Thought: Two hundred and eighty-eight.
……………………………………..
Reading your piece “After Distance”
made my tears flow fourfold.
(I was already crying before reading it, which is why I put it that way.) Every word matched my present circumstances. My situation is even more terrible—we’re already married. Neela has a chance to break free,
but I don’t even have that;
I have my family,
society, relatives with me. When I think of everything,
my head spins. Every second becomes unbearable. I dreamed of becoming a BCS cadre officer,
and by Allah’s grace I have whatever intellectual ability that requires, but I’ve lost the mental strength
needed for it today. I keep losing, constantly.
Sorry for troubling you.
I’m Sheli,
from Shantahar. I completed my Master’s in Zoology this year. I’ve also finished a four-year diploma in medical technology. I’m the eldest of three sisters. I have no brothers,
so my family has many dreams about me. They had a great hope
that I would become a doctor. I was always among the top three in class,
so my teachers too expected that I would achieve something great one day.
When I was in eighth grade, I got into a relationship with the first boy in our class. I was somewhat sociable by nature,
but a girl of few words,
so everyone liked me. I used to hate the whole business of liking someone,
love, all that. But I don’t know how it happened,
some good qualities in that boy enchanted me. Like being quiet, talking little with girls,
helping others, things like that. Our relationship slowly progressed this way. When I reached tenth grade,
everyone found out about us. My family,
his family,
the school teachers… everyone. My family wanted to stop my education. I was going through a very difficult time. At one point I felt I had caused my parents pain,
that I had made a mistake. But I couldn’t leave him either, because if I abandoned him, his life would be ruined. So I decided to commit suicide. Some of my friends understood this and informed our headmaster. Sir took me to his room, counseled me for fifteen minutes and said, “Suppose
you’re my mother, I’ve come to you asking for good SSC results,
wouldn’t you give that to your son?” Sir’s words brought tears to my eyes,
I felt immense affection for him. Right then I changed my decision and began studying, achieving fairly good results.
I moved up to HSC. My family thought
I had no relationship with him,
but we did maintain our connection, for one reason only—
I felt
that if I left him his life would be destroyed,
and I too couldn’t live without him. Then, though I passed HSC, he
failed,
and he
told me,
leave me and go away,
but driven by my own conscience I couldn’t let go of his hand.
After I enrolled in university, we married according to family wishes—after much hardship, much sacrifice. He wasn’t doing anything then. Our parents covered all our expenses. Then, after much persuasion, I got him to pass his higher secondary. After that he enrolled in a Diploma in Medical Faculty program, and I enrolled in the same, while continuing my university studies alongside. I also got him enrolled in university, though he never finished it. We studied in Rajshahi, so we rented a place and lived there. We both did some tutoring for pocket money. Sometimes we’d go on trips, and he helped me with all my work.
Our life was going quite well, you could say. We dreamed that after finishing our studies, we’d both get good jobs, then we wouldn’t have to take money from home anymore, we’d live even better. Seven years passed well after marriage—though we lacked money, we never lacked love. I never pressured him about anything; whenever I could, I’d give him some gift or other. He couldn’t go a moment without me. Everyone in our household loved him for his behavior. We were very happy. Our studies ended, we both got small jobs—the salary wasn’t much, but we thought now we’d organize our household a bit. But I had no idea what a tremendous shock was waiting for me.
We joined as lecturers at a Meditech Institute in Natore. Within a month I discovered he’d been having a relationship with another girl for a year and a half. Where I had sacrificed everything day after day, went to other people’s houses to tutor for my expenses, couldn’t even have children due to lack of money, thinking he would never even lift his eyes to look at another girl—there he was spending money on another girl, buying her gifts, spending days with her at our house in my absence, telling her it was his friend’s place.
I can’t bear such a tremendous blow. I’ve known about it for almost a year. I haven’t let him understand I know. I confirmed it very cleverly. After that he begged my forgiveness many times, but I couldn’t become normal. My mental state is very bad now. I’m going through a kind of trauma. I tried to commit suicide in between, was even hospitalized. I’ve told my family. My father and mother tell me to come home, but I keep thinking, what will people say, my younger sister is studying medicine, she has to be married. Again, I can’t accept his affair at all. Now we fight every day. Every second feels unbearable. Again thoughts of suicide circle in my head, then again I think, this is a great sin—if I leave like this, what will I answer to Allah? Why should I give my life for one wrong person? Nothing will happen to him! After my death he’ll probably marry that girl and bring her home! Better to do something for my own career instead.
I had given away all my strength for moving forward to someone else. The mental strength needed to stand on my own—that has been lost today. I no longer feel like living. What shall I do now?
For the past 24 hours I have been surviving on water alone,
my mind is barely functioning,
only scattered thoughts keep coming to me. Dear reader, of all the sacrifices I have made in my life, all the suffering I have endured,
I have been able to capture only 10% in my writing—please understand the rest with your grace. Can everything really be explained through words or writing?
You tell me!
Separation stands above love. Separation is purely honest,
while love always contains deception. No more. Better this separation than such love. I’m thinking of leaving. I don’t know where I’ll go. Wherever I may flee,
life will never stop pursuing me!
Reflection: Two hundred and ninety-nine.
……………………………………..
: From now on I’ll try to earn, I’ll devote myself heart and soul to finding a job, and until I can manage that, I’ll truly touch my father’s shoes to my head twice a day,
and slap myself hard across the face with those very shoes. You’ve pointed your finger at my eyes and shown me what life really is!
Even now tears keep flowing from my eyes!
If I could ever meet you, I would be tremendously happy!
: Hey,
you fool! What are you saying?
: Brother,
I’ve looked at this message several times over two days. Perhaps there’s nothing truly magical in this “Hey, you fool!”
but when you come to love someone from the depths of your heart,
then even their casual “how are you,” “what did you eat,”
“where are you going”—you want to read these kinds of messages over and over…………I remember so well,
when I first received a smiley emoji from my ex-girlfriend,
I took a screenshot of that reply, printed it out and kept it under my pillow………..There’s a kind of madness and happiness in this. In my opinion,
there are two kinds of reasons for loving someone. One, loving without any particular reason. Two, exactly the opposite of the first reason. Perhaps in your
“Hey, you fool!” there’s also some specialness hidden
that I cannot understand. I cannot describe how surprising this little message of yours is to me.
I love you for the simplicity of your lifestyle. Living among everyone while not becoming like everyone—that’s not easy. Mixing with people of all classes yet maintaining your own class, that’s wonderful! You think simply,
speak simply. I find that beautiful.
Let me tell you a story. In school, I failed English six times. Everyone used to laugh at me. One day I swore to myself that no matter what it took, I would learn to write and speak in English. I began reading English books voraciously. Whatever I could find written in English, I would certainly read it. I started learning grammar, tried to expand my vocabulary by writing things down in notebooks. My friends would mock me when they saw these mad pursuits of mine. I never said anything back to them. Some would try to tease me by calling me “Englishman.” Day after day, I endured it all with a smile. Whatever anyone might say, I always remained sincere in my intention and effort. I believed then, and still believe now, that we come to this world to learn. Anyone who knows more than me, understands more than me—whoever they might be—if they’re willing to teach me, and if I get the chance to learn from them, there’s no shame in learning from them. We have much to learn from every place, from every incident. At that time, I would try to learn from those who knew English better than I did. I had fallen in love with English then. Just as boys become intoxicated with the love of some beauty, I too was intoxicated with the addiction to English, day after day. Any detail of English—words, usage rules—if I got a chance to learn them, I would seize it. I bought nearly a hundred books, both local and foreign, on improving English proficiency and filled up our house. I would spend all my time immersed in English. I loved English; learning English felt like prayer to me.
Three and a half years passed this way. In class, I became the best student in English. To learn English, I didn’t enroll in any coaching center; what I did was—day after day, wage war with myself. Everyone who used to laugh and joke at my expense, I answered them by becoming a different me. Now I’m no longer the old me—who will they make fun of now?
The man from our neighborhood who used to laugh at me came to me a few days ago and said, “Can you help me with something?” I said, “Yes, Uncle, tell me, what needs to be done?” He said, “I’m taking your aunt to India to see a doctor, so I need to get an appointment with a doctor there. I don’t know English very well—could you please do this work for me?” With great sincerity, I contacted that doctor via email, provided information about the patient’s condition and other relevant details, and got the appointment for that uncle. He was very happy… and got a fitting response to his past behavior!
One must respond not with words, but with deeds. Those who used to laugh at me—if they ever come to me with any English problems, no matter how busy I am with work, I help them. Through serving them, I take revenge for old humiliations. There is no more beautiful revenge than success. Before, others would say what I was. Now, my work itself speaks to what I am!
Success is not an achievement, not an acquisition, not an accounting; success is a kind of feeling—what a deeply satisfying feeling it is!
Thought: Two hundred ninety.
……………………………………..
Greetings. May I share some of your statuses?
Oh hello!
Is anyone there?
Seems like no one’s around. Perhaps my message, like those of a thousand others, lies unseen. Of course, one doesn’t have to see everyone’s messages!
On second thought, that’s rather good—it saves me from your famous welcome list!
Let me clarify upfront: unlike your other friends, I haven’t knocked to talk about studies. So please don’t get angry and banish me to some Balkan realm.
Ugh! I’m really quite foolish!
Babbling like an idiot. Before being sent to any list, one needs to have their message seen, which you’ll never do. Therefore, I’m free from all anxieties!
Hahahaha………
On the 23rd, you left a status about love incomplete. I wanted to complete it for you. But before I could, you edited the post and completed it yourself. Then I saw how beautifully your writing read.
It’s actually good that you don’t see my messages. I can speak my mind freely, without hesitation or embarrassment. How many can do that, tell me?
Hmm! You know what it feels like now? Exactly like talking alone in a closed room. The sensation of this experience is truly unique.
Anyway, that’s all the messaging for today. I’ll come back tomorrow to bother you again, how about that? Good night. And please don’t put me on that dreadful welcome list from hell. Then I’d be deprived of your like-worthy pictures.
Hi! How are you?
It’s been ages since I messaged you. You know, somehow my heart isn’t well today. And there’s no one to lift my spirits. Please post a poem! I’m longing to read something new of yours. Please!
Tell me, why are you like this? Do people become this way after landing big jobs? Everyone messages you because you’ve become so successful. But that’s not why I do it. The events of your life and mine are almost identical. So I reach out from a sense of kinship. Of course, if you hadn’t succeeded, I probably would never have known of your existence.
Oh hello!
Hey there!
How are you?
Hahaha……my message still remains beyond his line of sight. Better unseen than seen. Who knows what might happen if seen, and I’d have to retreat. Let it be—I’m quite content this way, staying close yet at an invisible distance.
Anyway, your thoughts are as cute and innocent as mine.
There were some things I wanted to say. But I’m not sure how right it would be to say them. This much is true, though — the kind of person you’re looking for still exists in this world. Perhaps many of them even love you. You’ll have to find them yourself. Women can be so shy! How many will actually speak their hearts and let those words reach your ears, if not your heart? Tell me.
Many hold back from even approaching, fearing rejection. I know this fear is baseless and childish. Yet fear comes anyway! When fear enters someone’s heart, what fault is theirs? Isn’t it more comforting to stay at a distance than to come close only to be pushed away? Rather than enduring rejection, it’s more joyful to keep hope alive from afar. There’s a kind of happiness in not having, a strength, a steadfastness. Doubt is better than humiliation.
Well then, I should go. It’s time for prayer. Praying with closed eyes is more beneficial than sleeping with open ones.
Hello there! When you’re unwell, please rest at home. Don’t write in this sick state — you can do it later. Writing must be terribly painful! Why are you causing yourself suffering even while ill? Rest now. Have you seen a doctor? If you have, then take medicine as prescribed and rest.
I was very busy since morning, so I couldn’t check in. Don’t be angry. I saw your status. Why are you upset with this sick body? What if the fever gets worse?
Anyway, are you thinking of your mother? If possible, bring Auntie to stay with you. You’ll feel better with her beside you. You’ll see — your spirits will lift, and the weakness will feel somewhat less. Take your medicine and food properly, alright?
Listen! How are you now? It seems you’re feeling a bit better. Are you resting? You don’t need to write such long pieces right now. Fever sometimes returns, you know. If you don’t rest, trouble might come again.
I saw your post. To find that friend of yours, you’ll need to go back to your inbox messages from three years ago. If you click on her ID in the inbox messages, you shouldn’t have trouble finding her. You’re suffering because you can’t find her. Won’t the suffering increase even more when she returns? Are you sure? The imagination that “she was” brings peace — won’t the reality that “she is” bring just as much unrest?
P.S. The other day you went to visit my sister’s house. When you went, you bought lots of chips for my sister’s daughter. You know her name, don’t you? Murchhona. That day she was so happy getting all those chips. She showed them to everyone in the house saying you had brought them. I went to their house after that. Murchhona asked me, “Auntie, when will my chip-uncle come again?” I said, “Why, dear? Do you need him?” She quickly replied, “No, I need some more chips.”
Anyway, are you well now? Your days pass wonderfully, don’t they? You can lighten your heart and write away your sorrows! How fortunate you are!
Thought: Two hundred ninety-one.
……………………………………..
I read some of your writing in an anthology. I liked it very much. As soon as I finished, I found myself thinking, is there nothing more? It was this hunger for more of your writing that led me to search for you on Facebook. I don’t stay on Facebook, don’t want to. Facebook seems full of people with false faces, that’s how it appears to me. I used to visit once or twice a month from a fake account. Now I log in every day—driven by the desire to read your writing, and this is the truth, the absolute truth!
You know, tomorrow is my birthday. For many, many days I had been planning to commit suicide tonight. After reading some of your writing, I felt that staying alive is necessary, that I will remain in this world for as long as Allah wishes. Whether anyone loves me or not, I will live by loving myself. What do you think? Have I made a good decision?
The birthday went well enough. But throughout the day I kept feeling like dying. I cried several times. Crying makes me feel lighter. Now I feel as though I could fly away anywhere like a bird’s feather if I wished. Actually, you know what’s happening—day by day despair has consumed me so completely that I’ve become utterly pessimistic. Those who cannot tolerate themselves, cannot tolerate anyone around them either—behind such behavior lies some history of pain. I belong to that group. Perhaps that’s why I no longer find living pleasant, why questions like “what’s the point of staying alive” arise in my mind, why I keep pushing myself into the oscillations of various contradictions.
My younger sister first told me about you. She had many dreams—she wanted to become a doctor. She didn’t get admission to medical college, so she’s studying at a college affiliated with the National University. She still dreams that perhaps some kind-hearted person will help her financially to get a chance to study at a private medical college, to help fulfill her childhood dream.
You know, we don’t have much money, but we have a lot of land, and if we sold just a little of it, everything could change for us, though we wouldn’t starve even without selling. I know you can’t just suddenly sell land on a whim. My father has agreed to sell the land, we have some wealthy relatives, but none of them are willing to buy the land. None of them help us in any way, and when we mention borrowing money against the land as collateral, they say nasty things instead. One thing they said always rings in my sister’s ears: If she had the ability to become a doctor, she would have gotten admission to a government college. She didn’t! She doesn’t have the capacity to achieve anything through her own merit, so why is she now begging from others? What’s the point of educating a girl so much? Just get her married and all the troubles will end!…Their argument is that since I’m older and still studying instead of getting married, if both sisters were married off together, all troubles would end. The girls will manage their husbands and households, and study a little if they can. What more is needed than this? Marriage has to happen sooner or later anyway! Many, many more such words! Hearing all this, my younger sister has completely broken down mentally. She didn’t get admission to medical college the second time either. I love my sister very much. Perhaps I love her even more than I love my parents. So I can’t bear to see her suffering. I mix her problems with my own melancholy and somehow get everything tangled up. Nothing feels good to me anymore.
Tomorrow she has her exam at Noakhali Science and Technology University. Even yesterday she was saying she won’t take the exam. Because she has no qualifications, she’ll study at National. And so on, and so forth.
From childhood, she would explain various things to me, because I would cry and wail at the slightest provocation, couldn’t easily handle even simple matters, was extremely timid by nature. And there was my sister—so spirited, brave and intelligent, practical, didn’t cry easily, never broke down. That same sister of mine now cries day and night and expects all sorts of strange miracles! When someone so grounded in reality becomes lost in the realm of imagination, how does it feel! She believes she will definitely become a doctor! But who sits waiting to honor her faith? We simply cannot make her understand this simple truth!
Our parents support us greatly, but at day’s end, that old middle-class rural sentiment scrambles everything! These days I see Mother suddenly sit down and tell Father, “You know, it wouldn’t be bad to get the girls married off! I can’t take all this tension anymore!” Tonight too Mother said, “Just get married! How much more?” And tomorrow morning this same mother will perhaps paint dreams again: “Listen, will you be able to become a BCS cadre? If I had money in my own hands, I could have managed all your expenses myself! Why didn’t I take that girls’ school job? Why didn’t I study further after intermediate? My whole life is ending just pulling the millstone of your family! I couldn’t accomplish anything in life! I couldn’t raise you properly as human beings. What should I do, tell me! I don’t have money in my hands!”
Mother’s soliloquy of lament never ends.
Ah, where was I, and where am I drifting! Family is such a difficult place! People eagerly step into this family-trap, and then cannot escape. They remain stuck in this trap their entire lives! You probably won’t have time to read all my rambling words. I know you’re getting annoyed. Please forgive me. My life is full of complaints. I’m forbidden to dream, forbidden even to hear or speak of dreams. Please pray not for me, but for my little sister. May Allah show her the finest path.
Reading the post about your book makes me want to say something too. In that anthology edited by Lina Apu where I first read your writing, after getting hold of the collection, I first read all the writers’ introductions. Just reading your introduction made me like you. So I started reading your section first. I saw that the section arranged with your writing was the largest. So much writing! Days passed, and with them the writings. I kept reading. Eventually your section ended. What regret I felt then! Why isn’t there more? Won’t I be able to read anymore? I once thought of asking Apu about you. Then I thought, what will Apu think? Apu knows I’m not on Facebook. What embarrassment enveloped me!
The beginning of the year has passed quite well, I see. Stay well throughout the year. Goodbye.
I too shall be well. I am learning to be well in my own way. I must learn to be well without falling in love with anyone or anything. How much grander dreams are than love! So for now, I live with my dreams alone!
Thought: Two hundred and ninety-two.
……………………………………..
You are a polished paint on the four
walls of our arena. Scatter the color beyond the borders, beyond the cultures,
on the far side of our territory. Happy birthday.
Please accept my greetings. I saw you in a dream last night. There was something wrong in that dream. Still, I liked it.
I dreamed we met. I was so happy. But for some reason, you were running away from me! I couldn’t understand why this was happening. Suddenly I grasped the reason. You were running because you were wearing a lungi! I nearly died laughing!
Let me introduce myself. I am Jakia. I studied pharmacy. I’m going through some problems. I can’t fix my goals, I’m caught in terrible indecision. I love research. I want to do a PhD in something related to pharmacy. But my family doesn’t want that. They have only one refrain—get married! Since I’m a girl, not everything I say is taken very seriously in the family. There’s little opportunity to go abroad for studies either. Because the family won’t allow that either. But yes, if I take the BCS exam, they have no objection to that. The opportunities to work here in my field of study are limited. I love pharmacy. But I’m not someone who will just stick to what I love. My desire is to join the BCS foreign service cadre and go abroad to do a PhD. So I’ve decided to join as a lecturer in pharmacy at some private university in the meantime. This will make it easier for me to prepare for the BCS exam.
My marriage is being discussed. The family I’m being matched with won’t let me do a PhD, but they’ll let me become a BCS cadre. Though it sounds absurd, that’s exactly how it is! They’re ready to accept a BCS cadre daughter-in-law, but not ready to accept a PhD holder daughter-in-law. My would-be husband has done his master’s. He has no desire to study further, so he currently has no desire to let his wife study more than him either.
I saw a post of yours. You feel like forgiving all the faults of beautiful women. I pray that you find an extraordinarily beautiful life companion. Let her be a water-drinking apsara from a dozen ghats before marriage, she’s beautiful after all! She can spend the rest of her life loving you!
I read your story. I have real examples from the present and past of Neela from your story, but now I’m worried thinking whether Neela’s future will be just as wretched even with Oritro’s good position? We hope for something good, God willing, good deeds will be rewarded with good—that’s what I hope for. You’re probably thinking, is my life also like that! There isn’t complete similarity between her and me; my story is more sacred, something more. I’ve taken hold of the life of someone cast away from life. I’ve never heard a story like mine.
If there’s any real challenge in life, it is this—coming to terms with one’s own family. The more beautifully one can accomplish this task, the more beautiful their life becomes.
Reflection: Two hundred and ninety-three.
……………………………………..
According to your statement, beautiful girls don’t stay single. So I’m not beautiful, because I’m single. I was angry with you, but when I heard you were coming to our campus, I knocked. Come, I’ll attend your program. But let me tell you one thing—beautiful girls also stay without boyfriends.
I watched your program. Liked it very much. I thought I’d meet you. But what’s the point of meeting, tell me! You don’t even read my messages! And does it make you want to meet? Tell me, will you get married this year? I’m thinking of doing it. You should do it too.
Don’t say again, “Let me see…” And don’t keep seeing—you’ve seen enough! What’s the use of looking at other people’s wives? Now look at your own wife. There’s nothing much to search for. Just grab one and get it done. A girlfriend needs to be beautiful, but it’s better if the wife isn’t too beautiful—no one will notice, and you can live in great peace. If you bring home a beautiful wife, your life will be ruined just guarding her. Better to bring someone who has no rival in beauty—I mean, someone who isn’t the type that’s unique in beauty and virtue! You’ll see, forget about others, you yourself won’t even lift your eyes to look at your wife. No more tension, just peace and peace. You need a plain-Jane type of girl who will make you disappear in the trouble of plainness!
Let me tell you a heartbreaking story. My only brother’s Facebook ID was hacked about 4 years ago. Listen to this story with some attention, please! It’s a sad story, so listen with your heart! Do you know what the girl who hacked his ID did? You don’t need to know anymore. You’re not listening to me anyway!
Something has happened that I want to tell you. In anger, sorrow, and humiliation I’ve made a decision—I won’t stay at my father’s house much longer! I’ve also gotten the boy ready without telling the family! I seek your prayers.
Sorry, I didn’t get the boy ready, it should be ‘I’ve decided.’ I made a mistake writing in too much excitement. I apologize.
I saw in your status that you’ve requested those who find you annoying to unfriend you! Sorry, I can’t unfriend you. If I have to try not to annoy you for this, I can try that too!
Reading your last post about the girl from CUET’s Electrical department made me feel quite sad. I can’t think of how many other generous and noble-hearted fools like you exist in this world. It was that girl’s misfortune to miss out on such a wonderfully naive kind of husband! But if I had been in that girl’s place, when I saw that my family wouldn’t let me marry the boy I liked, I would have spoken about you and confessed my own guilt, telling my family the whole truth. I see some girls in whom the sense of guilt simply never functions at all!
You know, I was once a very serious student. But coming to university, I’ve descended to a much lower level. My results here haven’t matched my expectations. I haven’t even achieved the results I deserved. Despite extensive preparation, I’ve given many terrible exams and returned home dejected. Time and again, I’ve foundered just as I reached the shore. In first year, I had the desire to be first class first. I tried accordingly too. But somewhere I had some flaw. My luck never favored me. In university, you can get first place by repeatedly studying selected portions, but I kept making mistakes. I study extensively, I read as much as I used to before, in the same way. Despite studying tremendously, I couldn’t write properly on the exam papers, couldn’t answer correctly in viva boards even when I knew the material, so I got fewer marks. The girl whose target was to be first—after results came out, that girl couldn’t even be found! I kept making the same mistakes over and over! I cannot live with my head bowed down. But for the past three years, I’ve had to live exactly like that. I know that if I had prepared properly, I could have done much better than everyone else, but I couldn’t. Each time I failed. You know, I have no confidence left in myself anymore. Today third year results came out. I got 3.00, where the highest was 3.67! Among my friends, my result is the worst! But none of them has a better background than me! Yet today, look where they are, and where I am!
It hurts most when I see that these very people don’t give me any regard. This is perhaps quite natural! But I cannot accept it. Perhaps because I couldn’t evaluate my own abilities myself, I’ve had to spend the last three years with my head bowed down! I want the chapter of my mistakes to end right here. Honours final is in three months. Once again I will try with everything I have to be first. I will make no more mistakes. My back isn’t just against the wall now, it’s embedded in it. Let’s see what happens!
It occurs to me that I cannot prove myself with just one result. I want to be the best among many. I want to demonstrate what everyone wants to do, but very few people can actually accomplish. I don’t know how much intellect Allah has given me. But I will be able to work much harder. In the past three years I’ve only stumbled and gotten back up again and again. Whether I succeed or not, I have never given up hope, never lost my morale.
I never dreamed of the BCS. While my friends prepared for the BCS examination, I never did. I didn’t study for it, because I couldn’t bear to face the pain of shattered dreams again. Not getting into medical college had dealt me a tremendous blow in life. I had worked so hard, yet failed. I truly had toiled beyond measure, but nothing came of it. Many nights passed with tears soaking my pillow. I was so consumed with medicine that if the medical entrance exam could have been taken ten times, I would probably have attempted it ten times, and even if I had gotten a chance on the tenth try, I would have abandoned everything to enroll in medical college! No, I didn’t want to become a doctor—I simply wanted to get in. It was my obsession. But I couldn’t; I failed. BCS is much the same. So I feared to dream, wondering what would happen if it turned out like medical college again? I don’t want to work hard again only to fail. Perhaps no one knows better than I how piercing the agony of broken dreams can be.
The past five years have been the worst of my academic life. And at this moment, I am going through my most difficult time. After receiving my results today, I have decided that I must become a BCS cadre at any cost! I have no preparation, I am twenty-three years old. I only know this much: I will study very well, and until I turn thirty, I will not give up under any circumstances. If I remain in good health, I will fulfill my dream—I will!
I have started reading your writings on BCS preparation. I will not accept defeat; I will not live with my head bowed in any way. I cannot live like that. I will give it my utmost effort. Boys can forget worldly concerns and sit with books all day long, but girls cannot. In a girl’s life, the trouble called ‘marriage’ inevitably arrives. By the middle of the year after finishing my Master’s, my family will marry me off. I wonder, will my BCS exam preparation be complete by then? Never! Fourth-year finals are in May. After that, I can start preparing. But as I said, I have to begin from zero! I know absolutely nothing! Just reading your guidelines on English makes my head spin! I don’t know any of this! When will I study all this? I am perhaps going through the most difficult phase of my life. Present or future—I cannot see any ray of hope anywhere! I often feel that nothing will come of me! I cannot understand why I should nurture hope in my heart! Hope for what?
I know,
I’ll have to forget about eating and sleeping and just study. Wandering around, talking on the phone,
Facebooking, chatting…….all of it,
all, all of it — gone!
I’m at zero now. The path from this emptiness to the summit is treacherous. But I must traverse that path!
For this, I’ll have to bind myself. I’ll have to keep myself away from all kinds of comfort and ease. If I work with inhuman effort, I will surely reach my goal. For those like me who can work very hard,
BCS is the right choice. It will require great patience,
which I have. I must put that to work! I’ve deceived myself too much — no more. I’ve slept too much — no more. I’ve wasted too much time — no more. I must start preparing right after finishing my master’s. If even one candidate gets the job,
that will be me. That’s how I’ll study. No more despair, now it’s only time for victory. If I succeed, everyone will salute me;
and if I don’t succeed, it will only be because Allah
doesn’t will it, because no one will be able to prepare better than me — that’s how I’ll forge myself.
Everyone calls all your photos beautiful. Is it possible for all of someone’s photos to be beautiful? Never! Actually, they call them beautiful simply because they’re your photos. Photos become beautiful because of the person,
not for their own sake. If you were someone else,
would anyone talk so much about your photos? One day I too will claim my place at the center of such discussions!
Thought: Two hundred ninety-one.
……………………………………..
: The one I’ve loved for nine months,
she also likes me very much. I try to do everything possible for her. Let me mention a few things. During her exams, I keep voluntary fasts,
I wake up at night to pray tahajjud. When she’s traveling, I get very anxious, then I pray,
and do other such things. I’m fine in every way,
but despite liking me, she can’t bring herself to love me. At the beginning of this year, she fell in love with a Buddhist girl. Apparently this girl had a crush on her,
and the girl let her know about it. The girl had cried a lot for her, and seeing this, she thought the girl loved her deeply. The girl’s behavior created a kind of weakness in her toward the girl,
and she too fell in love with the girl. Then she asked the girl whether she would convert for her sake.
When she fell in love with that girl, she didn’t know that I loved her,
because I had never explicitly told her about my love. I would talk to her,
take great care of her,
pray for her,
fast for her,
but I told her about my love very late. By then she had already fallen in love with that other girl.
Now the situation is this:
she has told me that
despite liking me, she can’t love me,
because she will wait to hear what that girl says about converting.
The problem with that girl is that instead of giving her a direct yes or no, she keeps asking for time,
while also keeping the relationship going.
The young man is a lecturer at our very university, the girl is a student here like me. So, that girl keeps stringing him along without saying anything clear to him, taking all kinds of advantages from him because he’s a teacher, doing so many other things that don’t suit him at all, but the girl keeps making him do it all.
The person I love intensely is spellbound by love for the wrong person. Even after I’ve explained this to him repeatedly, that girl—who maintains all sorts of contact with him purely to exploit various opportunities—he remains blind to her! And on the other side, the one who loves him so much that she keeps voluntary fasts for his well-being, offers prayers, he can’t give her any priority at all! He’s blind even with his eyes wide open! What intoxication has so bewitched him that he keeps walking endlessly down the wrong path—I still can’t understand it!
I’m waiting, hoping for when his delusion will break. I’m in such pain, I feel like crying. I can’t eat properly, can’t sleep, can’t study. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I have no attention for anything at all.
Brother, what can I do, tell me?
: Go lay a big fat egg!
: I can’t lay eggs! If I could, I would have tried it to see if it brings any peace! Truly, I love him terribly, brother! And I have to endure this… the one I love intensely is infatuated with someone else! I never would have understood how blind a person can be even with eyes, if I hadn’t seen him. It hurts terribly!
: Do I even know you? We’ve been friends since 2012! Are you just for show, just kept on a list! I can’t understand!
: You don’t know me. I came to know you this way… I used to hear a lot about you. Many of my friends were your students. Since 2010, I mean from my intermediate years, I used to hear about you from my friends. That’s how I came to know you. Well brother, please pray for me a little. Because when I see the one I love intensely being blind, dancing to someone else’s demands, it hurts terribly terribly terribly. Keep me in your good wishes, may my days of suffering end.
: Fool. Dance and die! Farewell!
: I understand. I’m also dancing and… dying for it! Exactly right! What can I do! The heart won’t listen, brother!
: Start loving me instead. All problems solved! I won’t give you any pain. Promise!
: Even if Princess Diana’s son came to me now and asked me to love him, I wouldn’t! Except for that one person, not an ounce of love will come into me for anyone else.
: Very good! That’s exactly the kind of Laili Begum we need! Best wishes to you.
: Brother,
Did you unfriend me? I haven’t bothered you in any way, have I?
Listen, brother,
You didn’t say anything—
What should I do? My pain just keeps growing day by day. Yesterday they posted a couple photo on Facebook! I researched all night but couldn’t decipher any meaning from it! Oh
Brother, tell me,
What should I do to make her come back to me?
Won’t you reply, brother?
Why are you so selfish?
: I have on my hands—
Even amid tremendous busyness, I have endless leisure to do what I love;
Even amid endless leisure, you have tremendous busyness that prevents you from doing what I love.
I am selfish?
Why? Because I’m not spending my time the way you prefer?
Then what are you?