The Plaster of Thought's Wall: 128

Thought: Eight Hundred Ninety

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Come visit my wall. You'll see I write about you, yet I don't write to you.
Why can't I exist without you! I'm here with you yet without you! I'm doing well! Still, somehow, somewhere, you remain within me! I do make promises to myself—I won't seek you out anymore, won't speak to you anymore! Where does that get me? You come back again! By staying this way, you make it clear exactly what you mean to me!
The one who doesn't read messages occupies every corner of my heart! You've become my habit, and yet you blame Facebook!
Listen, I'm leaving here today, but I'm not leaving the world. When I die, I'll forget you—God-promise!
You know, when you just say, "I don't want love, I want peace," I sigh deeply and say: what you call unrest is love to me, that very thing is peace to me! You say you don't want love, you want peace—I understand that; but peaceful love is a mother's love. Beyond that, there's very little where love and peace coexist. Yes, you can certainly tell me, or many others: I want peace, not love. Because you need peace. We agree with you. You're right! Alright then, starting the day after tomorrow, I'll give you peace!
Sometimes when I think about you, one thought keeps coming to mind... it seems... one expects love from those they like even a little, and expects peace from those they dislike.
Tell me, does a man ever receive both love and peace from the same woman? I don't think so! Almost every man seeks peace from someone who doesn't love him at all.

That's what I think. I could be wrong! But you know what... even if you get peace from someone you dislike—like me—you won't find that pleasant either. When a person receives unrest from someone they love, it feels like nectar; when they receive peace from someone they can't stand, it feels like poison.
Girl, listen, one shouldn't love so recklessly. I know, I understand, I accept! Still... mistakes happen. Why was I in such a hurry! Why did I tell you at all! I, who never wanted you by my side so your peace would remain intact—why am I the one thinking about myself all the time!

Do people make mistakes by loving? Or do they make mistakes by loving the wrong person? I don't know all these things! The more one loves, the less one knows. I'm in that camp too! I only know that love isn't wrong! Love is a myth only if you don't know how to love.
Since I'm nowhere... not in front of you or in the city, tell me, how can I give you more peace than this! Facebook is a communication medium. Turn it off and communication stops. But when a person becomes embedded in the mind, there's no way to shut that off! Live in peace, beloved!

Tell me, do you love someone else? Does he act as crazy as I do? Does he wait, taking exactly this much time, believing you'll come? Only those who love with heart and soul understand what waiting means. You know, you've only been able to be this harsh with me because you know I love you terribly. Try being harsh with someone who doesn't love you—let's see!
For some reason I feel we will never connect again. That feeling that stirs when passing by someone you love—no language in the world can explain it. This afternoon I was walking past your house. I walked with my head down, tears streaming from my eyes. Nothing comes easily to me. I cannot love just anyone easily, yet the one I do love, I love completely.
The wise love themselves. The foolish love others. I am not wise—I am foolish. Don't you know this simple truth? If you do, why do you treat me this way? Surely you are not foolish!
Yes, I have given you peace for many years. How? By saying nothing, not bothering you this past year. I only kept murmuring "I love you, I love you." For the seven years before that, I said nothing at all, loved you in silence. I told you once—that spot right in the center of your chest...that is my address. You know, I long so much to rest my head at that address and sometimes weep my heart out!
These days there is no love in relationships and no relationship in love. What good is it to stay in a relationship where a third person is always necessary?
I am terribly afraid of people. I trust no man even a grain—except my father and, after him, you. I say many things to you, but I tell myself again and again: this person is my trust, my love, and my only reason for living. I can live without him, yes, but I cannot live without loving him!
This relationship is the simplest, yet also the most difficult—because when it comes to extinguishing it through trust and friendship, many fail. Of course they must fail! Relationships built in haste are also broken in haste.
I am at peace; I have no relationship, no husband, no 'boyfriend.' What could be more peaceful than this? Oh yes, when I love you well, I am deeply at peace. But when I see any girl around you, I feel terribly restless! Women can endure everything except one thing—seeing someone else with the person they love.
Believe me, it never hurt to see your wife beside you. That day when you all went out and took that picture, she was next to you. Perhaps her head was resting on your shoulder. You know, seeing that photo somehow made tears fall from my eyes. Yet this had never happened to me before. She takes care of you, tends to your child, and looks after your family too. I have always respected her for this. She fulfills her duties properly. She is the most fortunate woman, having gotten you as her husband. But seeing that day's photo somehow hurt! I don't know why this happened! Tell me, does love make people jealous?
When I see you, I feel peace. That's it—my peace is arranged!

When you don't see me, you feel peace. That's it—your peace is arranged!

The same peace, yet what distance between their sources!
Thought: Eight Hundred Ninety-One

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One. Those we thought were bad in childhood—when we grow up, we see we have become exactly like them! Now again we cannot think ourselves bad, though by our former judgment we are truly bad now. We have constructed many, many justifications for thinking ourselves good—none of which occurred to us when we were small.
Knowledge, experience, belief, and time itself transform human thought. With the passage of time, human positions, beliefs, reasoning, and judgment all change. In the era where you exist, had I lived in that same time, perhaps I could not have thought ill of you as I do now. Humans always devise various strategies to make themselves appear good and to present their positions as logical.
This is why judging anyone is wrong. The person you judge as bad by some measure—had you been in their place, you might have lived as someone far worse by that same measure, though you would never have thought yourself bad then. Time, opportunity, achievement, and responsibility shape and break the human mind in countless ways.
Therefore, rather than judging anyone, it would be better if you accepted them exactly as they are, or if you cannot accept them, let them be as they are and focus on your own work instead of looking their way. More important than seeking goodness in others is finding goodness within yourself. One cannot judge people of another time while living in a different era. Each life, each way of living is unique. Can one truly speak of a way of life in which one has never participated?
Gossip diminishes the life force of human beings.
Two. Actually, I could have gone through life without ever saying a word to you. But why am I speaking now? So that no one else like me ever has to hear these words from your mouth.
Well, I don't know if you remember or not, but you once said that when you eat something delicious or visit a beautiful place, you repeatedly think, "If only I could have fed this food to my loved ones, or if only I could have brought them to wander in this beautiful place with me!" This is how you feel, you said one day.
In the same way, I too feel, "If only I could cook today and feed you! If only I could let you try each of your favorite dishes one by one!" Since I feel this way too, it means I am also a person like you, my thoughts and feelings also align somewhat with yours.
Yes, I cannot send cooked food to the office, thinking about what people would say. When we invite someone, we extend that invitation with sincerity; whether or not to honor that invitation is a matter of individual courtesy or politeness. Whether or not I have given you anything in these long eight years, I have certainly extended invitations. During Eid, on Valentine's Day, or at any moment. Whatever the case, how you have received this is entirely your personal matter.
Thinking of feeding you, I have done everything from buying spices with my own hands to grinding ginger, garlic, and onions by hand; because blender-ground spices don't turn out fine enough.
Each of us tends to think a little more about those we love. Perhaps this is a fault! A terrible fault! Maybe this is what has happened in my case too. But no one has waited as long as I have for you—this I say with conviction.
I had called you that day, and you hung up! Well, how many times have I called you in these past eight years? The question remains. Have I called you on your birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, spring days, festivals, or any other day or time? Have I bothered you? I haven't, and I never will.
I had loved you. I never came to your door with a beggar's bag. I loved in such a way that I never bothered you on the phone, on messenger, at the office, or by going to your home.
Why didn't you tell me then? ...That yes, you loved me and let me be exactly as I am. Thank you. These days I may speak a word or two more, and for that you said my love disturbs your peace! That I should let you be alone.
Well, as far as I know, where there is love, there are complaints; but you made such a complaint about me that it pains me to accept, thinking that the very person who never truly loved me, never gave me time, has made such a grave accusation against me! Why they did so, I don't know.
Those who love well—they complain, sulk, get angry, cause irritation. Yes, I haven't irritated you all this while. Now if you want to push me away by speaking of irritation, that's a different matter.
There is nothing between you and me. What there was, was my one-sided, selfless love...which didn't end despite the hundred wounds or neglect you gave me. Since love began with my hand, it will end with my hand too.
I will only know this: you wanted to win against someone who always let you win. You hurt someone who, even taking your blows, loved peacefully for eight years without causing you any irritation.
Listen, if you want to win, then win against someone who considers you their rival. But I have no competition with you. I simply loved you, that's all! Just because you came close doesn't mean I would fall in love or hold you back.
We give time to those from whom we have nothing to gain, or who have never given us anything and never will. Yet those who have given us their entire lives—we never even check on them!
You never knew me at all. Thank you.
These days I don't bother you anymore. Surely you're at great peace. Stay that way. The year ends, our contact ends too. Stay in peace.
I didn't need to say all this, but I did, so that this doesn't happen with anyone else the way you misunderstood me. You are a very good person, but you couldn't understand my selfless love. Let it be, you don't need to struggle to understand anymore! After I leave, may your life fill with peace—this is my wish. No matter, if you can stay distant, so can I. People can do anything—they simply choose not to want certain things.
Thought: Eight Hundred Ninety-Two

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One. We're talking after a whole day!
Well, you must have been very peaceful this past day, surely? Did you sleep properly? No disturbance from love or loves?
Did you miss me this one day? Or did you just assume I wouldn't come back to bother you?

Listen carefully—to survive this life, one needs someone close and trusted even for the sake of bothering them; and I am that person for you!
Tell me, did you ever realize that slowly, both of us have learned to tolerate each other? Look at this strange thing!
You know, whether I cook duck curry or khichuri or any dish, your thought comes to mind first. Is there any other man besides you whom I would want to cook for and feed?
You never asked me why I love you so much! You know, love doesn't happen for reasons. Love simply happens — suddenly! A soft tenderness for you clings to my eyes, my face, my thoughts, my existence, my feelings. This is a strange kind of fondness! This is a wonderful suffering! Even knowing there's no earthly gain here, I don't quite wish to leave this place.
I live only for what isn't mine. I also know that I don't know any other grammar for living beyond this.
Love that has reasons behind it quickly runs out. That's why my love never ends.
Don't ask me how I love, how much I love — these questions seeking answers from me — because love isn't some algebraic equation or theorem that I need to prove and demonstrate!
By the way... you didn't tell me whether you missed me at all yesterday!
The person comes online every little while, yet won't look at my messages. Well, no matter. Many people live in this world whose fate is only to be left unseen! I'll bring new people to love into my life. What good are these futile loves! So close yet so far! Pointless!
Well, if I never return, would you be happy? If you say 'yes,' I still won't say anything; if you say 'no,' I still won't say anything. I only know this much: 'I will return!' Because returning to you means returning to myself!

I want you so very, very much... close as breath!
I think you get terribly angry seeing my messages! Well then, should I write and send you a letter by hand?
Two. Listen, busy person, I want to send you the last text before sleeping. I want to send you the first text when I wake up. You just tell me when and where to stop and when and where to start moving. Not for some time, but I want to spend many years with you, being your shadow.
People develop affection, without wanting to, for any place, thing, or matter they've been with for a long time. The chair you sit in every day for office work, the teacup you drink tea from, the person who makes tea for you — you'll see, when they leave or you have to leave them, it will hurt at least a little. It will hurt even without wanting it to.
Just like that, affection grows in me for you. I say I'll leave and yet I don't go, I stay without wanting to. And perhaps because of this affection, women have another name — enchantresses! It's not that having affection means getting hurt; but I don't know why you often say such things! How do people live without affection!
Not everyone has this thing called affection, but more or less, women do. Yes, women are like that. Just look at me — even being so far from sight, you remain so close to the heart. My affection for you, my love, everything remains, only you don't come to stay near me! I have no anger toward you, only a kind of affection. Whatever resentment arises, that too comes from this affection. Still, there's nothing else to do but silently swallow this affection!
Every day waking up, one thought peeks into my mind... will I see my beloved today? Will they come suddenly to surprise me?... these things I think.
Three. At night, sleep simply refuses to come to my eyes! I wake at dawn, yet still sleep eludes me. I doze fitfully, and the moment my eyes close, I dream only of you. Tell me, am I going mad? Or will I go mad?
When something happens in love, does it twist and ache inside the chest like this? Listen, do you love others the way you love me? Oh! What kind of questions am I asking! I'm overstepping my bounds!
Sometimes the hurt I feel toward you—what can I even say about it! I see you on another call, and then you cut mine short too! Tell me, why am I such a fool? The Creator could have made me a little cleverer...couldn't He?
Why don't I understand that a person will speak with whoever pleases them! Why don't I grasp that you'll talk to whoever brings you peace, whoever lets you sleep soundly afterward! Like a fool, I call you every day. I don't understand that you don't want to speak with me, which is why you don't.
If I die, and if there's a chance to ask, I'll ask Allah: Allah! Why did You send me to this world made so foolish? What harm would there have been in giving me a little sense?
Listen, will Allah remain silent then? Won't He answer my words? The Creator isn't miserly like you, thinking speech wastes time! Speaking of dying reminds me—when I die, according to my religion's laws, you won't be allowed to see my corpse! Though of course you wouldn't come to see it anyway! Where would you find the time?
What I was saying! You won't be allowed to see my dead face. My father, my uncles have all returned from Hajj, so they'll follow the rules strictly—though look at me, following nothing, forgetting all propriety, loving you like a madman! But after death, I'll have no strength left in my body. I won't be able to do anything for you! They simply won't let you see my lifeless face!
Just one wish. Before I die, let me see you at least once more—how about that?
Thought: Eight hundred and ninety-three

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One. You often ask why I fell in love with you.
I don't understand how to answer this question. How does one prove love!

I can only say this much: every morning when I wake, I want to see your face before anyone else's.

I can say: whenever I think of discussing some strange matter, your name comes to mind first.

When I cook a little jaggery pudding, the thought of setting aside a bowl for you circles endlessly in my head.

The slightest cloud in the sky makes me think of you. Seeing clouds reminds me how you love telling old stories, and tears come to my eyes.
All these things that happen to me, or that I make happen myself—I cannot explain them.

You should rather understand for yourself someday, taking the time to grasp what these small matters truly mean! How about that?
Two. Using certificates is harder than earning them.
Certificates don't make people great; people make certificates great.
Three. You have your limits. Either know those angels or face those demons. Whatever you can carry doesn't create problems.
Four. People don't suffer because of bad people, but rather from those good people who don't behave according to their wishes. People don't easily want to abandon the company of bad people who suit their temperament.
Five. If you try to alleviate someone's sorrow, first find out where their pain actually lies. Without knowing this, you may discover that what you're using to ease their suffering is the very source of their anguish! This will only increase their pain, and your behavior will suddenly leave them dejected and unwell. Don't foolishly cause harm while trying to help someone. Remember, each person is different, so each person finds peace in different places. Preferences and experiences aren't the same for everyone. Not everyone finds happiness everywhere. As many lives, so many ways of living.
Six. Do you know something? You simply couldn't love me! You could never truly accept me in your heart. And when this thought occurs to me, it hurts terribly in my chest, resentment builds up. Then I feel like quietly moving away. But alongside this, I also think—what if you can't feel me? I love you tremendously! How can I leave, tell me?
I always think of keeping you well, I try within my means to bring you all happiness. But look, my desire is there, yet you don't give me the space to apply my efforts! Tell me, why can't you love me? I understand, darling, if you loved me, things would be different. You would think of me even in the most subtle matters, you would love me wholeheartedly even in the finest details. Where there's no love at all, how can wholehearted love emerge? I'm the type of person who hungers for love. But see, love never came my way!
I deeply wish for a new immortal love story to be created in this world. Something like the tales of Chandidas-Rajkini, Laila-Majnu, Romeo-Juliet, Radha-Krishna—an immortal love story of you and me that will remain forever on everyone's lips. You and I may not remain in this world, but our love will endure as eternal history in this world. Tell me, how will this creation come to be? For this, so much devotion, sacrifice, and tremendous love are needed, but you couldn't even love me! Still, from my side, I'll give one hundred percent dedication!
I have so many limitations, you know! If I remain alive and get another chance to speak, I'll tell you all of this someday. I long so much to rest my head against your chest and cry. Perhaps then my pain would lessen a little. Tell me, if I laid my head on your chest, would you be able to understand my sorrows? No, you wouldn't be able to. Because you couldn't love me. When I sense or feel that you don't love me, believe me, it feels like my breath stops. I think, can there be any greater torment than this? Yet I keep convincing myself constantly—no, no, you do love me! Everything else I perceive, it's all just my mind playing tricks! I'm quite foolish, you know! Only fools love madly while multiplying their own suffering. The clever ones never love anyone this way. Because they know the consequences. So they keep themselves safe from pain. It's fools like me who fall in love. Even in every minute of our lives, in everything we do, we think of the person we love. In our minds, we share every moment with them, speak to them.
I talk to you in my mind constantly! But even there I'm just chattering away by myself. You don't say a word, just as you don't speak now. People can never give proper value to the treasures they possess. They simply can't understand their true worth. In your life, some people are eternal truths. They will remain with you forever—openly or secretly. They will never be lost.
I will remain in the shadows. Even if I disappear while staying hidden, nothing will change. Didn't I tell you I have no place anywhere! Among those who love you, some people—you give them exactly the same importance you give me, no more. I have no separate place, no special significance. But you know what, I also know this, and I believe it deeply—this very same you will one day love me terribly, but by then you won't be able to find me anywhere.
Thought: Eight hundred ninety-nine

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One. No, I'd rather just leave! What's the point of talking to you anyway! It would be much better to find a new lover instead. At least I could spend this spring with a lover. You can stay in my city with your new beloved...
Why did I ever fall in love with you of all people. Never mind, forget it! True love has no value in this world, and here I am, loving just you and sitting here like a roadside beggar!
I'll have a new lover. Perhaps I won't write so much about him, but I'll love him even more than you.
Before I go, let me say one thing—you will send my gift to my home, won't you! Give me something you've used. Don't wash it by mistake, so your scent remains on it—a towel, undershirt, or handkerchief... whatever your heart desires!
Your special someone's birthday is this month, do you remember? I reminded you last time. You said I had done exactly the right thing for the right person. Actually, I love your mother too. She's like a mother to me as well. That's why I remember Mother's birthday.
I'm feeling unwell, whatever. I'm leaving. What else can I do! If you won't meet, won't speak, then I'd rather be alone!
Don't be so harsh toward anyone. We are human beings, not machines. We can't endure that much!
Postscript. Give me something of yours that you have used, something I can keep close for a long time. It could be a piece of clothing, but it must be something you've worn. And don't give me something you're too fond of.
Send someone with it, or come yourself and leave it. I don't have the capacity or strength to keep you with me, but I can keep something you've used!
Two. Because I want to understand you, I have such a desire to spend much more time with you... I want to understand you not as I see fit, but exactly as you are.
To myself, I must think of your side before mine. You first, then me.

Without you, the word "love" is so orphaned!
Have you looked up at the sky? Isn't tonight's moon beautiful? Of course, the moon is always beautiful... just like you!
Tell me, are you someone like the moon? Untouchable, unreachable, but whose beauty can be felt, who can be loved?
I feel like walking with you in this moonlight, and hearing you sing with that clear voice of yours.
Beloved, don't neglect me anymore,

If you can, give me shelter in your heart;

You and I together, let's go to the land of the moon...
Three. You know, these days when someone has a fever, no one comes to visit! No one says lovingly, "Let me put my hand on your forehead and see how high the fever is!"
Everyone seems so afraid of corona or the pandemic!
Still, someone could have been the cool compress for this forehead!
Sometimes water helps put out fire, and sometimes fire helps dispel the bitter cold of winter...
Actually, when and which will be useful cannot be said with certainty. If you think of me as harmful or someone who disturbs peace, I'm sorry for that.
Four. That I don't love you these days doesn't mean I hate you either.
Actually, when I love, I truly love, and when I feel, no, enough, love is no longer needed, then I don't love anymore.
I don't easily let hatred enter within me. Perhaps from the fear that this might make me lose the quality of selfless love!
The other name for love is neither complaint nor hatred.
The other day I read in one of your writings that you apparently know how to punish even while staying close or near.

Well, whom do you punish? Those you don't love? Or those who love you?
You had said that even those who harm you, you let them go, you never take revenge.

Then?!
For what crime do you give punishment?!
And those who harm you, you let them go!?
You who are so stern, actually you're not really that stern at all.
May I make a request? Will you honor it? The person who loves you, even if you can't love them back, don't punish them, how about that?
Surely love is not a crime! The request remains.
Remember and keep in mind about the one you punish while staying close—that person didn't love you based on whether they could stay near you or not.
I don't know why I'm writing to you. The fever is terrible. I'm feeling awful.
Five. Beloved, on this rain-soaked night, you and I, taking ghosts and spirits along... let's stand under that flame tree near your house and get drenched together! Let's get soaked together with that long white coffee mug of yours in hand!
Nine years have passed waiting for you. You had said that someday during a monsoon, we two would get drenched together and drink coffee. Look, I still remember those words of yours today—you've probably forgotten! But what of it! You are that person of mine who forgets many things...
You've brought rain to these eyes countless times; today, let the two of us finally get soaked in the rain!
Six. You know, these days I've become good friends not with you, but with your anger. Neglect... that's the most precious gift you've given me!
Pain... that too is quite precious. Who else but you would give such a thing, tell me?
Slowly, gradually, you're making me accustomed to something... what it is, you know better than anyone!
Every day of the week, all twenty-four hours... you alone remain in my thoughts; these days I want you even in my dreams. If you give me permission, I'd like to stay with you even in dreams. It's not as if you'll disappear or dissolve into air when the dream breaks.
I do find you in reality—now why not stay in my dreams too?
These days I desperately want to build a home, only with you. I don't know how much peace I could give you, but if you were by my side, I feel I could manage at least ninety percent!
Women become terribly domestic, I think that's what has happened to me too. But I don't want anyone else in this small life of mine except you.
I often can't say many things to you aloud, but in my heart I say, you are mine alone. You know, I feel terribly shy saying such things.
We could have had a small household, nestled against the hillside on that little mound, where your favorite things are scattered about!
I could have been a companion to your many creations by staying close! Together we might have written so many things!
We both know well that we wouldn't have needed much to live.
This small life would have passed beautifully—quarreling with you, being scolded by you, crying with my head on your chest, loving you, witnessing your creations. And how much more, tell me!
Say, would I have ever demanded love from you? I don't think so. Living together as a family, who knows when love would have blossomed—perhaps you wouldn't have known it yourself!
I told you last year that it would be good if we had a daughter! The girl would have been beautiful like her father. Her eyes would have been exactly like her father's, and as a person too, I would have wanted her to be a good human being like her father. And yes, surely she would have been a patient person like me.
You know, I've even decided on our daughter's name without telling you!
I would have named our daughter "Nidhi." You, me, and our Nidhi; along with your father, mother, family. Our life would have passed so beautifully. Wouldn't it?
Tell me, does one need much to live? I don't need much of anything except you.
Our family-that-never-was still weeps terribly from time to time! Our daughter... what more can I say about her!
If the girl could have seen up close how much her mother loves her father, she could have learned so many things!
Why didn't anything work out for us? Have you ever thought about it? I don't even get time to think because I'm so busy loving you! All my attention circles around you.
We two couldn't even bring our daughter into the light of this world! When I think about such things sometimes, I often want to hold you tight and cry.
Dearest, I still love you terribly, terribly much! Look how many years have passed by?
Reflection: Eight hundred ninety-five

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One. My love, good evening!
Shall we have tea together at Suman dada's shop? While we drink, will you tell me what's making your heart heavy?
You don't want to say? That's fine, no problem; when you feel like it, or to whomever you wish, speak.
Will you come home? I'll make you tea? You know, I can't make good tea! But for you, I'll learn even that.
If my staying quiet brings you peace, then I'll fall silent forever. Your peace matters to me, your happiness comes first for me.
You've come to my city, yet I couldn't take proper care of you, couldn't heal your sadness—what kind of friend does that make me?
I've been thinking, I'll move far away from everyone.
Right now, seeing your smiling face would mean everything to me.
Love may love distance, but this much distance doesn't seem right.
Two. Whatever else you can or cannot do in life, make yourself far more accomplished than the husband of the one who left you. The answer must be given by rising higher. You can't give a proper response by shouting like street vendors.
Three. People want you to do business. But they don't really want you to surpass them through that business. Very few people can tolerate success. This is why when you or someone close to you does well in business, even those who always speak in favor of business cannot bear it! People want to keep losers as companions.
Anyway, what I came to say...
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Many of you cannot tolerate this promotion. Yet you shamelessly keep following me. What kind of behavior is this! Such love feels hollow. You gain nothing from following me, but when products sell from there, that money helps my household. Very simple math. Try to understand; if you can't, stay away.
Four. The one you pay no attention to—many chase after them hoping for just a little notice. And the one who pays you no attention also tries hard but gets no notice from someone else. What a situation!
Five. What good is that well-wisher who, in my time of trouble, sits quietly with hands and feet tucked in and mouth sealed shut?
Six. Please don't take my words as complaints. Please!
There's such a difference between you in 2014 and you today. I still search for that version of you!
Not even hoping to receive any love in return, I could still love you selflessly today; but it seems my love is truly not needed.
I have no complaints. Give your time to whomever you please, visit anyone's home; no problem. You certainly won't live according to my preferences. Live peacefully in your own way...
Something about me feels strange; I carry myself with an upturned nose. I don't easily call anyone, don't easily suggest meeting someone; even when I'm in trouble, I don't ask anyone for help... I had only called you and asked to meet. That's all, just that much!
Even if you had never loved me, I wouldn't have demanded it from you. My love was selfless from the beginning; that's why I wouldn't have taken it.
Listen, be harsh, it doesn't matter. I loved you knowing and accepting everything about you. This wasn't some teenager's love. Many people love well these days, but their age isn't the same as mine, and neither is their love. Isn't that so?
Why am I saying so much when I said goodbye just a few hours ago! I don't know. The day you leave this city, perhaps many will cry, because maybe you gave them a lot of your time or met with them often!
But I will never cry. Do you know why? Because I didn't love you based on your presence or absence. Wherever you go in this world, I'll have no trouble loving you; the reason being, you always remain within me.
How deeply I have loved you... Sometimes I think, no one else has ever loved you the way I have! If I had loved God this much, He would have appeared before me by now!
I keep searching for the old you. Stay well in this city with the people of your heart.
Thought: Eight hundred ninety-six

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One. After finishing in the bathroom, he discovered there was no water in the tap.

After falling in love, she discovered the beloved wasn't there at all.
...Both leave terribly ugly stains!
Two. Those who tell you about their sorrows and keep telling you, they assume you're very happy. Those who don't market their own grief are thought to be happy by people! Ridiculous! They don't understand that only those who have much sorrow themselves can digest others' sorrows. In this world, the more sorrow someone has, the quieter they remain about their own pain.
Three. Rather than causing pain by loving someone infinitely, it's far better to love them a little and give them peace. In human memory, peace holds a place above love. Many can love well, but how many can give peace! Love that brings unrest only creates intense irritation.
Who likes me is far less important than who gives me peace.
Either peace, or hatred. (The word "hatred" used here in the sense of "indifference.")
Four. At midnight I desperately want to cry, sitting at your feet.
You were never someone from the virtual world for me. You were my reason for living, the source of my smile. What love is and how deep and beautiful it can be—I learned and understood this only after loving you.
If someone gets morning, someone else gets evening; I had nothing in my share, and this is what you called fate!
You think I'm foolish, don't you? Please, don't think of me as foolish anymore, because I really am foolish. Rather, know me to be foolish.
Touch-and-see love, meaning love that survives only on touch, is much like cotton candy. Put it in your mouth, and it's gone instantly!
You know, I absolutely adore cotton candy. I leave the house to eat cotton candy. Yes, that's a good reason for me to leave the house.
I want to touch you, this desire was never there before. But suddenly...
Don't think again that I often want to touch you. Today is the first time I felt this urge! For some reason I feel that very soon I'll move far away from you, and perhaps never come back to bother you again... I truly feel this way.
Many have loved me. I chose not to understand any of theirs. I understand their pain now, when you refuse to understand mine.
Well, you and I are not the same. Then why didn't you understand? Did the exception have to happen, and that too in my case?
On Durgabari Road, right by Janata Bank, there's a lane where they make excellent milk tea. I often go there alone in the evenings and have some. I never need anyone to pass time or chase away loneliness.
Yes, those who know how to love well and selflessly never have problems, and they don't sit around wondering who loved them and who didn't!
The problem mainly lies with those who don't know how to love at all. Even if someone loves them, they feel uncomfortable; if someone just wants to know, "Did you eat lunch?" even then they have a big problem!
Actually, love isn't such that you must love only in exchange for receiving love.
You and I never had any relationship. I didn't really like you much from the beginning. Yet gradually I ended up loving you! This is how it happens.
You probably didn't notice, and I didn't exactly declare it loudly either. Looking at the extent of madness I've committed this past year, even I'm amazed!
I don't want to live without you. That's perhaps why I stay quiet most of the time, and silently endure the hundreds and thousands of wounds you inflict!
Increase the neglect even more, because you have nothing else to give me!
I had asked for a little bit of time, and you said, "I'll give my time to whomever I please!" Huh... what an arrogant person!
As if I loved you just for your time! Hey boy, why are you so ridiculous!?
Why would you give time to just anyone? You could give that time to someone who has forgotten how to smile while crying for you. Couldn't you? Of those you give time to, has any of them ever shed a single tear thinking of you?
My miser! Even if you don't love me, at least give me some time as a gift...?