The spring that clouds

 
I wanted to be a little angry with you. I wasn't.
I thought, you hardly see me as it is,
if I get angry, and you become so frightened
that you never look at me again, what then?


I wanted to sulk with you a little. I didn't.
I thought, you don't let me come close as it is,
if I sulk, and you get terribly annoyed
and push me away for this lifetime, what then?


I wanted to show you my sorrow. I didn't.
I thought, you already call me an opportunist,
if I show my pain, and you think it's just pretense
and make my sorrow even greater, what then?


I wanted to care for you a little. I didn't.
I thought, you keep misunderstanding me as it is,
if I try to care, and you misunderstand even more
and give me an ocean of grief, what then?


I wanted to keep track of you a little. I didn't.
I thought, you stay so hidden as it is,
if I try to inquire, and you plead busyness
and hide yourself even deeper, what then?


I wanted to make love with you a little. I didn't.
I thought, you think I'm a liar as it is,
if I want to love, and you call me a fraud
and truly run away this time, what then?


I wanted to buy you a gift. I didn't.
I thought, you're already fed up with my troubles,
if I try to give you something, and it wounds your pride
and you call to scold me, what then?


I wanted to touch your eyes a little. I didn't.
I thought, you've kept me far beyond your sight as it is,
if I try to touch your eyes, and you think it's some excuse
and throw me away in an instant, what then?


I wanted to cook for you someday. I didn't.
I thought, you can't quite trust me as it is,
if I say I'll cook for you, and doubt enters your mind
and you won't let me see you anymore, what then?


I wanted to see you many times. I didn't.
I thought, you can't stand me as it is,
if I ask to meet, and you get angry
and block me everywhere, what then?


I wanted to love you so very much. I didn't.
I thought, you have no faith in love as it is,
if I try to love, and suddenly in fierce hatred you
dismiss me as worthless, what then?


I don't mind anything. These things happen.
The one I want doesn't want me.
The one who wants me, I don't want.
At mealtime, when I see cardamom on my plate I recoil.
In living, when you see me in life you recoil.
These things happen. Until we go blind, we must see it all.