Don't Let Me Drown

Cheap people are like cheap cigarettes. Just as a cheap cigarette is sold on every street corner, you don't have to go far to find one—they're just like that too: turn your head and you'll find them, reach out your hand and you'll get them. You know how people smoke cheap cigarettes, don't you? Out of sheer habit they pull one from the pack, quickly light it up, and finish it off while puffing away. When it's done, no worries—there are more in the pack. Sometimes you don't even feel like finishing the whole thing; you can toss it away half-smoked without a care. Cheap in price, even cheaper in quality. I'm smoking a cigarette—that bit of comfort or necessity is enough, nothing more. As you drop the fully or half-smoked cigarette on the ground and crush it under your foot, the next one is already peeking out before your eyes. Not an ounce of regret stirs in your heart. When you take another, smoke half of it, and crush that one under your heel too, and the rest stare blankly at you, suddenly you'll think—Damn it! Why am I smoking so much of this cheap stuff? What's the point? I don't even want to finish a whole one! I don't even think for two minutes before tossing it away! Smoking cheap cigarettes is making me cheap myself! Damn!

Say your heart wants to smoke an expensive cigar. Just wanting it won't get you one. Maybe you don't have enough money in your pocket, or even if you do, those cigarettes (I mean cigars) aren't available everywhere. You can only find them at a couple of specific shops. If you want to leisurely puff on an expensive brand cigar or cheroot, whatever you call it, you need both the means and the desire to buy it; you also need to know where to get it. Expensive things aren't found on street corners. Expensive things are always limited edition items. And there's more. After lighting it properly, when you take that first delicious drag, you'll want to do it very slowly, especially if it's the first cigar you've ever smoked in your life. Eyes closed, in the cool breeze, with a serene mind, slowly and peacefully finishing such a cigar—nothing compares to that joy. You might not even be able to buy a whole pack; you'll just buy one or two. You won't feel like immediately lighting up the next one; you'll feel a kind of tenderness, wanting to save it for later. If you can't finish one completely, you'll extinguish it and carefully save it for later. You'll think, ah, I got my money's worth from just this one! A cigar burns slowly, and you'll want life to end slowly too.

Expensive cigars are hard to find and hard to buy. You want to take your time, savor them leisurely; you don't want to rush through and toss them away. You keep thinking, let it stay...a little longer, just a bit more time!...let it remain near me for a while longer...A good cigarette gives birth to a good memory. An expensive cigar gives birth to an expensive story. The price of the smoke drawn into your mouth sets the price of that breath. Along with the price of that breath, the price of life itself rises or falls. The feeling that arises in your heart from smoking such a cigarette or cigar just once, for the first and last time, cannot be matched by a million cheap cigarettes. Cheap cigarettes come in cheap packs, rise to cheap hands. Expensive cigars come in expensive packs, rise to expensive hands. If you want to smoke expensive cigars, you must first make yourself expensive or learn to think expensively. It wasn't born to be sold at roadside betel shops. It wasn't born to die half-smoked under someone's foot. After eating at a restaurant, between two people of equal financial means, the one who tips the waiter five taka and the one who tips twenty taka—the worth of their hearts is never the same.

An expensive person is exactly like that expensive cigar. You won't get them just by reaching out your hand. If you want their company, you must first pay the price of their time. They won't give you time just because you want it; they won't give it even if they have time to spare. Why should they, tell me? Are you thinking, what if I don't care about them? You have to care, brother! To plow a field you need an ox; you can't plow with a goat. The work of one genius cannot be done even by a million talented people. Sadly, that time usually cannot be bought with money. The expensive things in the world are always more expensive than money. You have to burn a lot of wood and coal if you want to get those things. The best things in the world cannot be obtained just by spending money. Someone whose time you can easily afford to pay for—you'll almost always find their time isn't much use to you. Whose time requires nothing to obtain, their time serves no real purpose. The very best things aren't born in abundance. Have you ever seen a tiger giving birth to dozens of cubs like mice? People want to hear themselves called "tiger's cub" from others' mouths, but your performance or behavior is like that of a mouse's offspring. Can that work? A tiger cub's friend is another tiger cub; a tiger cub never befriends a mouse's offspring. This much...you have to understand!

Footnote. I don't smoke. The story of my first and last cigarette, taking a few drags, goes like this: On our rag day, at night, all my friends took me to the roof of what was then CUET's 'New Hall'. Four or five of them held me down and tried to force me to smoke, because I absolutely refused to agree to smoke a cigarette. The others were saying, "Sushanta has to smoke a cigarette today. Bastard, (they actually used a word starting with a 'ch' sound for the address) you can't finish your honors without smoking a cigarette—what kind of talk is that?" I was literally having trouble breathing then. I told my friends, "Okay, okay. I'll smoke it myself, you don't have to make me. Let me go." "Really?" "Yes, promise! I'll smoke." They let me go. Then taking that lit Benson in my hand, I said, "How do you smoke this thing?" One of my very close friends said, "Put the filter in your mouth, draw the smoke in through your mouth and swallow it, then let it out through your nose." I put it in my mouth and puffed out my cheeks. Seeing me, they said, "Yes, yes, now swallow it and let it out through your nose!" I couldn't. I let it out through my mouth instead, and it made me cough terribly. "Hey, you lady! You have to smoke this cigarette! Smoke, smoke it again!" "You're worse than women! Don't you feel ashamed? We'll have to tell so-and-so (I didn't mention the name for obvious reasons) to teach you smoking!" I was really trying, but I couldn't do it. After trying like this three or four times, the friend who was the leader type among our group said, "Leave it, let him go. The poor guy is suffering. Sushanta, then you'll have to drink. Agreed?" "Yes, yes, I'll definitely drink, no problem. Actually, I can't smoke this, I tried though, buddy!"

This is the history of my first and last cigarette (I mean active, not passive smoking, of course!) smoking experience. I couldn't do it that day, and never felt like it again later. This is why I don't smoke. Smoking is neither good nor bad; it's just a habit. I've seen that for those who smoke, the pleasure of one cigarette is much, much more than the pleasure of a plate of biryani. I had a friend who could give up eating rice if needed, but couldn't give up smoking cigarettes even if he died. Cancer, corona—these are all trivial matters compared to cigarettes. Not having cigarettes in his pocket was an impossible occurrence. He'd be willing to sell his girlfriend for the price of cigarettes—that's the kind of guy he was. If anyone asked him "What's your aim in life?", he'd say, "To taste every brand of cigarette in this world at least once." So, while writing this piece, I called him. (When you want to stay alive, you never know when you might need whom!) Getting a call from a friend after so long, he was overjoyed! I found out about cigarette prices from him. I used to think there were cigarettes costing one hundred to one hundred fifty taka! Later I learned, no, cigarettes don't cost that much, but cigars or cheroots do. Cigars costing a thousand taka are sold in some shops, and you won't find such things everywhere. I remembered when I had my gift shop 'Dobhana', I used to keep cigars costing three to four hundred taka in my shop, and many people would come just to buy cigars. When I first told that friend the name and meaning of my shop, after saying it several times, he understood the name and burst out laughing, saying, "Oh I see, I heard it from people's mouths and thought it was 'Dubaiya-na'—how can that be a shop name!"