Thought: Two hundred fifty-three.
……………………………………..
One.
My friends and I,
when we studied at a small university, used to listen to the grand words of students from big universities and think they were truly great. In life,
we would fall behind, while they would forge ahead.
Now we no longer think that way.
Because now we can see both their certain present and their probable future
together.
Now we understand that whoever talks big in student life gets precisely that many slaps from the future—sometimes even more. It feels wonderfully consoling to think about this.
Whoever can keep their mouth shut in student life will do that much better once student life ends—I have yet to see an exception to this rule. Lack of humility destroys talent.
However, there are some extraordinarily gifted people who forge ahead no matter how arrogant they are—nothing can stop them. They are different. They don’t fall within any grammar.
University entrance exams only determine which university you attend, not in any way how your life turns out—whoever realizes this truth later will suffer needless self-satisfaction or self-loathing,
and gradually head toward destruction.
Don’t believe it? Very well, silently observe someone like that,
and notice within five years of graduating from university how far they managed to go
relative to their ability. You’ll understand for yourself afterward.
Two.
How easy death is!
Death sometimes even makes living easier.
If this me of today were to become ‘nothing’
tomorrow,
wouldn’t today’s existence be a stark truth?
How serious we are about life, yet this life pays us no heed. In hope of reaching distant people, we push away those close to us. We change colors in an instant. We don’t even have time to think about who got hurt. We may not be able to give anything else, but we give pain. No one returns empty-handed. They take something along—love or pain. We sit making hundred-year plans, forgetting this moment of being alive. Do we ever wonder whether we’ll survive the next hundred seconds?
Three.
The love that’s born in moonlight white as milk foam
doesn’t last in the end.
There are things you can never explain with logic,
yet these very things have the greatest influence on your life.
At one point, in a relationship, when you can’t understand tears—you want to explain them…….the relationship then hasn’t yet,
properly,
become a relationship.
Then again, at a point, in a relationship,
when you understand tears—you want to hide them…….the relationship is then either at its strongest, or most fragile.
When a person makes mistakes, they keep making mistakes. Making mistakes is a kind of habit.
Four.
The one to whom life has given nothing
fights their first battle against life itself. And loses.
The second battle they fight against those to whom life has given so much. Alas!
They lose again.
Yet if they had fought that battle against themselves, they would certainly have won. This secret the losers could never understand. Of course, that battle is exceedingly difficult. Not everyone can fight it.
Do you remember the story of Paradise Lost?
The devils have a kingdom. The king of that kingdom is the greatest devil of all. He teaches everyone the wisdom of becoming devils. His royal court is called Pandemonium.
The losers also have a kingdom. The king of that kingdom is the greatest loser of all. He teaches everyone else the wisdom of becoming losers. I shall name his royal court Jealousemonium.
These two kingdoms share one common trait. It is this: even if you visit these kingdoms out of mere curiosity, you cannot remain just a visitor—you inevitably become, in your own unconscious, a permanent inhabitant. Therefore,
saints beware!
Five.
He has become a teacher,
travels around giving lectures everywhere, never takes any money. Various places invite him, he
goes. He also writes for newspapers. So,
he has to read books constantly. He’s been like this since childhood. If we ever gave him money to buy clothes, he’d spend it on books instead. Even now he buys lots of books,
seeing this makes me happy. I’ve been practicing since 1978, for 38 years now,
so many people come to me to learn law, they think
I know a lot, actually I don’t know much,
but still I try to help them as much as I can. I haven’t really achieved anything in life,
I only wanted
my two sons to become good human beings. For them, I’ve never asked anyone for anything in life except blessings, as far as I can remember. Seeing them become good people,
this is my peace. For them I only want blessings, nothing else.
(My father was saying these things among many others while talking with my younger brother Hasan, I learned this from him one day while sitting at the Kalabagan bus counter.
I have received recognition as a ‘teacher’
from my sage-like father. Father finds peace thinking of me as a teacher. Even if I receive no other recognition in life, I will have not the slightest sorrow.)
Reflection: Two hundred and fifty-four.
……………………………………..
One.
Life is too short to have a sad
face. You’ve got a blessing you didn’t expect to have. You’ve got a curse you
didn’t deserve to have. Still, smile. Even smile with tears in your eyes. Even
cry with smile in your lips. You didn’t want it to happen, still it happened.
You wanted it to happen, still it didn’t happen. The world is not all about
answering your prayers; it’s all about answering your needs. Maybe you can’t
feel what feels wonderful. Maybe you can’t even make the least room for your
wonderful feelings. Maybe you’re just forced to murder your most beautiful
feelings in the most ruthless way. Still, believe, it bears a message. It
teaches you how to live, why to live, what to live for, what to live with, what
to live without, whom to live with, whom to live without, even when to die, no
matter however you feel like living or deserve to live to the fullest. Not
always living is worth-living. Still, live. Even sometimes live dying. Show the
world a thousand reasons for living when it shows you a hundred excuses for
dying. Maybe you cease to hear music in your dark days. Wait, wait with
patience to hear music woven with your dark days. I do believe there will be
sweet songs to make you remember your dark days in the loveliest way. If it
still torments, just say goodbye to this moment of today. It’s always another
day tomorrow. Make your heart believe that another sun will rise tomorrow.
Believe me, it’s a new sun that still rises. What’s the biggest truth you can
live with, live for, live by? Well, it’s: You look awesome when you smile!!
Cry, cry today only to smile better tomorrow. Believe me, you surely deserve to
smile better, if not the best! Don’t you know you look so bad when you don’t
smile? You’re beautiful, my dear friend! You’ve no right to destroy this
God-gifted beauty! Smiling is just a choice. Who told you you’re the most
unlucky person on this earth? Not always your worst teardrops prove your
saddest moments. Always keep in mind, too often the happiest faces mask the
saddest tragedies, you can never know. Find and be close to the very few people
who love you and want to see you happy. Be happy for them and make it a habit.
Never wait any longer for the hostile people to turn friendly to you. Some people
were sent to this earth only to make you unhappy, only to make you cry. Say
them goodbye forever before it’s too late. Just get rid of them. Leaving to
live is an art. Keeping people you don’t need to keep means keeping pains you
don’t need to keep. It’s your life—the greatest gift you were sent with. Live
it in your way before it ends! Happy living!!
Two.
Before you comment on my posts,
contact me on Facebook, request for anything, please do do do keep in your mind
that I’m friendly, but NOT your friend. It’s a virtual world. Only the real
world is the real world. Don’t mess up. Don’t request, don’t command. Just take
what I give. Don’t show the least interest about my personal life. You’re never
ever entitled to that. I’m what I’m. Accept it, or just stay away. I’m not here
to please you or to tolerate your judgement. Understand your limit. I’m a
friend only to my real-life friends. To others, I’m just friendly. Nothing more
than that! Due to my time constraint, I apologize to say that I usually block
without any argument. I don’t argue for 2 reasons: One. You don’t deserve it.
Two. I don’t have that time. I believe life is not a debate competition. Only
the fools spare time to win every debate. I’ve enemies, I’ve haters. I respect
them all by making myself stay away as I don’t have time to convince them about
my rightness. I know, I’m not right. I also know, you’re not right either.
You’ve the time to judge me, but I don’t have that time to judge you. Only
there lies the reason why I’m a scoundrel and you’re a saint. I love to live
and also love to let you live by blocking or by not blocking. Any request for
unblocking will surely embarrass me and disappoint you. Respect if you want to
be respected. This is the only rule I follow.
Three.
To be happy in your life, never
marry a creative person. They’re hardly marriage materials. Rather, marry a
stupid or at least, an uncreative person. One thing just as a reminder:
Creative & Educated are two different things. Usually, they don’t coincide.
If they do, it creates something masterpiece! And, do think twice before
marrying him or her. Well, if you’re creative as well, you may consider
‘risking’ that! Two creative persons usually don’t interfere in each other’s
lives.
Another observation: 90%
relationships end in either break-ups or something like ‘it’s complicated’. In
80% cases of that 90%, couples can’t even imagine, they’ll break up. They keep
doing everything and anything normal couples do till the breakup.
I’d always been ‘genuinely single’
till my 28. Reason? I think, therefore I’m single. To be in love, you must be
dumb for the time being!! Intelligence keeps you in a lover’s block forever.
Love X, marry Y, then learn to love
Y, or happen to love Z, or keep loving X. This is the rule.
(The words above might be delirious ramblings. I’ve had quite a fever for several days now; just took Azithromycin. With a 102-degree fever, I have every right to babble deliriously. Seriously though, there’s nothing to take seriously in what I’m saying.
By the way, there’s no such thing as lover’s block. This phrase is my creation. I just made it up, playing off writer’s block.)
Thought: Two hundred fifty-five.
……………………………………..
One.
: What’s the matter? Before marriage, so much talk, so many loving conversations, such sweet exchanges of words! Where has it all vanished now?
: Marriage is the end of all love.
These days I see relationships breaking like glass bangles……… over what issues? Hypocrisy. Career. Ego. Misunderstandings. Arrogance. Mistrust. Affairs. And God knows what else!
Love is becoming more fragile by the day. How easily! These bastards casually throw around ‘I love you’; forget their heart, even their throat doesn’t tremble!
I see even 7-8 year old trusted(!) relationships breaking apart!! After all these years!! It hurts so much to witness. These bastards apparently truly loved each other!! Nothing can ever be taken ‘for granted.’ Before relationships break, everyone says about their beloved, “They’re the best person I’ve ever met.” Until the relationship breaks, the boy loves all of the girl’s hypocrisy, the girl loves all of the boy’s hypocrisy. It’s infuriating!! Even a scoundrel is better than a hypocrite.
Even the most rebellious girl, who never listens to anyone in the world, listens to everything one particular boy says. That girl loves that boy.
Alas, what happens next?
Two.
# Whenever I see my friend get married and share it on Facebook, I check his bride’s photos from her profile stealthily.
If she is pretty, I forgive her.
If she is not pretty, I forgive him.
# What is marriage?
Marriage is the combined form of all the fruits of your pleasurable sins and the sighs of all those you have rejected.
# I’ve received countless love letters in my life……. Alas! All from the wrong people. The intensity of guilt from receiving true love from the wrong person equals several deaths. The pain that makes people cry the most is the pain they were never meant to receive.
# Boys are first drawn by appearance, then judge character.
Girls first judge character, then consider appearance.
That’s why I see cute little dolls wandering around with talented demons.
# By God’s will, all one-day-old children in the world and all brides at wedding ceremonies across the globe, thanks to beauty parlors—both types of beings look exactly the same—beautiful, sacred. Even the saddest girl in the world looks beautiful on her wedding day; even the girl who didn’t get the man she loved. This doesn’t mean that her inner self is in a beautiful state at that very moment.
# Nothing more—just a single moment’s loving glance can shroud you in boundless guilt for years and years, without any reason at all.
Life needs at least one such person whose smile, when remembered, makes you want to live even through the most terrible suffering.
# You will stay by my side for the rest of my life. Even when I die, you’ll stay beside me, holding my hand. Won’t you?
This is all I ask of you, I’ll never ask for anything else. Please fulfill this one wish of mine!
(I don’t know how long I’ve been crying reading this………..)
# Nothing happens anymore—neither anger nor resentment.
This is how one day I’ll just drop dead.
Such is life!
# Women are so enchanting, brother! It hurts terribly. Sometimes it takes several lifetimes just to honor a single word they speak.
# Let me give you some free advice, how about it?……….
How long has it been since your breakup? Come on! Let’s celebrate your breakup date. Yes, I really mean it!! Thank God profusely for saving you before you were completely destroyed!
(I mean, you can pay my counseling fee with just one cup of coffee.)
# The love that finds fulfillment but not culmination—such love makes a person strong.
# Who is a truthful man?
A man who never lies to anyone except his girlfriend or wife / girlfriend and wife (the same woman or different women).
# Women are so strange. They can recognize men very easily, yet they can never recognize themselves. Men are so helpless. They can never understand women, and they don’t understand themselves either. Women tell them, you are like this, you are like that. They simply believe it, act accordingly. People take exams and get certificates, but men get certificates and then take exams.
Thought: Two hundred fifty-six.
……………………………………..
One.
One of the 5 most important lessons
life has taught me:
No one on this earth really cares
about your pains & sufferings. So, don’t share, NEVER. Just keep them
hidden in your heart, ALWAYS. Your pains have unbelievable power. If shared,
you will lose that power.
(The other 4? ………….. Coming……………… Keep your eyes
on my wall of thoughts!)
Two.
Tell me, why does your grandfather live in Vrindavan?
Grandfather suddenly developed a kind of renunciation toward worldly life. That’s when he decided to live there.
Why there?
To be close to God.
Who gave him the brilliant idea that God lives in Vrindavan?
You be quiet! He’s living by his beliefs. What’s your problem?
What a devil you are!
Cool idea!
I too have plans to renounce domestic life after marriage.
What do you mean? Where will you go?
Las Vegas.
What’s that supposed to be?
The great pilgrimage site where the individual soul merges with the universal soul!
Seriously?
Yes, throughout the ages many domestic renunciants have become Vegas-dwellers.
No! You can’t leave me and go anywhere! I’ll tie you down and keep you here!
Why? Don’t you want me to attain supreme knowledge like your grandfather?
No, I’ll never let you go to India in this lifetime. Stay in Bangladesh and attain whatever you want!
(By now Arindam understood with sorrow that the near future would be endlessly miserable.)
Three.
There are two kinds of suffering children in this world:
One. The daughter of a mother (in some cases,
father) burdened by having a daughter.
Two. The son of a mother (in some cases,
father) burdened by having a son.
Both kinds of children try to maintain a safe distance; over the phone,
and in person.
Generally, both kinds of mothers (in some cases,
fathers) possess the infinite talent of liking virtually any boy or girl as a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Their life’s sole purpose:
not to become a doctor, not to become a teacher,
but to arrange marriages, at any cost. They too were married
‘at any cost,’
so for them marrying off children ‘at any cost’ is life’s supreme and
ultimate fulfillment. After a certain point, parents no longer want sons,
they want daughters-in-law;
and they don’t want daughters,
they want sons-in-law. They constantly burden their children with the responsibility of fulfilling their expectations, emotionally blackmailing them at every moment when necessary, because they are parents. This kind of selfishness among Bengali parents is centuries old—was there, is there,
will remain.
Four.
Show interest in someone else’s personal matters to exactly the same degree
that they show interest in your personal matters. Acting beyond your authority by thinking of someone as ‘your own’
is the work of idiots. Stay exactly where
you’re supposed to stay. When you don’t even have the kind of relationship with someone that allows you to stand on their drawing room carpet and chat, what sense does it make to desire intimate conversations sitting on their bedroom bed?
Not understanding this means you are either a tiresome oaf without a sense of proportion, or simply a worthless idler.
Five.
Still, sometimes you’ve to decide to
live your life up to others’ expectations but for whom your life would have
been simply meaningless.
Expect to kill.
Don’t expect to let live.
Now, the choice is yours.
Thought: Two hundred and fifty-seven.
……………………………………..
One.
Penname Parashuram!
May the vermillion of the parting remain eternal!… That’s what they say, isn’t it?
But looking at certain memsahibs, one feels like saying in the manner of Rajshekhar Basu: May the lipstick remain eternal.
(Mujtaba Ali himself praised this line.)
Two.
Everything was in the hands of the corrupt, is, and will be.
In this country there are two ways to survive: either become corrupt yourself, or don’t obstruct corruption.
I follow the second path. I benefit from the system, therefore I am opportunistic. Staying alive matters more than becoming immortal.
In every country, in every age, Voltaire remains right:
It is dangerous to be right when the
government is wrong.
He was right, is right, will remain right.
A hundred years from today, we’ll have plenty of money in our pockets, our buildings will touch the sky, the wheels of industry will turn much, much faster.
But even a hundred years from now, our mentality won’t change. We were inhuman, we are, we will remain so.
Developing one’s mentality is far more crucial than becoming educated. We don’t want educated and talented people with rotten mentalities.
Only those who lose their loved ones truly lose. No one else loses anything, nor does anything particularly come to anyone else.
The lifespan of grieving for another’s sorrow lasts at most until the next Facebook post.
We let the living become dead, so that we can participate in their funeral and pray for the peace of their departed souls.
Those who are dead won’t return. For those who won’t return, how much time can one waste thinking and brooding! We are the ‘there’s no point mourning the past’ people! Bravo, bravo!
I’m doing quite well. Why isn’t he doing well—what’s that to me? Why couldn’t he learn the trick of keeping himself well? I’m doing fine!
Yes, movements do happen in this country to resist injustice. The leaders of such movements are certain hypocrites who possess not one mask, not two, but many.
In this country, hypocrites never die. What die are either the saints or the devils.
I can’t write anymore. I’m disgusted with myself!!
None of us are worthy of reverence. We are all despicable, abhorrent, sinful.
Three.
“Bollywood actress Bipasha spreads heat in bikini at the beach………”
What heat could Bipasha possibly spread?
This too is news!?
Someone who’s practically naked all the time—what heat could she spread in a bikini?
Such news irritates me!
Then I thought, no, it’s actually fine! Bipasha should have come to the beach fully nude, but she forgot and put on something like a bikini—such a loose robe—that’s why it became news!
So then, it’s perfectly fine!
Hail the online news portals, hail!
My mood is cool now!
From within my mind, duality hisses forth……hey, whether Bipasha wears a bikini or stays naked, what’s it to you?
: Strange! What did I do anyway? Did I buy Bipasha a burqa or something!
Four.
The core person within a human being never really changes—sometimes mostly, sometimes entirely remaining the same. Due to life’s necessities or unnecessities, however much external change we see depends on how well one can perform the act of transformation. At particular moments, the true form emerges precisely as it is.
Five.
October 5th. A day that’s simultaneously pleasant and unpleasant.
The unpleasantness is because last year on this day, a piece I had been writing for nearly a month and a half was accidentally deleted. I was deeply hurt, tremendously hurt. Writing is tremendously difficult. When the fruit of such labor is carelessly destroyed, it’s not easy to accept.
The pleasantness is because………on this very day I first called her on my own initiative and talked for a long time. She was wonderfully happy about it. I remember what I said. Hahaha………
I didn’t actually make that call casually. She had once told me about the pain of having her writing deleted. After my piece got deleted, I remembered her words. I kept messaging her repeatedly on Facebook. She wasn’t online. When the phone wouldn’t connect, I thought she must have blocked me! Just so she would never block me, I spent all that time talking with her! I don’t love her, yet I won’t let her slip away either! Hahaha…….
Reflection: Two hundred fifty-eight.
……………………………………..
Human life is so terribly brief! There’s barely time to love people properly—where’s the time for pretense, tell me!
Why do people get caught up in pointless greed, envy,
pride, and jealousy! I want to find
someone free of all this!
Is that possible?
What news of myself should I tell you,
Earth? You’ve grown too old to hear my stories!
Still, perhaps I can share the news in which you appear.
Though I can’t tell everything—
at most, maybe 10%
can be spoken!
I was humiliated when I called on your last birthday. This time too, I wanted to speak shamelessly but couldn’t;
you simply wouldn’t let me speak.
Why would one want to talk
to someone who doesn’t want to talk?
One shouldn’t. Then why did it hurt me so much?
Whenever I suffer pointlessly, I deliberately put myself through even more suffering. So,
to hurt myself further, I denied myself any conversation with you for your entire birth month,
inflicting even greater agony!
Forgetting everything,
I still called that day.
You wrote back:
Please don’t call!
You can become hard so easily!
Alas, the pain, even more… another life spent courting suffering!
Someone who dislikes me so intensely, who finds me so irritating,
to whom I am so insignificant, so negligible… perhaps you even despise me—for such a person, the pure feelings within my heart mock me daily!
Earth, if you ever feel like spending a few seconds on me,
please calculate this for me…
Known to you,
unknown to me—
however much you scorn me, however trivial you find me,
whether I truly deserve exactly that much
contempt!
Whatever you wish, you can certainly do!
I have nothing to say,
Ear…
Nothing else—I only wanted to know the reason.
I’ll stop now. If you really started explaining reasons, there’d be no end. Better to stop here.
I wish you the very best.
(“Why would I hate you?
You imagine everything yourself.”
Don’t you dare say exactly that same thing!
Or I’ll really sink my teeth in! Such permanent marks will remain… they just won’t fade! Then you’ll have to keep explaining yourself… hmm!)
Now, tell me the real thing… has your fever gone down? When you’re unwell, those ghostly powers possess you again, and you sit on Facebook until dawn!
Do you still do that?
Hehe
High fever for more than a week—this is truly terrible. I don’t know if you’ve seen a doctor. Please see one, Pri… There’s no point in my saying anything, you never listen to anything I say; let those whose words you heed, someone among them, tell you forcefully… if necessary, let them even scold you! Still, you must stay well.
I may be outside your world… my suffering may seem utterly trivial to you… but surely the suffering of those close to you, your loved ones, matters greatly! Don’t you understand this? Is living only for oneself? Even if you don’t tell them you’re unwell, it causes them pain; believe me, they understand everything perfectly. Shouldn’t you stay well for their sake, at least? Hmm? They love you, after all!
Pri, has the fever subsided? If the fever hasn’t come down, and you haven’t seen a doctor, then please see one immediately.
During illness, don’t you feel an intense urge to hold your beloved close and keep them there? I certainly do!
Then it seems as though if that person, complete in their tenderness, could merge with your heart, all the pain of body and mind would flee in an instant…
Does it really go away? No, it doesn’t; but one feels as if it has departed! That’s how it should be, isn’t it? Let the body burn to ash with fierce fever; but if I don’t feel it—that’s what’s good. Again, see how the body isn’t that unwell, yet I feel terribly bad—this is truly the frightening thing!
Good or bad—both are matters of feeling—whatever the actual facts may be, if one feels good, everything is good!
Listen, you have no constraints… why don’t you call your beloved (“But who is truly beloved… whom shall I abandon to call whom?”)
…giving the finger to the mercury’s height in the thermometer, stay very well… just try calling… if you call, surely they will come!
Taking care of you surely won’t seem like madness to them!
Don’t neglect your illness, Prithibi. Stay well…
Thought: Two hundred sixty-one.
……………………………………..
One.
Listen, in this picture, if I were to go and stand beside you, would I look very out of place?
Whether I look out of place or perfectly fitting, I’m past the age of caring about such things!
I want to stand to your left, or slip into that empty space there between your right hand! I’m slim enough, I’d fit in that little space!
You wouldn’t take me, would you! I understand, I understand!
Let me speak the truth. I know you would take me. You really would. You fell in love with me unconsciously long ago, and now you love me completely.
One has to stay happy by imagining so many things like this! If only you knew even a little of this!
Two.
When anguish won’t let me sleep,
I stay awake all night.
Nightmares come one by one,
creating all sorts of issues!
Then duality offers comfort……
Listen, all those dreams and whatnot are nothing,
sleep isn’t coming,
only scattered thoughts are arriving,
you know why?
Move the mosquito net,
get out of bed, go to the bathroom……
Actually, you know what? You need to piss!
Ah! In winter, afraid of cold water,
I hold back a little,
true; but still,
you scoundrel duality, you’ll turn inner torment into nothing but piss!
What kind of nonsense is this? Hahaha!
But sometimes, truly……sleep doesn’t come precisely because of holding back the urge to piss!
Three.
Listen, when I tell everyone
‘I’ll bite your belly’ ‘I’ll bite your belly’
can you actually bite someone’s belly!
Yikes, wouldn’t that tickle?
Besides, the belly is a flat surface,
so how would I bite it?
For this you need a b-i-i-ig
pot belly! Hmmmm!
Nooooo……big
no, lots of tiny little pot bellies…….like breasts!
Only then could you bite them properly! Hihihihi
Four.
Those who only want to be poets, at the end of their lives they starve,
they beg,
they live without medical care,
father always says. Father gives the example of Jibanananda’s poverty. So father says, first you must study. He also says that those who write poetry and such things are apparently mental!
Father doesn’t like poetry-writing at all!
I get very, very, very angry with father!
Still, I want to fulfill father’s dreams first. Father loves me very much. But father doesn’t understand me. I love father very much too. I don’t understand father either. There’s no rule that to love someone you must understand them. You can love incomprehensible or enigmatic people too.
What I want to become,
what I want to do, first it’s for father, so that father can be proud of me again—that’s why I want to become it.
I’ve never been able to give anyone anything!
Whenever this occurs to me, I feel terrible pain.
I desperately want to
give everyone so many things,
but I have nothing to give anyone.
I only feel pain. When I go out on the street, seeing helpless people hurts. I feel like they’re all mine. I would have been happy if I could do something for them. But I can’t do anything for anyone,
because I haven’t been able to do anything for myself yet.
When I go to the park, I feel terrible for the little children
who say,
I want peanuts!
When I call them over and seat them close, my friends scold me, call me mad.
But I feel they are somehow mine!
Why do I alone suffer? No one else seems to feel any pain!
I long so much
to take them to a restaurant…
Alas…
So many other things I wish I could do!
I have never been able to do anything for anyone!
When will I be able to?
Five.
No! I will not offer any New Year’s greetings. I never want the year of someone I love to begin with good wishes from someone despised!
Because you never revealed yourself to me, you no longer recognize me at all.
I know,
this is my limitation—I can never express my feelings. Everything inside my heart remains locked within.
In the prayers of beloved souls, in their good wishes, in their love,
may the new year pass beautifully for everyone… even while bearing their sorrows; because
no one is free from suffering!
To be alive means suffering exists!
One wish throughout the year—just tell me once,
why do you dislike me so much, ignore me,
despise and hate me so?
Your hatred doesn’t pain me. But this hatred silences me again and again, and that causes me tremendous anguish.
And what hurts most is that,
being a despised person,
I remain with you continuously—
meaning, I cannot bear to be apart.
Why do you cause me such pain… hmm?
You still don’t know me at all! I’ll completely crush you, I will!