The Slightly-Off Peg

 
Keep me busy, remember...never forget. All the kingdom's pointless tasks that pile up, load them one by one onto my shoulders. Give me fewer words...and more work, keep me distracted and confused, however you please!


Strange, now and then I wonder—why do I feel I'm walking only backwards these days? An old poem sometimes burns terribly...! And just then, such nonsense comes to mind! That I never paid attention to that poem...never! Just carelessly scratched marks on paper! That same poem now hurls questions at me even in this silence!


They say whatever you cast aside carelessly becomes closest to you...ah, if only I had known! Sometimes I merely spend time, not awareness. In that void of consciousness, wrapped in some stale consolation...it burns terribly even from beyond sight!—I, you, we...everyone is like this, perhaps!


Today, after so long, I found a lover for that old poem written so carelessly. I'm terrified of these restless, inconstant lovers! They come, they go...when, why...impossible to know! Even in close relationships they stay busy building walls, what a pack of worms! Their disguise...will change anytime...once the work is done!


Remember, nothing is to be forgotten! I've learned to recognize the quicksand of relationships quite well...probably far better than you! Surprised to hear this? Think I've learned very mature things? Listen, don't let termites burrow into the wood...or it will suddenly break, and you won't even know!


Suppose you're living a tremendously forceful life right now! At this very moment, if life hurled two options at you...one, suicide. Two, love...then what? Suppose there's nothing else beyond these! No success, no failure. No fulfillment...that too is absent!...which would you choose? Don't go too deep, you shouldn't always go too deep. Sometimes, going deeper only makes it harder to balance the accounts.


Tell me, can a lover never become...a good friend? If so, what's wrong with that? To run life, we need both love and friendship together, don't we? If that's how it must be, then why don't so many of you want to be friends with the person you love? Why...?


These days you've completely forgotten writing! You keep writing only about death and nothing but death. But you're still alive, aren't you? That you're not dead even today—does that never occur to you?


I told you so many, many times! Saying it over and over may have ruined my head too. I couldn't force you, but still, I kept asking again and again...when will you come? When will you come? When...? Your this work, that work, this busyness, that busyness—everything is scheduled in advance. Only for me nothing is ever scheduled! You couldn't find time then, but now you have, right?


If I suddenly die now, don't pin a hundred such faults on me! How else could I have said it, tell me? I never wanted to force! You could say, when you have the right, you can certainly force! I actually never made you my own!...say whatever you like! Tell me, does behaving like this really suit you?


I never wanted to impose myself on you. Give me a chance to explain too? Like this, for instance—now, that fear of losing you that existed once has lightened somewhat. Do you know why?


When you love, you can get angry, feel hurt; quarrels happen, pain strikes; the weight of complaints certainly keeps growing day by day. But does that mean...you have to leave? When you love, can you leave? Could you?


I've already folded my hands and begged forgiveness—I can't do such things. Though sometimes I want to...give you some space to be yourself...I think all people have the right to spend some time alone, completely with themselves.


And this daily nagging I do, going on and on—this too needs updating sometimes, doesn't it? That's why I let go of the reins! I think, let it go wherever it wants, when the time comes it will return home! Where else would it go!


Suppose this boredom you feel toward me...what if it slowly grows? What if someday I become old news to you? Then what? Will you throw me away? When a relationship grows old, that's precisely when its youth begins! I know this much! Look, fear is rising in me...


Lately, you don't talk with me as much as before...why are you doing this? Come home today, today you'll be tried! Your punishment is inevitable! I'll make you do sit-ups holding your ears exactly one hundred times! Then...one hundred kisses, counted! After that...forgiveness!


I know very well, if you got such punishment, you'd never again stay silent like this for so long, not even by mistake! Why do you do this? Don't you need affection anymore, have I finally become old news?