Trying to shake off doubt

 These days I feel like going far away.
 Somewhere I can truly disappear,
 where nothing holds me back anymore.
 All this noise no longer pleases me—age, perhaps, has crept up on me.
 This attachment, these old bonds, nothing draws me as it once did.
  
 Far away I'll go, or to put it more clearly,
 I'll withdraw into distance. There I'll live alone, with myself!
 I'll take along baskets full of your words,
 nothing else. I can't talk to anyone now.
 When you come to mind I'm lost in some intoxication…
 Is that love? Or isn't it tenderness?
 If it isn't, then why this ache?
 Whatever it is, I endure it! Endure—that's what one must do!
  
 These days sorrows arrive and steal time away.
 I hide myself in the pretense of work, telling myself,
 such work has so much meaning! Work begins at dawn,
 dressed in work until evening, while love stays folded in the creases of my clothes.
  
 Tell me, why are you like this? Don't I deserve to live?
 I don't speak with you. You know why?
 So many words I mean to say, but my throat catches when I part my lips!
 What if speaking makes you leave…the fear of it!
 These days I'm afraid—of losing, of being lost.
 When did I find you again? Will you vanish, just like that?
 Now I understand: fall in love and every fool becomes truly foolish!
  
 Just yesterday! I took pen in hand to write you a letter.
 Suddenly I thought: what if thinking of you brings nothing to mind,
 what if the page stays blank, what if words flee far away,
 what if no proper letter emerges—will you vanish then?
 If I have nothing to give you, if everything runs dry,
 will you stay beside me even then? Or drift carelessly to another nest?
  
 If you leave and never return,
 that day tears will come, stubborn memories will arrive unbidden,
 my heart will surely beg for love!
 Even if it does, will my heart find you that day?
 And if it does, seeing me you'll feel such pity, won't you? Tell me?
  
 I remember so clearly,
 on some sunlit day,
 holding your hand I walked through a grove of wild cane.
 I asked, will you love me?
 Come, let's both of us bring down the sun
 into our hearts! Have you seen the krishnachura's color?
 Will you give me just a little of that red?
 That day in the flower garden the butterfly,
 the bird of joy against the tree,
 witnessed my longing.
 Laughing with shy eyes you said nothing at all,
 only held my hand and walked.
  
 Once I thought that with memories of love
 a person lives magnificently! If I pour out this heart
 in love…through tears, bearing hurt, if I keep it
 in wounds of laughter, will it then cast me aside?
 Now at least you exist! So many thoughts come to mind,
 I'll sit you close and have a grand conversation,
 cook and feed you, comb your tousled hair,
 tap you gently on the nose, give you a knock on the head,
 gaze steadily into your eyes and make your heart tremble…
 Then why can I do none of this?
 When you appear before me, when my soul opens to speak,
 words won't come to my tongue's tip—I forget everything!
  
 You too are so secretive! You keep all love locked away!
 When you see my madness, you reason it down and suppress it!
 Do you keep all those letters carefully?
 Or do you just throw them away unread? Do you think
 those letters are just word-games, the fruit of secret thoughts!
 You never think of me,
 never write to me even a little,
 your parade of letters never seeks me out…
  
 Why is this so?
 Whether you think of me or not,
 whether the love is real or not,
 whether I exist within you or not,
 whether you eat dried fish curry or not,
 whether you rub sunlight on your skin or not,
 whether you laugh when you wear a sari or not,
 whether you put jasmine in your bun or not,
 whether you look back over your shoulder or not,
 whether you notice the red dot on your forehead or not,
 whether you hear glass bangles chime or not,
 whether you touch the flower in your nose or not,
 whether you press lip to lip or not,
 whether you bind the twilight light or not…
 Is it forbidden to know such things?
  
 Though you exist I still dress only as I please…
 Don't I feel anger too?
 I remove the dot from my forehead and stick it on a leaf,
 my bundle of bangles stays trapped in a glass cage!
 Alta on my feet, red lips, kohl-rimmed eyes—
 no one sees…sari or blouse, they just hang in the wardrobe!
 I walk in jeans, rush about in tops…I don't like any of this,
 yet I wear them deliberately! See, all of it!
 Then why don't you say anything? When this indifference of yours toward me
 comes to mind, does the heart want to dress up anymore?
  
 Still I think you're a good person!
 All this torment I cause, this burning,
 and you never scold me!
 Then I know you love me! Otherwise,
 would anyone endure so much?
 Still, why won't you say it—I love you!
 Am I forbidden to hear it?
 Afraid of being caught out?
 What harm if you're caught?
 If you love, why hesitate?
 Whatever I've gained in this life, whatever I've saved,
 I'm ready to give it all, if only you'll come to this home!