Your Absence

: My absence... it won't pain you, will it, Neer?
: Why do you say it like that?
: This addiction to writing feelings about you—it grows stronger each day.
: I scolded you so much... now I feel terrible about it myself.
: The pain that grows from your discipline, from time to time—I deserved it.
: I really... I didn't mean to speak to you that way.
: If I had you, I could have done anything in this life. Couldn't I? Look now—I can't manage it. Thinking of you, I can write this much; never before has this been possible for me.
: The pure feeling you hold in your heart for me—it's beyond my imagination.
: What will come of all this, tell me? I can't even wish to make you mine. I never wanted this utter helplessness, Neer. You should just leave... staying like this will only increase my torment. I am so unwanted—I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
: If I leave... how will you write about me then, Tithi?
: I don't know... I'll die. I'll never be able to write about you again. But I don't want to keep adding to this pain by looking into your eyes like this.
: Each time I read your writings, I've been deeply worn away by the awareness of your feelings.
: Can you keep me in your heart this way?
: I can.
: I'll never forget—how much time you've given me. In every moment spent with you, I found myself, Neer. This melody won't remain... these days will merge into darkness. I know I'm not yours.

: I'm going to gather courage and call you today. Let's see what happens... you won't answer! You'll cut my call—fine, go ahead.
: I never forbade you. You yourself never called me.
: I can't do those things. Maybe I can handle many things—but I've only been able to keep you deep in my heart. There's nothing new to lose of you, nothing to win back either. I love you—that's why I can't separate you from myself.
: I've rarely seen anyone with such strange thinking as yours.
: That's just how I am. My love for you is terrifyingly intense—you can't even imagine.
: I've been able to sense something of it.
: I'll never want to hold you back, yet I want... only me to fill your entirety. Someday, somehow, you'll remember me intensely—that is my love.
: Your insight is remarkably sharp, Tithi. Speaking silently with you, I've mastered many things.