Winter, Breath, and She

The only condition for reading this letter is this—you must accept yourself as a companion to my solitude and read my words in silence.

We had a mutual breakup. But it would be wrong to say this "mutual" separation happened with both our consent.
The truth is, loving someone so deeply, so intimately, is a kind of blessing—but as punishment for it, sometimes you must face harsh truths and choose solitude.

The fear of our relationship's decline that had taken root in my heart was perhaps mere coincidence.
Still, it didn't take long to understand.

Tell me, when does a person feel most helpless?
In my case, wanting love even after knowing my own limitations was the hardest thing.
You might wonder—does love really come through expectation?

I believe the feeling of love can never survive without expectation.
Love only expects moments, and it finds its refuge in the very depths of the soul.

I love her impossibly—but only mentally.
In relationships, understanding the difference between the physical and mental positions is truly difficult—nearly impossible.
Yet your presence is essential in both.

Besides, there's something called fantasy in relationships—I've heard.
Do you really need all that to love someone?

What if someone realizes after being physically intimate with the person they love—
that they no longer love them? What then?
The old attraction no longer works.
There's no more terrible, uncomfortable situation than this.

In that case, separation is the only path to freedom.

Of course, nothing like that happened in my case.
It couldn't have.
I'm not physically well.
But I had no trouble feeling her love.

Whatever happened, after our separation, please don't call this feeling "love" anymore.
It was a relationship where multiple people participated—that was inevitable.
I may have written with some anger; I apologize.

But don't be startled when you hear the reason for my suicide—
sit still!

I never had any relationship like that.
This was only love.
I never went to her hoping for extra opportunities.

Feelings don't come by force, they don't come suddenly—
they need deep emotion.
So there was no way but to love her.

Once I wrote her a letter claiming all my happiness—
every word as if written in blood.
And amazingly, she understood every single word.
In that very moment, an irresistible longing to have her was born within me.
As time passed, our two souls seemed to find each other.

Perhaps one day she wanted to stay very close.
But for some invisible reason, it wasn't possible.
That day I saw in her eyes—
a crowd of pain filled with hurt pride.

I've never seen such deep regret at not finding oneself in anyone else's eyes.
That very day I vowed—as long as this life lasts, I won't leave her.

Today, that vow has no value.
Because this life itself no longer wants to survive.

I want to tell you a secret—
I don't know you,
yet this letter comes from the wish that at least one person in this world should know the truth.
After reading this anonymous letter, I don't know what you'll feel—
but perhaps you won't be able to tell anyone either.

I don't know if you're a woman or man, young or old.
Still, I request that you burn this final writing of mine after reading it.

Know that my death is coming quite naturally.
I want her memory in this winter's bitter wind to be mine alone.
I have a respiratory disease—
which takes a terrible form in winter.
So perhaps you understand which path I'm walking.

This world is very strange, yet magical.
The person I love gave me impossible courage.
Yet I've lost, within myself.
If I had lived, perhaps I would have continued loving her from afar.

I only wanted—
for her to know that my love still has no shortage.
It cannot.

I know she'll perhaps search for me for a while.
Then someday she'll forget me.
Not finding any trace of me, perhaps she'll think—
I cut off contact because I forgot her.

Ha ha!
Strange, isn't it?
She doesn't even know where I'm going!

Until this moment, I love her terribly.

The end
Unknown