Atharva's Morning Journal

When one's captivity dwells in the mind itself, where lies the path to freedom?

Today I am imprisoned. Despair, disillusionment, deprivation, torment. And more besides—doubt and obstruction. All of it together ceaselessly unmakes me. I am in disarray; my work is in disarray. I remain where I am, even knowing I must leave this place. I search for an escape, though I know that even if I find the way, I may not have the strength to take it.

All that is fine in me is slipping away, piece by piece. Everything I once knew, I am forgetting now. My mind is consumed by a single anxiety: where does this captivity end?

Sometimes I open the window. I think, let some air come in, let me breathe a little. The air enters, it feels good, and I wish to live. The next moment, everything returns as it was. Sometimes I do not even have it in me to open the window. How the days pass, I cannot quite say. I wake from sleep and feel utterly powerless. I want to break the circle around me and let some people draw near. Yet I cannot. Fear alone holds me. Again and again I think: people come close only to cause pain. And so I stay as I was. The sleeping pills stare at me, unblinking.

One day all will be well. This is my dream. One day this captivity will be no more. Then I will wander freely. My heart and mind together will carry me to that place where, having arrived, people will call me human. I dream of becoming human in the eyes of others.

Now only one path remains open: I must escape.