Unwanted Child (4)

The twelfth of Chaitra. The groom's family had come to see Big Apa, though she had no desire to marry then. Baba's position was: they're just coming to see her, what's the big deal? I'm not marrying her off right away! In those days, no one waited much for girls' opinions. Apa wanted to finish her university studies first, then work for a year or two; the family had given to her all these years, now she wanted to give something back to the family, then slowly settle into marriage. Baba didn't understand! Apa was then a fourth-year Political Science student at Jahangirnagar University! The groom's family was more or less of our standing. The boy had studied at Rajshahi University. Now he was a lecturer at Munshiganj Government College.

He looked good too. Baba took a liking to him. Nanu also very much wanted to see Big Apa and Little Apa married before her death. So the engagement date was fixed right after the first meeting. Big Apa and the prospective brother-in-law were allowed to talk for a while. Though Big Apa had kept a stern face at first, after talking I saw her mood completely changed! I couldn't understand what happened from what! Though Baba didn't take anyone else's opinion, he did take Ma's. Since Big Apa liked him and her opinion changed too, Ma naturally gave her consent.

The whole family was quite happy. With everyone's agreement, their engagement took place at our Gazipur house on the twenty-second of Chaitra. My prospective brother-in-law's name was Rezaul Karim. Their small family consisted of two brothers and their parents. They lived in house number 23 in Kalabagan. The three-story old-style house was built by Janab Shafiul Karim's father—that is, Big Apa's future father-in-law's father. They still lived in that house; though they had renovated and made some changes for the elder son's wedding.

There was a mango grove on the north side of the house. The house's huge hall room, made of mosaic stone, was well-decorated with several sets of sofas, tea tables, chandeliers overhead, various wall paintings, flower vases and sculptures! Climbing the stairs past the veranda, you'd find many bedrooms all around upstairs, and in the middle a table with a few chairs for tea and leisure. Each room had its own bookshelf, and every one of them was packed with books! This was the one thing about the whole house that I absolutely loved. I became very happy thinking I'd be able to read those books. Another thing I liked was that everyone in their family loved books; especially Aunty, I mean Apa's mother-in-law. She was very fond of reading detective series. We talked a lot about books. She was a very affable person. I'd always noticed that those who love books also know how to love all other creations. A person who doesn't love books, doesn't read books, has nothing much to discover in them, no depth to speak of. Such a person is like an inanimate object. Just as everyone in our family loved books, so did they all. Perhaps this is how love connects with the soul.

Keeping my test exams in mind, Apa's wedding date was set for the last week of Jyaistha. Already the whole house was filled with wedding atmosphere. A festive buzz had settled everywhere. The joy of the wedding lightened the tension of exams somewhat. I finished my test exams keeping my brain relatively calm. During this time I met Komlika several times. We didn't have any special conversations, but the joy of brief encounters on the way to and fro was not small either. But I still couldn't pull myself together! So many days had passed since I came to Dhaka, I'd experienced Dhaka's environment, its light and air, sun and rain and storms, so many moonlit nights, so many new moons, so much of everything, yet I remained a misfit vagabond. I felt out of place in everything! How much I'd wanted to make two or three friends, yet when someone took the initiative to befriend me, I became so withdrawn! Why can't I find courage from within myself? Why is the inside so barren? Why does this city's grand environment, such warm light, seem so dim to me! I don't know the answers to these questions! Either this city couldn't make me its own, or I never wanted to belong!

I heard from Shaon that Komlika hadn't done particularly well in the test exams before SSC. Apparently it was due to some family complications. Hearing this made me feel bad for Komlika. How many times she'd wanted to talk, but I hadn't really spoken properly! The residential area of Motijheel was my companion for lonely days; whenever I had time after college I'd often walk that way. I thought of her many times. But I never found out where she lived. Every time I walked, I'd think: what if we suddenly met like that day! Even then I could have talked and found out, but my laziness knew no bounds. I'd always liked unexpected things. I never learned to expect from childhood, you see! How dare I expect uninvited! Wouldn't that be sinful?

A day or two before the test results came out, on just such an afternoon's end I was walking through the residential colony; some peanut shells were falling on my head from the fourth-floor balcony of a six-story building called Nayantara on my left, so my temper suddenly flared; looking up I saw Komlika deliberately dropping the peanut shells on my head. Her antics left me truly speechless! Whether I should be angry with her, or laugh and talk, or just leave—I couldn't understand anything! Her actions always stayed a hundred yards away from my thoughts! Meanwhile she came down the stairs.

- Good heavens, your hair has become a complete sparrow's nest!
- You threw the shells to make it that way! Shouldn't it happen?
- I did well to throw them. What's it to you, huh? Since you keep avoiding me, this is your punishment! If you try to avoid me again, I'll break eggs on your head along with the shells!
- I've fallen in love with your punishment!
- Yes, yes, exactly! You can't see the forest for the trees, you'll fall in love with punishment! That punishment is all your fate holds!
- Then who will give love?! Punishment is better anyway!
- If you keep running from love, how will you get love?
- When did love ever come?
- It'll come if you want it!
- I do want it, I want it very much; but where does it come?
- Just wanting with your mouth is enough?
- I haven't thought about it.
- Enough! You don't have to do anything!
- If you won't go yourself, at least let others come!
- The door is already open! Anyone can come if they can find the way with Google Maps!
- Oh Allah! What cosmic being am I talking to! What should I say to whom! As a teacher, I'm a complete failure!

I couldn't help laughing at her words! Then Komlika said, "This is the first time I'm seeing you laugh heartily!" Komlika's gentle smile and the spread of many grievances accumulated in her stunned eyes, like an open letter, seemed to float across her face then. It looked so touching. Time seemed to have suddenly stopped on the clock's hands, and I desperately wanted to escape from there! I was feeling tremendous restlessness, perhaps wanting to say something to her, but couldn't quite manage. A kind of guilt was working. I'd always fled from this feeling.

From birth, the feeling called 'guilt' has been following me like a shadow. Did I come to this world carrying only seeds of mistakes? Wherever I step, I sow a seed! My imagination, desires, reluctance, plans, dreams, reality—everything is wayward, as if I have an innate conflict with everything, nothing fits with me! Why is there so much discord between me and my life? What am I so enslaved to? Komlika, believe me, I wanted to say that day too, I wanted to tell you...
Komlika, I have laughed many times,
Hidden it each time in words!
Innocent girl, you didn't see, I gave you
A necklace...wrapped around your throat,
Dressed you in a sari of creeping vines!
Tucking a veil in your bun,
Coloring both lips with krishnachura's hue!
Making anklets from morning shiuli flowers,
I dressed you carefully, but the spell didn't break!
I drew kisses in leaf-script on your broad cheek!
Komlika, the more restless I am, the more tender!

But I couldn't say anything! I couldn't! I am enslaved, an unwanted soul! My dreams want independence from me, Komlika! My fantasies run away from me. My desires haven't spoken for many days! I'm guilty under unknown laws—reality reminds me every day! With so much fog, how can I entangle myself in your clear soul, Komlika? Tell me, Komlika, why does the moon rise in the sky only at night? Why does darkness alone thirst for light?

Why does the moon spread its tenderness in the same sky where the sun shows its intensity? Shouldn't the sun show darkness its splendor, its power, its brilliance? What is the moon's burden, Komlika? Though burden belongs only to loved ones; those who are needed only have complaints!