Wall Plaster of Thoughts: 148

Reflection: One Thousand and Thirty
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One. I am blocking you myself. Stay well. May your life become even more beautiful without me. When even with so many opportunities this relationship isn't working, what's the point of banging my head against the wall anymore? I'll leave myself, won't I?
Why aren't you stopping me? Can't you call me friend just once? I see you're paying me no mind at all! But I'm leaving...
How I'll miss all those conversations with you! With nothing but your welfare in my heart, I bid farewell.
One of my elder brothers has come to my city, wants to meet. Let me go see him. It'll lift my spirits, won't it?
I simply cannot accept that you're letting me go! Is it because you have everything that you can do this? I'm not destitute and therefore yours; I've become destitute sitting here for your sake. I deliberately don't let anyone else enter my world.
Whatever!
I can no longer bear the agony of being with you either. Nor can I imagine how I'll survive without you! I'm dying inside bit by bit. My mind refuses to understand anything. A terrible resentment toward you is working within me. All my lamentations are converging at once. I can no longer burn in this fire. When people die on a pyre they're gone, but I'm living on a pyre, loving you.
Show me the path to freedom. You show me the path to freedom. I'm dying. An unbearable anguish is working in my chest now. Let me claim my rights as a friend at least. How can you turn me away like this? I'm dying with intense resentment. I'm suffocating.
I no longer want this friendship where I have no recognition. What have you said or done to acknowledge that I am your friend? I don't seek recognition from the world, but you should at least let me know that I'm your friend, shouldn't you? I myself don't know what I am to you. Because friendship cannot be this merciless. I'm dying here, but my friend cannot remain silent there, can they?
What seems like mere complaints to you is my life. My life written with countless hours, sweat, blood, and flesh. You want a relationship with me, yes, but one you can cast aside at any moment, and you've never given any kind of acknowledgment to avoid taking responsibility! We do have a relationship, see? You're so indifferent and detached, while I'm exactly your opposite.
Whatever happens, I'll no longer have the strength to make you understand. I've spent a lifetime explaining to you. You'll never understand. I can no longer stay with you one-sidedly. You'll have to step forward, preserve this friendship now. Even if the world turns upside down, whatever happens on this entire earth, it can only be resolved through conversation. You must let me know that you're my friend, you must honor my friend's rights.
We could have had such a beautiful friendship. How many subjects we could have discussed together—God, religion, love, sex, politics, history, music, literature, movies, arts and culture...so much more! Couldn't I? I needn't have been left alone in this relationship, right? Having such a friend in life is such a big deal! I understand all this now!
If you had responded today, we both could have died with so many memories! So many dreams I have around you! You could never once extend your hand in friendship with a generous call. You could never once speak openly with me. You know, mindset is everything!
Two. You see, I had actually managed to cope. But then you awakened that intense hope of having you again! I went crazy again! No matter! You should have communicated with me properly right from the beginning. Now it's too late for me. Though older in age, I was far behind in mind and development. I couldn't understand that your silence wasn't a signal, it's just your nature, there's no hint of love here.
What's done is done! Take care. You'll say again after many days that if you hadn't become psycho, the relationship would still be beautiful and healthy today! But look, I'm the only one maintaining the relationship. In the past 8 years, you've replied with single sentences barely 5-6 times! And even those were to say something angry, or something that made no sense, or was open to speculation. You don't let me understand whether we even have a relationship.
You'll say again that I'm psycho and sick, I know. Do I look like I care now? You can call me anything you want. You don't deserve this friendship. You are undeniably lucky!
Reflection: One Thousand and Thirty-One
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One. Rain, they say, reminds one of loved ones; recalls beloved joys, beloved times.
I search for my beloved one, groping through the nooks and crannies of my brain, the dark alleys of my heart.
There! I found them! This is the one!
How strange! In their silhouette, it's myself I see!
Two. 6 years ago... I was enslaved by money.
I wanted to work at a bank because of the handsome salary. I desired to buy apples every day because I love them, but couldn't afford them as a student.
I was so materialistically ambitious that I eagerly worked every extra hour if it paid.
Life... When I had all that? I began to introspect. I craved meaning... spirituality.
I resigned at 26. I started studying books, attended meditation courses, and practiced meditation.
But after all that soul-searching, all I'm left with is this: It's not worth living just with intelligence. Love is what makes life worth living. Otherwise, life isn't even worth continuing.
Three. Walking along life's path
wherever I arrive
on whatever road,
it feels as though
this path isn't mine,
I don't belong to this path...
Yet this path's discovery
is what I sought
consciously or unconsciously...
Life
continues this way...
Four. The other day I was looking at many pictures of Russell's vipers. One after another. Various styles, colorful poses. What a feast for the eyes! Ah, how beautiful they look! I was truly enjoying seeing the snake's multicolored beauty. To think there's so much venom in this, so much poison... who would believe it seeing such an enchanting form!
Suddenly I came to my senses. I thought, what's the point of spending so much time on an ex's wall! Is this right? Then I left that place...
Five. Russell, my Russell,
why are you causing hassles in this heat again?
In Bengali your name is supposedly just Chandrabora,
apparently you look not like Faria, but totally like Fatehi Nora!
Wherever I go, why do you always come along?
What do you actually want, come clean and tell me strong!
Fear in water, fear in jungle, fear even in the washroom;
I see you on Facebook too, see you even in my bedroom.
Your surname's quite something too, I heard it's 'Viper'?
Everyone says you supposedly wear a diaper?
Because of fear of you, it's hard to even come to Facebook,
Going to the bathroom makes people's clothes look bad!
If I hear rumors about my brother, will I accept them?
Don't think so much, I'll arrange your marriage while standing here.
Whatever you do, you can't stay here even after marriage;
"My bite has no venom, brother." Even if you say so, I won't listen.
Whatever you do, roam as much as you like, I'm on your side, brother.
Before leaving the country, leave Facebook, damn it, now I need safety!
Six. I don't care anymore about those female friends who can't spend even one calorie of their own energy to come drink tea at a friend's house to ease their loneliness.
They can judge a friend for getting married, show them fears of a cursed life for compromising; but can't hear that friend's anguish.
What kind of friends do women have anyway, brother? Those who can't step forward to help even as roommates, do they even become friends?
Women judge even their best friends negatively, yet use that friendship relationship to extract their own benefits.
Before marriage they can chase after boyfriends, and after marriage watch serials for hours, but using household excuses, they never have time in life for their single girlfriend.
They can roam around taking photographs in various places, but can't find a little time for their girlfriend even in a whole year.
Such women can remain devoted for as long as they can, and can maintain households for exactly that long.
When they want to protest, there'll be nowhere to go except their father's house, because not a single friend's shoulder will be there to rest a hand on, not a single friend's hand will be there to wipe away tears.
Friendship must be learned from men. Why do women speak ill of men? Even just to have friends, it's a joy to live as a man.
Seven. Those viral topics and problems of Bangladesh that circulate from wall to wall on Facebook are like common colds—if you take medicine they're cured in exactly seven days, and if you don't take medicine it takes a week to recover. Whether you stay quiet or make noise, they'll disappear in the same amount of time. But yes, by shouting you'll definitely get some market; the phrase 'excitable Bengali' didn't come from thin air either!
Bengali on Facebook wants to go viral even if it means bathing in their brother's blood. Beware of this consciousness-living species!
Eight. You ruined me... for life... for silence... for depth... for sex...
Yes, you knew it all along. You just couldn't resist ruining me.
Nine. Don't release all snakes on Facebook, let some snakes stay in your house or around your house too.
Ten. You've got to be an artist who chose to be one.
With all the materialistic gains and worldly success, you still practice your art, your craft, your passion. You earn with your brains, but you live by your heart.
That's where you are truly an artist—not someone who was not good for anything but made some art and earned a living through that.
You earn a tremendous amount of respect if you achieve worldly things with your strides in your own passionate pursuit too.
Eleven. My washroom is completely Russell's-viper-free. You can use it fearlessly if needed urgently.
Twelve. I did what's best for us.
I don't want to run after you like this. Isn't it smothering, Dear?
It must be hard for you to handle all my nuanced, extreme feelings…
I hate, I love… The next moment, I fantasize about your body…
I did what I felt was right for both of us. Don't worry… The body belongs even to the rickshaw puller while on a ride.
But the soul? The heart? They're always where the love is. You are the love of my life… Accept it.
Reflection: One Thousand and Thirty-Two
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One. When I get a reply, I think you've probably fallen for me.
All I can think about now is you! Just one reply from you robs me of sleep! You have such an unfairly powerful hold over me. I've been dancing with joy ever since you gave me that compliment.
Two. I was lost in dreams of you. I know you're sulking, aren't you? That's just my nature. You'll probably sentence me to another six years of exile now.
What can I do but wait? My only sorrow is that my youth is slipping away without your touch. I must satisfy my body's hunger with the nectar of my mind. I caress you through my writing. Before I can even understand the pain of not having you, I find you through writing tender words. Poetry is the last refuge of the heartbroken.
I know you don't want me. I'm the only one leaping about over you. What can I do? My heart remains absorbed with you. I worship you. I am intoxicated. Nothing works on my mind except your magic.
Three. It would have been better if we had never met. Without meeting, there would be no relationship; without relationship, today it wouldn't be ruined. Not having a relationship with someone like you—that can be accepted. But having a relationship and then losing it—that can never be accepted.
Four. Tell me, when will I ever grow up? I'm going crazy with joy getting your reply today! I'm listening to music and getting ready. I don't even know where I'm going. Mom called, scolding me! But I'm in a trance.
One day I cry all day not getting a reply from you, and another day I'm dying of happiness getting one! I'm the fan, and your reply is my regulator. My life's speed increases and decreases at your whim.
Five. Like termites in rotting wood, this career is eating away the precious time and energy of my life! If I didn't have to run so hard after career, perhaps I too could have been a Rabindranath!
Six. I'm happy seeing my own tears, seeing my own passion. I had started thinking of myself as dead. When I cry, I know I'm still alive. The day a person can't cry is the day they die.
Once, tears wouldn't come no matter what. Now they come... for your love. I am complexly passionate! I am very much alive, and also quarrelsome! Yes, a little psycho! When there's love in this heart, how can I not be psycho? It's because I love that I haven't died yet, otherwise who wants to live in so much trouble? Never mind, I'm a complete emotional mess!
Seven. I actually grew up in a very poor household. I came alone from Natore to Dhaka in 2007, fleeing from marriage. My father was a railway clerk. All my life for half an egg—when a whole one cost three taka—I would cry every day for even that. I never ate rice without eggs. Though I'm quite liberal in thought, I can't break free when it comes to money. I studied privately, working night shifts at call centers. I paid my own tuition fees.
My family was very poor. When my brother's salary increased a bit, the family moved to Dhaka. It was with my brother's money that I left my bank job to prepare for BCS.
I am actually a modern girl from a very poor household. So there are many things I couldn't overcome very quickly. I suffered so much over marriage because there's a family class that considers marriage as status—definitely lower-middle-class thinking. Much of my time was spent fighting over this marriage issue. I get no mental support from my family.
I even bought books with money I earned from tutoring. I bought a piano with money from teaching online. We don't even have a proper room to keep the piano.
I'm telling you this because you might think I'm a modern girl with no emotions, only sexuality; but I'm actually quite old-fashioned. My world is very small. Perhaps that's what happens when you're poor.
No opportunity to socialize with anyone. No opportunity to get close to anyone. If I had the opportunity, I would try to forget you. I'm not crazy, I'm actually poor.
Eight. Someone once said all love is supposedly first love. I don't believe this. As we love, we learn what we can and cannot do, we get better through learning, we learn to hold onto love, we don't let go like last time. The most fun is loving someone mature.
Nine. I love you even if you cause this agony in my heart. Love is not something I can control. I love you even after all these insults you inflict upon me. I love you illogically.
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way you are happy without me. It's hard for me to accept this. It's hard for me to say…
With time, this agony will subside, it will blunt itself with aging. I often wonder, why are you happy without me?
But I still wish you the best of all this world could give.
Ten. I had a long conversation with an elder brother. He bought me cold coffee and soup. The brother kept explaining to me that I would get married very soon. God willing, everything can change at any moment.
I can't believe it. I listened to everything. It felt good because for a while my resentment toward you had lifted. I'm thinking I'll start thinking about marriage from time to time now.
I see you online all day and wonder why you can't give me one reply? My heart is sulking tremendously. You are so harsh with me! Today it felt good getting that brother's blessing.
I asked him, how do you all survive so many years in arranged marriages? I can't even imagine without love.
He says God apparently arranges the feelings. Once marriage is settled with someone, God apparently awakens love for that person.
Is this true? It seemed that life wouldn't be bad if I could live believing everything without thinking so much.
I discussed a sermon with the brother. A religious teacher had said in response to someone's question that marriage is not obligatory for all Muslims.
A young Muslim man had asked, "Sir, I don't want to marry, I want to stay alone all my life. Can I go to paradise?"
The teacher said marriage is not obligatory for everyone. For someone with financial capacity who cannot maintain character without marriage, marriage is obligatory. But for someone with financial capacity who can maintain character even without marriage, marriage is not obligatory but recommended. Marriage is better. He can go to paradise. Islam doesn't support renunciation.
I told the brother about this sermon, but he said it was wrong. No human being can maintain character in this world. Therefore, only if someone truly lacks physical capacity is marriage not obligatory. Having no physical capacity yet hiding it and marrying would certainly be wrong.
I behave this way only with you; no one else even catches my eye. So am I not maintaining my character?
Now many things don't torment me mentally like before, but in your case, there's still a raw wound of love in my chest that hasn't healed.
I hadn't thought you were still so alive in this lifeless body of mine!
Thought: One Thousand Thirty-Three
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One. There must be some gain or reward, otherwise effort doesn't come from within. Can you spend time on something where there's no reward at all?
Two. We all have a lot to learn from men. All men aspire to be the richest, the smartest, the wealthiest because deep down, they know only the most competent man will get the most beautiful woman in the world.
Likewise, women should aspire to achieve their highest to compensate for their moderate looks. Because, history says, beautiful men always choose the strongest and achiever-type women for marriage or love.
Not always do emotions win. Instead, often, emotions kill. In the end, your uncontrolled emotions leave you ruined.
Look at Meghan Markle. Prince Harry saw the deep strength in her and went against the crown just to be with her.
I have achieved a lot in my life too for this very greed of being with beautiful, sensual men. And from my own experience, I can tell you, ladies… After you have achieved more than the man you desire, you have become smarter than him in the process.
You will eventually move past his good looks and look at him and laugh... Oh, you are so dumb and cute!
And all your insecurities will just vanish in the face of your intelligence.
Brainy is the new sexy, ladies!
Three. Knowledge from books remains in books. So we must learn how to read books. We must look at a book as if we're looking at a talking parrot. When the parrot says "God, God...", the parrot itself doesn't know what it's saying—there's no religiosity here; but we understand what we're seeing and hearing. This seeing and hearing has no end. Eventually we discover that we ourselves are the creators or authors of everything we read.
All the words in books speak; and yes, they also act. All truth is there... if I myself know how to be that truth... though in this case my level of consciousness may not be calm and focused enough to capture the most subtle meanings. Yes, for most people, it is crude—and not subtle enough to consciously understand the ultimate meaning of books' words.
If a book says "awareness precedes consciousness," what will you do? For decades, meditators can still reach incredible depths relying on concepts. Reading the book's words once, you might not grasp the underlying truth, but if you read the words carefully and consider them deeply, the book's words will eventually resonate and become as vivid as truth itself, because there is 'deep consideration' and also the matter of 'reaching the mind's calm levels,' which is needed to realize truth. The whole process increases attention's sensitivity, sharpens the inner eye. Thus, with the help of such deep contemplative practice, a reader gradually takes their nervous system's capacity to higher levels.
Read deep sentences slowly—taking time, with feeling. Use your brain at that time, let it read each sentence repeatedly, activate your nerves properly. Spend at least one minute on each deep sentence.
You may need to read a book multiple times to grasp its deepest insights. Don't be tempted by popular opinion into reading mediocre books; there are far too many good books in this world—you won't finish reading them all before you die.
What your heart tells you is the voice of God itself. When you read books deeply, you enter a state of genuine meditation. This enhances your capacity for discernment. Meditation takes us to a place where words become useless; there, only silence reigns.
Yes, you will see that in the end, inner silence speaks of outer truths. All meaning comes from within. That's why the wise say, "Be still." Perfect silence is like a good library. Here lie all the books of the world, even those that have yet to be written.
Four. Most wealthy people are smart, educated, busy, fun-loving, hardworking, non-judgmental, open-minded. They stay silent on Facebook, quietly enjoying themselves. Those of us who spend too much time on Facebook are somewhat more of the vagrant type.
Five. It's amusing to watch men's arrogance.
The bastard, my ex asks me, "So why haven't you married? I'm married, you know?"
Hey fool, you've forgotten that I dumped you, not the other way around.
A sexy cow like me doesn't come cheap in the marriage market.
Just to show boys like you that one can live perfectly well without marriage—that's exactly what I'm demonstrating. I'm using my brain to prove that women aren't just lumps of flesh.
Besides, you should understand that after you, I've loved passionately. Though I sing sad songs now and then, know this—I have more men in my life, darling!
Don't you remember Barney from 'How I Met Your Mother'?
"A week? That's like a year in hot-girl time."
Yes, that's me, loser!!!
Six. There's no point fighting loneliness anymore; instead, you must accept it, embrace it, learn to love your beloved from a distance. Those who know how to love from afar never truly feel alone. If you can learn to do this, you'll begin to find peace in it. Your God will gradually give you a little space. Then you'll see that even without having your beloved, you can still love them, you can organize your life and carry on with your work.