The Story of Life (Unfinished)

Why marry if you don’t like the person? Because their career is impressive? You’ll be happy? Are you sure? You marry a human being, not their career. I’ve never thought that way, never will.

What good is a job? Life itself is what matters. Everything else is just fairy tales to fool children.

I don’t like careerist people. I’m not one bit like that myself, you see. Those who are can stay that way if it makes them happy. I turned someone away, or perhaps she turned me away, or maybe fate itself turned us away from each other, because she believed: career first, then life. I think the opposite. Life first, and if there’s time, career. How long will we live anyway? What use will any of this be when we’re dead? I want so much to love life. I want to laugh. I want to play with birds and flowers. I want to make mistakes. I want to live in my own way. I want to live without regrets. I want to live without being anyone’s rival. I’ll live, laugh, make mistakes, wander around a little and see things, and then one day I’ll just disappear while laughing. That’s it!

That I’m alive—this is already so much! This is the bonus! What more could I possibly want? It’s not as if God was obligated to keep me alive. Why must I think like everyone else? I’ll be myself. If not like Amalakanta, then I’ll be like sunshine itself. Who ever made such a decree that one must become something? No one did! What happens if I become nothing? Let it be, even so!

I cannot be hypocritical. Not even if it kills me. What I think, what I believe—that’s what I say. Let everyone else get ahead. It won’t matter. Whether I’ll be alive tomorrow isn’t even certain. What’s the use of making hundred-year plans? I’m a simple fool who lives in the world of each moment. As long as I’m alive, I’ll live. Say, if I cease to exist after today, there would be no sorrow. My life will be like a sparrow’s—flitting about, a small life. I don’t want to live too long. I have only one wish: that however long I live, I live without regrets. That I live without hurting anyone, without harming anyone. That’s it!

I’m really not suited for this civil service. I can’t flatter, can’t tell charming lies, can’t be hypocritical. My boss doesn’t particularly like me either. I can’t keep saying ‘Yes sir, yes sir.’ I carry myself with tremendous self-respect. What else does a middle-class person have? Let life go if it must, but let dignity remain. I think, let them post me wherever they want. I won’t bow my head in disgraceful ways. Not even if I die. It’s a small life. It can be lived through!

This watching movies, reading books, listening to songs, singing, writing whatever I write… I’m doing quite well! What would have come of it if I hadn’t been doing so well? Who am I anyway? Why did God have to keep me alive? I’m alive—that’s wonderful! Just being alive accomplishes so much. I wasn’t supposed to get anything at all. Yet I have! I wasn’t supposed to pass honors, yet I did! I came first in BCS, studied at IBA. So much has been gained! What more do I want! I have to go further still. I know I will! Just staying alive will be enough. The rest will happen on its own.

So many people love me! Oh my…! It hurts! It hurts so much! Their love makes me feel guilty every moment. I never have time to love them back. No, I often forget! Yet they still love. Why do they love? Who am I? Why must I be loved at all? So I’ve decided I’ll stand by them. Those who’ve forgotten how to dream—I’ll teach them to dream. That’s it! Those who’ve forgotten how to live—I’ll teach them to live. Those who’ve forgotten how to laugh—I’ll teach them to laugh. I don’t want anyone to be lost. I know how much it hurts to be lost! Once upon a time I was in their ranks too. I was nobody too. I was more neglected than street dogs. I wasn’t even supposed to be alive. So there’s no more fear. I’m alive—that’s enough. Even if I don’t become like ten other brilliant people, even being one dim person and staying alive accomplishes much. Let others not know—I know! Once I thought, what’s the use of staying alive? Oh! How wrong I used to think! Childish, really! All this comes to mind now.

I have great courage. Those who can gamble with life never lack courage. No one might even believe in this courage. I don’t want to live life so carefully. I simply cannot tolerate harmful people. They say, Sushanta, be a little understanding. I laugh inwardly. What will happen, I wonder? Will they give me low marks in the ACR? Let them. Will they give me a bad posting? Let them. I can’t let life lose to livelihood. Come what may. Life is just one. They say, no, no Sushanta, be a little accommodating. Those annoying people might become your boss someday. I say, how can you be certain I’ll live that long? Is such longevity written on my forehead? As long as I’m alive, I’ll live well. What will be will be. In Latin: Que sera, sera. Meaning, whatever was, was; whatever is, is; whatever will be, will be. That’s it! What will be will be. I’m not very religious. But I deeply believe in the Gita’s main message. I carry it in my life. This is how I live. Let them win! I can’t do it! You all watch—one day I’ll win by losing. The rat race isn’t for me. Never has been. Never will be, I know. Once my job is permanent, I’ll just take off traveling. I’ll complete my PhD too. I’ll come back and work, have a family. I’ll make a few mistakes and correct them a bit and make up for things. I’ll listen to life’s songs, sing them too. After that? What will happen after that? Let that much arrive first!