Waiting for You to Become a Waterfall

  
 I still live on, only to write the next piece.
 Even now I haven't written anything
 that, once written, would let me die with ease…
  
 I know what my pen births each day—
 even if I aborted every embryo, nothing would be lost.
 Yet I also know these barren words are keeping me alive.
 For so long now, I feel no other pull to stay among the living.
  
 Can you understand—I still write only for you?
 If I keep living, perhaps one day I'll write something
 that will please you, make you smile a little…
 I live with such a impossible hope in my chest, Suparna.
  
 You know, they call me disabled!
 Some of them pierce me with their endless frowns.
 They don't know how much pain I smear on hand and heart to write.
 I don't blame them, don't rage at all.
  
 I understand so well—
 after I'm gone, at least some letters will testify to my birth.
 After they're gone, only septic tanks will witness theirs.
 They have to live with their failures, their shame, their envy.
 Such people commit no crimes worth catching.
 Such people need offer no apologies.
  
 Sometimes I feel sorry.
 They may speak from ignorance, but
 Suparna, you understood yet never said a word!
 You've become such stone…Suparna!
 Look—on the day you should become a waterfall,
 a man waits, hoping to wet his throat!
  
 I live only to write you a poem, Suparna!
 So many springs have passed,
 so many winters have come and shaken my bones,
 yet I still can't write anything worthy of reaching you!
  
 Like them, have you only seen rain?
 Never seen tears, Suparna?
 You've seen the harsh sun of summer, but not this burning in my chest!
 Autumn's shiuli grove has heard your anklet bells,
 bakul petals have touched your eyes so many times…
 Only I have never received anything!
  
 When autumn comes and they all celebrate together,
 still the tune of lifelong renunciation clings to my eyes!
 You never understood this heart's weeping—
 you only saw…the sickness in my eyes.
  
 Not finding you, I found words by the handful.
 They've nested in this chest…the way birds nest…
 I asked for water for my thirst, got only more thirst instead.
 Since you didn't come, there have been only stains on the moon.
  
 If I found you, I'd fulfill this one life's every longing.
 What I've gained, I'd give away in an instant if I found you.
 What I never got, I'd forget that too…if I found you.
  
 If I found you, I'd blow away all the sorrows I've carefully tended.
 Truly, if I found you, I'd become exactly the person you'd want!