Thought: Sixty-four.
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Some questions—truly, only in the questioning lies beauty. And some answers—where questions need never exist. What matters is remaining beautiful, that beauty—what difference does it make whether it’s question or answer? Some questions become terribly ugly when answered. Some answers arrive unbidden, without any question asked. Does a son without a father have no worth? Does a father without a son have no right to fatherhood?
Some loves give birth to questions. No answers come.
Some loves provide answers. No questions exist there.
From some questions, love arrives with ease.
Some answers spiral and spiral until they find their rest in love.
Love—we all want it, truly want it; whether we admit it or not, we want it.
This love—if we don’t get it, trouble; if we do get it, even greater trouble—and if we keep swinging between having and not having, then in the anxiety of why trouble isn’t coming, even sleep becomes more foreign than our most trusted friend. Waiting for trouble is more terrible than trouble itself.
Someone crying “I love, I love” day and night, making time restless with just that one love—such love, perhaps many of us don’t want.
And again—
Someone holding a chestful of love—choking on it, ready to die of suffocation if need be—yet unable to say “I love”—we don’t want that either.
Perhaps we want the love of those who know—
What* to love…..
How to love…….
How much good to harbor……
How much love to hold within before saying “I love”….
Or—remaining silent…..
How much to keep hidden—for the very sake of revelation…..
Where to begin…….
Where to pause…….for how long—to live.
And where to stop completely—that too, for the sake of living!
How much to reveal—when, where, how…….even sometimes—why.
How much to suppress within—forever……no matter the pain. If that pain emerges, it destroys everything, murders it all.
And they also know—
How to express…….
When to express…….
……..not in words, but through deeds, in the manner of feeling, in the language of eyes, in the riches of the heart.
The better one knows this calculus, the better one can manage it, the better one shows it—perhaps we love them that much more….
(Does it happen otherwise? Of course it must! Differences can exist….isn’t that so?)
*What: its vastness, characteristics, and the variations between people are far too great…..impossible to explain in any way……the mind’s smallness or expansiveness—both are beyond explanation, hidden; therefore, surely mysterious.
Thought: Sixty-five.
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One who is easily deceived with a smile, or doesn’t even realize they’re being cheated…
What victory is there against such a person?
Is there any joy in winning such a bland game? A defeat earned through struggle is far more honorable than such effortless victory.
Beauty that remains indifferent to its own existence—
what gain is there in being swept away by such beauty!
A diamond that sells itself at the price of stone—
better than such a diamond is rusted iron that knows its worth—how precious, how alluring!
A ravishing beauty who can be taken to bed with just a glance, or for some paper money—
rather than a thousand unions with such a one—
nothing more than the intense gaze of one rare woman’s fleeting glance can give so much more… not everyone discovers this; of course, not everyone seeks it either! The pleasure of that look is no less than the pleasure of union; sometimes it drives one completely mad with rapture.
Many precious things in this world are cheaper than the cheap.
And again, many cheap things have no price worthy enough in this world to determine their value!
Price—this matter is the most confusing thing in the world… does anything truly have a price at all? Need, habit, desire, or capacity makes something appear worthless or priceless. So many things that masquerade as utterly worthless cannot be bought even by selling all of life’s savings.
Reflection: Sixty-six.
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What is life?
Waking up each morning and finding oneself alive—that is life.
We keep learning to complicate this simple accounting in so many ways. We’ve grown accustomed to living simply within that complexity. Keeping life distant from life, we spend our days and nights yearning for life from life, dying of longing.
In this world, those with the most envy and pride are the most miserable… so it seems to me.
The arrogant belittle others in the pride of their own goodness. This sense of others’ insignificance never gives the arrogant mind peace… their minds remain forever restless, absorbed in self-satisfaction and self-love within impregnable fortresses of their own imagination. Those who think the whole world beneath their feet actually have no ground beneath them. They gradually sink into bottomless abysses. The arrogant forget that what they take pride in—its existence or non-existence matters to no one. When I alone am the complete beneficiary of my wealth, then belittling others in the pride of that wealth—what is it but my foolishness and lack of wisdom?
On the other hand, envious people cannot bear others’ good fortune, so they burn in terrible anguish from jealousy… this torment never lets them be well… the blazing flames of envy burn the envious themselves. To envy another means I lack something that another possesses, I desperately want it, but due to my lesser merit compared to others, I cannot obtain it. Constant envy weakens and demoralizes a person. The more envious one is, the greater their inclination to harm others. The envious cannot achieve anything themselves, so they find a kind of sick satisfaction in striking those who can. Unconsciously, the envious mind becomes bound in chains of servitude. Far from surpassing the object of their envy, they cannot even conceive of or aspire to becoming their equal.
So then, what is the point of this envy and pride? Both these impulses work through the mind—if that very mind remains neither well nor healthy, why live bearing their burden?
If one can love people, stand by them with tenderness, master the art of rejoicing in their good fortune, feel sorrow at their misfortune—this brings peace to the human heart, makes one truly happy.
What keeps others in pain, torment, and unrest—what sense is there in gleefully doing such things and keeping oneself wretched? What gain is there in lowering oneself for momentary pleasure and leaving another’s heart wounded? When one realizes this later, one must needlessly indulge certain sorrows. Oh, how delighted sorrows are when they can survive and thrive!
Does a person not understand even a little what is good for them? Happiness is mental, after all. So, even for the sake of keeping oneself well, one could practice shaking off both pride and envy from the mind and living free.
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All our selfishness is merely the performance of staying well by hurting others. The moment that performance begins to fade, a tremendous inner burning starts that gradually destroys us.
When will we be able to become truly selfish?
Reflection: Sixty-seven.
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By distance, fifty taka for the rickshaw fare is quite right, but still, searching a little, I find someone willing to go for forty taka with a smile.
Pushing against the wind, the rickshaw speeds along… the driver sweats from pedaling—the sweat dries……
Mine dries when we reach the destination, when I place fifty taka in the rickshaw driver’s hand and say—”Keep it all”……. Thinking the fare itself is a bonus, he smiles with satisfaction…..
Gaining profit (bringing joy to another) without loss, I too smile a broad smile.
Everything that should be there is there… yet two people, in two ways, carry some extra delight in their heart’s basket as they go their separate paths……… No extra expense, yet quite a good return!
When I write……. Oh, how much I learn! “I am great!”—you think.
I think, this feeling of joy—without it, who would write?
Such infinitely painful work—who would do it without love? Writing has very little relation to greatness.
I write for myself, not for you—and you think the opposite.
Writing is terribly painful; those who stay well without writing don’t commit the foolishness of carrying that pain on their shoulders through life. What they do sometimes is place orders……… write this, write that. Orders produce jobs, not writing. This is why writers are not servants—alas! In formal fashion, the poor servant became an employee, but there are no writers in that weighty group. Who will explain?
I am so very happy writing!
Happy in your happiness too,
What I write is not worth throwing away, not at all—this too is a joy.
You are kindly giving your precious time to read my writing—how is this anything less than a gift?
The gain is entirely mine!
You think I write—that this is my virtue. But I understand it’s nothing more than pure selfishness. A crown that isn’t mine is always, to me, unbearably heavy. Please don’t put it on me! If you do—its weight will surely break my neck! Certainly, certainly!
I write to feel well……… lately, I feel well when I write too. Both are just selfishness, aren’t they? Managing loss to survive on profit! Ah, ah!
Thought: Sixty-eight.
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Ring ring!!
Hello…….
Hello, is this Tori Courier Service?
Yes. Go ahead.
Brother, I have a question…….
Yes yes, go ahead…….I’m listening.
Tell me, do you folks play football with all your clients’ stuff every day!? Or maybe catch?
Whaaaaaaat…….??? (shouting)
(I repeated—the same question.)
What!? What are you trying to say?? Speak clearly.
Look brother, what I’m saying is—when you send rice through your courier, it arrives as bread at the destination…! When you send bread…….
(He didn’t let me finish, cut me off…..) Whaaaaaaat……?? What are you saying? Who are you? What exactly do you want to say?
Brother, don’t you get it? Whatever I send through your courier—everything arrives at its destination broken into several pieces……is yours a courier service? Or a blender?
Why? What’s the problem? Why are you talking like this?
Listen, I’ll tell you. A little child cries once a day because his father is away for a while……..I sent a toy to cheer him up…….now seeing that broken toy—he cries twice a day…..! With just one of your services the child’s crying went from one to two! Shortcut promotion. While crying, the child flies a helicopter with one hand and the helicopter’s rotor with the other. Now do you understand?
Oh I see, I understand sir……..actually our……. blah blah blah……..
Brother, you run a courier service, then say—don’t send fragile items—this doesn’t work…….should we then carry fragile things on our heads and run to deliver them?………..Either have mercy on us! Or have mercy on yourselves!…….Another time, I sent a statue to my friend. And you folks, being clever, hung the statue’s head with the statue’s legs before sending it. I sent Rabindranath, it arrived as a vampire! What does all this mean? Are you having fun? Try paying attention to your service.
We’ll try sir!……blah blah blah……..
Thank you.
Thank you……..click…..!
Thought: Sixty-nine.
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A healthy mindset, or an unhealthy one—neither depends on which educational institution one is a student or alumnus of, what social or economic position one holds, or what profession one pursues. I have known many uneducated, semi-educated, or barely educated people with truly wonderful mindsets, while I have also encountered many who graduated from the highest domestic or foreign institutions yet possess utterly base mentalities. Far from associating with them, even thinking about them offends one’s sensibilities. Envy, arrogance, malice (the desire to harm others), slander, and various other vile tendencies—these grow in proportion to the weight of their certificates. If there were provisions for testing mentality during job recruitment, I can say with certainty that many degree-holding, talented individuals would never get hired. There is no intimate relationship between intellect and mentality. In any job, a person of sound mentality with modest talent can serve the institution and its beneficiaries far better than a brilliant person with a sick mentality. One essentially needs a certificate to sit for job examinations. A person with an unhealthy, wretched mentality wants everyone around them to possess the same mental constitution as their own. If such a person holds a high position in an institution, they cannot tolerate the mental cleanliness of their subordinate officers and employees, and constantly engage in various forms of exploitation and oppression. They create conditions that force their subordinates to adopt a lower mentality to function. A pig wants everyone around it to dwell in filth alongside it, and if necessary, it won’t hesitate to drag everyone down to its level by the ankles. Mental cleanliness has virtually no relationship with institutional education. A base mentality keeps a person perpetually insecure in their own world of thoughts, rendering them without judgment and making them aggressive. Aggression is, in fact, the external manifestation of an inferiority complex. Those who cannot think beautifully make everyone who can think beautifully their sworn enemies in their hearts. Enemies of what tribe?—the tribe of those with wretched thoughts. They are short in intellect, numerous in count, weak in strength—so by constantly trailing behind strong people, they prove their position is behind, meaning they are clearly some backward, wretched folk. The destiny of wretched people is to live wretchedly and die wretchedly.
Reflection: Seventy.
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That ‘wanting’ is such torment—
What a person wants, yet also doesn’t want.
Why they want it—
That, they know yet don’t know.
Why they don’t want it—
That too, they know yet don’t know.
Because of this knowing or not knowing, their sorrow is as much as their sense of sorrow itself. They don’t even realize how extensively the boundaries of their sorrow stretch. When they do realize, it’s already too late. Then there’s nothing much left to be done.
There’s really no such thing as “should want” or “shouldn’t want.” What exists is simply—I want, or I don’t want.
I desired and so I received, I desired yet received nothing…….or, I desired nothing and so received nothing, I desired nothing yet received everything—all of this is the sort of thing that humans, finding nothing else comes to mind, find comfortable to bring to mind. The entire affair reveals an attempt to escape and survive.
The real truth is this—what a human is meant to receive, they receive naturally; excessive effort, moderate effort, minimal effort, even the absence of effort—all these merely pave the way to receiving it. And what is not meant to be received slips away just so, even when it comes within arm’s reach.
………… Though yes, one does sometimes encounter travelers on other paths.
The nature of human desire does not keep such perfect time with the nature of human receiving and not-receiving. The relationship between desire and attainment has always been muddled.
Which direction a person’s desire-kite flies, the person believes they know for certain; but in reality, humans provide that certainty by understanding the pattern of wind’s movement and the kite’s construction. The kite, however, flies exactly where it is meant to fly.
Whether certainty or uncertainty—both feelings are born from human preferences, preconceptions, capabilities, and experience.
Humans know for certain only this—
Two desires—of opposite poles; those that from two directions violently pull and tear apart the self at every moment……. life gradually closes off all the paths by which one might stabilize oneself in either of these and somehow keep life going. In such ceaseless helplessness does humanity live.