Unconditional Sorrow

 
Before you came into this life, I used to think
I had not a single valid reason
to live many years like eight or ten other people.
I thought, if I never found such a reason,
I would die without hesitation.

In those days it seemed to me
I would probably never find an acceptable reason to live.
You might be surprised to hear this is why I never married.
What everyone calls good proposals—
many such proposals came to our house.
I always said no.

This way I escaped from life for a time.
I thought, if I married and had a child,
then for their sake at least I would have to live!
I never wanted to live out of obligation;
I always wanted to live out of love.

Then again I would think,
if I truly found a reason to live someday,
I would keep myself alive for two or four extra years.
...Even then I would find release in time.

If I found such a person
whose hand I could hold and grow old without a second thought,
then I would give myself a chance...to grow old!
I would let the person inside me
live happily with this new person for several more decades.

One day. Suddenly meeting you!
It felt like I could live quite well for a few more years on earth.
Gradually I fell in love with you, and felt
that I too had a reason to live two or four more years in this world.

Then. Days passed. I was well. In the midst of wellness I discovered one day
that though I found a reason to live a few years,
one day or another I would still have to die!
I am quite possibly mistaking a shadow for an entire life,
a shadow that will vanish in an instant when the sun sets!

I feel lonely.
Like the moon burning in the night sky, I too am lonely.
From a distance it seems I am radiant with light,
but I know there is truly no one around me.

The moon I see from my window is actually...
tomorrow morning's moonlight in some other corner,
its body pitch-black when the full moon ends.
I have actually spent my whole life chasing mirages!
Nothing was ever truly mine, isn't now, and never will be.

I wondered, am I then forcing myself to be with you?
My heart scolded and said, forcing yourself, what's that supposed to mean?
People force themselves to stay in marriage, not in love!

What really happens is I never
prove or express myself to anyone.
This is why no one can quite understand or know me! Not at all!

Truly, sometimes I feel terribly lonely.
I feel there's no ground beneath my feet, no roof above my head.
I'm standing exactly in the middle of some fathomless ocean,
ready to sink with a splash into the deep depths any moment...

I really don't have many things.
Many, many things! Never mind other things...
I don't even have a bed where I can lie down in the middle of the night.

My life has no conditions either.
Not one line of my life has ever run on conditions!
So I only have sorrow. That sorrow is unconditional sorrow.