The pain you cannot tell anyone about — that tears you apart from the very core. You have to act normal with a smile in front of everyone, when in reality I've become utterly hopeless, completely broken down.
This is the story of a relationship. I've come out of a complicated relationship and fallen into deep depression. I want to share this with you all. I need some comfort — someone to place a gentle hand on my head, to have such people in my life too. I desperately want to hold onto someone and survive.
I'm deeply anxious about something that happened to me. The incident occurred about fifteen days ago, but I can't get it out of my head. The same kind of obsession keeps working on me constantly. I keep thinking this life is over. After this, there's nothing left for me to do.
The incident is very complicated. I'm writing it all down to tell you.
I'm a freelancer by profession and my field is animation. Besides Upwork and Fiverr, I also work for local clients in Bangladesh. When working for local clients, I work from a fake ID. I created this ID mainly for work and marketing purposes. The reason is, I didn't want to get involved in work matters through my personal Facebook account in any way. I had also joined several animation groups.
So one day I suddenly saw someone's post in a group. They needed an animator for animation work. I messaged them and after talking, started working according to their requirements — and yes, from the fake ID. I delivered the work, they were satisfied, I got paid. Then they gave me more and more work, and I kept working for them.
In between work, we would sometimes chat too. I don't usually engage in much extra conversation or chatting with people online. But they would talk a lot about their family, and I quite liked it. They were a very sociable and funny person, so I would also chat a little.
Let me mention the name of the fake ID too. The ID was named 'Venus Islam Riya' and had a professional woman's photo, which I had taken from Google. My client was an Assistant Director of the Department of Archaeology and a person with wonderful personality. He was also involved with the cultural scene.
And here I am, the real me — Shubhra — a culturally minded person in personal life. I paint, recite poetry, and sing. He would share almost everything about his family with me. He was married with two children. He was 47 and I was 23.
I would also share some of my likes and dislikes with him. He was a very understanding person, so somehow I felt very reassured talking to him.
In my personal life, I'm not married, I keep myself immersed in work all day. I also have a freelancing center where I teach classes.
Days passed like this. I would do his work and chat sometimes too. He grew quite fond of me as well. At one point, he wanted to see my photo. I was in quite a predicament then. I couldn't figure out what to do. There was no question of giving my real photo, because I wanted to keep myself separately safe.
I gave him another girl's photo. And the girl whose photo I gave was also an online celebrity. I thought, it's okay, this isn't such a serious issue, I'm not falling in love with him. So let it be anyone's photo.
And the girl whose photo I gave was very beautiful. Perhaps that's why he developed an attraction. He would sometimes write poems about me, and I liked that. And he was involved with theater, stage plays and such. So somehow I liked him too.
His personal relationship with his wife wasn't going well, he would talk about these things too, and some of his words created a kind of sympathy for him in me. I fell in love with him. And he already liked me. He liked my personality, I liked his personality. So at one point, we fell in love.
I was still continuing the animation work. In the meantime, one day I told him that Shubhra — the real me — was Riya's student, the one he was in love with. I told him that Shubhra was Riya's student.
Even after falling in love with him, I wanted the professional aspect to remain intact. So I would also work for him from my main ID — he had a lot of work. And on this side, Shubhra and Riya had a friendly relationship too — that's what I told him, so that he would become dependent on us for work. According to him, among all the animators he had worked with, I was the best. And from a work perspective, who doesn't want to do most of a client's work! So I would work for him as two people. One was myself, the other was my fake ID Riya, with whom he was also in love.
At one point I realized I had become too addicted to him from the romantic side. I would stay connected on WhatsApp, in texts, day and night. He had also fallen deeply in love with me. He would often ask for photos and I would helplessly give him that celebrity's photos. At one point I started feeling that I was deceiving him, and deceiving myself too. I couldn't figure out what to do. I tried many times to cut through this web and get out, but I couldn't manage it at all.
Meanwhile, he would repeatedly talk about meeting. I would calm him down with various excuses. In between all this, I couldn't focus on animation work either. I had become so obsessed with him that I would just become restless because I couldn't find any solution. Worrying about all this, I couldn't sleep night after night.
One day I steadied my mind and decided — I would tell him everything. I would reveal the truth that Shubhra herself was Riya. No one named Riya existed.
Somehow I had faith in him that after hearing everything, he might accept it or try to understand. So I told him everything. He listened and said to me, "Whether you're Shubhra or Riya, I have no problem with that."
Hearing this, I felt like I had regained the sky. Whatever it was, that was just his good-heartedness. Inside, he had certainly received a shock.
And let me mention one more thing — a few days before I told him the whole truth, his wife had started suspecting him; he had told me about that too. After that, I talked to him about ending our relationship, but he didn't help me in that regard. And my subconscious mind also didn't want us to break up. So I didn't pursue it further either.
So when I had told him everything, for the next few days he tried to get to know me — the real me. He already knew me, recognized me; though through a different ID, but I was the person, the feelings were mine. He would tease me saying, "You little devil, what a fool you've made of me!" Hearing this, I would feel ashamed. Then I would explain the whole situation. But he would say he had no problem. He would say, "Who kicks away such pure love? So I will accept your love and start loving you."
I accepted too, because I loved him tremendously. So the calculation of right and wrong had left my head.
Meanwhile, he kept telling me about the pressure from his wife. His wife would check his phone, she even had control over his Facebook account. I accepted it. That's why I had cut back on our chats. But there was a matter of habit here too. I couldn't stay calm. Even after an entire day had passed, if I didn't get a message from him, my whole world would turn upside down. I love him like a madwoman.
When I eventually noticed that his activity with me was diminishing day by day, I became restless. I came to Dhaka to meet him. He told me that when he went out, his wife would call him repeatedly, video call him to see what was around him. So I said, "Fine, you let me know when you have time and opportunity."
The day after I arrived in Dhaka, he made time and we met; we wandered around all day. Then I went home. Everything was fine for two days, then he started talking about his reality, the pressure from his wife, all of that. I accepted it too. I accepted it, I understood. But all the trouble boiled down to one thing—my love for him. I simply couldn't make my heart understand. I would cry all day until I became senseless.
In the midst of all this, one day I found out that he had told his wife the whole thing to keep himself safe.
I was deeply shocked and felt thoroughly humiliated, thinking why didn't he just tell me directly, "Shubhra, get out of my life!" Though I should have left on my own, the thought of losing him from that overwhelming love was making me sick day by day. I would try desperately to hold onto him; at least try to stay connected online. I thought my heart would calm down and I would gradually pull away from him.
But one day he blocked me completely from everywhere. The sky came crashing down on my head. I tried in many ways to contact him. I called from different numbers, but he wouldn't listen to anything I said, just cut the calls; I emailed him many times, but nothing worked. I understand that not staying connected with him is the wise thing to do. But I've been so defeated by emotion that I've lost my own sense and reason.
I understand that not staying connected with him is the wise thing to do. But I've been so defeated by emotion that I've lost my own sense and reason.
Almost ten days have passed, and I still can't remove his obsession from my mind. I can't sleep at night. A sense of guilt works within me for everything, I don't know why; and on the other hand, feelings of love persist. All together, I'm completely shattered. I've lost my very existence. Sometimes I want to die from shame, humiliation, and intense pain.
These things aren't even worth sharing, so there's no way for me to tell anyone and feel lighter. I'm dying inside. I want to escape from this restlessness.
The stark truth that he has left my life is overwhelming me day by day. What overwhelms me most is that he didn't even give me a chance to say something to him one last time. I've apologized many times in many ways for everything, but he continues to hate me intensely. This is what burns me the most. You can bear the neglect of someone you love, but how do you bear their hatred!