What I never spoke aloud

 
Beloved forest, in that world of my contemplation,
certain thoughts come and go.
You alone remain, the others...merely come and go.
I have places I could leave for, yet I don't go.
I stay only near you.


Sometimes I want to flee in wounded pride,
then I feel it—my sky is bound to your horizon.
I can no longer go anywhere.
I want to stay, but cannot.
I no longer wish to leave...
I love to remain here, forest.


For so long, some fasting of love had gathered within me.
I never understood. After finding you, I knew.
Thinking of you, a fierce hunger works in me.
Have I ever been this starved before? I can't recall.


I want to know how you are,
each day I send dreams to ask after you.
They go to you, and don't return—they stay.
Once you go to the forest, you cannot come back!
Loving you means staying near you.
Can you sense it—some of my dreams lingering with you?


I'm compelled to live with you, though without you!
To live with you, I no longer need you before my eyes.
Forest, after you've given everything to everyone,
if you're ever emptied,
come to me. I'll give you all my fullness.


The ocean that lies within you—
let me sit on that ocean's shore. You will, won't you, forest?
Don't turn me away in some misunderstanding or false hurt,
let me stay. Know this:
you are the private room of all my dreams,
the intimate sanctuary of all my prayers.


Even your slightest distance draws out
the salt-words from within me, one by one.
Living becomes so difficult then, forest!
I know that when you finally touch me after this long wait,
I will weep terribly.
Do you know the color of tears of joy, forest?


Today I only want to break myself apart to love you.
I think of you with a sky full of limitations, and I suffer.
That suffering gives me a kind of happiness...
A thousand years of longing have built up in me to have you.
I'm growing sick, little by little...
Why aren't you here, forest?
How much longer will I wait for you?


They don't understand me—no sorrow there.
You don't understand me either—that's my only sorrow.
I'm telling you, I'm falling ill...why won't you believe me, forest?
I cannot sleep. Apart from missing you,
I seem to have no other work right now.
I understand this perfectly, and
I want to crack your skull open.


Does this frighten you, forest?
Don't be afraid. I don't love you
hoping you'll come to me someday.
I don't love you hoping
you'll be mine someday either.
I love you for my own private need.
This is my personal selfishness. It keeps me well.


My love for you
doesn't depend on whether you stay near me or not;
rest assured, forest, it never will.
I have loved you. That love—
I won't give it the chance to end
depending on any behavior of yours.


Beloved forest, I love you, will love you.
Whether you want it or not, this feeling will remain unchanged until the last day...