Sleep wouldn't come to Siraj's eyes.
So many thoughts kept peeping into his mind. Siraj was thinking. Thinking and sinking deeper.
He'd been without a job for the last two months. Morning and evening tutoring barely kept their household afloat.
Their household—meaning him and Selina.
They used to have a servant boy. After Siraj lost his job, Selina had to let the boy go. A part-time maid comes twice a day to do the work—washing dishes, fetching water, grinding spices—that's about it. Everything else Selina has to do herself.
Siraj felt such tenderness for Selina. Poor thing. In her parents' home she'd never done any of this housework. She'd been such a pampered girl. And now . . . !
Siraj and Selina. They'd married for love. They'd been classmates.
Their hearts had been given and received long ago. Selina's parents didn't know this. Right after her MA exams, they arranged her marriage to some big-shot bureaucrat.
Selina dug in her heels.
When all her efforts failed to convince her parents, she chose her own path. In the presence of a few friends, she had to go to court to formalize her bond with Siraj—for society's sake.
Siraj's luck had been good, you'd have to say, because even before the results came out, he'd landed an excellent job.
Selina had also insisted on taking a job at some school. But Siraj wouldn't let her. He'd said, "What I earn is enough for both of us, Lina. Why would you take a job for nothing?"
The days flowed swiftly past them like silvery waves on their beautiful river.
Into those unbroken days came suddenly one day the first blow of the storm.
Siraj's transfer orders came for some provincial town full of rivers and streams, canals and marshes, forests and wilderness.
Siraj thought Selina would be delighted by this news. But to his surprise, Selina said, "I absolutely cannot live in that wilderness, Raj. My spirit won't survive there."
"Then what?" "Then what do you mean? Take leave for a month or so. The order will surely get cancelled by then."
Siraj applied for leave just as Selina suggested.
The bad-tempered chief officer didn't approve his leave. He informed him: first go to the new posting, then take leave. Otherwise quit the job.
"You can't stay in government service if you want personal comfort and convenience." Hearing all this, Selina flared up. "We don't need such a job. Transfers at every turn! Tomorrow they'll say, go to hell! Just resign from this job."
"But how will we manage the household?" "Oh! So you'll go then? Fine, go ahead. If you really loved me, you wouldn't want to go somewhere my spirit won't survive, my health won't last. You want me to die, that's what you want!" "Li-na!"
Siraj saw Selina's dark lashes getting wet with hurt.
He felt terribly selfish. Selina had sacrificed so much for him, and he couldn't give up attachment to a mere job! No, no! He would resign from work today itself. He absolutely couldn't cause Selina any unhappiness. He would quit the job. They didn't need such a job. He'd look for new work again.
But searching doesn't always mean finding. In the two months since quitting his job, Siraj had tried hard continuously. From everywhere he'd met only failure. In a couple of places where he'd glimpsed some hope, Siraj had deliberately turned them down; because Selina's spirit wouldn't survive there, her health wouldn't last.
"What's this! You're still not asleep?"
Selina's voice interrupted Siraj's stream of thought. Hearing his own sigh, Siraj himself was startled.
"What are you thinking about, Raj?"
Getting no response from Siraj, Selina asked again while running her fingers through his hair.
"Oh no, nothing."
There was a defensive tone in Siraj's voice.
"No, you're hiding something. You're definitely thinking about my job. I can't find any reason for your objection." "What's the point of thinking about it? Tomorrow you'll join anyway!"
How melancholy Siraj's voice sounded.
"Why are you getting so sentimental day by day, tell me? You don't have work, and here I've got some, and you won't even let me do it. What kind of talk is this? Did I get my MA to cut grass? Please, Raj, don't be silly. Until you get a job, let me do this work."
Like a child, Selina wrapped her arms around her husband's neck.
"But it hurts my self-respect!" "Self-respect! Self-respect! Self-respect! Ugh! My ears are burning from hearing it! Brilliant idea! No rice in your belly, wash down your self-respect with water!"
Saying this in an impatient voice, Selina turned away and lay down. Then taking a breath, she said, "I can't go on like this day after day. For now, I'll do the work; then whatever happens, happens."
Ignoring Siraj's opinion, Selina had finally taken the job. Work at some foreign firm. The salary was much higher relative to the work.
Meanwhile Siraj was desperate. He needed work…work. A good job right here in the capital. Whatever he could find paid less compared to Selina's. It hurt Siraj's self-respect.
As life became unbearable for Siraj while swinging on the waves of hope and despair, one day a cascade of light descended into the riverbed of Siraj's life.
Siraj had gotten a job at a local college. Though the silver coins might be nearly equal to Selina's, Siraj would get much, much more respect than Selina. Siraj was tremendously happy.
He came running home.
Selina had just returned from the office and was changing her clothes. Siraj overwhelmed her with affection.
"Oh, stop it! What? What's happened?" "I got a job, Lina! A job!"
Siraj was practically panting with joy, excitement, and exhilaration.
"Oh! I thought, who knows what. So where is it?"
Selina spoke with a kind of detachment as she took the pins out of her hair.
Siraj was deeply wounded. Still, forcing a failed brightness into his eyes and face, he said, "At the college."
"Professor?"
Selina's nose wrinkled with distaste. "Boring!" she said, grabbing her towel and soap as she headed toward the bathroom.
The fourth of the month. Siraj received his salary today. With a strange exhilaration and an odd feeling stirring within him, he left the college early, eager to get home.
Walking home, his mind wandered wildly—some thoughts made sense, others didn't.
. . . First thing when he got home, he would put the salary money into Selina's hands. He remembered how long it had been since they'd gone out anywhere. He decided that after tea, he'd take Selina out today. They'd stroll around, do a little shopping, then catch a movie at the Devdaru cinema. A colleague had mentioned a good film was showing.
Oh! How long had it been since they'd seen a movie!
Selina would surely be delighted. She was crazy about movies! And if it was an English film, there'd be no stopping her!
Then, late at night after they returned home, Siraj would gently tell Selina, "Why don't you quit that job now, Lina? Your health is getting worse day by day. Besides, with what I'm earning, we can manage quite comfortably for both of us." This time, perhaps Selina wouldn't object.
What was this! Siraj stopped short at the gate. The door opened and out of their own room emerged a young man dressed elegantly. Reeking of cologne and expensive cigarettes, he brushed past Siraj and climbed into a beautiful red-wine colored Primo car parked at the roadside.
For several moments, Siraj seemed to sink into unthinkable thoughts. As if he had lost his memory!
The car drove away, throwing a cloud of dust in his face. An old pain seemed to surge violently in Siraj's chest.
As he moved to press his hand against his chest, his hand came to rest on his pocket. The crisp, fresh bills from his newly received salary lay there. At that very moment, Siraj's hand went limp and dropped to his side.