Brother, there are three things you must never do.
One. Never judge someone’s character by their educational qualifications.
Two. Never measure someone’s intelligence by their exam grades.
Three. No matter how learned a wicked person might be, distance yourself from them before it’s too late—don’t stay close just because they’re educated.
The story behind these three pearls of wisdom from my younger brother—precocious for his age, or perhaps three times more mature than his years—shared just moments ago at the dinner table, isn’t particularly long. It goes back a little over a year. At some point, a marriage proposal came to our house. I quite liked the girl when I saw her. Liked her, I mean loved her—love at first sight, in fact. I had decided I would marry her. On the day we went to see the bride, my mother blessed her and gave her ten thousand taka. (I learned this much later. Had I known then, I would never have let Ma give that money—I’d have bought books with it instead. What’s the need to give a girl ten thousand taka? Girls are happy enough with ten-taka puchka! Oh! Why is Ma so naive? Of course, after telling Ma this, I got quite the scolding. But let that be.) Birth, death, marriage—these three are in God’s hands. For whatever reason, the marriage didn’t happen. Their education and mentality were diametrically opposed to ours. Being accomplished might require putting on airs, but our family upbringing never taught us two brothers that. Father says, “How do you tell if someone is big or small? The bigger they are, the more their head bows down.” Anyway, the one I was supposed to marry was very good and an ultra-intellectual ‘I’ll tell Abbu’ type, an excellent student with outstanding results. She recently got married. Her father wants us to take that money back. A strangely petty-minded wish. The owner of the house we now rent happens to be related to them by marriage. Through him, this wish was conveyed to my younger brother when he went to pay the rent. Our landlord is a well-known doctor by profession. Hearing this proposal, though my younger brother was quite upset, he calmly said, “Uncle, Ma had blessed her with that money. I know nothing about this matter. It’s a matter for the elders—how can I say anything? But I’ll let Ma know what you’ve said.” At that time, a gentleman with the bearing of a great scholar was sitting in his chamber. He had been listening quietly all this while. Then he started speaking. I’m sharing some of his words in my own way:
: So, the thing is, you folks saw a girl and liked her. Isn’t that right?
: Yes, sir.
: So what was the need to give money? If you liked her, the marriage would have happened. Why money in between, my boy?
: Actually, it was as a blessing……..
: Oh dear, I’d heard that blessings come as jewelry and ornaments. Money too……..
: (The doctor uncle tactfully took over the conversation)……… Oh sir! Don’t you understand? Rings and such can sometimes be too big or small, might not fit the finger properly. So giving money is better, right? She can buy something she likes…….
: Oh I see! So my boy, you gave the ring because you liked her, right? Why didn’t the marriage happen then? Ten thousand taka! That’s no small amount! One could get married just for that!
: Oh, such things happen all the time! Marriage is God’s bond. If He doesn’t will it, how can it happen? Surely there was some reason or other why the marriage didn’t work out! And that’s why they want to return the money. Besides, the girl has gotten married.
: Oh I see, I understand! The girl’s father doesn’t want to remain indebted. Very good! Very good! But he could have freed himself from this indebtedness a year ago if he’d wanted. Such a wealthy man, why did he take so long to return this small amount? Had he been using that money in business all this year?
: Oh my, oh my! What are you saying, sir! Perhaps they had other problems, so…….
: Problems? Oh I see! I understand, I understand! He swallowed the money as soon as he got it. And then it took the poor fellow a whole year to arrange it again! Natural. So much money…….(.After this, all three started laughing.)
: Listen here, my boy! You should definitely take the money! In this age of Kali, who returns so much cash to whom? I understand, your mother gave it as a blessing. And with that very blessing, the girl got married to another boy! Good! Take the money, son.
: No, I mean, Uncle, we’d actually forgotten about it. Besides, Ma gave it wishing her well……….
: I understand, my boy! Her good fortune has certainly come to pass! Why should the money just lie around? And if you don’t want to take it, give it to me. I’ll buy a nice big goat and we’ll have a barbecue party! What say you, Doctor sahib? We’re all friends here!
: Oh stop it, sir! What are you saying?
: Oh, why are you getting angry, Doctor sahib? Alright, forget the barbecue! If we take the money, we can send it to Nepal through Lions Club for humanitarian service. What do you say? And I’m telling you—tell your mother from now on to give money after the wedding. It’s better to bless after the marriage. Otherwise it’s all loss!
When my younger brother told me all this during lunch, I was laughing so hard I nearly choked! He tells these stories with such mimicry anyway. At first I was angry at people’s pettiness. Their whole family is highly educated! All of them the first-second rank types! Along with that came complete arrogance and pride! I never saw them speak to anyone with much respect, which doesn’t match our family at all. Neither I, nor my father who is a senior lawyer, nor my mother, nor my younger brother—none of us have the inclination or time to put on airs or tolerate them. They wanted a live-in son-in-law type, a domesticated boy who would rise at the rich father-in-law’s word and sit at the rich father-in-law’s word. Fair enough. Such sacrificial goat-type boys are available, which is why fathers of girls look for such boys. But my problem was, I’d rather starve to death if necessary, but I could never become like that! The marriage didn’t happen due to differences in mentality. Otherwise everything else was fine. Now I realize what a narrow escape that was! Such marriages with mismatched mentalities rarely last. I had fallen in love with her, so I couldn’t bear the separation. I admit again, the main message of the Gita is right: “What happened, happened for the best. What is happening, is happening for the best. What will happen, will happen for the best.” In Latin: Que sera, sera. Meaning, Whatever was, was; whatever is, is; whatever will be, will be. I have yet to see any exception to this philosophy. Only the Creator knows what’s good for us and what’s bad. We are each but a tiny part of a vast masterplan! Sometimes the Creator hears our prayers by not hearing our prayers.