The Plastering of Thought-Walls: 124

 Thought: Eight Hundred Sixty-Two

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 One. No, I don't miss you. Believe me, I don't miss you at all!
 I only miss those tender eyes of yours, when you would look at me and smile.
 I only miss those moments when you would bring your lips close to my ear to share the smallest joys and then dissolve into laughter.
 I only miss those journeys when you would instinctively rest your head on my shoulder and eventually fall asleep.
 I only miss those glances of yours, which you would cast to say so much without words, and we would both laugh so much then.
 I only miss those three AMs when I wanted to hang up and you would say, you're hanging up now? I haven't even told you the real secret yet!
 I only miss those deep embraces of yours, which I received as gifts from you every time we met after long intervals.
 I only miss those messages of yours that read, text me when you get home, remember...
 I only miss those feelings of mine that I experienced sharing my favorite movies, music, food, thoughts, and so much more with you!
 I only miss that version of me who could share everything with you freely, without thinking twice.
 I only miss those emotions of yours that I could sense in you when a movie's ending didn't turn out the way you wanted.
 I only miss those silly dreams of yours that you would tell me about and keep telling me...
 I only miss those sulks of yours when you fought with your mother, when your pet cat wouldn't eat properly...
 I only miss those wounds in your heart that would surface repeatedly in our long conversations, wounds that had helped you build inner strength at different times.
 I only miss getting to know you anew, which I loved to think about for hours.
 Today you are gone, and I truly feel no pain about this.

 Everything that revolved around you still remains today. The pain is only this much!

 Today you are gone, yet except for you, there is nothing else in this life!

 People leave, but in life, only that person remains!
 Two. I know no one can chase away my sorrow. Love, friendship, my lover or husband—none of them can!
 I don't even want anyone to take away my sorrow! I truly don't.
 I have arranged myself just as I am. I don't want to move away from here myself.
 Sometimes I look for someone who will sit beside me and listen to my words. Someone who doesn't need to finish what I want to say after hearing me halfway. I don't need such an intelligent person. I don't want to test anyone's IQ. Rather, I need that simple person who will patiently sit quietly before me or on the phone and let me speak my thoughts as my heart desires.
 You don't need to keep me well; if you can understand me, I will be well. When I am in great pain, you don't need to take away my pain; rather, if you can just make me laugh a little then, I will be happy!
In this life, all the people I have encountered can do so many things, but not one of them can do that small something I truly need! In life, people get many things, but the little they truly want—that they never receive.
Three. I have committed murder.
I have killed that innocent person who once delighted in blowing bubbles, clapping with joy. That person who would wave at children, laughing and chattering away in conversation with them—I have murdered him. That person who believed everyone's words so easily—I told lies to that simple soul, day after day.
I have strangled that passionate person within me who always dreamed big dreams, who believed that one day he would change the entire world. His eyes held so much hope; he thought he would always remain just like that.
I have murdered with my own hands that simple person within me who could never understand what to hide and what to reveal. I used all his secrets to destroy him!
Yes, I have killed all my emotions, feelings, and self-confidence today. Now I think of no one, offer my heart to no one. When my friend needed me, I was alone. Today I have no lack of friends, yet still I remain alone.
I have killed that old self within me because I grew weary of constantly wearing masks before him. He was worthless! He was so foolish that he dreamed of changing the world one day! Yet today the world has changed him instead! But why did this happen? Look around you—you'll find the answer. Even if you don't want the answer, you'll be forced to get it!
Four.

"Will you hurt me?"
"Not intentionally, but sometimes you will feel pain. Perhaps you'll be hurt by my words, or by my behavior. When I do something you didn't expect from me, then you will hurt. Not everything always goes as we wish. But whether it goes our way or not, if we choose, we can shape our hearts to match the circumstances. This takes some time. During that time, we must stay together, even if it's painful."
"Your words frighten me!"
"You may well be afraid. People feel fear. To live, one must feel fear. To tell the truth, I'm afraid too. I'm afraid because I want you—otherwise I wouldn't be. You see, being together means staying together while accepting the risk of separation. We don't know what lies ahead. No one does. To fall in love means accepting the risk of losing the person you love. Just as life cannot be conceived without death, love's existence cannot be conceived without pain."
"Will everything work out for us?"
"Perhaps not, but we can adjust if we stay together. Even if we don't, at least some part of life will pass in happiness, won't it?"
Keep one thing in mind—if I ever say something that has two meanings, always assume I meant it in the way that doesn't hurt you. A person doesn't say things to hurt someone they love; they themselves go looking for pain in those words. Just don't do that, and everything will be fine.
Thought: Eight Hundred Sixty-Three

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One. It's raining outside. A drowsy evening. You sit on the balcony with a cup of tea in hand. Watching the rain and thinking of that first day when you met them. They left, yet they keep returning. Again and again, even today they've come. Those who leave are the ones who stay!
When they were beside you, life was so much more beautiful. Memories float up in your mind, one by one. Once upon a time you could make promises so easily, believe so readily; now you can't, you're afraid. Rain or no rain, when they were near, the thrill would always stir. Holding their hand could make even a sun-scorched afternoon feel like the sweetest moment.
Even bad exam results didn't feel terrible to share with them. When you got a haircut, you'd show them first of all. You could tell them everything. They knew that once you started talking, you wouldn't stop easily, yet they listened to you with their whole heart. All the things about them you didn't like—in time you began to love those too. When someone truly loves another, they eventually come to love even their bad habits.
They never combed their hair, laughed too loudly, always kept a mischievous glint dancing in their eyes. At first you'd scold them terribly for these things; later, these very qualities became what you loved. The movies you watched together are still your favorite movies—yes, even now!
They're gone today. Life has become somehow different! Because of them your daily routine changed so much that now, in their absence, this changed routine itself feels unnatural. You still stay awake late into the night, though you have no one to talk to. When you suddenly discover a beautiful song, there's no one left to share it with. You feel terrible, but there's nothing to be done.
You've learned to live without them. You'll learn more in the days ahead. Yet you often feel life was supposed to be more beautiful. Whatever you do, you remember them. Life would have been more wonderful if they were beside you. You lack nothing, yet you're always wanting something...
Two. I know no one really tells you these things, but you need to know them.
When you slipped and fell in the mud, when you asked foolish questions in class, or when you stood sweating and stammering before your crush—no one remembers these things; though when they happened, everyone laughed at you plenty. Believe me, this has happened to all of us. Every awful situation has an end.
You've changed. You're no longer that foolish boy or girl you once were. Someone who once couldn't speak at all now speaks quite coherently. Someone who once ran away from everyone now knows how to get along with all. Yes, you've come a long way. No one makes fun of you like that anymore.
But your heart still aches sometimes, you still can't do many things despite trying your best.
Night after night of staying awake, mug after mug of black coffee finished, yet somehow everything still falls apart; what you want to accomplish never quite happens in the end. When this occurs, stay calm; sometimes, you must learn to forgive yourself. This happens to everyone—you are not alone.
Take a little break. Get some rest. Allow yourself to slack off a bit. Life is not about keeping yourself constantly busy worrying about what the future will or won't bring. Those C's and D's on your grade sheet will one day become nothing more than English letters. What are grades today will someday be happy memories. Poor grades don't mean a poor career. Bad results don't mean the end of life. Hanging your head in front of classmates doesn't mean hanging your head before the world. Wait—when the time comes, time itself will speak.
When you feel like being alone, be alone. Go somewhere by yourself. Sit in a coffee shop with earphones plugged in for hours, walk through a park eating nuts, close the doors and windows of your room and dance wildly to your favorite song. If you can't occasionally go mad in your own company, you'll truly go mad!
Being alone doesn't mean loneliness; often we see people drowning in infinite solitude even while beside someone else. Everyone needs moments when they can talk to themselves. Learn to be alone with yourself before someone else leaves you alone—you'll save yourself much pain.
Hard times pass. The version of yourself that seems worthless right now will one day lift your head high. Take care of your self. Look around—somewhere, someone still has faith in your abilities, still loves you, still takes pride in you. At the end of the day, those who are happy to accept you as you are—they are your friends; the rest are merely acquaintances. Keep yourself well, if only for your friends.
Three. When you sleep, I watch you. It pleases me. I listen to the sound of your breathing—it pleases me. My heart settles peacefully in your eyes. I begin to feel that with this person beside me, I would willingly give up attachment to anything else in this world. You look so beautiful sleeping, so enchanting.
We now live in an era when receiving someone's love is the greatest fortune in this world. If you happen to meet someone you enjoy giving space to in your heart, someone who makes you feel unburdened, then there remains no obstacle to loving that person with everything you have. But I cannot easily fall for just anyone. Know this about me.
I'm probably a bit of a suspicious type. Whether or not doubt naturally arises when I see someone, I force myself to create suspicion. But nothing like that has happened in my mind about you so far. I enjoy thinking about you, I enjoy keeping you within myself. I look at you and think that in every person's life there is at least one for whom infinite compassion and forgiveness accumulates in their heart.
I forget all of life's sorrows when you are beside me. Looking into your eyes, I feel like living the rest of my life as a good person. The one who makes you want to live well just by seeing them—that is the person of your heart!
Everyone warns me to be careful. They say I'm so deeply immersed in love with you that I'll suffer for it later. But I know myself—no matter how much pain I endure, I'll keep trying to hold onto you. I won't let you slip away easily, without a fight. This is my challenge to myself!
I don't know how my words sound to you. Perhaps you think I'm mad! That some madness has possessed my mind, making me think this way. Know this—it's not madness, this is who I am. The part of me that belongs to you thinks exactly like this. The rest of me is perfectly sane and normal, but your version of me is precisely this mad.
Thought: Eight Hundred Sixty-Four

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One. Often, thoughts of dying come to mind.
As everyone says, is dying truly as peaceful as all that? When the time comes, will angels really descend from heaven? Or will some demon arrive to drag me mercilessly to hell?
Sometimes I think, let this life just end! No no, I don't want to end myself—I don't have that courage; I only want this life to end. Sometimes I'm curious to know what happens when life ends.
When I depart, will I say something? Or will I have no desire to speak at all then? Who will be beside me then? Or will I find no one at all to bid farewell to? How many people depart without saying goodbye!
Will none of those I love be there beside me that day? Well, there are so many people who love me but could never say it aloud—will none of them come that day either?
When we see someone die before our eyes, it strikes something within us. Well, how many people will I strike that day?
Lately, I've been thinking about death. There's nothing wrong with that, at least I don't see anything wrong with it.
I should be happy now, should have found peace. But where is any of that happening! Tell me yourselves—if I don't think about death, who will? Everyone says that people find peace only in death! People do so many things for peace, and I can't even manage to die!?
Two. When two people love each other, they don't both love equally. There's always more and less. One of them loves more, cares more, calls more, thinks more about the other, shares more thoughts and feelings, says 'I love you' more often; yes, and annoys more too!
Suppose you have such a love with someone. When you look into their eyes, you'll see an ocean of tenderness for you clinging there! So much that seeing it will frighten you! At some point you'll feel ready to give whatever they want. Whatever they deserve, you'll give at any cost!
At the same time, it will occur to you—what if this relationship doesn't last, what will happen then! How will you survive then! How will you bear such agony! What will happen if everything ends! Some raw memory of intense past pain will flash before your eyes, and thinking these thoughts will truly terrify you!
Thinking this way, eventually, you'll take one step forward, two steps back. Uncertainty will be born within you. You'll feel like ending it all right now!
Previous suffering is better than the suffering yet to come!
When you find yourself thinking this way, it means you're striking at the very core of their faith. Because you cannot want them in the same way they want you with their whole heart, all these thoughts are crowding your mind. When such thoughts arise, you'll see yourself as the villain!
You wonder: is it right to give yourself so completely to someone, the way they're giving themselves to you? You might also think that perhaps these doubts are arising because their love exceeds yours. Caught in such uncertainty, you'll suddenly find your subconscious seeking an escape route.
Consider this: could it be that you love them so much that the fear of losing them is what's making you so restless? That because you love them this deeply, expecting nothing in return, their unexpected love leaves you overwhelmed with wonder? Couldn't this be it?
Why are you suffering? Because you're overthinking, isn't that so? Why are you overthinking? Because you fear that ultimately they might not be yours? Where does this fear come from? From thinking that if they leave, living without them will be unbearable?
Be still. Give time to time, give them time, give yourself time, give the situation time. Time reveals everything—it has before, it will again. Wait, play your role properly, let both of you become ready for each other in every sense; don't rush to answer everything yourself!
Three. If we do end up getting married, many things will change. Yet almost everything will remain the same. Even after marriage, I'll go to sleep just as late as I do now. But on days when you need to wake up early, I'll be sure to wake you. I'll set an alarm on my phone before sleeping, no matter what time I go to bed!
Just as I'm a homebody now, I'll remain one then. But if you want to take me somewhere, I'll come along happily—even if it's just to the *fuchka* vendor downstairs! I'll still tease you about the foods you love that I don't, but I'll cook those very dishes more often at home, and we'll eat them together with satisfaction.
I'll still prefer texting over calling, but when you're away somewhere, I'll fall asleep while talking to you on the phone at night without hanging up, just as I do now.
I really don't enjoy reading books, as you well know. But just as I write you long letters now, I'll continue to do so then. There will be many spelling mistakes, and despite your repeated corrections, I'll send the next letter with the same errors.
Unlike other couples who constantly upload photos on Facebook, we won't do that. But I'd like us to take silly pictures together and post them on Facebook, customized just for us two, and then argue furiously in the comments.
I won't make any long or short Facebook posts tagging you. Whatever I want to say, I'll write directly to you—others won't know these things. All that show-off business irritates me when I see it! Just as I feel more comfortable writing to you than speaking face-to-face now, I'll continue doing so then.
When you feel like wearing my hoodie, you'll wear it; when you want to use my handkerchief, you'll use it. You could even brush your teeth with my toothbrush if you wanted—I wouldn't mind at all.
You may ask for a larger share of the foods I like less, and even if you don't ask, whatever I have extra for myself, I'll put on your plate anyway. Just let me have the entire pudding — that will do.
If we truly can marry, many things will change. I will change, you will change too, and much between us will change as well. Change is necessary; time itself brings change. We two will live together, grow together in spirit. Neither will obstruct the other's growth. Life becomes painful when one cannot grow according to one's own heart.
No matter what else may change, I will remain exactly the same in one regard as I am now: whatever I dislike about you, I will tell only you. If you improve, that's good; if you don't, and I find myself unable to accept it, then perhaps I'll leave you. But under no circumstances will I ever tell anyone else about your faults — not even after leaving you!
Just as I can live with myself in the company of what I like, I can just as easily live with myself by setting aside what I dislike. I love you, after all. One can leave even those one loves, but one cannot diminish them before others. That would only diminish me in my own eyes!
**Reflection: Eight Hundred Sixty-Six

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One. Patience. This is perhaps what we need most of all. Even more than peace, happiness, and love!
To survive in this life, or to maintain strength of spirit even in times of great suffering, this patience is essential. Even standing in an open field, people gasp for breath and struggle to breathe when patience runs short.
When someone you love says, "Forget me. Arrange your life as you wish. It's no longer possible to be with you!" — without patience, even staying alive becomes difficult for you! Someone leaving doesn't mean life itself has departed, does it?
Patience is needed; sometimes one must remain completely silent. There's no need to respond every time, no need to show reaction every time. Time sets many things right. One must wait with patience. What is meant to stay will stay, what is meant to go will go. What cannot be kept despite all effort — it's better for you when such things depart. Keep this faith; one day you'll verify it for yourself.
When your mother says that when her time comes to die, you will be the one beside her — this is her notion — then one must speak with mother patiently. Perhaps some sorrow or worry has suddenly entered mother's mind; this must be heard in silence. Don't show mother harsh logic, don't scold mother harshly. Mother will depart anyway — why not bear with her a little! Unless we become parents ourselves, we cannot understand how many strange behaviors of ours mother endured in childhood.
When your beloved is in great mental or physical suffering, but you cannot understand how to ease their pain even a little, then without patience you might even end up increasing their suffering!
In all areas of life, at all times, patience serves greatly both for saving oneself and saving others. Everyone knows and understands this, but very few can follow it when the need arises.
Those who can, become like blessings for themselves and for everyone.
When everything falls apart, let our prayer be just one: may the Creator grant us the strength to hold on to patience. If you know how to be patient, you can conquer the entire world! Stay quiet, watch, smile, pray. Offer your tears to the Creator alone.
Whatever causes you pain, be patient. Suffering has an end—wait patiently for that end. Pray that, like all the bad times in this world, this time of yours too is moving toward better days. To receive what brings joy, you must be patient even when it hurts.
Two. Dear brother,
Father is the hero of my dreams, and you have been a wonderful bonus for my entire life!

Because of you, I now know why we should watch good movies, why we should listen to good music, why we should read good books, why we should befriend good people.

Do you remember, brother, when my results were poor, you would often say, "Don't be sad, just don't make these mistakes next time, and that will be enough!"

When my parents wouldn't agree to let me go out with friends from college, you were the one who would convince them, remember?

Life seemed so much easier when you were beside me; though when you'd elbow me in the back, I'd get terribly angry.

Without you, who would I have shared all those endless stories with, tell me?

When father scolded, when mother gave us trouble—we'd have those long brother-sister discussions about it all, wouldn't we?

Following you around was my only job; I'd threaten to tell mother about your happy sister, remember, brother?
Now no one scolds me anymore, no one says anything even when I make mistakes. I'm independent now, so I terribly miss your scoldings! I can spend however I want now, but I still feel like asking you for all sorts of things!
I truly didn't want to become this free; I wanted to remain your little sister forever.
Three. Why does it happen that only I keep forcefully holding onto the thread, when you stand there scissors in hand?

Why does it happen that your so-called immortal love keeps me anxious every moment?

Why does it happen that in your love there's more sorrow than joy?

Why does it happen that every day I break into pieces in your love?

Why does it happen that thinking of you makes me withdraw further into myself?

Why does it happen that your company gives me only this painful present?

Why does it happen that your love always questions my worthiness and capability?
Why do I often feel that the thread that once bound us together is gradually tearing apart...?
Four. Yes, I'm very angry with you!
I'm very angry with you because you alone are responsible for no one else being able to enter my life! Because of you, I can't trust anyone today, and I constantly feel that everyone is selfish, that everyone wants something from me!
I'm very angry with you because I keep thinking endlessly about things that haven't even happened to me yet; and because of this, good things that try to enter my life never actually do. My very thoughts push all good things away from my life.
I am so angry with you, because only because of you I don't let anyone come even close to me. As a result, my life remains exactly where it is; nothing new comes into my life anymore, nor can it come!
I am so angry with you, because it's your fault that today I have become a person of deeply twisted mentality. If someone truly begins to love me, I immediately start suspecting them, and eventually, without any reason at all, I treat them badly and drive them away from my life. I no longer have faith in love.
I am so angry with you, because only because of you I now prefer to be alone, or even if I don't like it, I remain alone anyway. I don't maintain contact with anyone. I constantly feel that everyone perhaps only wants to cause me pain!
Now let me tell the truth. I'm actually not angry with you at all. All my anger is with myself, because one day I foolishly assumed that you were everything in my entire life!
Reflection: Eight Hundred and Sixty-Six

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One. Perhaps this is what solitude means.

Perhaps at this time it's safer to be with myself than with anyone else.

Perhaps I still haven't found any wonderful place worth staying in.

It's even possible that I'm utterly mismatched for this entire world!
I want to go outside, I want to chat with friends. But what happens is, whenever I try to mingle with them, I feel somehow irritated. Nothing really appeals to me, no one appeals to me. I can't even understand what I'm feeling. Nothing appeals to me at all!
Sometimes I think about painting. I don't sit down to paint for days on end. Just then I think, if I paint, my hands will get covered with colors. I'll have to clean all that up again. What a bother!
I really want to talk. But I simply don't know how to make conversation. I don't know how to socialize with people! I think everyone is annoyed with me, because I can't do anything. The things I can do—it wouldn't matter if I couldn't do them.
Sometimes, I become a good friend again. I mingle with friends, go around with them, we all chat together, have fun. Everyone's happy, I'm happy too. Then suddenly I change! I won't even pick up my best friend's phone! I don't talk to anyone, and I even end up being rude to them without any reason!
The same person, two different behaviors! One part of my mind says, go on, talk to them! Another part says, never mind, no need, just sit quietly by yourself!
Sometimes I force myself to have fun through gritted teeth, laugh forcibly, try against my heart's desire to keep pace with everyone's conversation. But to tell the truth, anger keeps building up in me all the time.
I'm angry with everyone, angry with my own family, angry with the entire world. When I stand in front of a mirror I get angry, even when someone speaks kindly to me I become agitated with rage!
I like being alone; at the same time, I fear loneliness. I constantly feel that people are very bad, all humans are bad. They'll probably harm me somehow! I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust myself!
I truly don't know what I should do!
I only know this: I have nowhere to go, because no one truly loves me. I'll have to stay alone, but when I'm alone, I feel like I'm going mad!
Two. Why did you end all relationships like that?
I wanted to stay with you.

But you wanted to be with someone else.

...That's the reason, isn't it?
Tell me, what is love? Staying up all night talking? Having fun together however we please? Going on trips? Eating street food together?
Does simply being together, spending time together, make it love? Can you love someone just because you enjoy spending time with them? Nothing else is needed? Really?
You deserve someone who's willing to do everything to be with you. Someone who can't help but rush to wherever you are, just to catch a glimpse of you—doesn't that person love you? Someone who doesn't miss you will manufacture a thousand excuses for why they can't come see you. But if they do miss you, they'll find time for you even in the midst of all their busyness. There's nothing they can't do to make you smile. Their efforts to keep you happy will say everything. You'll understand it yourself.
Love isn't simple, but it's something worth going to war for! When you love, time appears as if conjured by ghosts—people steal time from other activities and somehow find time for the person they love. Every day they think, how happy I am to have this person! Whether you're precious or ordinary, whatever kind of person you are, to someone who loves you, you are invaluable.
You need someone for whom you are the most precious and beloved excuse. If you cross oceans for someone who won't even step into a pond for you, you should think twice before maintaining that relationship.
Another thing. Someone who doesn't love you but loves your various qualities is at best charmed by your attributes, but not someone who loves you. Being charmed by qualities and being captivated by the person are completely different things. Mixing these two up leads to great trouble!
Anyway, you did well to end that relationship. Life isn't long enough that if someone wants to end their relationship with me, I should keep trying to stay with them. You don't have to leave me—I'm leaving you! Be happy!
Three. You always tell me that life is a stage. We wear many kinds of masks to hide ourselves. It's all for show, it's really a game. Whether in front of the curtain or behind it, it's essentially something people do just to display to others.
Now I'm telling you, listen. Life is not a stage. Life is not just a colorful procession either. Life is terrible, but at the same time life is beautiful too. Everything is pale compared to life, even death!
You and I are standing on two different stages. Yes, you and I! You, yes I'm talking about you, you never truly cry. Instead, when you feel sad, you raise your eyebrows and say, what's wrong!...no problem, you're just acting. I understand all this.
Look at me, I am someone entirely formed by wounds. I always carry a kind of fear within me. This doesn't mean I'm weak though. Think about it—you're the one who's truly weak.
If you weren't weak, you wouldn't have to keep acting your way through life.
There's a party this evening. You'll go there. Many people will come. It'll be quite crowded. You'll chat with everyone there, try to strike up conversations with the women, and if you feel like it, maybe even dance. The open doors will close. Whatever everyone else does, you'll keep pace with them. That's how it goes!
I was supposed to attend that event too. But I won't go, I'll stay home. In the evening I'll turn on the shower and sing loudly while soaking myself however I please for a while. Then I'll make sugarless black coffee with three and a half spoons of coffee in a mug of hot water, place the mug before my eyes, and sit down to write. If I feel like it, I'll open the window and recite dialogues from Rituparno Ghosh's films for a while. I love the open sky, even when there's no moon. It's not that I'll write poetry. Then again, it's not that I won't write poetry.
You and I are two different people. We don't belong to the same stage. You never truly cry, I do. When you feel like crying, how you furrow your brow! Even when you laugh, I've noticed, you laugh alone. No one around you joins in your laughter. They understand that you're not really feeling amused. I have sorrows, I have wounds. I cannot hide my tears, it pains me. When I laugh, the whole world laughs with me. They know that I too, like them, have learned to laugh only after enduring much suffering. You still haven't learned to laugh, for one reason alone—you never cry.
You and I are different kinds of people. Our philosophies of life are not one but two; or perhaps even more...
**Thought: Eight Hundred Sixty-Seven

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One. Let me say four very simple things.
Don't keep measuring love in the relationship you're in; the moment you start measuring, disappointment will increase. In relationships, there's more habit, understanding, and friendship than love. Don't go looking for love; if you do, you'll only find sorrow and cause sorrow.
Small cuts and scrapes on the body heal by themselves if you don't pay them attention; they worsen if you keep picking at them. In exactly the same way, small cuts and scrapes of the mind heal by themselves if you don't pay them attention; they worsen if you keep picking at them. Let the pain exist a little—it will heal on its own.
Never count the number of times you've laughed or cried in your life. If you want to stay well, you must avoid such counting and quietly go about your work, living with whatever comes before you.
Never look at or read anyone's diary, notebook, journal, messenger, or WhatsApp without permission. Everyone has a private life. What's in there and how it is—only that person knows, no one else; nor is there any need to know. The moment you try to know, distance will be created. Yes, it will happen—even if you don't want it to, it will happen; if not today, then someday.
The four points are finished. Follow them and you'll be well.
Two. Don't try to impose every single decision of yours; sometimes let others win on certain matters too. Someone else winning doesn't mean you've lost! You must know how to let go—this is what strength of mind means. There's no one more irritating than a person who tries to interfere in everything. Don't be stubborn; you must know how to let some things go with your eyes closed. Accept others' decisions on a matter or two; you'll see that both your respect and acceptability have increased greatly.
You don't have to finish everything you start.
Why must we wait until the end of a movie we're not enjoying? Why must we listen to a song to completion if we don't like it? Why drag love all the way to marriage if you don't feel good about loving someone? You started it, some time was spent — that's already too much; going further only invites more sorrow, more irritation, more suffering. What's the point! Save yourself, let others live too.
"For a lifetime" doesn't mean you must drag it out until death. If it becomes painful to sustain, if misunderstandings arise, if the relationship simply cannot be normalized, it's better to let go — and let the other person go — after a few months or years. Being well is far more urgent than loving. Peace is a million times more precious than romance. Peace and peace alone is the first and final word of life.
Must you spend your entire life in whatever field you studied, even if you don't want to? Living the wrong life is far more painful than studying the wrong subject. The opportunity exists to go in other directions. Why wouldn't you take that opportunity? It's better to be a good worker in someone else's field than a bad worker in your own.
It's far better to abandon a task half-finished than to complete work against your heart's desire. Work without love, without sincerity, cannot be of good quality. Isn't it better not to do work at all than to do it poorly? If you don't do the work, if you leave it half-finished, no one will ever know; but everyone recognizes the worker who completes a job badly, everyone dishonors them. Why hang such a signboard around your neck — one that doesn't increase your respect but diminishes it?
Three. A traveler at night seeks shelter at a house. The mistress of the house tells him: Listen, traveler, I am young; I live alone with a mother-in-law who can neither see nor hear, and my husband has been abroad for many years. I can let you stay, but please don't make the mistake of entering my room.
In the woman's final words lie her youthful hunger, her blind and deaf mother-in-law, her absent husband. She has no need to tell the traveler all this. She could simply provide him a place to stay — what's the point of all this extra talk?
She's actually telling the traveler: You must certainly come to my room.
This is how people end up wanting many things without wanting them.
Let me give another example.
A young man used to go to a garden to make love. An old man would come walking in that garden, which created some problems for their romance.
One day the young man said to the old man: Grandfather, the dog in this garden died yesterday evening. You're afraid of dogs, but now there's no more fear. A poisonous snake bit and killed the dog last evening. From today you can walk in the garden with complete peace of mind, grandfather.
After this, the old man never again walked in that garden, for fear of the snake.
This is how people end up not wanting many things they actually want.
But not everyone keeps such intelligence in their head. Most don't know when to want, how to want; as a result, they don't get what they need either.
Four. If you notice, those who come forward uninvited to teach don't even have the qualification to be your student.
And those at whose feet you could sit and learn, feeling blessed even by the dust of their feet — extracting even two minutes from them is terribly difficult!
The kind of students I used to throw out of my coaching classes every week—students even worse than those come running to my wall to teach me! Your honor, before attempting to master, learn first to recognize a student!
(If any of my students happen to see this post, you can talk to me about the last paragraph if you wish.)
Five. Couldn't you have stayed by my side at least during these times? You had to leave right now? This moment seemed right to you for departure? Even if no one else knew, you at least knew—I have no one but you! Like everyone else, you too failed to understand me. Perhaps you truly are just like everyone else!
My entire life waits to be wasted just to hear the single word "I love you" from you... In the ache of not receiving your love, my deepest feelings quietly slip away, a little each day.
Yet waiting is never wrong. Day after day I swallow neglect without reluctance, letting my feelings fade away. Even after all this, isn't it better to die slowly in torment, waiting and waiting in boundless love for someone, than to die daily in the agony of being unable to love anyone at all? Rather than receiving nothing, isn't it better for me to live even with someone's neglect?
I am well. You have kept me well. Some people's lives lack even someone to neglect them! Tell me yourself—am I not far better off than they are?
**Reflection: Eight Hundred Sixty-Eight

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One. Do you remember that roommate of yours, with whom you never agreed on anything, yet whose method you still use to iron your clothes?
Or that person who broke up with you one night, yet you still mix yogurt with rice the way they did?
Or when did you last think of that friend with whom you'll never speak again for the rest of your life over some petty grievance, yet whose introduction to a beautiful song you still listen to almost every night?
Or do you remember that stranger who suddenly pushed you in the middle of the street, saving you from an accident?
Without realizing it, we laugh the way our dear friend laughs.

Without realizing it, we hum the way we've watched our mother hum since childhood.

Without realizing it, we say "sorry" the way our crush drawls the word.
When someone leaves life, certain things remain. Their laughter, their preferences, their favorite songs.

Many people come and go on life's path. Some among them remain as memories.

Sometimes while talking with someone, they appear unbidden in the mind's unconscious—they have to keep coming back...
So much remains lodged in the head...! Truly, we ourselves don't quite know when, how, who will appear, perhaps after many years!

Some who stay find a place in oblivion, some who leave remain in memory.
The way we eat, the way we speak, the way we walk, the way we gesture, the way we look, what we like to eat, what kind of movies we prefer to watch, what kind of books we like to read, where we like to travel—all of this holds so many, many people! We may forget a person's face, yet the person remains within something or other!
Some people, no matter how much they might want to, can never truly leave us.
Some people, no matter how desperately they wish to, can never remain with us.
In the time it takes for a single heartbeat, someone lost long, long ago can somehow find their way back to us on some road or other!
Everyone gets lost, yet some things about some people never disappear.
Two. Sometimes venture out alone.

While growing up, you don't need permission for everything.

Not everyone grows up the same way. So not everyone can give you the right decision for all your actions.

There's nothing wrong with making mistakes sometimes with your own judgment.
Three. A friend is not someone who always just says, "Yes, you're absolutely right! You made a mistake."
A friend is someone who sometimes also says, "You're constantly looking for your own faults! Don't you have anything else to do!?"
Four. Even when love for someone fades, it can be brought back, but once affection lifts away, it doesn't easily return.
Five. If you keep money in your pocket yet still quarrel over the bigger piece of meat in kacchi biryani,

then what worth does that money have?
Six. You will often want to forget your painful past, want to keep it forgotten, and eventually, gradually accumulating dust and dirt over the past, you will indeed forget everything. Suddenly one day you'll realize that you remember nothing of your past at all!
Even after all this, the people around you won't let you forget your past. From time to time they will bother you in various ways so that everything from the past comes flooding back to your mind and living itself becomes painful!
You know what, distant people will never hurt you, even if they know about your past they won't poke at it, rather they'll stay by your side as much as possible. But it's the close ones, the ones you consider your own, who will sprinkle salt on your wounds. They'll want to prove you guilty again and again and force you to live with your head bowed down always. No matter how much you want to maintain your inner mental strength, these people will want you to live weakly, barely surviving.
Nothing in this world is eternal, but these people sometimes seem to forget that. They also forget that for someone whose entire notion of so-called 'own' and 'other' has changed, nothing in life becomes primary, not even this life itself seems anything but fragile!
Seven. Your life isn't yours alone, it also belongs to your family and the people around you, because various external aspects of your life affect their lives too. But the sorrows of the heart are yours alone. So it's better if the beginning of those sorrows is entirely in your own hands.
Eight. When I see the hypocrisy of those who received the same advantages as I did, used them less than me or equally to me, yet point fingers at my advantages while speaking, it's hard to bear.
Nine. Someone who leaves their beloved's hand to marry you—assume that the chances of being happy in life with them are very slim.
Ten. You don't need to curse, a sigh is enough! Don't believe it? Fine, write down somewhere the name of the person you've wronged and the first sentence of this post. Time itself will give you all the answers. Then you'll neither be able to die nor want to live!
The one who wronged you today—one day you'll be much better off than them. You will be! You won't die without seeing them or someone they love get punished. I've witnessed not just one but several such incidents.
Eleven.
Better to marry someone found along the way, discovered in the subconscious depths of the heart, with mutual consent, than to halt one's journey and force a union with someone sought out deliberately. Mistakes happen even then; but when the entire responsibility for the error rests on one's own shoulders, bearing the consequences of that mistake becomes much easier.