I have a story that only I know. Of course, such stories usually remain untold. What would be the point of telling it anyway? Still, I’ve kept it buried for so long! It’s as if I’ve been carrying the unbearable punishment of not being able to reveal it for ages! How much longer? My heart wants to write down everything I feel, yet I’m also afraid. I don’t know what that fear is about. The next moment I think, what harm could come from breaking through all this hesitation? My Creator knows I am innocent. To this day, I haven’t been able to share this matter with anyone. But how much longer can I keep hiding it? I too long to pour everything out and feel lighter! I’m utterly exhausted from the pain of not being able to speak!
I am just an ordinary girl from a lower-middle-class family. In our family, girls are married off very early. But armed with an intense desire to study and boundless courage, after many battles against my family, I got admitted to study Bengali at a college affiliated with the National University. No one stood by me except my father. I came to live in the hostel in 2007. In the early days, my elder brother would give me 1000 taka each month, which made it terribly difficult to manage my hostel life, but somehow I was getting by. I was always attentive in class. My results were good too. For the crime of enrolling in honors, many of my relatives and local people said harsh things to my father. My mother and father would regularly quarrel about my studies. Since my father was a gentle-natured man, my uncles also humiliated him greatly. Father never said anything to anyone—at dusk, he would sit in the easy chair placed in a corner of the veranda and silently shed tears. I often saw my father crying from a distance. When I approached, he would hide his tears and speak to me with a smile, placing his hand on my head. How many dreams my father had for me! I would sit quietly at his feet and listen, and perhaps unconsciously a tear or two would fall from my eyes—hidden from my father’s gaze. I could sense that my father seemed to understand yet not understand at all. Only the silent evening bore witness to this performance between father and daughter. It was then that I made a promise to myself: I would finish my studies and take the BCS exam. I would become a BCS cadre and silence everyone in my family and locality. My father would be able to take pride in me—I would hold my father’s head high in front of everyone! I wasn’t a particularly bad student. My father and my teachers believed that if I tried, I could surely achieve something good.
But alas, hope—it’s nothing but a mirage!
It was 2008 or 2009. I was in my second year then. In December, I met someone. He happened to be a distant relative of mine. The introduction was over the phone. Before that, I was doing quite well. I stayed busy with my studies. I fought every moment to fulfill my father’s dreams. Apart from studies, I had no other worries on my mind. We began talking on the phone. As we talked, we grew fond of each other. That’s when we learned we were relatives. At first, we had spoken as strangers. Later, after discovering our connection, we realized there would be no problem if we entered into a relationship. Throughout January, we talked on the phone almost constantly. He proposed to me toward the end of January. Though I wanted to, I didn’t say yes. Two days before Valentine’s Day, he proposed again, and I accepted two days later.
Our relationship was going well. He was an excellent student. They were two brothers, no sisters. He studied at Sher-e-Bangla Agricultural University, in the Agriculture department. We were a year apart in age; I was in second year, he in third. We had a beautiful understanding between us. It wasn’t just love—there was mutual respect and profound trust. During that time, marriage proposals kept coming to our house. As I mentioned before, girls in our family were married off at a very young age. So my parents were under pressure regarding my marriage too. It’s the way of this society—everyone joins forces to marry off girls as if that absolves them of responsibility! Whether the girl lives or dies after marriage is nobody’s headache or responsibility. Anyway, when I told him about the marriage proposals coming my way, he would become very upset, even cry. Later, despite my repeated protests, he informed his family that if he were to marry, he would only marry me. His family told him that once he finished his studies and got a job, they would arrange our marriage. Though I forbade it outwardly, I was secretly very happy about what he had done. My love and faith in him grew even stronger.
As a result, both families came to know about it. Some approved, others didn’t. He told me that since we couldn’t live without each other, there was no question of either of us marrying anyone else! “You convince your family, and I’ll convince mine.” Following his words, I informed my family that I wouldn’t marry anyone but him. I told them at home that I would finish my studies first, then we would marry. Even after that, my family tried many times to arrange my marriage, but I didn’t let it happen. Again and again I said that as long as there was breath in this body, if I married, it would only be him—otherwise I would never marry at all………I kept my word.
In first year, my brother used to pay my expenses, but he stopped in second year. My father had a modest government job. After managing all the family expenses, he would give me 1500 taka each month. I was already earning 1300 taka from two tutoring jobs. I had to manage all my expenses—A to Z—within this money. My books, notebooks and pens, photocopies and handouts, clothes, cosmetics—everything had to be managed from that amount. And from whatever was left, I had to save some to buy her little gifts, or I couldn’t find peace. After all expenses and paying for my mess bill, whatever money remained, I’d use that to talk to her on the phone, and with the rest I’d buy her something small each month, even if it was inexpensive. She’d get angry about this sometimes, but giving her gifts brought me such contentment. All in all, things were going well. When she fell ill, she would only cry and want to see me. I would console her with much patience and reasoning. She had asked me many times to visit her university. She had a friend there. She herself introduced me to this girl. That girl would also tell her, “Bring Sonam for a visit, she can stay with me, there won’t be any problem.” But the opportunity never arose, so I never went. She was very emotional, quite impulsive. If we had even the slightest misunderstanding, she would cut her hands, take sleeping pills. She would cry so much that she’d fall sick from weeping. I couldn’t bear to see her suffering.
One night we suddenly had a fight. As usual, she started crying and screaming, and swallowed several sleeping pills. Eventually we both realized that perhaps this was happening because we hadn’t seen each other for so long. Her third-year exams were going on then. She told me, “I want to see you tomorrow, no matter what!” We both decided to meet halfway between our two cities. The plan was that I would meet her and return the same day, but………
We were supposed to meet in Bogura. I went from Dinajpur, she came from Dhaka. The two of us sat in a restaurant for a couple of hours talking, having lunch. Afterward, I told her, alright, I’ll take the 3 o’clock bus back. Hearing this, she whispered in my ear, you have to stay with me today. I said, what do you mean? Stay where? The answer came: in a hotel. I was stunned! I still remember—I couldn’t speak for several moments. I just kept sweating. What had I just heard! I asked, do you expect something from me? If you do, I’m sorry. Then some silence. She broke that silence herself. I don’t understand all that—will you stay or not, just tell me. Just yes or no! Her words threw me into turmoil. On one side was my love, on the other my conscience. After much thought, I told her, alright, I’ll stay, but on one condition. She wanted to hear the condition. I said, come on, let’s get married first, then go to the hotel. She said, where will I get money for marriage now? Will the qazi perform the ceremony for free? She truly didn’t have that much money then. (Though even if she had, I realize now she wouldn’t have married me that day.) After much back and forth, she stubbornly said that if I didn’t stay, she wouldn’t take her exam the day after tomorrow. I loved her desperately. So I couldn’t bear the thought of any harm coming to her. Finally, I gave her a condition: I’ll stay, but you absolutely cannot touch me. She agreed to my condition. Afternoon slipped into evening. We wandered around a park together. When dusk fell, we checked into a hotel together. She freshened up, I did too. She had never frightened me before, but that day she terrified me. I loved her so much, yet that day my heart kept trembling inside my chest. That trembling hasn’t stopped even today! Even as I write this now, my hands are shaking. I cannot express in words what I had dragged myself into that day!
I was trembling inside, but I didn’t let her understand anything. We were talking. I was talking while keeping some distance from her. After dinner, around eleven at night, we lay down on two separate beds. She kept trying to do something with me every now and then, I paid no attention to it. Around half past twelve at night, she came to my bed. She began forcing herself on me. I resisted her fiercely. She told me, if someone doesn’t give me something today, how can I believe that person will ever be mine? After much struggle, she managed to overcome all my resistance. I made her promise that exactly one month from that date, on the same day, she would marry me. She agreed. In the name of love, I sacrificed my conscience and my chastity. That day she swore on her mother’s name that she would marry me. If she was lying, let her mother die. She loved her mother deeply. I was completely reassured by her words. Today I understand—whatever oaths boys might take in that particular moment are worth absolutely nothing.
The following month, on the same date, he asked me to meet him at the usual place. When I arrived, he said to me, “I couldn’t manage to get the money for the marriage registrar’s office. But listen, I will marry you—after all, both our families know about us. If we marry before I get a job, both our lives will be ruined.” He painted me dreams: once he passed his exams and got a job, he would use his first month’s salary to marry me and bring me home. He loved me so much that I blindly believed every word he said. I didn’t pressure him about marriage anymore. I thought, it’s only another year or two! Time will fly by. If I kept pestering him about marriage now, it would damage his career. We had an understanding between us—he would work outside, and I would manage the household. I thought, if I kept bothering him about marriage before he even got a job, how would our dreams ever come true?
Anyway, within a year we met like this 12 to 15 times at the hotel. After completing his honors, he took the BCS exam. He didn’t make it through the preliminary round the first time. He was doing his master’s then. I moved from third year to fourth year. After my third-year exams, I went home for a month’s break. During this time, he reduced his phone calls to me. We spoke very little, but we stayed in touch. I returned to my hostel. Suddenly I noticed he wasn’t the same as before. He had changed completely. I could no longer recognize him. The person who couldn’t think of anything without me was now telling me he wouldn’t speak to me for the next year! He was going to prepare for the BCS exam. I thought maybe he was just joking. Later I realized he was serious. Even when he took my calls, he would hang up within a minute or two. When I called back right away, I’d get a busy signal… When I asked him about it, he’d say he was talking to a friend about studies. I believed everything he told me.
Gradually I began to understand that he was starting to ignore me. Occasionally he would send me pictures of beautiful girls. He’d say, “Look, how does she look?” I would say, “Good.” Hearing this, he would laugh. From the day I was first with him in that hotel, I couldn’t be well anymore. My conscience tormented me constantly. I couldn’t study. But I never let him understand this. Another thing always worried me: if he didn’t marry me now, what would happen to me? One day, unable to bear it anymore, I told him straight out: if you ever forget me, then I will either commit suicide or remain alone for the rest of my life. He would tell me, “My crazy girl, my darling, my little bird, don’t worry, I’m here! Just let me get this job! Then you’ll see what I do!” Hearing this, I would once again tie my heart to hope and dreams.
Whatever he said with his mouth, he slowly began destroying our relationship. When he passed the BCS preliminary exam on his second attempt, he was the first to tell me the news. He said, “Now we’ll get married, you’ll see!” Hearing this, I became overjoyed. He started studying for the BCS written exam. That’s when the worst tensions in our relationship began. During our tumultuous relationship, the BCS written results came out. He passed. He reassured me again, “Don’t worry, we will definitely get married.” But I had already understood—he wasn’t actually going to marry me. The written exam results changed him completely. He started acting as if he’d already gotten the job! Something inside me kept warning me over and over—what he’s saying is a lie. Whether the person you love is telling the truth or lying, your sixth sense always knows! But alas, a woman’s heart—can it ever recognize the grave before death comes? I kept telling my mind that what Rahul was saying was true!
Before the BCS viva, he completely cut off all contact with me. Only the Creator knows how I spent every moment of those days. I called him every day, but he would either cut my calls or had blacklisted my number. Exactly four months later, one night at 2:30 AM, he called me. Even the moment before his call, I had been thinking about him! He said he couldn’t contact me because he was busy running around for job exams. He apologized profusely. We talked for seventeen days. During those days, he treated me wonderfully. Then he said he wanted to meet. Forgetting everything, I went to Dhaka to see him.
That time he said to me, “Sonam, if I ask you for something, will you give it to me?” I said, “Of course I will! Tell me, what do you want?” He asked me for a child. He said, “The results will come in just a few more days. My exam went very well. I’m confident I’m getting the job. Right after that, I’ll marry you. Let’s say, at most in another month we’ll be married. So there’s no obstacle to having a child. In fact, it’ll make our bond even stronger! You know, I really want a daughter. You like daughters too. I’ve even decided on our daughter’s name—Mehelika. Do you know what ‘Mehelika’ means? Like the moon. Beautiful name, isn’t it?” I felt like no one had ever said anything more beautiful to me! I felt like I was dreaming! Everything seemed dreamlike. Looking at him, he seemed like the world’s greatest father, and I felt incredibly lucky. I thought, oh, how happy I am! How blissfully life will pass holding his hand! I did what he asked me to do.
After that, our relationship was quite sweet for a while. His BCS results came out. He became an Agriculture Officer through the quota system. Since I couldn’t reach him by phone, I sent a text to congratulate him. Suddenly I discovered I was on his blacklist again! I kept calling continuously, just to have a word with him. But I couldn’t reach him at all. My number was blacklisted, and when I called from other numbers, the moment he heard my voice he’d cut the call and block that number too. I truly couldn’t understand what was happening!………Alas, that was reality! Whether we accept it or not, reality remains reality!
He would never unblock my number, not even by mistake. I kept trying every moment to speak with him a little. Still, I waited for him. I thought, one day or another he would realize his mistake and come back to me! No one could ever love him more than I did. How could he survive without my love? Everything would be alright. I knew him! He was never like this! Our marriage would definitely happen! If my love was true, then I would surely get him! Out of deep faith, I hadn’t even destroyed the fetus of my unborn child! Again and again I felt he had promised me—after getting a job, he’d take me home as his wife. If not for me, then for Mehelika’s sake he would marry me! I had seen love for Mehelika in his eyes! I couldn’t be wrong! If he killed Mehelika, he would never forgive me!………I thought many such things, believed them. I hadn’t told my family that we no longer had a relationship. At home they knew everything was fine.
I was forced to tell them at home when he got married within two and a half months of getting his job. I learned that he had a three-and-a-half-year relationship with that girl. She was a senior officer at Sonali Bank.
The fetus in my womb was then sixteen weeks old. I was terribly ill at that time. Even walking was difficult, and mentally I was completely broken. I didn’t have the money for an abortion. I was forced to tell everything at home. I called my father and told him everything openly. Father couldn’t say anything to me. He only said, “Alright.” Within seconds of hanging up, Father had a heart attack and died. Within a week of Father’s death, Mother had a stroke. Her left side became completely paralyzed. She lay in bed all day, just staring at everyone with vacant eyes.
Since then, they can’t bear me at home anymore. Everyone blames me. They would, naturally. It’s been four years since his marriage. The two of them are very happy. They upload so many photos on Facebook, I watch them secretly. I spend every moment on his profile. Why I do this, I don’t know myself. I still believe he’ll come back to me. He will repent! Everything will be alright. I finished my Master’s in 2015. I’m still waiting. Waiting for what, I don’t know. I remember him more than I remember Father. This is actually happening! I truly can’t find any explanation for this! Perhaps I don’t even qualify as human! That’s the only explanation!
On her wedding day, I called her frantically, desperate to speak with her even for a moment. I couldn’t reach her no matter what I tried. I rolled on the ground, sobbing so violently it felt as if I would cry myself blind!
From that day until now, I have never called her again. Why haven’t I? Out of pride? Hahahaha… pride! I cannot forget her, cannot stop loving her no matter what. Without her, I cannot even imagine another man existing in my life.
It’s been a long time now. I get by on tutoring. I’ve applied for jobs, but never made it to Dhaka for the exams. Nothing brings me joy anymore. My family offers no support. I matter to no one. I remember how in 2015, forgetting everything else, I studied so hard for job exams, but when I sat for them, my mind went blank. Yet my coaching teachers kept betting on me, and they kept losing. My fate defeated them every time. By early 2016, I gave up studying for jobs entirely. My condition is so pitiful now that I no longer have the strength to stand up again. Those who passed SSC in 2002 can still apply for jobs by hiding their age, but even though my SSC was in 2004, my age limit for job applications ends this very year.
Those who love me worry deeply about the rest of my life. How I’ll manage, how my life will unfold—I don’t know myself, so how could they? She left my life and took with her all its colors. If only those who wound others could understand how deeply they hurt! What a profound wound I carry! I don’t know what will become of me! I feel such anguish for my mother. Mother was never at fault! It’s because of me that Ma lost everything! Ma never says anything to anyone, but when I approach her, she pulls me close and weeps. She holds me tight and won’t let go. When I look into her eyes then, it seems she doesn’t want to lose me, that’s why she grips me so fiercely! I burn constantly in the tears from Ma’s eyes.
I often think—nothing came of me, so what’s the point of living anymore? Sometimes I resolve to end it all, but when Ma’s serene, sacred face floats before my eyes, I return to life again. Who would care for Ma if I were gone? I had such hopes—to get a good job, to provide some comfort for my parents, to fulfill the dreams my father held when he went against all of society to educate me… Instead, I killed my father, crippled my mother, committed the gravest injustice against my own existence. Now nothing can ever be made right.
Still, I think—may she be happy, may she be well. If I could know she’s doing well, I would find peace. I live on this small consolation alone! I still pray for her! Why do I? Only the great Creator knows that answer.
I know stories like this happen all the time. Tales of lives ruined for love are nothing new. Perhaps love itself is just too cheap! Alas, this cheap thing has completely destroyed my life! When I was burning in the fire of anguish, I found no one beside me to offer a little comfort, show a little kindness, give me some encouragement to move forward, and extend a helping hand to say, “Nothing is over for you. Get up, little one! What do you mean your life is finished, silly girl—your life hasn’t even begun yet!” I found no one! No one stays by your side in times of suffering.
I have this burning desire to scream and ask—if those who are the country’s top civil servants can be so selfish, cruel, and deceitful, then how will this nation ever progress?
They conduct medical examinations before appointing people to the civil service—why don’t they examine the psychology of these officers?
I forgot to use the word “rape” in this cheap story of mine. In our society, men like Rahul are the biggest rapists! They rape the emotions of girls like us, gradually devour all our feelings, and eventually murder the healthy person within. They murder an entire living life in an instant and continue living with smiling faces! If such acts aren’t rape, then I demand—let rape be redefined!
Even today I keep wondering… what was my father trying to tell me with those words “It’s alright”!