The Plaster of Thought-Walls: 147

Reflection: One Thousand and Twenty-Three
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One. Never harbor this grief in life—that no one takes beautiful pictures of you. It could well be that you truly are unsightly to behold.

Steel your mind. Believe that the mirror bears no fault.

Two. A lion succeeds in capturing prey only once out of every four attempts. That is, its failure rate is seventy-five percent.

On the other hand, a goat succeeds in eating grass and leaves on its first try. That is, its failure rate is zero percent.

I succeeded in getting the job on my first attempt. So you're all following a goat.

Three. Even the good intentions of a fool are foolish acts.

Four. I am moving light-years away from you. Just as I thought I'd stopped dwelling on you, how strange—when I turned to look back, I see my entire life still stuck around you like a fly's fossil trapped in amber!

Five. Let me teach you a simple wisdom. Train your child to sit before books. No need to read anything—just let them sit at the table with books and notebooks before them. Let them read, write, draw whatever they wish, or even just flip through books without reading, just gazing at them; but except for bathroom breaks, they must remain seated at the table. Let them learn to sit at the table, learn to be with books. Simply cultivate this habit. It may take time, but persist in this endeavor. Once the habit of confining oneself to the table is formed, there's no more worry—everything else will follow naturally. You need only ensure that your child sits at the table with books for a substantial portion of each day (with no electronic devices within reach). The matter of actual studying can be addressed later—first teach them to sit at the table.

This humble wretch has written a piece: "The Mind Won't Settle at the Study Table." I'll share it in the comments. Read it, apply it to yourself and your loved ones. (Following the guidance in that piece will absolutely work—I guarantee it one hundred percent.)

Six. The more you dwell on what you've done for whom and what little you received in return, the deeper you'll sink. You did it because you found joy in it, didn't you? Had you not, you wouldn't have done it, right? You might say it was your compassionate nature. So why has that same nature now turned calculating? What you were to receive, you've already received. What's all this fuss now! Keeping expectations will be your death! Do what you must, then forget it completely. You'll see—life isn't going so badly after all.

Seven. Do everything that makes you outwardly unattractive to have everything that makes you outwardly and inwardly attractive.

Eight. People pray for you according to their intentions, and those prayers benefit your life according to your own intentions.

When intention is right, all is right.
By the force of intention, destiny turns.

Nine. Going to the beloved, one remembers the more beloved.
Going to the more beloved, one remembers the most beloved.
Going to the most beloved, one remembers oneself.

Ten. When someone struggles just to afford lentils with rice, if they spend their few coins on mutton biryani the moment they get some money, the day is not far when they'll struggle even to afford rice. And he deserves it!

Having money for twenty plates of mutton in your pocket yet eating potato curry is called miserliness.
Having money for seven plates of mutton yet eating potato curry is called prudence.
Having money for only two plates of mutton yet refusing to eat potato curry is called foolishness.
...And having money for two hundred plates of mutton yet still eating potato curry is called pettiness.

One must understand the difference between mutton's potato and curry's potato.

There's no point in blaming fate when you fail to understand.

Eleven. When the person you're fond of suddenly stops caring or reduces their care, you can neither hold onto patience nor bear it. This is precisely why one should never make someone a hobby; let hobby animals exist, let hobby things exist, but let there be no hobby people.

Twelve. "Sir, one thing you said has been tremendously useful in my life. I wrote those words on a piece of paper and stuck it on the wall in front of my study desk. You had said, 'Whether you like it or not, the work that needs to be done—you must stick to it, even if it means going against your heart's wishes.' I've done just that, nothing else. And by doing that, I got this modest job. Sir, please let me pay the tea bill."

Hearing this truly lifted my spirits. (Note: the reason for my lifted spirits was not 'saving money.')

Thirteen. Better to fall into sorrow through your own wisdom than to regret through someone else's intelligence.

Fourteen. "How am I doing"... this is a question I ask myself too.

What answer shall I give!

Fifteen. "I'm terribly hungry. Please tell me to eat. If I don't eat something right now, I'll surely die. But if you don't tell me to eat, I truly won't eat!"

(Have you ever witnessed such love with your own eyes?)

Sixteen. All this time it felt good to think that my father is a lawyer, and my beloved Swami Vivekananda's father was also a lawyer. A little while ago I discovered that my favorite cricketer Virat Kohli's father was also a lawyer.

Please don't take offense at my words; I know none of this matters. Yet somehow, hearing Kohli's interview made me feel wonderful. Despite his marrying my crush Anushka Sharma, I find the man absolutely delightful—his style, attitude, hard work, dedication, performance... everything appeals to me. That fondness increased even more today.

We are human, after all, so when something about ourselves matches with someone we admire, it feels tremendously good. Like when I learned that Uttam Kumar's height was 5'11", I felt pleased. Later I discovered that Bangabandhu's height was the same! How happy that made me!

Such coincidences feel good. Not that matching makes something grand happen. I can never reach their heights, yet it brings joy to think that something about me resembles them—ah!


Thought: One Thousand Twenty-Four
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One. When you're angry, some people seem terribly precious, while others seem like complete fools.

Two. With my broken heart, thin body, trivial knowledge, and my very self
I surrender to you each time.

Whatever immaturity I possess, I offer as oblation in your name.

Do you accept it, beloved? Do you perceive it?

Even if you don't. The sprout that breaks through soil, loving the sun, and
after a time merges back into the earth—
how much notice does the sun take of it, tell me?

The vast ocean too keeps its heart open, loving the sky, yet where do sky and sea meet! Still, does the ocean dry up in wounded pride?

Three. Your illness torments me like a mother...

Four. You may well have some other conclusion about me; I respect your opinion, but I won't abide by it.
You may well want my conclusion about you; I respect your desire, but I don't have that much time on my hands.

Five. Our lives are made of time, just as our bodies are made of flesh. When we give someone our time, we essentially cut flesh from our own body and give it to them. When that person later harms us or speaks badly about us, it naturally hurts terribly. So be very careful about giving people your time.

Most people simply cannot grasp the value of their own time, or that of others. This is why the best course is to invest time in bettering oneself. If you absolutely must give your time to someone, give it to those you cherish, those to whom giving time brings you joy. When a person gives time to someone they love, they are truly giving time to themselves. Physical and mental exhaustion are both precious things; it's better not to exhaust yourself for worthless people.

The most repulsive people in the world are those who accomplish nothing.

Six. We are strangely peculiar. We want people to behave according to our wishes. Yet it's not as if we share bonds of love or deep friendship with them. Nothing exists here. The person I want to bend to my will—do I myself bend to theirs? This simply doesn't happen. Wanting to mold others to our desires is a wretched habit. When someone repeatedly tries to manipulate me to their liking—even someone I don't even know—I find myself laughing inwardly. This futile expectation has kept us in suffering for far too long. Let people be as they are! Don't like someone? Then don't even step in their shadow! Why make yourself pointlessly wretched in their presence? So much work awaits your attention, doesn't it?

Seven. Some marry for joy, others choose not to marry for the sake of joy. In time, both camps realize that marriage has no connection to happiness whatsoever. The essential matter isn't marriage—it's the person. If someone can live authentically even after marriage, they will remain content. Conversely, if someone cannot live authentically without marriage, they will eventually think, perhaps I should have married after all.

Eight. What pains me most about my life:
You never wanted to understand me.
And my other great anguish:
Whatever time you gave me,
you spent it all misunderstanding me.

Perhaps this was what I deserved.

I pray you find your own way to happiness.

Nine. With no friends but yourself,
no enemies but your tongue.

Ten. Sometimes, I feel suffocated when I cannot hear your voice. During those moments, I become overwhelmed and harm myself in an attempt to forget your memories. I end up feeling more unwanted and insignificant to you. Meanwhile, you remain as indifferent as ever, as if I mean nothing to you.

Eleven. Everything can be endured, but the slacking of a good student cannot be tolerated.

Twelve. I love sorrow;
its vast body fills my being—
I have never seen happiness, so
I remain ignorant about it.

In life's ledger of victories and defeats
I have witnessed sorrow. In union, separation, death and great death...
I have conquered sorrow.

Thirteen. The melody that plays within,
how deep its modulations...
it chills the heart!

Rain falls outside, I cannot see it.
I hear the sound of water, not of rain.

It feels like a waterfall cascading.
An imagined waterfall, down a mountainside. Wild trees and bird calls.
...I can hear all this.

How exquisite!


Thought: One Thousand Twenty-Five
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One. You are just as frail as I am.
You are a sucker for loving words... You weaponize your sensual appeal to me... And I?
I do the magical dance of words with what you call the truth.
You were a simulation, after all.
Two. Please use me as a toilet tissue paper at the very first date... Not afterwards.
Not… After a few months... After a few nights...
The game is ON. You think I only love? I loathe too. And, I loathe you.
Three. This is my destiny.

Yet I possess the power to transform my destiny.

Four. Everyone loves.

Then, everyone marries.

…Two very distinct things in everyone's life.

Five. You are wrong about your epitaph... You have done wrong to me.

And, I count. I count as a human being.

Either hate or love… Don't be in grey... You can be grey though.

Six. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? My ass!! What doesn't kill you can fuck you up so bad that you can be fucked up your whole life for that!

Seven. Just a meatbag with hundreds of hours of practiced literature.

Not a poet!

You create poetry but you don't have the heart of a poet!

Dear Scorpio… They are all right about you!

Eight. I have dealt with shit but you are a flower that smells like shit. Feels like shit. From distance, I saw the flower but from closeness, I dealt with the shit.

You don't want me... Oh… you say… You love me just in your heart... What a turn off!

This ego... I kept chasing you for my ego. Now, I have killed my ego. What have you got more, my life?

Nine. I have left the drag of an eight-year relationship. I have lost a six-year dreamy relationship. Now, you think you can kill me? I have already died, motherfucker... You can't scare me anymore!

Ten. All my life I have feared only one thing... I don't wanna be unremarkable.

Eleven. I'll have a studio apartment... just two rooms. I'll sleep in one room and read books swaying in a rocking chair. And the other room?

That will be my soul's music station, my own music studio, piano, keyboard and mic, sound system and loop pedal... that's all!

This alone will keep me alive for a while longer now. Oh yes, I'll have a tiny mini-fridge in that sleeping room, keep lots of apples in the fridge.

Twelve. I have long found my calling... But I am finally going to make a call now. I was born to be a musician.

All I want is to travel the world with someone who won't want me to cook for him, bear his child in my belly, let me sing my heart out.

No matter how badly I wanna run to you... I visualize the second I reach you, you will pass by me in fear, shame and societal madness. Yeah, your cowardice repels me even in my imagination.

So, that helps.

Thirteen. I would never succumb to poverty. I will always remain a princess with good looks, snobbish tastes and sensuality in my persona even if I have an empty stomach.

Fourteen. A morning kiss... can never go amiss.

Fifteen. Why am I so rude to mom? Although she is the only person I feel I love now, I don't wanna talk to her with an open mind. I remain at a distance from her. Why can't I just be loving with her?

Why do you insult me? Only your good behaviour can help my mom.

Sixteen. I wish you burnt every second of the days gone by without me.

Seventeen.

I reject the ocean of yours as it's dark deep down and I can't swim within or without.
You can overcompensate for this unrequited love but you can never compensate for what you have lost.
Eighteen. You can run from the world if they cause you suffering, but where do you go if your family is the suffering?
Nineteen. And, about ladies… After marriage, they treat you like a nuisance to their busy family life, never widening their arms to you when you need a tight hug. But expect you to be there at their kids' birthday, always like their stupid family photos on Facebook and gossip about their sarees and jewelry. I am sorry, ladies, you are terrible friends.
Twenty. Why do you guys support those who talk disrespectfully of women?
Twenty-one. If you fail to woo her, she has got an attitude? A strong man can handle a strong woman.
Twenty-two. We say, don't trust a gossip girl with your secrets. l say, don't trust a secretive person with your secrets. You don't know how he is using your secrets.
Twenty-three. The ill-tempered father now seeks some good-tempered daughters to cater to his shouting. But the girls have grown to be voluptuous enough to leave his house and woo some courteers to pay their bills.
Twenty-four. I will write... I will write the hell out of you... You, your frailty... all are vulnerable to my writing... You know I am a better writer... I just wasn't free from you...
But now...
Twenty-five. If boys think they can confuse girls, I will confuse those motherfuckers!
Twenty-six. It doesn't make a difference whether you love me or not. It only matters if I love you or not. I am disloyal to my God. So who are you to expect some loyalty?
I don't love you now, and that's all that can help you move on.
Twenty-seven. Every act of love of mine was real, so now the loathing is real too. My feelings change. I want to be free so badly just as much as I want to be in love with you.
Twenty-eight. You know... I try to look good to have some confidence because I feel worthless far more often than not... not to woo you to marry me... not to woo any boys.
So, what harm can it cause if I want to look a little fair in my profile picture? Using a filter of even a borrowed phone?
It's hard for guys because they are programmed to think a girl's or a lady's good looks calibrated with her being his life partner. I don't judge you for that. So, I have decided to give a statement here...For only one or two people, maybe?
Twenty-nine. I will never marry anyone to ruin his life because I agree with you… no boy will want to come close with me again.
I can't help it but I have accepted myself…
Thirty.

What rain is falling here, do you know?
I feel such an urge to send you this rain!
This rain, these birds laying eggs,
this dazzling joy that burns the moon's eyes — sharing it all with you…
…none of this carries any meaning for me anymore.
This writing I'm doing,
you won't read these words, so
even this feels meaningless to me.

Thought: One Thousand Twenty-Six
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One. Sometimes I feel, I need to leave you...
Two. You take away all my fears.
Three. It's so hard being alone...but you're imaginary...what have I been doing all this time?
Four. I'm so curious to know...have you never felt anything in your heart?
Five. You've always humiliated me, so there will come a time when you'll write only about me. That's why these humiliations are my victory. Oh, how easily you can push me away just because I say I love you!
Six. Such a beautiful moon has risen. Do look at it. I won't tell you these things in emails anymore. It hurts too much. I fear pain the most, so I end up with the most pain.
Seven. Even a book-averse person like me reads the book you gave me bit by bit. What can't a person do when in love!
Eight. Being married is a necessary evil. At least, you don't have to settle for a street loafer's company and eventually forced sex, which he thinks was so good. Eww…just to spend some time with a human being!
Yeah!
Nine. As usual, the cat gets killed by her curiosity! Have you ever slept with a wild animal? God… It's nauseating for me, good deterrent though.
Ten. Sometimes I feel like unfriending — no, blocking — all of my 117 Facebook friends and just sitting there. Then there wouldn't be the pressure to be as proper and perfect as them...I'd be happier, at least on Facebook.
Eleven. Why do I feel so insufficient? You know, love is a funny thing. You can be all-impressive...
Sometimes you stoop to the point where an addict scumbag gets a piece of you. The test was worth it though. Although it disgusts my body and my standards, it is proven that you do have the gift…
Twelve. This tremendous passion of mine for you, needs a conduit. It needs to get out…
This tremendous passion of mine for you needs a conduit...needs to get out... And music is what I feel most at home with…
My art is my voice... My craft needs my fingers... My craft is my fingers on the piano keys... I feel relieved every time I sing my heart out…
All of it kisses you while flowing out of my throat... I kiss you in every way possible... I love you... All the way to the moon and back...
Thirteen. The calculation in our country is a bit different — when you see a decent girl not getting married, you'll understand...the girl is ambitious, waiting for something better. But when you see a boy reach 32 without marrying, you'll understand that the boy is horribly worthless and irresponsible, because he's living off his parents and thinking, I'm the beloved son...
For a boy who feels no urgency about marriage, remaining unmarried for spiritual reasons is somewhat impossible in our country.
Fourteen. One day I'll play thunderous melodies on my grand piano by the seashore. You'll watch me spellbound and say, Oh you fool...I loved you anyway, you didn't need to become so accomplished just to impress me!
Fifteen. Why are you so sexy, Prince Charming?

I have tried to think about you without desire but you are irresistible.
Why are you so sensual, Prince Charming? It's unbearable to the point when it smothers me.
Sixteen. I'll say ti amo in Italian, give you French kisses in French, whisper xie xie in Mandarin, say nein in German. Tell me, who can compete with me?
Seventeen. Do you know? What terrible thoughts come to my mind about you all the time?
Frenzied, delirious thoughts crawl through me, wild intoxication surrounds me in intimate moments. Today it suddenly occurred to me...
Who calls these thoughts terrible?
Oh, society?
They don't even know what legitimacy is!
Legitimacy is what the heart truly accepts, knows, worships and follows.
Eighteen. It's so ironic that I seem so confident to everyone, But I feel so insecure on the inside for you...
Nineteen. When I sit alone on the mat spread on the floor, eating rice, sunlight streaming through the window onto my face, I wonder why you never ask from your heart...
Listen dear, have you eaten? How's the cooking going? Has the maid come?
Don't those bound by some tender affection ask each other such things?
Twenty. When any other man tries to speak Bengali, it becomes unbearable. So utterly ordinary, you know? This is how you've ruined me for everything else... whatever isn't heart-wrenching, whatever hasn't grown from subtle feelings, whatever emotions aren't... but have merely grown from duty—I realize now, looking back, that nothing feels good that isn't you... that doesn't reach beyond you, outside you, doesn't step into your shadow.
Twenty-one. Please take me back. There's no place to live... Only a few to stay...but no place to live.
Twenty-two. Well, when I become mature now, you won't get this madwoman anymore.
You don't want that—perhaps you don't even know that you don't want that... I don't want it either...
Twenty-three. Tell me, why do I still have trust issues? With you, this had vanished... but since that day, anxiety, fear, everything has taken hold, it won't go away unless you return, come back.
Will you come back?
Twenty-four. Those who want to remain alone, may no one suddenly fall in love with them... what terrible humiliation, oh Allah...!
Twenty-five. Your door closing is like my breath stopping. I won't knock anymore. I even know what you'd say if I opened it and looked. You'd say, "Bitch!"
I couldn't even coax death close with sweet words. What kind of skill in love is this?
Twenty-six. This time I'm practicing, picking out melodies on the piano... now if you heard this, you simply couldn't hold onto your resentment anymore.
Even if it's another musician's composition, copying piano sheets from YouTube by hand and picking out the tune on the keyboard... you can surely understand how much emotion this contains! When there's a personal touch, even a tiny pebble holds so much meaning.
Twenty-seven. You're thinking whether to forgive or not. See, you're already caught... because I know I can win you over a hundred times, no matter how angry or furious you are. This is my superpower...
Twenty-eight. Whenever I can't focus on work or keyboard practice, I close my eyes... bring your beloved face before me and rest cheek against cheek for a moment...
A kiss on the nose... you remain very still with eyes closed... as if you were already prepared for this sudden touch of mine.
It's like meditation, then I can work again for a while. You don't even know how many times, in how many ways, I touch you.

If I knew, I would never sit in peaceful stillness, there is such a profound quiet in you... that brings peace to this heart. I love you, beloved...

Thought: One Thousand Twenty-Seven
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One. Everything I have ever said to you... I wish I could take it all back. Because, every now and then, I feel like I can't trust you. Why are you so untrustworthy?

Two. The most beautiful love is: not having. Not having you, yet feeling as if I've had you all day long...

All day,
All afternoon,
All night... every single night!

All the time, it's you who speaks close to my ear.

I'm doing well, by the way. New piano classes, new teacher.

You should have some ginger tea for that cough of yours.

Three. Don't reply.
I might not like it

Four. Do you know what all I ate today, without you?
Butter naan and chicken tandoori, chicken soup, spiced chickpeas, piping hot beguni, spinach fritters—all wonderfully crispy. Then salad, watermelon, khejur dates, followed by hot coffee—original American Nescafé Gold, strong. I ate so much, all without you!

I never even told you—it was my darling nephew's birthday, my heart's little piece. We all dressed up and went to their house for an intimate family party. I wore a sari—georgette, with a chain belt. Glittering eyeshadow and blue kohl around my eyes, painted my lips a deep maroon, glossy with lip gloss... you know, the kind that shimmers. I let my hair fall loose over one shoulder. The sari was lemon-colored, with purple flowers and vine patterns printed on it.

You would have loved how I looked, I know. I took quite a few photos, but...
One thing. You forget me, and I'll leave too.
I'm going now. Tomorrow I'll remind you again...
...to forget me.
P.S. I ate a huge slice of cake... your favorite too—chocolate flavor.

Five. Don't curse me, I'm speaking from research:
When women walk down the street, the two bottom edges of their salwar are never at the same height—one always stays a little higher.


Thought: One Thousand Twenty-Eight
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One. I noticed something in a Sunny Leone song—here Sunny Leone writes a love letter to the hero with her own blood, confessing her love. Do you see? I'm not the only one mad with love in this world. Some people are simply born into this world to wander around crazy with love. Their emotions don't diminish with age. They're willing to lose everything, but they must have their Laila-Majnu love story! I think I'm one of them.
Just thinking about you kept me awake last night. Lying awake, I suddenly wondered about myself—why do I get so happy from just one reply from you? I fight with you so much, you hurt me, yet I've forgotten it all. I still haven't grown up. I'm not mature, I know no manners at all. Whatever comes to my mouth, I say it all to you. Why do I have so much emotion! What do I eat! I'm so annoyed with myself! Even a suckling baby is less foolish than me! Even a schoolgirl is more mature than me, more composed! I understand everything. Yet I can't control myself.
I've been listening only to romantic songs since yesterday. I'm so happy! Be a little harsh with me and put me in my place! I won't be able to take this much happiness, I'll surely die! What will you do with me! I'm trouble from every angle! But I wasn't such trouble before I fell in love with you.
Writing you a letter in blood like her would feel good right now, I think. In this war of love, I'm lagging behind Sunny Leone. You already call me psycho, so I didn't resort to cutting. I haven't grown up, have I? My own body is precious to me too, so I didn't cut myself for you.

I thought to myself that this wouldn't impress you—rather, you'd be furious with me. So after threatening to cut off my own feet to threaten you, I restrained myself. I realized that foolish acts wouldn't win your admiration. I find you appealing. In my eyes, you are perfect.
Two. You live so close to me, yet not knowing this, I had been yearning for you for quite some time. Now that I know, it hurts even more, because you deliberately choose not to meet me. You feel nothing for me—otherwise you would meet me. I truly am a failure! My heart aches terribly.
I will leave for another country. You did well to cause me this pain. Now I will study. I have no one in this country! I won't delay any longer! I'll change my phone number too. I'll go to some country where I have no one and waste away there! I'll rot and decay and die somewhere. I won't beg you to meet me anymore!
Why would I stoop to this begging you if you don't want me? I am hurt! What did I do all these years? I quit. It hurts! I can't take it anymore! I can't take the agony of loving you! I quit! I quit! I quit!
You hear me? I fucking quit!
I can't bear it anymore! I can't endure this much torment. I did try! Please forgive me if you can. I can no longer tolerate this distance. I cannot accept that you could treat me this way! Be well!
These days you can get a partner for just a bit of money, you know? Buy one. Why do you need to call me? Who will bear such pain? Damn it! So many people love in comfort, and I'm the one who got stuck with this hell! I never wanted to fall in love with someone like you, to love this much! Why so much suffering?
I must focus on my studies, understand? I have no one in this world! No one at all! I was wrong to think that you were mine! Impossible! You couldn't have turned me away like this if you considered me even slightly your own! I must take the IELTS! I wasn't planning to leave the country otherwise, but God is kicking me out! You did the right thing! Now I'll go to any country where you don't exist! And we'll never meet again in this lifetime! Living in your city is itself torment! I quit!
Why do I love someone who can cause me such pain? Why did you tell me you live so close? How terrible you are! How can you play with my emotions like this? I quit!
Why am I crying now? I had become strong again! Then why am I breaking down once more, tell me? When love makes people so weak, why do people still love? Do humans have no shame?
When I was successful, I was very attractive, wasn't I? Now I'm a loser, so I hold no value for you! I know everything! I understand it all! You too abandoned me like everyone else! I haven't forgotten anything either!
You're numb, you judge only by success. I'm no longer sexy to you! Success is sexy! I quit!
Why did you knock on my door? What kind of devil are you!
Don't think that because I'm giving up, I'll commit suicide. Even if I have to curse you for the rest of my life, I won't die. You'll break my heart again and again, and nothing will happen to you? Just wait and see! You'll cry for me! No matter how much you want to forget me, you won't be able to! Can I?

I quit!
Why do you come to me, don't even step into the room next to mine, I won't even look back! I'm utterly fed up! I fucking quit!
You think you are great and deserve this level of attention from me? You get this kind of veneration and worship because this is my love! I'm that kind of lover! It's not your fame and talent and all those worldly parameters that I'm attracted to You! You are mistaken if you think you are entitled to being this jerk to me because you are a great personality! This is my love and hence, you have got all this loving years of my HARD-EARNED life! Just remember this! I'm done here!
Will I kill you? No! You don't even have that worth! And don't be afraid! I'm through here! You repel me! You disgust me! You nauseate me!
May your millions of well-wishers remain, I pray; but you will never have my love again! You will receive only curses. Do you know why? I will never marry in this life! When I cry, you too will cry! I may not believe in God but I do believe in Karma!
If I had gotten that job today, would you have treated me this way? You wouldn't have! I understand everything! I understand it all! You're a liar! You show me pity and sympathy? Want to help me? Never! I would never come to you to share my life again! You don't deserve me! You never did! I quit!
You knew I was someone else's girlfriend, but still, you made me cheat on him! I'm not a cheater! My entire integrity collapsed for sleeping with you that fateful night! I fell in love as a lover after sleeping with you! I have lost my relationship with him for you! What have you lost? Huh?
You posted funny cat pictures on your wall while I suffered this agonising guilt of having to cheat on my ex and fall in love with a man incapable of giving the slightest compassion! You only wanted to screw me when I specifically told you that I wanted a relationship before the first night! I wasn't a one-night stand even then! You didn't care!
You have caused my doom! Now, you can't even comfort me when I'm dying for a hug? I forget every time that you are incapable of giving back! I ask from you being naive! You never deserved my pure emotions but I've kept pouring my heart into this relationship for the last six years!
I have lost everything in those years! I have lost my dignity, my self-esteem, my integrity! You've led me on anyway! You've never loved me back! You've never communicated all these years! I quit…
I'm down to my knees now.


Reflection: One Thousand Thirty-Nine
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I will not kill you. I no longer hold that right! Even to kill someone, one needs the right. This love will no longer knock at your door, I promise. I will bury all these emotions of mine, I promise. I can no longer bear to languish this way in your love! I cannot give up and commit suicide now. That situation no longer exists. This only increases my suffering.

You don't need to block me, I'm blocking you myself. If I had gotten the job today, you'd let me come close, wouldn't you? I understand everything! I'm not a child anymore! I understand it all! Everything! I understand everything!

I wasn't supposed to cry today. You've hurt me. Why did you show me attention if you weren't going to care? I couldn't sleep for two days from happiness. Now I'm crying thinking of reality. Can you tell me why I'm crying? You hurt me! You play with my emotions! I understand everything! I'm not a fool! If I had succeeded today, love would have come to you for me! Now only pity comes! I understand everything! If I had succeeded, I would have had sex appeal to you! Now you only want to send cake and money on my birthday! You think, oh dear, poor thing! She'll eat cake, she has no money! Isn't that right? Keep your pity to yourself, brother! Even though I couldn't succeed, I'm still the same person, aren't I? I'm still the same person! I couldn't succeed! What should I do, tell me? Does the same person become someone else just by succeeding?


That's why you can play with my emotions now! If I had succeeded, you'd be afraid of me, wouldn't you? You're just like everyone else, I don't blame you. The whole world is like this! Here, only success is celebrated.


I've been crying since this morning. Why did you make me cry again? I had started laughing, so why did you raise my hopes like this again? This game of yours reminded me of everything... you understand? I understand everything! If I had succeeded, you would have really wanted to call me close today, wouldn't you? No matter how much you deny it, this is the truth! You wouldn't be having fun with me like this if I had gotten the job today!


I'm going to die! I won't be able to plead and beg you anymore. I'll listen to songs all night and cry—this is my fate. I can neither die nor live even a little. Since morning I've been crying like mad and writing to you. I wasn't supposed to cry today, but you're the one making me cry. No matter how much I try to be strong, it's useless. I want to laugh, it's useless. I want to stand up, it's useless.


I'll cry my whole life, but I won't beg you anymore. I can't cut my hands with a knife, everyone will see; but I can do it to my legs, can't I? Every time I feel like talking to you, I'll cut my leg that many times. No one will see under my pajamas. But it's important to let you know, because this is also your responsibility! It's fun even telling you! I hate you this much! You get it? It's all your fault! What will you do now? Call me psycho now? I'm sick, aren't I?


I don't even want to be healthy like you. You don't even fall into the category of human beings! You're cruel, heartless and indifferent, brother! I'll cut my leg and send you pictures now. How will you feel? You won't be able to feel good, and you won't be able to feel pain either, because I'm nobody to you, right? If I can't die, I can at least hurt myself, can't I? And I can put you in some agony too! This is a genius plan! You won't be able to have fun with me anymore! You can't play with my emotions anymore! You just wait! I'll show you fun now! When my blood flows, you'll be the one crying, you'll see?


I need to punish myself now! Why was I humiliated by you? Aren't I a phoenix? You're a dog! You get it? (Dog)^∞ ...this is called dog to the power infinity! Why did you say you remembered me?

Why don't you block me? Are you keeping me around for your amusement? I'm going to do something drastic this time! Just you wait! I cannot bear this humiliation!
Why do you make me cry? Don't you know I'm in pain? When I was recommended, you wouldn't let me go to Tariq! When the gazette didn't come through, you said goodbye with hundreds of your own messages! Can you deny this? Liar! Deceiver! You're greedy! Why don't you want to see me anymore? Because I didn't get the job? Why did you make me cry again? Answer me! What wrong have I done? Why do you cause me so much pain?
Why can't I go to anyone? What spell have you cast on me? You take abuse, yet you won't block me! What harm would it do you to stay with me? Would your status diminish? You're such an important person after all! Is that why you can't? Then bring my Tariq back to me! I cannot live without the person I love!
Speak. Answer me. Bring my Tariq back to me. Give me back my life as it was, please. I won't ask anything else of you then. You're God, aren't you! Can't you do it? I'm just an ordinary person. Bring me my Tariq, please! Everything is over for me! What do I have left to live for now? Can you tell me?
Then answer this question... why did you say you remembered me? This mind won't find peace today no matter what. My chest echoes with emptiness. You are God! Bring back the person I love in my life, please! I fall at your feet! I would really fall at your feet if you came before me!
I loved Tariq so much too! I'm so alone now I can't let anyone come even a little close. I only want physical touch now, but see, I can't give even that to anyone! I've given everything to you!
I will cut the veins in my wrists. My blood group is B-negative! No one will be able to save me if I bleed, understand? I'm finished anyway! What do I have? You tell me? Bring Tariq to me, or give me your time! Do one or the other!
Even if I haven't succeeded, I'm still the same person I was before. Just come close once and see me! I'm still the same person, aren't I? I just couldn't succeed... but I tried, didn't I? Tell me today whether you'll let me come close or not! I can't live anymore with all these tormenting memories.
Why did you write so many poems about me that I can't leave you? I want your body, not poetry. Tell me today whether you'll meet me or not! Otherwise I'm telling you I'll commit suicide! My elder brother died for love, I'll die too. Won't I?
What will happen when I die? I'm telling the truth! Say whether you'll meet me or not! I want sex, I need it. You have to give this to me! Where will you run? I'll cut my legs every day and send you photos, understand? I couldn't buy a blade or box-cutter today. There's still time... you can block me if you're afraid of blood!
What are you thinking? Why won't you say whether you'll meet me or not? I'm just asking to meet, aren't I? Only you can save me now! For the past 7 years 2 months 11 days I've been without anyone's touch! Only you can save me from this curse now! Just meet me, I won't ask for anything else!

You know, I can't even watch intimate movie scenes now — you come flooding into my mind! I can't get aroused anymore! That's why I'm pressuring you. I'm truly dying without you! I'm not asking you to marry me, just give me some happiness!
If I had gotten that job today, you would have agreed to meet me. That's the reality. I did try to succeed, didn't I? What else can I do, tell me? The world is just like that — it's not your fault. Success is sexy, appealing, powerful! Those without success have nothing left to live for.