pointless as me? Just because I want it, must you give it? Who am I to you? Can’t you just refuse? You might be the king of my life, the hero of my story. But the heroine of your story is someone else. That’s the greatest truth. Even knowing this enormous truth, why can’t I pull myself back, why can’t I make myself understand—tell me? I feel so selfish. Always talking about myself, my pain, my love—that’s all I ever say. But this isn’t what I wanted! I never meant to trade my suffering and emotions with you. Then what am I doing!
I can tell quite clearly that you’re avoiding me or trying to avoid me. You might as well say I understand too much. Maybe I do understand too much. But what’s the point of understanding less and suffering for it later, right? You know how I suffer needlessly, over and over again. I keep messaging you insistently. You don’t read them, and even when you do, you don’t reply. I message again, and again you don’t read. Then I message once more. Sometimes I sit quietly and think, enough—I won’t send another message until you reach out first. A little while later, I send another message and think, well, since I’ve already sent so many, what’s the harm in one more! How utterly shameless I am, just think about it! Love has stripped away all my shame and dignity! Does any of this make sense? Wherever you go—forests, jungles, hills, mountains—you won’t find another shameless creature like me anywhere. Samaresh has a book—”Where Will I Find Her.” No, you won’t find such another specimen anywhere! Aren’t I right? I know I’m right. What’s my fault, tell me? You’re the one who said that whenever I miss you, I should message you right away. I miss you all day long. I used to before too, but I’d control myself. No matter how much you came to mind, I didn’t have the courage to bother you all day. I’m actually quite afraid of you. That’s why I don’t say things out loud, I write everything down instead. As if when I make mistakes, I won’t have to hear the scolding directly. I love you so much, darling, that’s why I’m so shameless! But don’t go thinking I behave this way with everyone! Even when you belittle me, it doesn’t hurt, even when you insult me, it doesn’t hurt. Oh, if only I could stay pressed against your chest all the time, how wonderful that would be, don’t you think? But what can I do, tell me—was I born with such luck? Though I know you’re not mine, I love you knowing that. Still, sometimes it hurts terribly to think—why aren’t you mine? Don’t give me the answer to that! Tell me, is this world only about what we can’t have? The very thing I can’t touch—will my heart yearn for it all the more? The thing that makes my heart restless with longing—will it move even further away? Why does it work this way? Come on, let’s get married! I so want to be your wife. I’ll follow you around all day, and whenever I get the chance, I’ll wrap my arms around your neck. So many people have two marriages, what’s the harm? You can marry whoever you really like later! I won’t say a word. What? Did I scare you? Never mind, no need to be frightened. I felt like saying it, so I said it. Nothing to take seriously. You know how many impossible things I say!
I will never
bother you again, darling. Never,
not ever. I think I may have
troubled you far too much already. The truth is, I feel like I’m caught in some kind of spell. Like the haze
that comes with intoxication, something
like that.
In this haze of mine, you drift through my mind constantly. This isn’t normal, is it? Anyone can
love another person. Anyone can miss
someone they love. But why
this much? Why must I miss you
all day long? Twenty-four hours
a day?
If it were just twenty-four hours of
gentle remembrance or a little longing, that would be bearable! But I’m restless
for you every moment. This restlessness refuses to fade. I thought it might
gradually lessen. But no! Believe me, I never imagined it was possible to miss someone like this. I visit your wall a hundred times a day. I read any post of yours
at least twenty times. Some posts
far more than that. Not just your new
writing—I scroll back and read
your old posts over and over again.
All the messages you’ve sent me
from the very beginning until now—I read them at least fifty times a day. When I open my laptop for work, I always go to the folder with your name first, look at your photos, listen to your voice recordings, and only then turn to other tasks, no matter how urgent they might be! That folder is
filled with countless photos of you, videos downloaded from YouTube, clippings of the columns you’ve written for Prothom Alo, many notes from your previous account, and so much more. Your photo is my phone wallpaper, which means I have to keep my phone hidden all the time,
so no one sees it.
Most of the time I turn off the lights in my room, or close my eyes and
try to feel how close you are to me! My entire day revolves around you.
What would you call this? Just missing
someone? Or madness, childishness? It’s certainly madness—perhaps a bit too much madness. Day by day I’m behaving like a fool. I’ve lost my ability to think. This obsession with you isn’t just
foolishness on my part—it’s also
wrong and presumptuous. This must be what they mean by knowingly drinking poison. I constantly have strange
fantasies about you. I weave webs of imagination like a child. But I don’t understand this—the more I dream about you, the more I have to suffer. I might be able to accept the temporary
pain of loving you. But what will happen the day you leave me completely?
Will I be able to live without you? But this is reality, isn’t it? I have no
right to love you. I’ve loved you
wrongfully. I’ve wanted you
wrongfully.
I’ve fallen in love with you like a fool, ignoring society, religion, caste, and so many other
barriers. I never once stopped to think what the consequences would be! As I write to you now,
tears are streaming down my face
uncontrollably. I can’t stop them. It feels like someone has
pressed a stone weighing hundreds of pounds against my chest. I’m trying to steady myself
by biting my lip. But I just can’t manage it anymore!
Today I have
only one request of you. Stay well always. Your wellbeing matters most to me,
more precious than
everything else. Didn’t I say the other day, cry a little, let me see? I was only teasing. I want to see that smiling face of yours
always. I’m ready to do whatever it takes
for that. I will never try to intrude into your personal space. I’ve been so childish with you, tormented
you so much, behaved
like such a fool,
caused you so much pain,
irritated you endlessly.
Sorry for everything! Please forgive me! And please, don’t
misunderstand anything. I love you so very, very much.
I said,
don’t misunderstand. I knew
you would anyway. And you did. Good.
I haven’t said a word
to you about what
you’re thinking. Please, don’t misunderstand
me. I’m telling the truth! I can’t fight with my heart anymore. I’ve fallen
madly in love with you. I can’t accept the difference between this love and reality. This thought is driving me insane. What should I do, what’s the right thing to do—I can’t understand anything. Please don’t be hurt by anything I say, don’t misunderstand
me. I don’t want to cause you even a moment’s pain, believe me! But somehow it just happens! Sorry! I’m not scolding you,
darling. My heart is heavy. You won’t
understand. Did you think I said I wouldn’t bother you anymore because I was upset by something you said? Not at all. I’m saying it because I’m disgusted with my own behavior. You don’t know how desperate my mind and actions are becoming day by day. I really have no claim over you. But I can’t restrain my heart. All sorts of nonsense keeps coming to mind. You said you have an iftar party today, and I’m thinking you’re with some girl. Whether you’re with some girl or not isn’t the point.
The point is, I think
you’re lying to avoid
me. I understand that having such thoughts is completely wrong. That you even talk to me
is my greatest
blessing. I’m nobody to you, I shouldn’t feel bad about such things. Why feel bad—I shouldn’t even worry about it. But why is this happening? I’m sorry. I need to control myself.
If I don’t rein in my heart right now, there’s no telling what foolish things I might do in the future. Please
forgive me.
Today I feel
like I’m truly unworthy of loving you. I feel like I probably
couldn’t love you completely selflessly. If I had, I wouldn’t be hurt by anything you say. I will love you
from afar. I said I’d stay away from you because I can’t even accept this selfishness in my heart. It wasn’t like this before—why is it happening now! Whether you’re near or far, I won’t let any trace of selfishness, any stain
taint my love. Please, even if you’re very
angry with me, don’t scold me today.
The human heart is terribly selfish. Everyone is selfish, really. Even the pain people feel comes from their selfishness. If we weren’t selfish, no one would suffer at all. But then, does that mean everything people do is driven by self-interest? This love I have for you—is there self-interest behind it too? I wanted to love you from afar. I used to love you from a distance, weaving dreams around you. I was quite content blending you with my imagination in my love. There were no expectations, no fear of losing anything. Like you once said on my behalf—I don’t even need you to love you! And it’s true! I could imagine you however I pleased, think whatever I wanted. In that realm of imagination, you belonged only to me. Whenever I felt sad, I’d remember you intensely, miss you terribly—then I’d write it all down. Through writing, I’d speak with you. Perhaps I wasn’t very good at it, but I could lighten my heart by telling my feelings to paper. Even from far away, I could love you fiercely. Could, why do I say could! Doesn’t that love exist now? It does—in fact, it’s hundreds of times stronger. But I can no longer imagine you the way I used to. Before, just closing my eyes would make me feel you were mine alone. Even knowing it was false, I believed it true. But now I can’t do that anymore. I think—you’re not mine, so why am I claiming you as my own! Why am I consoling myself for nothing? There’s such a crowd around you that I can’t even find my own existence there. I never had you, yet I fear losing you! By trying to make myself understand reality, I’m actually plunging myself deeper into darkness day after day. However many times one side of my mind tells me—she’s not yours, she’s not yours—the other side immediately rebels: why not? Of course she’s mine. This is a war with myself!
How many times I’ve thought I’d move away from you, then I wouldn’t have to bear this pain anymore. But I can’t do that either! I can’t stay away from you. You can hurt me, humiliate me, do whatever you please—still, somehow I can’t stay away from you. But I will have to go far away! Do you know what I’ve been thinking lately? I think—where you’re not mine, what’s the point of living? I try again and again to push this thought away, but it keeps returning. What should I do—can you tell me? I know it’s not right to say these things to you. Yet why am I saying them! You never asked me to love you. I chose to love you. You never told me to suffer for you. I’m choosing to suffer. The thoughts that shouldn’t enter my mind, the feelings that are beyond my right to feel—I’m suffering by dwelling on these. Does it make any sense? Why am I doing this, tell me? I’m so angry with myself. Why am I like this? Why don’t I even try to understand that you’re like the sun in my life? You’ve given me light from afar. If I go too close, I’ll burn to ashes. Knowing this, I want to burn in your fire and turn to dust! But why?
You’ve become
so busy since yesterday. You were barely online all day. Did you fall asleep
before midnight last night? You didn’t see my messages. Yesterday I was missing you so, so much! Have you noticed that in these past few months
I’ve never called you on my own? Every time we’ve talked, you were the one who
called. I kept thinking, maybe you’re doing something important, if I call I might
disturb you or you might even get annoyed. But yesterday I was missing you so
desperately that I finally just called you. For the first time! I had deleted your phone number. I went through such trouble to get it again. While it was ringing, my
heart was pounding. But you
didn’t answer. I thought, maybe you’re busy, you’ll call back when you see it
later. I waited so long for you to call back! But no, you didn’t. I thought you’d fallen asleep, surely you’d send a message in the morning, but even that didn’t happen.
Look what’s
happening—I who had loved you
without any hope, without any
expectations, where has that gone!
I’ve started hoping again! Didn’t I tell you once that you shouldn’t love me even
a little bit! Because if you love me even a little, then my heart will want the rest too. I’ll love you
alone. Having a crush on you or falling in love with you was fine, but
this love—it’s all wrong. If I’d known earlier that loving you would bring such
pain, I would have held my heart back then. What can I do now?
What could I possibly do?
I’m hurting today for some
reason. That sharp, piercing hurt. I can’t understand why I’m hurting. I’m trying to explain to my heart
why I’m in pain! But I can’t
make it understand either. Actually, I should be in pain. I deliberately chose to
take this pain from you, so why shouldn’t I be able to bear it now? I feel like
I should probably just die. Then there’d be no more pain, no more
torment. Today I imagine, you know what, that I could just
die! Only before death, if I could just hold your hand once and say, I love you, I love you so much.
I’m worried about you now.
It’s past noon and you haven’t come online even once. Last night too you went offline after midnight. I thought
you’d fallen asleep. But you never
do that! What’s happened to you? Are you alright?
I’m really getting anxious
about you. Baby, where are you?
What are you doing?
I won’t say anything else.
Don’t misunderstand. Don’t stay angry with me. Sorry.
I will never write to you again from today onwards. Once I used to write for myself, when I couldn’t say the words that kept accumulating inside me, I would write them down. Just to lighten myself. And then foolishly, I even let you read them. I really am quite foolish. Foolish enough to dream all those false dreams about you. Foolish enough to think that perhaps you understood everything. Actually, you don’t understand anything. You just pretend to understand. The heart means nothing to you, love means nothing to you either. Did I ever ask for you? I only wanted to love you from afar. I admit it was my mistake—telling you everything. I gave you the very opportunity to hurt me. Today I truly understand that you really don’t understand the heart, you only understand the body. I always miss you, I want to come to you—is that just bodily desire? Do you think that was the only small thing I wanted from you? I just wanted to touch you and stay close for a little while. Nothing more. I did tell you that day about another time. I mentioned the weekend later, only because you’re busy at other times. There’s no need to twist words. You never loved me, not even a bit. Touch without love is the same as prostitution. So am I that to you too? And those other girls? What are they?
Touching you isn’t essential for me. But I can’t let those beautiful dreams rot! Loving you from afar—that’s what brings peace, happiness. I knew you couldn’t value love, but I didn’t know you couldn’t even understand its color. Thank goodness I realized it, even if late. Otherwise, who knows how much longer I would have kept chasing that mirage!
I love you, I will love you. But not by going to you anymore, from a distance. Just as I had wanted before. I will never again go to you to hear your false words of “I love you.”
Stay well always.
I love you!!!
You know, I used to secretly imagine I’d be a demanding wife. This has been my fancy for so long. He wouldn’t be allowed to come near unless he held me close first! Like this—even after eating very spicy curry, he’d be obliged to say the curry turned out very well, for fear I might cry. I used to think of many other things that I can’t say. Oh, let me tell you one more. Sometimes on some random day, I’d soak his office clothes, so that he’d have to stay with me that day. He wouldn’t go to office, and wearing a punjabi, he’d go out with me instead. I’d wear a saree. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Won’t you say anything?
Are you angry? I’m deactivating the ID. Please
forgive me! Hey, listen! I feel so
unwell. There’s this strange ache in my chest. My heart hurts from not seeing you.
I’ve caught a cold too. Is it acidity? I won’t take medicine.
My head hurts terribly and I’m dizzy—I’ve collapsed on the bed. I feel so restless somehow. Nobody
feels sorry for me, nobody cares about my pain.
You scold this silly girl every day. I’ve been suffering for so long now. I keep
crying. I keep feeling like nobody
understands me even a little. I’m sorry for causing you pain. I never want you to suffer for any reason.
Certainly not because of me! I love you, baby! I love
you so much, please understand. Don’t
scold me anymore. I’m in so much pain. I can’t bear to be apart from you! Didn’t I tell you—
I’m shameless,
completely shameless! Tell me, will you ever
leave me behind? Will you ever forget me?
Tell me honestly! When you go to some other girl’s wall I can’t stand it! I’ve somehow become so
jealous!
Sorry, baby. What was that post
you made? What did you mean by it?
When I sometimes say that I’ll move away from you, do you understand why I say it? I’ve never wanted to move away because I was angry with you. All my anger is directed at myself. Perhaps you won’t understand anything of what I’m about to tell you. The way people become addicted to drugs—that’s how addicted I’ve become to you. Every second, every moment, thoughts of you circle my mind; you never leave my head. Not just thoughts. Didn’t you once say you felt pain in your chest? Exactly like that. That pain, constantly! I suffer from missing you. Your office hours belong to work, and your weekends to someone else. You don’t even have five minutes for me. I suffer thinking about why you’re not mine, and I keep suffering. Tell me, why won’t you be mine? When someone tells you they love you, I can’t bear it; when you love someone else, I can’t bear it. When you give someone else more priority than me, I can’t bear it. Yet all of this is normal—my suffering over it is foolish! I can’t accept that you’re only for dreaming about, not for reality. I can’t accept that you’re not mine. All this pain I feel—I’m the one responsible for it. I thought if I moved away from you, these things would lessen. But I can’t move away from you! I can’t stay away even for a few moments; I start suffocating. So much pain accumulates in my chest that I can’t breathe. I cried a lot today. Continuously from afternoon until evening. Even at night, until now; I’m still crying. It’s six in the morning now. I haven’t slept a single moment today. I’ve just been crying. But I can’t understand why I’m crying. Why am I in such pain? You can cause pain with such precision. From last night, I sent you so many messages—you didn’t even read them, let alone reply. Do you know how much it hurts? Didn’t I tell you that you don’t love me? Not even a little! Why would you love me anyway? I can’t bear your pain, yet I can’t take this unbearable torment either. Why don’t you do one thing! Kill me. It would be so much better to die all at once than to die slowly like this. Even dying by your hand would be more peaceful than suffering like this. I’m going to go mad this way, truly mad. You could never imagine how much I love you, never. Perhaps one day, suffering like this, I’ll just collapse and die.
I had made many plans
before deciding on the way to go above. Everything was more or less fine, I came to my room intending to drink poison; I didn’t realize there was a bottle of liquor right next to where I had kept the poison bottle. I’m very tense, it feels like
if only I could have stayed alive
a little longer! But look, in my extreme anxiety I drank liquor instead of poison, and what happened after that,
who knows! I’m probably just drunk,
so instead of dying I’m intoxicated
by your spell! Never go far away, scold me if I make mistakes, but still don’t go.
I won’t be able to stay away from you. I might die, but I won’t be able to stay distant. I won’t go far,
but if you hurt me too much I’ll die.
Still I won’t leave you. Baby…..miss you! Meow! You’re such a little meow-baby.
You know, a friend of mine pulled quite a stunt. She had written in someone’s
inbox saying she would commit suicide that night. He took the matter very
seriously and began trying every possible way to save her.
It was midnight then. He didn’t have her number, couldn’t find her on Facebook either. He became
genuinely ill with worry about her! He called so many people and created quite a commotion! He
wanted to save my friend. Three people went out into the streets that very midnight searching for my friend’s
house. The purpose was to inform her parents about the situation and save her. Meanwhile my friend was fast asleep, snoring away! Eventually, with someone’s help, he managed to get her number and spoke with her to learn
that the whole thing was a joke. Later it was discovered that she had sent the same message to a couple of other people too. Naturally
his mood turned very sour. Later my friend, at my suggestion, wrote and sent him this:
Dear person,
With respect.
I’m telling the truth,
I never wanted to hurt
you. I’m truly very sorry for everything that happened that night. You had to suffer so much because of me. Please believe me, I never wanted this. Please forgive
me. Please, please……please!
Can I tell you something?
That whole night felt like
a movie. The heroine, a supporting character in the film, was dying, the great hero couldn’t accept this at all,
the time is now Digital
Bangladesh, so the hero
is calling the heroine…….it rings, but will the heroine truly wake up from the hero’s
phone call!? The heroine isn’t answering the phone………meanwhile the hero’s
condition is tumultuous……….could it be that their love will be swept away? No, this simply cannot happen!
The Creator’s creation
may do cruel things, but the Creator
is never that cruel. So, by the grace of the supremely merciful one,
through the great hero’s love the heroine finally regained a new life.
Well, I mean,
I’ve been audacious enough to say
far too much. Please don’t mind it. Don’t be angry with me anymore, please. If you don’t forgive me, the Creator won’t
forgive me either. Please, I’m truly asking for
forgiveness with all my heart. You are a very good person. May you and all of yours have much, much, much
good fortune. Prayers and love will always remain.
The funny thing is,
he actually replied to that letter. Do you know what he wrote back?
Life is not a film. Life is stranger than that. In a film you can have a rescue-point if you wish, in life you can’t have that. Take care.
My friend showed me his reply. I wrote back again,
Please, won’t you forgive me! I really feel terrible! The Creator never fulfills people’s bad wishes—this is what I believe. I’m telling the truth, I’ll never even think such sinful thoughts in my life again, I promise for certain. Please forgive me just this once, pleeeease!
I did well, didn’t I? Listen, you’re supposed to be a lion! Then why do you send me meows? Instead of meowing, roar like a lion! I love cats, but cats are like cats, not like you. One thing I must say… you look so different and beautiful in black dresses! Hee hee hee. I have some photos from your old disabled account. If you need them, just say so! I’ll send them. Are you angry? Huh! I really love it when you’re angry! These young girls on Facebook love you so much. That’s why they think about you so much. Don’t say anything to them, please. Isn’t it cute? I really don’t like it when people mess around with someone they love or like. You might have many bad sides, but I still love you. I’ve known you for so long now. In all this time, my respect and love haven’t diminished—they’ve only grown. Those who love for reasons, when the reasons run out, their love runs out too. Tell me, do you find me annoying? I’ve loved you well enough. I haven’t harmed you at all! Do you know that sometimes I block you on Messenger out of fear that you might scold me? Then I end up crying my eyes out! Yesterday evening, my aunt said, “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Why do you look like this?” Can you imagine my condition! You’re someone I can’t even tell anyone about! I know I’m poison to your eyes! But what can I do, tell me… I truly love you so very much! Don’t stay silent, please! Fine, I made a mistake. Beat me up! Sorry! Everyone knows I have a huge ego. Only you don’t know this! Because it’s impossible for me to show ego in front of you.
One of your friends, named Raktim, seems crazy. He’s been constantly messaging me after finding me from your wall. Says he wants to meet, wants to show me photos. Today’s the first time I’m talking to him. Still, I added him because he’s your friend. How does that feel? I had a dream a little while ago. You had written a poem about auntie. Isn’t that funny? Listen, don’t eat raw salt. Eat less panta bhat, you’ll get sick. I ate too much yesterday and got sick. Sometimes I go many days before seeing you, I mean coming to your wall. Both you and your writing are harmful to me! (Addictive things are harmful, aren’t they?) You understand that after falling in love with you, this little old person suddenly became so grown up…! Today I’m a bit sad, a bit hopeless. So I came to see you. I’ve always disliked swallowing medicine. If something else can cure the illness, what’s the need for medicine, tell me!
Listen, do you remember that sari you gave me! Have you forgotten? Of course you’d forget! So many things you have to keep track of! Oh come on, that time when you went to Rajshahi on office work and brought back two saris for me and Ma. You forget everything so completely! The day I went to see you, we’d barely started talking when you brought out those two saris. You told me to choose whichever one I thought was prettiest. I was just turning them over and over, looking at them. You pulled out the green one with the brown border and said, “This will look absolutely stunning on you, you know! I bought this one thinking only of you.” I was just gazing at you. Your eyes were dancing with such joy. Tell me, did you see contentment in my eyes and face? You know, it’s been almost a year since you gave me that sari, and I still haven’t worn it anywhere. But oh, how many times I’ve wrapped myself in it! Somehow I feel your touch lingering on it. I can smell you in it too. Listen, don’t think I’m being silly, though. I’m just your foolish beloved.
You know, I have this deep longing to dress in that sari one day, put vermillion on my forehead in your name, and stand before you. Tell me, what would you do then? Would you say… “I see my silly little bird has put on a sari… oh my, and she’s even put vermillion on her forehead!” Would you gently take me in your arms? Listen, I once told you how much I long to wear that white sari with the red border that you wear during pujas! Just once, only once I want to wear it for you, pleeeease! Everyone says I look wonderful in saris. Why do you love me so much? You’re happy even when I’m dressed so simply. You never even ask me to dress up. Don’t I want to beautify myself for you?
I had this dream today—
the parlor cut off all my hair! I was crying my heart out! You told me to keep my hair long, then I woke up and saw my hair was still there. Can I tell you something? Today’s a holiday, would you please put some olive oil in your hair for a while, then shampoo it? It’ll make your hair even softer. Hey… meow! What do you want to say? Won’t you tell me? Have you completely forgotten me? Want to know what I think after reading everything you’ve written? Nothing comes to mind. Just saying. I read the comment threads on your posts and all I keep thinking is, how wonderful it would be if all your female friends could just vanish in an instant!
I miss you all day long. This is a huge problem. There’s no solution, I can’t find one. Won’t you suggest a solution? My dying would be the best solution, wouldn’t it? Pray for that. Did I say something very wrong? I’m a terrible cat, that’s why. Fine, go—from now on I won’t miss you anymore. Meow. Are you scolding me? Why are you scolding me?
Why are you hurting me? Okay, sorry. I won’t say nonsensical things anymore. Listen,
take care of yourself.
If something happens to you, I won’t survive either. I’m not saying this just to say it. I’m being completely serious, mark my words. Even though you won’t be there to see it, I’m still saying—wherever you go, I’ll reach there within moments. I’m not leaving you alone anywhere! Hey, when are you free? Tell me. I’ll come to you. You must be very busy then.
I read your writing. Reading your writing means falling in love with you all over again. I really
love purple and deep blue colors. That picture you shared wearing the purple t-shirt—I loved seeing that. Please wear deep blue one day! I want to see how you look in deep blue. Are you watching ‘Memsaheb’? Watch it, watch it to your heart’s content. I’m also crushing hard. On whom? I won’t tell you. Listen, why are you like this? You don’t answer when I message, you always hang up when I call, and sometimes you don’t even read my messages. It hurts me so much, makes me feel terrible. Listen,
I’m crazy, wicked, argumentative… I accept it all. But I can’t live without you. I’m not asking you to talk all day or all night, I know you’re very busy.
I understand that you have to work hard to write,
but can’t I ask for even a little bit of time from the person I love? Or don’t I have that right either? I don’t want anything else from you, never will.
Let me tell you something.
I’ve been meaning to say this for so long but couldn’t bring myself to. I had thought I would never set foot in that direction again—toward the northern regions, I mean.
I spent some very important years of my life there. So many memories are woven into that place. My teenage years, my friends, the ache of first love, my failures, each day of coming into myself—joy, sorrow, happiness, pain, everything! You don’t really know much about me, so you won’t understand this feeling of mine. The very air there is too familiar to me. Whenever I think of meeting you, I worry that same air might come and remind me of all those old things again. You asked me to come to you. I said nothing. For you, I could easily travel to the other end of the world. My love for you is pure, without any alloy—yet still, just from fear of being ambushed by memories, I couldn’t say anything. It’s not easy to overcome the fear of having the scent of a life left behind cling to you again. I could drop everything and rush to you, wherever and whenever you want. You still haven’t grasped this, or maybe you have doubts—maybe this girl doesn’t really love me, she just keeps saying these things all day for no reason. What don’t you think! As if I’d just say it casually—I love you! So simple!
In a crowd of lovelessness, even true love seems false, doesn’t it? I had fallen in love once before—does that mean I can’t love you with everything I have, leaving everything behind? It hurts so much. I can’t even tell you everything. Maybe you don’t want to know either, do you? What good would it do to know? What good would it do to understand? Natural enough. I’m terribly stuck, having fallen in love with you! If you could understand how I feel when you hurt even a little! Even when I want to say something, I’m afraid that hearing my words might spoil your mood! Day after day, night after night, you make no contact at all. You can’t even understand how that feels.
You weren’t born a woman—how would you understand a woman’s heart’s torment? I stay restless with the fear of losing someone I haven’t even won yet. Isn’t that absurd? Since I can never say any of this to you, I end up writing so much instead. If I write anything nonsensical, please forgive me in your generosity. I’m sorry for this assault of my love.
I will never be able to live without you, my darling. Really, I won’t be able to. Even if it means staying far away, please let me at least catch a glimpse of your shadow. Please. Please please please, never move away from me! I love you more than my life, I love you more than everything.
How are you?
What are you up to? You’re such a busy person. Work, work, and more work all day long. Yesterday you didn’t sleep until after 5 in the morning.
Can you go on like this, dear? Won’t your health suffer? Are the movies running away somewhere? You need to take a little care of yourself, don’t you? You live alone—if you don’t look after yourself, who else will, tell me? I worry about you so much. But I don’t tell you. You wouldn’t listen to anyone anyway, you’ll just go on in your own way. What’s the point of saying anything! If only I could be there with you, then there’d be no worry at all—I could take care of you myself. But that’s not happening, is it? You’re so very, very far away. Listen, when I told you yesterday never to push me away, how beautifully you said, “I won’t!” But was I ever close to you that you could push me away anew? I’m already far away. I’ve always been far away. Do you know that every girl draws a picture in her imagination of a prince from her dreams? She dreams about him, yet knows perfectly well that such a person doesn’t exist. For some reason I feel that the man from my imagination is you. Why are you so perfect? 99% perfect, exactly as I used to imagine. Minus 1%. I won’t tell you why that is. But even that prince of my dreams was beyond reach, and so are you.
You are the biggest and most important part of my life. Before you came into my life, my life felt somehow incomplete. I didn’t even realize that the most important person in my life hadn’t entered it yet. Even though you’re here now, you still remain so distant. Can’t you understand how much I miss you? Or do you understand but pretend not to? You’re always worrying—what will this person think, what will that person think? I’m restless all the time because of you; I feel like running to you right away. But that path is closed. I can’t. You’re just busy, busy, busy, and more busy!
It was better when I used to write whenever I felt like talking to you. I would write whatever came to mind. I wrote just for the sake of writing, not for reading. Now I can’t write everything. Many things I want to write, but then I think—if I write this, you’ll read it! Oh, how embarrassing! I don’t write out of fear. And many thoughts that come to mind I can’t write down for no reason at all. Some feelings need to stay within oneself, don’t they?
Sometimes I think I’m probably bothering you too much. Maybe I’m being excessive too. Why should you tolerate this excess of mine! Then I think, no, it’s not right to annoy you like this! What if you get too annoyed and block me! You don’t even say anything when you’re annoyed. You know, I’ve decided so many times on my own that I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll move away. But I can’t last even one day. I start suffocating. I feel that maybe dying would be easier than not having you around. I’m restless all the time waiting for just one word from you, for one glimpse of you. What is this restlessness for? Can you tell me?
I will always
love you, my sweet darling,
whether you’re near or
far. Every day, every moment, I’ll love you more than before. If ever it comes to pass
that I’ve left everything behind and gone
far away, lying beneath
two and a half feet of earth,
even from there I’ll
tell you—I love you, I love you.
Wherever I go, however I live,
even if I’m not close, from afar
I’ll call out—I love you, I love you,
I love you. You’ll hear
my voice from the distance, you’ll understand that I’m here, I love you, I love you. (I actually copied this part and just
changed it a little. I’m sure you can guess
which poem I’m talking about!)
My precious
little treasure, I love you, I love you so very much. For whatever reason, the fact that you sometimes think of me—this itself is my greatest fortune. It truly feels so
wonderful to read this. I want to embrace you tight and give you kisses. Mmmm… my
precious little treasure. No matter how many millions of times I tell you I love you, it still won’t fully express how much I do. Hey,
you don’t lie to me,
do you! When you say you love me,
is that also true? Do you really love me? That text you sent saying ‘I love you’—
I’ve been staring at
your message all this time. I was trying to convince my own eyes that I was really seeing it right! I feel like I don’t want anything else in life.
I loved you knowing you would never love me back. So even a drop
of your love feels like heaven in my hands.
I haven’t fallen in love with you gradually—no, I’ve fallen completely head over heels! Hehe. You’re having quite a laugh, aren’t you? “To get something precious, you must give up something precious.” That’s a line from Rokeya’s ‘Padmarag.’ Have you read it? It matches what you said. My darling, what are you doing to me? How much longer will you keep me at such a distance? How much more do you want to drive me crazy? I’m already mad. Won’t you give me just a little space in your heart? I won’t take up much room. I’ll curl up in that tiny space like a kitten. Hehe. Will you give me a little space? Do you know I’ve truly gone mad for you? I no longer exist in my own being—you’ve completely taken over. All the time I want to hold you close, to merge with your chest, to be so near that I can hear your heartbeat. Once, in a comment on one of your posts, I said, “There’s a perfect person for everyone. Either the heart fails to recognize them, or they come too late, when it’s no longer possible to have them.” You replied there, “I don’t know of any such thing. If you ever find such an example, let me know.” Something along those lines. I don’t remember it perfectly. Your other fans and followers gave me a proper thrashing there—thick-headed, know-it-all, why comment without understanding, where do these people come from… and so much more… as if they understood everything perfectly and I understood nothing. As if I’d committed some grave injustice by saying something contrary to what you said. I deleted the comment later. But I wasn’t wrong. You asked for an example that day. Today I’m giving you that example. You yourself are that example. You are my Mr. Perfect. I’ve told you so many times. But having you isn’t possible. What do you think? Did you get your example? But one thing—whenever you post something, whatever you write, I want to read it again and again. I know you always say and write the right things. But I feel like commenting the opposite, so you’ll get angry and fight with me. But where is it? You never fight! I want to quarrel with you. What could we fight about, tell me? You can do everything, can’t you? Can you do this too? Hehe!! (Something very important to tell you. Your blind fans will be the ones to bring trouble upon you. They won’t knowingly invite danger, they’ll do it unknowingly. Be a little careful.)
Listen, forget about me. You don’t need to think about me. Give time to your girlfriend (or girlfriends). I won’t mind anything, no problem at all. I’m going home today. I’ll come back after Eid. Take care.
My darling Tultul,
How are you? Tell me honestly—are you still terribly angry with me? Even now? I’ve been longing to write to you, but I couldn’t. My feelings kept getting tangled up somehow. It feels as if I’ve lost the very right to love you. The ache for you keeps building in my chest, yet I can’t bring myself to say I love you. It’s as though you’re slowly drifting away, farther and farther, to some distant place. All I can do is watch. Even wanting to touch you feels like an audacity on my part.
But truly! I love you terribly, yet somewhere I’ve lost the courage to tell you so. Even though I miss you all day long, even though I’m restless for you, I can’t tell you even once how much I miss you! If only it could be that you’d never know I love you at all! Then I could love you however I pleased, in whatever way made me happy. I’d never hurt, there’d be no chance for misunderstandings, no fear, no weakness—nothing. Why did I tell you everything! I’m filled with such regret, you know? Suddenly I seem to understand just how much I can suffer for you! And I’m afraid of feeling this pain again. But I also know there’s no point in being afraid—I’ll have to feel it. When you love someone, you pay the price in suffering! Still, I can promise you this—perhaps I won’t do these foolish things anymore.
When I’m angry with someone, the first thing I do is delete all their photos from my phone, then I delete all their messages, then their contact number. That night I couldn’t sleep at all—I kept staring at your photos. I felt so helpless. That day I had told you, hadn’t I, that lately you feel so much like family to me? When someone close hurts you, the pain is a hundred times worse. That’s why the next day I deleted all your photos too. So I wouldn’t have to suffer seeing you anymore. Now I think what a foolish thing I did! There was nothing worth suffering over. You were never mine, you’re not mine now, and you never will be.
Besides, there are other things left unsaid, things I realize even if I can’t tell you.
Your scent draws me so powerfully, you know? It creates an intoxicating spell. If I could have just that much, it would be more than enough! I promise you—I love you, but I won’t overstep any boundaries because of it. I won’t be foolish anymore, and I won’t be presumptuous either. If necessary, I simply won’t say that I love you, that I miss you, at all. The truth is, I can’t find peace in anything. I feel like I’ve caused you far too much pain.
Baby, aren’t you asleep yet? Hey, will you give me your photos? I want to see them… give me all the photos you have on your phone, I’ll sit and look at them all day long, so they never end!
Won’t you give them? Where are you?
You’ve completely forgotten me.
Meowwwwww! Very busy, aren’t you? I think of you all day long. I don’t want to think of you,
but still I do. I miss you so much, my baby. I love you… what are you doing with that tobacco tin beside you? Give me a photo of you chewing paan! Sorry. Just saying. You looked so cute in that photo, that’s why I saved it. I can’t
forget you no matter what. I feel bad about myself when I see I’m bothering you too much. So sometimes I stay quiet, but I keep following
you all day anyway. You’ve forgotten me completely though. Hey, where are you? Okay fine, sorry for misunderstanding. I don’t have any value to you, do I? You give more priority
to everyone in the world except me. When I have no value at all, then what’s the point anymore!
Stay well! Even if I die, I’ll never come to you again. Absolute promise! Happy?
You won’t send me any more messages. You won’t block me anyway, so I’m doing it myself. Stay well. You and all your
girlfriends. Thank you so much for all this fake acting all this time. I’ve learned my
lesson now. My usefulness is over now, isn’t it? You keep humiliating me for her sake, you keep
avoiding me for her sake. You know who she is. Don’t
pretend not to understand. What do you think of me? That you can humiliate me as you please because I act shameless? Do you think I’m some kind of animal? I won’t be able to sleep tonight. If tomorrow never
came to my life, it would have been so good. I couldn’t have been happier about
anything else. You’ll pamper her, hold her close, while avoiding me. I can’t
accept it. Not at all. I’m really in so much pain. I can see that you can’t understand even a little bit. I’m telling you all this
for nothing. Sorry sorry sorry sorry. Why don’t you just block me. Otherwise I’ll keep saying
such nonsense. Please do it, pleeeease!
I am in terrible pain. How much, I can’t even begin to explain to you. More than if someone set fire to a living body. You’ve seen funeral pyres, haven’t you? The girl in your story “Living on the Pyre” suffered when she married—well, I’m suffering just as much by not marrying, even by not having you. If I could take pills and sleep, that would be wonderful. I’d sleep for 4-5 days straight. But sleeping pills don’t work on me! I used to tell you every day, baby, I want to come see you so badly, I’d say every day, I miss you terribly. Last week you ignored me, I wanted to come on Sunday, but you refused that too. For how many days had I been asking you, are you free this weekend? You said yes, free. Then you didn’t give me any time, went off somewhere else instead! All this time I’ve been pleading with you, but you gave my words no importance at all. Will you still say you didn’t avoid me to spend time with someone else? If you break a promise to her, she’ll be hurt, but if you refuse me, I won’t be hurt? You only saw her pain. Fine, maybe you don’t like me, but don’t my emotions and pain have any value to you? Why are you so cruel? But you’re the one who indulged me so much! You don’t know how every moment passes for me, just wanting to catch a glimpse of you. Do you love her that much? Can’t even all my pain touch you the slightest bit?
Until yesterday I thought that maybe if I weren’t here, or if I moved away, you might remember me a little. But I see now what a fool I really am. I didn’t realize I was just like any random person on the street to you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gone crazy like this for you. You make me cry, you hurt me, then shower your affection on her. She’s everything to you—what am I? Just a nobody! There’s no point suffocating to death for someone who places no value on you at all.—That’s what you said, isn’t it? From today I’ll try to forget you. To live by staying away from you. To ignore all the pain you’ve given me. There are so many people who love you. My insignificant love won’t matter to you at all, no matter how great it is! In exchange for love, one must always suffer.
Dawn broke into morning. Maybe you’ll wake up soon, and I still can’t sleep. Suppose today I disappear forever. Maybe you’ll forget me. But I won’t be able to forget you. You’re mixed with my blood. I’ll stay away, but I’ll still love you. I love you, be well. Why are you hurting me so much? Forget it, never mind. I won’t say anything more. You won’t understand why I’m in such pain. One thing. Do you remember when my birthday is? That first day, while eating, you playfully said that since I’m five months older than you, I’d be like a big sister in our relationship. Do you remember saying that? Probably not. I remember. You don’t remember anything. No, I’m wrong. You don’t remember anything about me. That’s better. Good morning, baby. I love you.
Why do you tell me to
rest? You pamper her and
tell me to rest, don’t you? I’ve become so unwell in just one night. Tomorrow, the day after, and then… how will I survive? I’m trying so hard to
control myself. What will I do if I can’t? Do you think I’m choosing to suffer? This turned out just wonderful, didn’t it? I’ve learned my limits. I’ll never again
dream impossible dreams about you. And you don’t love me anyway, darling. Don’t ever tell me that
lie again. Do my words sound
foolish to you? Which part sounds foolish to you? Fine, go on then. I won’t disturb you two anymore. Have you noticed something? You’ve been making your little kitten
cry constantly these past few days. For days now you’ve been
hurting me deliberately. Haven’t you? Can’t you really
understand anything at all? Maybe I’m
overreacting and scolding you. I know you have many girlfriends. That’s not the point. But
you’re ignoring me, avoiding me, giving someone else more
priority. I’m not saying that sleeping with someone means all your love for me is finished. Sleeping with someone and
loving someone are two completely
different things. A man sleeping with someone doesn’t increase or decrease love. I want to remain in your love,
not your lust. Keep whoever you want for lust; I beg you, never keep her in love. I’m telling you, you don’t love me at all. Who am I to you really,
tell me? Your girlfriend? Then who is she? Another girlfriend? Forget it. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I keep rambling on. Maybe I’ve gone
crazy. Who do you actually love? Or do you love no one at all? I know
you find such nagging unbearable. You neither give pain to anyone nor take it. That’s
your nature. Don’t take offense. I spoke the truth. Please
forgive me. My whole
life has been spent suffering. Maybe I don’t share with anyone. But there’s been so much
regret and hurt in my life. I can’t take troubles and torment like you do. You’re putting me through
all this, and it’s
torturing me mentally far too much. Please, forgive me. I’m actually a very sorrowful person. Acting like a fool. I never let anyone understand
my pain. I cry in secret. Maybe you don’t know this. I’m ashamed to tell you
all this. I don’t feel good about it. Sorry, darling. I hate telling anyone these things. Now I feel disgusted with myself. I didn’t understand that loving you would increase my suffering so much. Please, forgive me. I won’t say such things anymore. Baby,
sorry…..this……
I’m fine.
Nothing’s wrong. Please don’t be hurt. If it comes to that,
let me be the one who gets hurt, just don’t
suffer yourself. I didn’t understand. I made a mistake, but I never meant to hurt you. You know my mentality is just like a child’s. I truly
didn’t realize you’d be hurt. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I really went too far. Baby love,
please, sorry! Please forgive me! Meowwwwwwww! Sorry. Hee
hee hee. But I really do love you so much. No matter how much I argue, say the wrong things, this isn’t a lie. Please don’t misunderstand. Did you eat this morning? Hey, listen……sweetheart, I’m missing you terribly. I feel so alone.
It feels like I have no one.
You’re not checking my messages, you’re watching a movie.
Ustad Hotel. Does that make any sense? Will the movie run away? What if I died today,
then what? Why don’t you reply to my messages? You don’t even answer the phone. I’m watching a movie too. Premam.
I slept for a long time. I had messaged you, called you. You didn’t even
pick up! Why are you like this? Why am I like this?
Funny thing,
I was angry at you so I watched three
movies. Bangalore Days. Drishyam. Charlie. Slept. Now I’m watching another one. It’s not what
you think. You think
I’m crying my heart out for you,
drowning in tears. Hee hee hee. Now I’m watching ‘Shesh Anko’. How many more will I watch? At least one more after this…Chiriyakhana, by Satyajit Ray. Miss you, little sweetheart……..I’m afraid of my own drama, yet I’m the one putting myself through endless
drama. You’ve hurt me as much as you’ve
humiliated me. Baby, I miss you so much, and I’m hurting so much because of you. Not even a
second passes for me, each second feels like an
eternity. That’s why my words probably sound rude. I realize it myself.
I keep trying to reason with myself. Yet I end up treating you this way. Sorry, darling……I don’t want to hurt you.
Before I knew you, I didn’t have even one percent jealousy in me. And now……actually, jealousy doesn’t work within you. It’s not a lack of love, it’s your
nature. But it works in me. Now it does. I’ve told you this before. Are you angry with me? Are you angry with me? Sorry……hey, listen……
Are you very
angry with me? Very much so?
Even when you’re angry you don’t
show it, but I can tell just fine. Then I think, no, I won’t do this anymore. The very next moment I forget again. I treat you
badly. Then when you get hurt, I get furious with myself. I hurt you
so much. Sorry, baby, extremely sorry. I feel terrible when I treat you
like this. You suffer because I behave this way, and I suffer double—mine and yours both. When you love someone, you have to bear this double suffering.
You won’t understand this. You don’t love me, after all. I’m way too
emotional. An emotional fool. Why am I like this? How can I change myself, tell me?