To Elder Brother

Dear Didi,

You are the most precious treasure I've received for free in this life. I won't say how much I've loved you—I'm too shy to speak of such things. I can never express anything properly anyway. But you know, when you're beside me, it feels as though Ma herself is by my side.

That day on the train, on that tiny little berth, when you asked me to sleep next to you, something stirred inside my chest all of a sudden. Even today I don't understand why it affected me so. I kept thinking, "When Ma leaves this world, I'll have nowhere else to go." This notion that I've nursed and nurtured my whole life—it's completely wrong. I have you, Didi!

When Ma goes, you may not be able to replace her entirely, that's fine, but perhaps you'll help me forget that terrible ache of Ma not being there. You'll shelter me just like Ma would. I don't know what's come over me suddenly, but I feel like I've won, I've won so completely! I have everything, everyone. From today I want to live, I want to live for many more years!

Even though you scold me almost all day about this and that—about my clothes, my beliefs, my ways of moving through the world, my religion or philosophy—you say whatever comes to mind whenever it pleases you, still I love you dearly. Sometimes I do feel terrible pain hearing all this, I cry a lot. I stay alone, don't talk to anyone, but the moment you show me affection again, I forget everything.

Didi, loving you all these years has taught me something, you know? It's this: when someone loves you, you must learn to forget their mistakes.

Stay well!

Your little mad one