The Worthless One's Quest for Worth

Tomorrow’s Prothom Alo will feature my article on preparation strategies for the Bangladesh Affairs section of the BCS written exam. Last week’s piece was on International Affairs. I’ve now covered all subjects for the written exam. If any other techniques come to mind, I’ll share them on my Facebook wall. Those who don’t have these articles can find the older posts on my wall. Soon I’ll write in Prothom Alo about overall preparation strategies and exam fitness.

Here I am, writing about Bangladesh Affairs and International Affairs! It still feels unbelievable to me! Why? Let me explain.

I don’t have the habit of reading newspapers. Before I started preparing for the BCS exam, I barely read anything in the paper except the entertainment and literary pages. We kept two newspapers at home. I didn’t read either of them. Only when forced by BCS preparation did I reluctantly start reading five or six papers online daily, and after landing the job, I stopped reading papers again. What’s happening in the country and the world, which way the political winds are blowing, the dynamics of business and commerce—I never had any headache about these matters. I knew nothing, understood nothing, and felt no remorse about it. My principle was: if I don’t need something or don’t enjoy it, I don’t bother with it. Why must one know everything? As for those who find happiness in knowing everything about the world, “let them be happy in their happiness.”

I started preparing for the BCS exam. I realized I had only four to five months for both preliminary and written tests. (Actually, I had even less time.) After beginning my preparation, my first impression was: everyone knows everything, I know nothing. I saw many people who had practically done their honors-masters-PhD in BCS and were now in their postdoctorate phase. In a coaching class on International Affairs, a teacher made me stand up and asked, “What’s the name of India’s Foreign Minister?” (I later learned it should be “External Affairs Minister.”) A boy who feels proud and boastful just for knowing the name of India’s Prime Minister could hardly be expected to know this—and wouldn’t feel any guilt about not knowing it! I couldn’t answer. Looking around, I saw the laughter had begun. That’s when I realized, “This was supposed to be an easy question.” The teacher said, “Let’s see, can anyone else answer this?” Everyone raised their hands and answered. Everyone could do it! I understood that at that moment, my face should look somewhat embarrassed. As I was desperately trying to make my shameless face appear bashful, the teacher said, “I’ve heard many good things about you. You’re supposedly a computer engineer, a good student. Why can’t you answer this? What’s your age?” I thought, what’s the matter? Is he going to arrange my marriage? But who would give their daughter to an unemployed boy like me? (I wasn’t actually unemployed—I had my own coaching center and other businesses; I earned quite well. But in our country, if educated boys don’t have jobs, everyone thinks they’re unemployed.) While thinking all this, I told him my age. The reply I heard was: “Oh, I see! You still have age on your side. You can take the BCS at least three or four times. Keep trying. There’s no chance of succeeding the first time, but you might succeed after trying two or three times. Your basics are weak.” I said nothing to the teacher. But I was furious. All my trust and respect for him vanished at that moment. He seemed like an irresponsible person to me. Someone who could make such a confidently wrong assessment of me on first meeting—there was no question of attending his classes, no matter how good they might be! I already knew I couldn’t do anything! That’s why I came to coaching. Would I have come if I could? I’m a fool—did I come all this way from home, wasting time and money on transport, just to hear this? I don’t need to come this far to hear that. My mother tells me this at least ten times a day at home! Right then I decided I would never attend his classes again. And I didn’t.

I later learned he was a distinguished BCS specialist, extremely weak in math, English, Bengali, and science, but a great scholar in general knowledge, who had failed the BCS five times. He could diagnose the reasons for everyone’s failures except his own. He knew that Sushanta couldn’t do anything in general knowledge. But he didn’t know that Sushanta was no worse than any honors-masters student in Bengali, English, math, and science—if not better. He also didn’t know that just being a parrot in general knowledge, sitting in various cages and calling out in entertaining ways, might earn some applause, but won’t make you a BCS cadre. You might have memorized even the name of Clinton’s wife’s friend’s pet dog, but if you write “My grandfather was a black dog…” when asked to translate “আমার নানার একটা কালো কুকুর ছিল” into English, nothing will work. Truly, nothing at all will work.

In the first model test for International Affairs at the coaching center, I scored 17 out of 100! Needless to say, mine was the lowest score. The second-lowest was 38—more than double my score plus four! Imagine my condition! The others had started much earlier; I had never even heard of BCS before; I had just begun—I could have comforted myself with such thoughts. But I didn’t. I thought, fine, maybe I don’t know anything, but that’s not really my fault. However, if I don’t do anything to overcome that weakness, if I just sit with my hands and feet folded, that would certainly be my fault! I started studying extremely hard, beginning from absolute zero. Instead of feeling dejected thinking about what others could do, I began working with two things in mind. First, how much do I really need to know what everyone else knows? I started studying more intelligently rather than blindly. I shook off the idea that I had to study exactly what everyone else studied. Second, instead of comparing myself with someone good at general knowledge, I started comparing myself only with myself. How much more or less could today’s Sushanta do compared to yesterday’s Sushanta—that’s all I thought about. My competition was with myself. Not trying to surpass anyone else, but “today’s me” trying to surpass “yesterday’s me.” I did this every day. Those who are good didn’t become good overnight. Such skills are acquired through much hard work and practice. If a student who usually scores 20 in math ever scores 24, then he is successful. I know 33 is passing and he failed; still, I would say he is successful. He managed to surpass himself. This way, one day he will score 100 out of 100! For this, he needs to work very, very, very hard with understanding and make it a habit. The interesting thing is, winning is a habit. Those who get one job keep getting jobs. Let me mention here that losing is also a habit. By the way, those of you in coaching, don’t feel bad if you get low marks in coaching tests. Many people arrange questions beforehand just to be heroes in front of girls and take the “exam.” Getting coaching questions is no big deal. I’ve seen many such fellows get caught red-handed.

If a boy who had never properly heard the name BCS, who had never taken any job exam in his life, could come first in the BCS exam on his first attempt, then why can’t you? Whether coming first is in your destiny or not, if you try with everything you have, you’ll at least get the job. Do you think I became first easily? Not at all! For this, I had to spend many nights without sleep. I had to say goodbye to many small pleasures. I had to swallow people’s big words and keep studying with my mouth shut.

I believe you can do it too. Those who get jobs are not more qualified than you in any way. Have faith in yourself, respect yourself, work day and night to fulfill your dreams. Leave the rest to the Creator!

Good luck!