Woven on the Thread of Solitude

I cannot talk to you. Yet so many words remain, thousands of words stored up, and I cannot bring myself to say them. You know, it feels so lonely. I talk only to myself, I listen only to myself, I stroke only my own head. I fight with myself and still don't send the message. I don't want to bother you for nothing anymore.

Life is so short anyway, it will pass somehow. How much neglect, how much mistreatment you've given me all these years. You'll see, I'll move beyond your reach. I'll never come back. You'll have such fun then, won't you? You won't be able to find me anymore, won't have to give me any time. I'm already quite beyond reach, just a few more days left. How happy you'll be when I'm gone—I really want to see that.

You've said so much to me, I've listened. You've been saying things since 2016. Yet no matter how much pain I'm in, I keep myself away from you. I never set foot on your path, never even think of setting foot there.

When I leave home after getting married, you're the only one I'll feel bad about leaving, I know. You won't understand this either. A person who stays so unwell—you never came to see me even once, and then you lectured me. You really can do that!

I don't consider you mine anymore, so I don't make demands... come, come... I used to ask you to come so often before. If I knocked on your door when I was sick, just to talk a little, you'd give me that same scolding, I know. In my whole life, I have nothing I can call my own except you—no one knows this but me.

I used to be afraid, thinking how would I survive without you, what would sustain me. Now it's been a long time, you're not here either. Still I'm hanging on, gritting my teeth. I won't complain. I don't usually walk with people. But I understand one thing—I won't be able to abandon you. Even if I go to another house, I won't be able to. Maybe I won't come to talk, but I won't abandon you, actually I won't be able to.

I can't do these things, brother. If I could, would you have been able to say all this to me? We won't meet, we won't talk, but I'll remain. I stay quiet—you don't even know this about me. This is how I am. I can't abandon someone halfway.

I know how alone you are, just like me. I know what you are. Take care.