I loved studying, and throughout school I was known as a fairly good student. Even during my school years, I dreamed of going to university when I grew up. But from a small town, this dream seemed a bit too much like reaching for the stars. I was my parents' first child. Mother always taught me to be responsible and would say that eldest children need to have good digestion; they have to silently swallow so many things—sorrow, suffering, pain, injustice, humiliation. But I was quite hot-tempered, with a fierce sense of self-respect and stubbornness working within me. We were financially well-off—Father had a job in Bolpur, and I, Mother, and my younger sister all lived there with him. My sister wasn't very good at studies; she was three years younger than me. She looked incredibly sweet, so Father lovingly named her Khushbu! When the older aunts in the neighborhood would say that I too was apparently a sweet-looking boy, I'd feel embarrassed hearing it. Father had also chosen my name—Sourav. Father naturally loved fragrant things, hence such names for us two siblings. February 2004. I was then an SSC candidate. Studies were going on with great intensity; the goal was to surpass everyone. Everyone had so much faith in me that I couldn't let it break—keeping this thought in mind, I finished all the exams one by one. After giving the final exam, I slept for eighteen straight hours! From after our test exams right up to the end of the SSC exams, I would sleep for only one-third of the last part of each night. My body, mind, and even my eyes had become exhausted. Lying in bed, the entire five years spent at school first floated before my eyes. So many memories, so many moments, so many hours passed there; especially the memories of the last two years kept floating up in my mind again and again! I had learned to understand so much, learned to recognize people, and had also made my acquaintance with reality. In my class, Sudha held second place on the merit list—second meaning formerly first. In class eight, she was first and I was second. In the JSC exams, we both got A-plus, but I received a scholarship while she didn't; so naturally in class nine I was first and she was second. She couldn't accept this in any way. After getting admitted to the science section, for several days Sudha would behave terribly with me in class, always looking for opportunities to humiliate me. She competed with me quite ruthlessly. But I had no competition with her! I never looked at her in that way. But Sudha couldn't stand me at all. Sudha was the most enchanting among the girls in our class, at least in my eyes. What everyone understands by beautiful—tall and fair—I didn't think like that at all. Sudha wasn't tall, though she was fair, and there was a kind of magic woven into her eyes and face. Once you looked at her, you'd want to keep looking. Who would want to quarrel with such an enchanting doe! But thinking that I was a thorn in her eye made me feel very helpless. Whenever she got a chance to humiliate me, she wouldn't spare me from harsh words. Our religion teacher was terribly hot-tempered and a very strict disciplinarian. His name was Azmal Sir; just as he was nearly six feet tall, so were his large red eyes. Everyone feared him—we had nicknamed him Azrail Sir! While at school, giving each teacher a nickname was practiced almost like an art. The teachers didn't let us off either—they would call each student by endearing names according to their position or physical build! One of my friends wore glasses; he was the only one in class. So the science teacher had named him Kanababu! I didn't escape either—they called me Ketur Bap! One day, Sudha suddenly stood up and told Azmal Sir that she wanted to say something. Getting permission, she stepped forward and handed him a note. Everyone looked at the teacher as he began reading aloud: "You are very sweet, Sudha; I mean, in looks and all! But you're no more than the makha sandesh from Asuda's shop in our neighborhood! The more I see you, the more I want to keep looking, but here's the thing—whenever I see makha sandesh, I want to eat it! You're so kind, and such a big-hearted girl, tall as a palm tree, so can't you bring me about a kilo of makha sandesh from Asuda's shop when you come? Anyway, you study diligently, because we won't have to teach our children in the future, right!? And yes, we'll have exactly a dozen children, you and I together will basically form a football team, how about that? Alright then, you take care! No more today...I'm waiting for Asudaar dokaner makhasondesh! Yours, Ketur Bap" The entire class burst into laughter, and Azmal Sir roared, "Showing teeth again! I'll beat all of you and send you straight to Yama's door right now! Rascal children, coming to school and doing such things!" Meanwhile, I was completely stunned—I knew absolutely nothing about any of this! Thinking of the consequences, my liver dried up to near-dried fish, my life was about to leave my body! "Hey Sourav, stand up, my boy!" As soon as I heard these words, it felt like a lock clicked in my mind! Somehow I managed to stand up—I didn't even have the strength to stand. "Is what I just read true?" Before I could say anything, Sudha started crying... "Sir, he always bothers me like this, writes nonsensical things; whenever he gets a chance, he doesn't spare me from humiliation! I can't take it anymore, Sir!" The accusations that I should have been making against her—she was making those very accusations against me so casually! It was as if I had just fallen with a thud from the sky to the ground—I had never heard such words in my father's lifetime, er, no, I mean, not even in my own lifetime! Sir scolded her, and Sudha fell silent. He asked me again, "What happened? Can't you hear? Is everything Sudha said true or not?" My throat dried up like wood. Swallowing hard, I somehow managed to say, "No Sir, please believe me. Touching this bench, taking the religion book in my hand, I'm saying, Sir, I know nothing about any of this, I haven't done any of this. If you don't believe me, you'll be committing a sin, a sin!" The whole class fell silent hearing my words, and I myself got a bit startled! Oh no, what have I said—today there's no escape! But hearing my words, Azmal Sir burst into laughter. I was startled, stunned, worried, afraid...I couldn't make sense of anything—what was happening to me! Was I awake? Were these events really happening? Or was I asleep? Or was I in heaven, seeing everything upside down in great bliss! Stopping his laughter, Sir came to me and stroked my head and cheek, saying in an affectionate voice, "Yes, why are you so foolish? How will it work if you're so simple? Our shy Ketur Bap!" The whole class burst into laughter. I just stared in amazement. "We all know you, Sourav; this note isn't your writing. And whatever else, you simply cannot do this kind of thing! We've been watching you for the past four years." Hearing Sir's words, I couldn't control myself anymore—tears rolled down from my eyes. Seeing such trust in me, I was truly speechless. Sudha, whose plan had backfired, started grumbling in anger and sorrow. When she's angry, she looks even more enchanting—she probably doesn't know this! Meanwhile, for some reason I wasn't getting angry at her at all! Sir called Sudha and said, "Look Sudha, I don't know who put this note in your bag, and maybe you didn't see it either. Even though Sourav's name is written, I can tell the handwriting isn't Sourav's. Besides, our Sourav is a very good boy—he won't do such things. Go sit in your place." Sudha, puffing her cheeks and muttering, went and plopped down with a thud. That day's incident completely shattered all my wrong notions about Azmal Sir. I had been wrongly judging the man from the outside all these days—as hard as he appeared on the outside, he was equally soft inside. From then on, friends would often tease me with Sudha's name. Though I'd show anger outwardly, I actually enjoyed hearing it inside. Ah! How much happiness I used to get imagining myself as the father of enchanting Sudha's dozen children! Meanwhile, all this talk had also reached Khushbu's ears. Though she was only in class seven, looking at her behavior, conduct, and movements, it seemed like she was older than me! Seeing my sister, Sudha would avoid Khushbu, but Khushbu didn't take any of that to heart, nor would she talk to Sudha on her own, not even when necessary. I had asked her, "Hey, why can't you talk to Sudhabu? When she comes to our house, she looks at you so much—you could just talk to her once." "Forget it, I'm past that age! Has Sudhabu ever called me? Talking is far away! And why should I happily talk to someone who humiliates my brother, doesn't respect him, and makes false accusations against him!?" Seeing Khushbu's protective love for me, my eyes welled up—my little fairy had grown so much, had learned to understand! My mother, on the other hand, liked Sudha very much and would often go to Sudha's house to chat with her mother. Sudha and her mother would also come to our house, but only when necessary! Lost in these reminiscences, I eventually sank into deep sleep. I came first in the board in SSC. After getting the results in hand, everyone celebrated with me in joy—everyone except Sudha! Sudha was deeply hurt. My friend Oyon had also done better than her, but I didn't see even a bit of dissatisfaction toward Oyon, let alone jealousy! Anyway, setting everything aside, that day for the first time I went to talk to Sudha! Five long years had passed, but for even five minutes Sudha and I had never talked, yet a constant undefined war seemed eternally bound with fate! The one I never even spoke two words with was my eternal rival! My parents decided I would be admitted to Presidency College in Kolkata, and we would shift to Kolkata.
Upon hearing this news, all joy seemed to drain away in an instant. I would have to leave everything tied to my childhood memories, leave my playmates, leave Sudha and go away! How would I survive, what would I do! I knew nothing about Calcutta! More worrying still—would the boys and girls at Presidency College even associate with me? I was just a provincial village boy! Thinking about all this made my head feel like stone; I couldn’t hold myself together anymore and became desperate to see Sudha once more, to speak with her.
Walking toward Sudha’s house, I kept thinking—she’s such a girl, and she can’t stand me for even a moment! If I try to talk to her, who knows in how many ways she’ll humiliate me! But my heart refused to listen to reason and forcibly dragged me before Sudha! I thought she’d pounce on me the moment she saw me, but Sudha calmly walked up and said, “So you’re leaving then? For that Calcutta city! Of course you’ll go—with such brilliant results, why would you want our rustic rice to touch your lips anymore?! Wherever you live, just don’t curse me for stuffing so much misery into your bag!”
Hearing Sudha’s words, my heart nearly stopped beating! The hurt in her voice crashed over me like ocean waves! Not knowing what I should say, I blurted out, “If you need my notes, just tell me, okay?” Hearing this, Sudha flew into a rage! “Silly fool, coming to give me notes like some Bidyasagar! Tell me, will you ever develop any sense, or will you remain such a donkey for the rest of your life? I feel like grabbing you and slapping your cheeks!” As she said these words, tears spilled from her eyes and she ran home! I didn’t have the courage to call out to her one last time.
I returned home with vacant eyes and lay sprawled on my bed for an hour. Meanwhile, all the preparations for our departure to Calcutta had begun. Khushbu was terribly excited, strutting around the house. One after another, all our relatives came to visit, ate sweets, offered praise, and gifts piled up in heaps at home. All this commotion felt unbearable to me somehow. Only a little time remained, and then goodbye. Goodbye to Bolpur’s dirt roads, that pond, the vast fields, the school’s tiny classrooms, Asuda’s milk sweets, the lonely railway tracks, the mysterious web of enchantment—goodbye to everything!
At five in the morning, we set off for Calcutta. All my friends came, but my eyes kept searching only for Sudha, her face tearing my heart to shreds. I kept thinking—who told me to study so much? Even without such good results, it would have been fine, and what was the need for Presidency College in Calcutta anyway? What was lacking in our Bolpur? If I’d stayed here, would the Mahabharata have become impure somehow?! I don’t understand, what’s the point of studying so much?! All my dreams seemed to bow down before that one face! The truth is, when the time comes to lose something, only then does a person want to hold on tight. When we could have held on at will, when we could have flown kites across the horizon with colorful strings on the wings of desire—that’s when people carelessly forget to even hold the reel properly.
In Calcutta, we rented a three-room flat. Ma, Khushbu, and I decorated the little place together. Just like a weaver bird’s nest! In the evening, Baba and I went out for a walk; in the twilight, the unfamiliar city seemed like a fairytale kingdom. I was stunned with wonder! Little Bolpur seemed like a tiny alley compared to Calcutta! We wandered through several shops, bought some necessities, and returned around eight. After dinner, we all sat down to chat. Ma and Baba were terribly happy about me, and Ma kept teasing Khushbu by talking about me repeatedly.
“Hey, can’t you study with a little focus? Look how well your brother did! Everyone in Bolpur takes pride in your brother, everyone gave him gifts, tomorrow he’s going to study at such a prestigious college! And you spend all day primping and wandering through forests! When will this girl ever learn to understand!”
“Yes, yes, I get it, you don’t need to keep singing your son’s praises. I can’t study that hard. I’m grown up now, and I’m beautiful too—in a few days I’ll choose a prince and get married!” Saying this, Khushbu didn’t wait another moment; she made a face and went to her room. Baba couldn’t stop laughing. “Listen to your daughter! And you too—when the girl doesn’t want to, why force her to study so much? She’ll study as much as she wants, otherwise we’ll get her married.” Ma said nothing more.
I tossed and turned in bed for a long time but couldn’t sleep. What would tomorrow bring, how would I go, new college, new faces, different environment! I lay restless with all these exciting, anxious thoughts.
In the morning, Khushbu woke me up. I got ready quickly, finished breakfast, and we all headed out. Khushbu wore a red-bordered sari and looked absolutely beautiful—just like a Lakshmi statue! My little fairy had grown up so much! “What, brother, won’t you say how I look?” Khushbu’s words snapped me back; taking leave from my world of thoughts, I said, “You look absolutely terrible, like a barn owl! Ugh, if I go out with you, my style will turn to mush! Oh my, look how ghostly you look!”
Immediately she puffed up her cheeks and pulled out several strands of my hair. “Wait, now I’m going to pinch you! Scoundrel! Monkey! I look like a barn owl to you?! And what else did you say—oh yes, like a ghost! I’ll beat you to a pulp, you rascal!”
This Tom and Jerry game between us siblings went on all day… “You two will never become human beings, you’ve burned up all my flesh and bones! Stop this instant, or I’ll lock both of you in the room and you won’t need to go to Presidency.” Hearing Ma’s roar, both of us became well-behaved, civilized, obedient children and started walking behind Ma and Baba. I saw that Baba was laughing heartily at our antics!
Today was the first day at Presidency College. I was terribly anxious and felt a little scared too. What a grand college, and how beautiful! “Look, brother, so many boys and girls!” Khushbu’s excitement knew no bounds! She whispered in my ear, “Listen, brother, don’t go falling in love with all these beautiful girls! And listen, find me a sweet boyfriend, will you?” “Oh really! Wait, I’m telling Ma everything! When did you become so precocious! I’ll twist your ear—that’ll drive the sweet boy ghost off your shoulders!” Seeing our banter, Ma and Baba laughed heartily; their happiness seemed to come entirely from watching us. This peace I see on Ma and Baba’s faces is the blessing of a thousand lifetimes. Just thinking this, all my fatigue and fear vanished, and I found my confidence again. My little family filled with love is my strength; without them, I probably couldn’t have survived even a moment. I started when the class bell rang.
When class time came, I went to class while Ma, Baba, and Khushbu went to a nearby park. With various thoughts in my head, I stepped into the classroom. In such a large classroom, I somehow didn’t have the courage even to look around. Everyone was chatting amongst themselves. I quietly went and sat beside two boys. Suddenly someone tapped my shoulder from behind. I thought I’d turn around, but didn’t have the courage; a familiar voice from long ago seemed to reach my ears!
(To be continued…)