The Two Fair-Winged Ones: 4

This hour of tonight is undoubtedly unlike any other. I awoke suddenly to a vague sound of faint moaning! I could sense...the sound was coming from within me. Being quite absent-minded, I remember nothing of what I did after yesterday afternoon.

My body seems to have grown numb from excessive fatigue—in this state, I lack even the strength to rise from bed. Better to lie quietly, remaining still for a while. My body is so numb—I can barely move my left arm, nor am I trying to. This feels quite comfortable...though occasionally my chest contorts with unbearable pain.

No! I shouldn't continue lying like this much longer. With great effort I tried to turn on my side, succeeding after some time, but the left side of my body feels somehow deadened. Perhaps I slept on the other side for too long, which is why it feels this way! Still, my right hand remains quite mobile and I can sense everything properly.

I began touching my body slowly, trying to understand where exactly the problem lies! I've never before felt such pleasure touching my own body—the depth of sensation I feel now, and have been feeling lately!

In the moonlight I can see the parts of my body clearly! As I run my hand over it, it feels as though...my hand is sinking into some soft, deep chasm! A beautiful yet strangely intense fragrance makes me restless!

This had happened to me once before—when I embraced my beloved very tightly for the last time. I've regarded that isolated incident as the supreme fortune of my life.

Once, I had an extreme obsession with scent. Any sweet fragrance...would wonderfully enhance my imagination; the intense fragrances of certain flowers were also on my list of favorites; through this analysis of scent, it was possible to discover all dimensions of how much truth, sharpness, and hatred exist within people.

But the familiar scent of my beloved's body—that made me most restless of all. You could say that's where all the madness began.

Understanding this isn't such an easy task—when you begin to live intimately with someone's soul, that is, if touching a person triggers tremendous madness and feelings of love within you...only then can you use that gentle, sweet fragrance at will in your imagination; though mastering this is also extremely difficult and time-consuming. But yes, I managed it quite easily—because I had no idea it was such an arduous thing to master.

My condition was much like that bumblebee—who didn't know that his physical structure lacked any capacity for flight, yet flew merrily along. To explain further—this large bee simply didn't know he could never fly. Perhaps that's why one shouldn't always know everything, shouldn't face every truth—it destroys the will to live, even the strength itself.

Some false imaginings soothe the mind, and most of the time they are gentle as candlelight and soft as petals—why need we know reality in that moment? I too have done many things unknowingly, which even now make me want to compare myself to some strange, invisible, silent sensation.

...But this fragrance is quite different still. Never before...have I breathed in such a beautiful scent; a silent, long time began to pass slowly...where there is no excessive conversation, no doubt—only the soundless tremor of gentle breathing...which is actually heavy, yet feels like light air in the intense heat.

Wait...how did the moonlight enter the room? This shouldn't happen. The eastern window always stays closed.

Ah, I'd forgotten...the little children come to play cricket in the neighboring field every afternoon in groups—this is their doing.

There was a loud sound that day...when I had submerged my entire body in water, absorbed in myself. So a piece of glass from one corner of the window had shattered—just the day before yesterday.

What are eyes actually a symbol of? Fear? Contempt? Anguish? Or hatred? Do those eyes that almost constantly chase me actually exist? So many things happen in this world that we cannot explain—perhaps only God knows well the workings of this mystery.

Now, at what exact moment does human consciousness develop? Leave it, I can think about such things another time. Right now, at this very moment, the restlessness working through my entire body...let me analyze that instead; though various questions keep peeking into my mind.

Something strange has happened too...I hadn't been thinking much about it until now, because this God-given beauty of form in the moonlight has kept me spellbound!

But what has happened is—I never go to sleep without clothes on my body. And now that it's November, the nights are quite cold...so the question of sleeping...completely naked doesn't arise. Yet, however uncomfortable I should have felt...nothing of the sort is affecting me.

Ahh! This intense fragrance will drive me mad! Is this the strong scent of night jasmine? Or something else? No no, this isn't the fragrance of any ordinary flower. Then what is it?

Now, if just the day before yesterday at that moment of terrible sound—a piece of window glass fell...then why didn't I notice it? Have I been lying on this bed like this for these two days!

(End of Part Four)