Anger Management

Question: Brother, I wanted to know something about anger management. If I'm truly a very angry person by nature, how do I control my anger? Many people tell me I have too much anger. I watch countless motivational videos, yet even after watching them, I can't control my anger at all. I've even seen a psychiatrist, taken counseling, but my anger management isn't working in any way. I'm given sleeping pills to cool my head. I take them and sleep for two days. The day after, I can't even move around. From the fourth day, my anger starts again. So I'm just kept in sleep—that's how my anger is controlled. But nothing actually gets done about anger management. So brother, how important is it to control anger in life? How negative is the word 'anger'? How much does anger affect life, relationships, and career?

Answer: Anger actually takes people down good paths too. Much of what I've achieved in life, I've gotten through anger. Though we don't call it anger—it's essentially determination. The anger you direct at yourself is determination. The anger you direct at others is called rage. Rage destroys you, while determination takes you far in life.

Suppose someone tells you, "You can't possibly do this work!" If their words anger you into being inspired to do something good, something difficult, something challenging, then that anger is called determination. Meaning you've taken their words very seriously, as a challenge, and that challenge is pushing you from within. Now if there's such determination, if someone tells you, "I don't love you!" and you respond, "What do you mean you don't love me! Your father will love you! I'll show you how to live without loving me!"—this kind of anger will give you nothing in life. This anger will destroy you. This obstinacy will destroy you. We understand this, of course. Everyone understands it to some degree, though many of us can't follow it in time.

So the anger that awakens a person from within, that energizes them from within, that ignites them from within—that anger is good. Now, the behavior we exhibit toward others from anger or rage, the decisions we make—these almost always destroy relationships, lead us toward wrong decisions, make us lose our dignity, and expose us to many kinds of harm. That anger can be controlled in many ways! Different people control anger in different ways! I can mention a couple! When you're getting angry at someone, whatever you feel like saying, whatever you feel like reacting, whatever you feel like doing—force yourself to remain still. Force your mouth to stay shut. If it happens that they're standing or sitting right in front of you, positioned before you, and you simply can't control yourself, then please remove yourself from that person's presence. Take yourself to another room, take yourself a little distance away. You can open the door and go out for a walk, no problem! But you must somehow remove yourself from that source of anger!

You must not react in intense anger. The words a person speaks when angry—the person they're speaking to usually assumes these are probably their true thoughts, takes those words seriously most of the time, and after taking them seriously, ends up misunderstanding that person. The words you speak in anger, the words we speak in anger—each of these is actually spoken by our ego. I myself don't speak; my ego speaks. The pride within me, what English calls the ego—that prideful self speaks. I write a series called 'Unclear Journal'; it's mainly psychological writing, where I've discussed much about these matters. If anyone is interested in psychology, they can read the 'Unclear Journal' series; you'll find it in the 'Psychology & Philosophy' section on my website.

So as I was saying, when a person speaks in anger, they speak from their prideful self. The person they're speaking to receives those words very seriously, and those words naturally wound them. But I, speaking those words, think that perhaps they'll receive the words, I'm shaking off the pain in my heart, and by receiving those words they'll understand their mistake. But when people get angry, they generally don't understand their own mistakes—they try to make their ego win, and to make one's ego win, we cannot receive the words another person is speaking to us. Those words simply cannot be received easily. We receive those words through a reactive process. That is, the process that helps me react. Ultimately, no solution is reached.

Another thing we must keep in mind: from the position where I'm standing and showing my anger, from the position where I'm standing and speaking these words, those words might be correct in that place! But the person I'm angry with—say I'm angry with my father—my father is also right in his position; if instead of being a son I were a father, then perhaps I would think exactly as my father is thinking! If instead of being myself I were that person, then I would have all kinds of justifications for their position! I would think exactly like that! I must keep this in mind. If I keep this in mind, what will happen is that my relationship with the person I'm angry with—this mutual relationship—will survive. To save that relationship, I must step away from the intoxication of making my inner self win, the desire to win, the irrepressible eagerness to win. If I can step away from there, we can actually remove ourselves from many unwanted situations.

Every storm in the world stops sometime. No matter how terrible the storm, it stops eventually. These causes that created the anger will also stop sometime. Then, when they stop, the words I'm speaking now—perhaps I'll regret those words later! I'll feel sad thinking about those words! Therefore, instead of speaking those words, removing oneself from this place seems wise to me. And in this case, if one can remain a little quiet, keep oneself quiet, then perhaps one can be freed from many troubles quite easily.