Reflection: Nine-Seventy-Four ……………………………………………………………… One. Those who don't share pictures—they or their families don't escape trouble and illness either. The suffering of those who hide their pain is the greatest of all. Don't make thoughtless remarks about anyone without knowing their reality. No one sits waiting with infinite patience to digest your assumptions. Some people, if they could, would share even the color of their underwear on Facebook! Not everyone is like that. To each their own life, their own way. More happens in this world outside of Facebook than within it. Don't rush to whine about your own sorrows by assuming that those who don't publicize their grief are the happiest people on earth. Everyone has their share of pain. People can barely survive their own suffering—where is the time or need to listen to your litany of woes? Walk your own path yourself. You're not walking mine for me, are you? It's deeply irritating. Two. When people die, they are delivered; when they live, they suffer. Three. People speak to please fools in three situations: When they themselves are fools, To make use of fools, To avoid provoking fools. Four. What is inherited by birth is neither merit nor achievement. To expect anything based on such claims is the height of foolishness. One who expects this way is worthless; and one who indulges such expectations is the chief of the worthless. In this country, of course, physical strength, vocal power, and mental force are all inherited by birth. Five. Separation is better than discord. Six. Wherever I can sit and lose myself in writing—that is my home. Seven. Listen then, let me tell you something. I no longer consider anyone in this world my guardian; I fear no one even slightly; if anything in this world were lost, I would feel no pain for that person or thing. I will not allow it—I will handle myself in any situation. Who thinks of me that I should think of them? One thing is clear as daylight to me: I will trust no one but God. This faith I have—if the door of this house were to close against me for any reason at this very moment, God would open ten more doors for me. The shadow of God's grace is over my head, so no matter what terrible circumstances arise in life, God will never leave me alone. He will surely open some path for me. Today my home is beyond any home. These words may sound absurd, but I know God will take care of me. God is my only guardian. With parents or siblings, whatever was to happen has happened; I cannot force myself to love them, nor can I respect them, and that's not so important anyway. Blood relations are one thing, heart connections another. I will treat all other family members with utmost courtesy, but that old emotion toward them will never return. And I'm content with just this much. I've suffered enough heartbreak by wasting emotions in futile places; enough is enough—no more! Man is a social being. Using this excuse, society forces him to live by society's rules. Society itself is a personality-less entity and keeps its members the same way through sheer force. Society lacks two things greatly: work and shame. What can be done! People must live through social performance out of necessity. Eight. Some drink wine; Some are consumed by wine.
No. If you truly must, try to be a person of the first kind. If you cannot, you will lose much from life. A person who can be bought with liquor and drugs is not meant to have a beautiful life.
If you must drink, it’s best done in only two ways: buying it yourself, or drinking while treating others. He who offers free drinks usually does so with an agenda. Either spend your money, or earn respect. If you want to drink, you must sacrifice something: either money, or dignity.
Ten. People come into the spotlight in two ways:
By doing something worthy of fame,
By clinging to famous people.
Now it depends entirely on you which way you choose to go viral: by eliminating viruses, or by becoming a virus yourself!
Eleven. Our story could have been different! If you had been the right person in my life, life would have seemed more beautiful, I would have wanted to live a thousand years.
Sometimes I think it’s my good fortune to be able to come to you; then the very next moment I think, anyone can meet you if they want to.
I could choose not to see you of my own will. But the problem is, I love you very much.
I deeply wish you would be rare. That a person couldn’t just text you and expect a reply. You used to say you only wanted love; I often feel you simply get entangled with the wrong people.
Sometimes I desperately want to spend time with you in complete privacy, but I cannot gather the courage. I don’t know if there will ever be another chance to meet you.
I am alone, but I am quite well. I say again, be rare. You need love; I wish you receive abundant love. Stay well.
Twelve. Is it better to marry someone with a modest income who will try to keep me happy with everything they have, rather than hearing constant taunts about rice and sustenance every day?
If someone is ready to pour all their capacity into me, even if their income is somewhat less compared to others, would that person be right as a life partner?
The person who knows something of my past; who sees and understands all of my present and is ready to accept me without any demands even if their income is a little less—should I marry them?
But does the person before marriage remain the same person after marriage?
Does the sincerity toward the relationship that exists before marriage persist after marriage?
Every time I try to make a decision about marriage under various pressures, I retreat again due to different fears, finding neither the strength nor the confidence from within, but day by day the behavior of my family members toward me is becoming so reckless that I cannot understand what to do.
Getting a job will also take time for me; moreover, due to various circumstances at home, I cannot study properly, and on top of that, I am exhausted from constantly fulfilling one relative’s demands after another, performing duties toward this person and that; though I know that those for whom I am doing so much will not even inquire about me at the end of the day, and far from expressing gratitude, they will not even acknowledge any of this.
Understanding all this, I still find myself terrified, inexplicably, of marriage. I have endured so much in life that I feel whatever I have suffered so far, or continue to endure daily, should never repeat itself once I leave this house.
Given my situation, any decision feels difficult to make. I feel trapped from all sides. I cannot find a way out of here. Though leaving has long been urgent, I remain here gritting my teeth, thinking that if only I could get into something—anything—I could leave. But that something just isn’t happening.
Meanwhile, each time I stay at someone else’s house to take exams, I have to do this and that to keep them happy too. What should I really do? Which direction should I go? What would finally make my path a little easier?
Reflection: Nine-Seven-Five
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One. I’ve noticed that in chasing dreams, we forget to live even a few days on our own terms.
Good grades are essential, prestigious universities are necessary, high-paying jobs must be secured. Houses must be built, cars purchased. Land here, plots there. All preparations for loss, though we don’t recognize the burden at first!
We all keep running, and running.
Now, if a person spends 10 hours out of 24 on work, 6 hours sleeping, how many days does that person actually live for themselves? And in those remaining days, can they even live properly?
Ten hours given to others each day—how many hours in a month? In a year? While dreaming of living well, a person’s life simply runs out.
If someone lives 60 years, how many days does he actually live for himself? Twenty-five years he lives for others; in the remaining 35, there’s sleep, and so much time wasted on countless pointless tasks. How much time is spent regretting time wasted on worthless people!
Most importantly, does everyone even live to be 60?
Two. When I die, don’t look for me in the sky—after death, I will never become a star.
When I die, touch your fingers again and again, or keep gazing at the keys of your keyboard. If you wish, in whatever melancholy poems, stories, songs are born from your hands, search for me line by line.
Know this for certain: when I die, I will never become a star. I will be a drop of tears in your eyes; or you’ll see a new mole appear on your left cheek—that will be me. Or suppose you have a daughter—she might not be herself, but me.
But I keep saying: after I die, I will never become a star. I’m afraid of becoming a star in the sky, just as I fear that gentle smile when you leave me behind, saying, “Take care, you deserve someone better than me.”
After death, I truly won’t become a star. When I die, never look at the sky searching for stars.
After I die, never, in any way, will I become a star! People store lies among the stars.
Three. (Height of Expectation)
: Listen, son, when you marry, marry a girl who will never disobey your father and me. Whatever we say will be right.
: All right, Ma.
: And listen, she mustn’t go against your sister’s word either. Find such a girl and then marry her.
: Huh…? Well, all right!
: Fool, why did you startle? Like this, for instance: she’ll make pudding. Even if she knows how to make pudding, she’ll call your sister to ask for the recipe. Even if she knows that recipe, she’ll listen attentively, try to learn it all over again. This will make your sister happy. Don’t you understand?
(The boy said no more. He became confused about whether he would be getting married, or his mother would.)
Four. You know, I find you so… me, me, me… why are you like this!
Five. Everything about beloved people is good, except for one problem: beloved people suddenly up and die.
Then thousands and millions of years pass, the earth grows warmer, the population doubles and triples; society changes, culture transforms, science arrives and makes astounding discoveries that change the world completely, turning it upside down.
The impossible becomes possible, there are homes on Mars, people begin settling on the moon, dirt changes from generation to generation. Yet, once a person dies, they never, in any way, under any circumstances, return—they never get the chance to return.
Well, is this exactly how our parents too will one day leave and never return? Does any of this make sense?
Six. Some relationships have no name.
You won’t find the exact reason why you feel such inexplicable tenderness for that person, why your heart trembles at their slightest pain, why tears gather in your eyes seeing their fever-wracked, weakened body.
Yet… yet crossing the barbed wire of such non-relationships, sometimes there’s a deep desire that while brushing dust off a shirt collar, they might absent-mindedly say… “Don’t be afraid at all, I’m here!”
Well, why can’t some relationships be named? Why do some people remain ‘nobody’ even while being our everything?
Yet this person who is ‘nobody’ somehow becomes tremendously much of everything, growing roots like a banyan tree right in the center of the chest, standing there firmly for many, many years… it’s hard to believe!
All human affection, it seems, is without destination.
Seven. Except for the one whose judgment matters to you, never answer anyone else’s judgment. They deserve your silence, not your words. Let them think whatever they wish. Even those to whom fate gave little, Mark Zuckerberg has given them their own Facebook wall. So let them speak; speaking doesn’t make it so. Perhaps being able to attract your attention might be the greatest achievement of their lives, who can say! Some prove by doing, others by talking.
Eight. If you want what I have received… first give up what I have given up.
Nine. Will you be my sorrow?
Ten. A person carries their own corpse.
Eleven. Chowdhury saheb, I beg of you, don’t ask me to remember my girlfriend’s birthday, my own wife’s wedding anniversary, the other wife’s cat’s birthday… please!
…Those don’t come in BCS preliminaries! Try to understand a little…
Twelve. Suppose you want your beloved to remember your birthday. But it’s also possible that remembering dates and times isn’t their way of expressing love. If you left the responsibility of remembering birthdays to Facebook, wouldn’t that take some pressure off your dear one!
Thirteen. Don’t spend all your leisure time on your beloved—keep some time for books too, so at least your reading habit survives. Otherwise, who will you spend time with after a breakup? Let’s assume the person won’t leave, will stay. There will be quarrels and fights, communication will be temporarily cut off. What then?
Fourteen. Peace is religion.
Fifteen. Those who judge don’t understand, yet they go on judging without understanding.
Those who understand don’t judge—understanding, they remain silent.
Sixteen. People love their own incompleteness. And because they love it, they cling to precisely those things that prevent them from becoming complete.
Thought: Nine Hundred Seventy-Six
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One. Each person in this world serves a particular purpose. To those who don’t value the work someone does, that person is insignificant—even though they may be important to many others. To someone who doesn’t count what you can do, you’re worth not even a penny. Understand your own weight before stepping onto the scales.
Two. Someone who becomes a parasite in their own home finds even an entire world insufficient.
There are many wounds that time can never erase; rather, those scars grow deeper with the passage of time.
Just as there are countless ungrateful children in this world, there are also many ungrateful parents—those whose hearts can never be satisfied by anything, and remarkably, some parents end up considering that very child their golden child who kicks them aside at every turn!
Like some children, some parents too can never be pleased, and like ungrateful people, they always manage to find fault with everything! Those whose nature it is to seek flaws will look for flaws even in paradise.
Three. If people spoke as carefully as they pass gas in front of others, they wouldn’t get into trouble. Yet careless gas-passing causes no trouble, while thoughtless words often do.
Four. We want freedom, yet we fear breaking our chains. You know why? Two wings are enough to become free, but many chains must be broken for chains to be truly broken! When this occurs to the mind, it says, “Don’t fly!” and the body says, “Let it be!”
Five. Not everyone knows how to love. Some feel insecure when they try to love. Then they begin strict surveillance of their beloved’s movements. This makes both gradually sick and melancholy. Love thus transforms into fear and burden. Better to go without food than get entangled in such relationships.
Six. Some relationships remain beautiful only when there’s distance.
Seven. Though people try to overcome their loneliness by being with others, human loneliness can never truly be fulfilled. In truth, people fear change.
When a person is alone, they fear companionship, fear developing habits and dependence on someone else; they fear thinking that someone might deceive them!
But when they’re with a companion, that same person fears being left alone, fears this sudden change in their habits, fears the uncertain future! They think, what will I live for if I’m alone again!!
Eight. After a certain time, people become afraid of loneliness. In fear of solitude, knowing full well they are wrong, they cling to someone merely to fill the void left by a companion.
Slowly the night deepens, the ache of loneliness begins to envelop them from all sides in such a way that in that moment they begin to feel like the greatest burden on earth to themselves.
A person gathers all their strength just to keep even their meager self-control within their grasp.
These moments are so difficult that sometimes even people who are successful in many ways become somehow helpless when they come face to face with themselves. The person who shows countless others the light of hope every day, keeping them alive, looks at themselves and wonders, “Why do I feel like such rubbish to myself?”
While people can bear the burden of others, they cannot easily bear their own burden. This is why sometimes relationships formed with wrong people also survive in a way.
People know and understand that the person they are with is not at all the right person for them, that this person will never properly value them, that this emotional distance will only keep growing by day’s end, but still they cling to that person and remain there not because they cannot live without them; they actually cling on from fear of their loneliness, from fear of losing in the battle with themselves.
Life teaches through untimely turns that sometimes people are compelled to become disobedient to themselves, not merely from attachment or habit!
Nine. Dear Sayan,
I once cried so much listening to the song “Why do childhood friends get lost when age increases…”
These days I cry listening to this song. Sometimes I need certain tears.
This creation of yours will save many relationships from breaking for ages to come. Those people will remember you, love you, which you will never even know.
Stay well always.
Ten. Let silence take the decision.
Eleven. Boys think if they could get two things, life would be much happier: a job and a wife.
After getting both, boys think if they could give up two things, life would be much happier: the job and the wife.
Twelve. We get hurt by both those we love and those we hate. We receive the first type of hurt because we love, we hate the second because we receive it.
Thirteen. Whose anger belongs to whom!
Whose worship goes to whom!
Fourteen. In the name of love, people essentially fulfill their own needs—mental or physical or both.
Fifteen. People very easily ask others for these two things: time and money; yet both are very precious. Can precious things be asked for without reason… and that too from just anyone? Giving money is difficult, giving time is more difficult; giving either to a stranger without reason is most difficult.
Funny thing is, people usually ask for these two things from someone who has benefited them. When they don’t get what they ask for, they then misunderstand, sometimes even get angry. People are such expectation-loving creatures. People simply don’t want to understand that whoever bears the pain should bear the consequences.
People never go to those through whom they are never benefited. No one misunderstands them either, no one gets angry with them either. They don’t even cross anyone’s mind. They are safe in every way.
Do you know why time is more precious than money? Because while anyone’s money might serve your purpose, not just anyone’s time will serve your purpose. While all money is the same, all time is not the same. The value of time varies from person to person.
Sixteen. The girl has just been married. She lives in her in-laws’ house; her husband stays in a distant district, compelled by livelihood. The husband visits occasionally, stays for a day or two, then leaves. The girl simply waits.
One day, while waiting, she absent-mindedly drew a picture of her husband. Such a beautiful picture it was… but the poor thing didn’t draw his feet—fearing that if she drew feet, her husband might just run away from the picture!
Ah, are all beloved ones prone to flight!
Seventeen. Mosquitoes and scoundrels belong to the same species. In their actions, mosquitoes perfectly imitate scoundrels. To serve their interests, scoundrels first prostrate themselves at people’s feet; mosquitoes too come and perch on feet. Scoundrels eat people’s back-flesh, meaning they go behind people to slander and try to cause harm. Because they gossip in people’s absence, scoundrels have a name: ‘back-flesh devourers.’ Mosquitoes too pierce the back with their stings to drink blood. To accomplish their evil intentions, scoundrels whisper all manner of false yet sweet words in people’s ears. Mosquitoes too hum sweetly near the ear before drinking blood. The moment scoundrels find a gap—an opportunity—they enter people’s homes and hearts and fearlessly cause harm. Mosquitoes do exactly the same: finding the slightest hole in a mosquito net, they slip inside and comfortably drink blood.
Thoughts: Nine Hundred Seventy-Seven
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One. How should we acknowledge our own mistakes?
For the fulfillment of our purpose, we must move forward with humble courage to confess our sins in their entirety; then we cannot hold ourselves back through any apprehension. When a snake injects venom into our body, it is poisonous; but from that same snake’s venom, life-saving medicine is made, which when administered can save life. When we commit sin, it is abhorrent; but when we acknowledge that sin with repentance, it becomes beneficial and empowering. Contrition and confession are so beautiful and fragrant that they erase sin’s ugliness and remove its stench.
If we are truly humble, we will be deeply disturbed by our sins because they displease God; but confessing those sins will be sweet and precious to us because it pleases God. When we openly tell a doctor about the illness that troubles us, we find some relief. When we go to our teacher, we must imagine ourselves sitting in the dust at the feet of God and our own soul. To wash away all our stains, precious blood flows like sweat from the teacher’s entire being. Through the teacher’s labor and sweat our sins will be cleansed, and we will be freed from sin. To ensure that sins are expelled through confession, we must open the doors of our heart. For as sin departs from the mind, the supreme virtue of sacred suffering will enter the heart to fill it with its blessings.
For this, everything must be said simply—nothing concealed or hidden, so that conscience may dwell in joy forever. And when that work is finished, we must listen to the advice and guidance of the teacher, God’s servant; we must say in our hearts: “Speak, Lord, for your humble servant listens.” Then we hear God’s very words, for He tells His spokesman, the true teacher: “Whoever hears you, hears me.” Thus gradually self-knowledge awakens and the soul is freed from darkness.
Two. Let us allow some thoughts about death to find space in our minds.
1. Stand before God.
2. Pray to Him for His grace.
3. Imagine yourself lying on your deathbed; there is no hope of recovery.
Keep certain matters always in mind.
1. Remember, you never know when death will come knocking at your door. One day you must leave this body behind. When will that day come, where, and how? In winter or summer? In the city or countryside? During the day or at night? Will that death come with warning or without? Will you die of illness or by accident? Will you have time then to confess your mistakes, or will you not? At the hour of death, will you find a teacher willing to listen patiently to your errors? Alas, we know nothing of these matters! We know only that we will die; and for as long as we hope to live, almost always we die before that time.
2. Remember, the world will then vanish from your sight, nothing of it will remain for your enjoyment. This world will lie face-down before your eyes. Yes, then all the amusements and revelries, pride and arrogance, joy and pleasure, boundless love and affection—all of it will seem like a mirage. Alas, how wretched I am! What trivial and hollow desires led me to such deeds! Because of this, God has grown angry with me. You will see that in your greed for the worthless, you forgot God countless times. From another perspective, it will seem that devotional practice and righteous deeds were so desirable and sweet to you, yet why did you not follow that beautiful and joyful path? The sins that once seemed so small will now appear mountainous, while your devotion will seem minuscule. Then, alas, it will be far too late!
3. Taking leave of this illusory world will require great strength from you; it will be exceedingly difficult. Consider for a moment: wealth and abundance, pride and ego, entertainment and pleasure, companions and friends, games and sports, friends and acquaintances, neighbors, relatives, children, spouses—in short, you will bid farewell to everyone. And finally you will take leave of your own body; that body will lie there pale, skeletal, becoming like refuse, rank with putrid stench.
4. After that, consider how quickly your body will be taken away and buried in the earth; and consider that once the body is buried, this world will no longer think of you; even if you wished to remember others, you could not, and this world will not want to remember you at all. So many people while living, but where are people once they die? Everyone will say, may God give peace to your soul; that’s all, nothing more. O death, you show deference to no one; what a merciless truth you are!
5. Consider that after departing from the body, the soul proceeds along either the right or left path! Alas, where will your soul go then, or which path will it take? The same path it began traveling in this life. Your responsibility is to let the soul walk the beautiful path while you are still alive.
Come, let us plan some work and set about implementing it.
1. Pray to God, leap into His embrace. O Lord, on that terrible day give me shelter. Let that moment be one of joy for me; let everything be favorable to me; for this, even if the other days of my life are filled with sorrow and suffering, there is no cause for regret.
2. Disdain this world. O world, since I do not know exactly when I shall leave you, I will allow no attachment to you to take root in me. O my friends and companions, may I love you only with that sacred friendship which remains imperishable forever. For why should I bind myself to you with bonds that must decay and be severed? The bond with the soul is the most beautiful bond.
3. I shall prepare myself for that moment; and I shall remain conscious of all that is necessary to take joyful leave of this world. I shall try my utmost to keep my conscience upright and I shall correct these flaws and failings of mine. One who does not reform himself has no meaning in living.
What must be done when thoughts of death arise, I write briefly:
Give thanks to Him for the resolutions that God has granted you. Dedicate them to the Supreme Lord; pray to Him again that through the merit of your thoughts, labor, and actions He may make your death joyful. Prayer is liberation, supreme welfare lies in prayer. Repent… for spiritual death and rebirth—even before physical death.
Thought: Nine hundred and seventy-eight
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One. Some practices may be undertaken to make oneself conscious and vigilant about sin.
1. Place yourself before God.
2. Pray to Him for inspiration.
Come, let us now contemplate certain matters.
1. Reflect on how long ago you first descended onto the path of sin; and do not forget to consider how much that sin has grown within you since the day you first transgressed. Consider how daily, through deeds and words, through greed and through the very currents of thought, you have multiplied sins against God, against yourself, against your neighbor.
2. Remember your inclination toward sinful acts and how far you have followed those impulses. And contemplating these two matters, you will see that your sins have multiplied beyond number—more numerous than the hairs on your head! The count of your sins and errors exceeds even the sands of the desert!
3. Consider separately the particular sin of ingratitude you have shown toward God. This is such a sin that it spreads through other sins, making them utterly abhorrent. Then see what gifts God had bestowed upon you, and how you misused them against that very Giver—especially how many inspirations you ignored, how many righteous efforts you yourself seized and destroyed. Above all, how many times you received sacred sacraments, but what came of it? Those precious gems with which your beloved friend, beloved teacher, beloved Creator had adorned you—what has become of them now! They lie buried beneath your sins. What preparation did you make to receive them? While God runs ceaselessly after you to save you, you yourself are always fleeing from Him toward death. Reflect well upon this ingratitude of yours.
Now I shall speak of what you can do.
1. Be ashamed of all your errors. Say: O my God, where is my courage to stand before You? Alas, I am the refuse of this world, a sewer of ingratitude and sin! Is it possible that I have become so faithless toward You that there is no sense, no power of mind that I have not destroyed, defiled, and made filthy? And not a single day has passed in my life when I have not committed these crimes. Is this the proper return for the gifts my Creator has given me?
2. Resolve to live well. O Lord, never again, through Your grace, never again shall I let myself drift in the current of sin. Alas, I loved this sin so dearly; now I despise it. O merciful Father, I embrace You. I wish to live in You and with You.
3. I shall courageously confess my past sins so they may be erased; not a single sin shall remain that I do not cast out from my heart.
4. I shall try with all my might to uproot from my heart all the roots of sin, especially those sins that trouble me most.
5. I shall strive throughout my life to make atonement for sin, and never shall I entertain the thought that I no longer need to reform myself, that I now deserve rest.
Let me speak briefly.
1. Thanksgiving. Give thanks to God; until now He has waited patiently for you, and has granted your mind these good inclinations and tendencies.
2. Offering. Offer your heart to Him so that He may give you the power to transform your understanding into action.
3. Prayer. Pray to Him to accept your surrender and to lead you toward the light.
Two. To attain spiritual prosperity, one must express devotion to God. This is the first step of spiritual progress. To surrender one’s heart to Him, the following practices may be undertaken:
1. Stand before God.
2. Pray for inspiration.
Why should you meditate upon Him?
1. Remember all that God has given you for your body; think of your body itself, of the countless conveniences provided for its sustenance, of the various wholesome pleasures for the body, of such good friends and assistance. Consider how easily you can keep yourself healthy and strong in God’s shelter. Compare yourself with those whose circumstances might have been like yours, yet who have not received these gifts—those who are disabled in body and limbs; those whose health is poor; those who carry the burden of others’ censure, contempt, hatred, and dishonor; those who are poor and suffering. God did not wish you to be wretched like them. Feel God’s presence in your heart.
2. Remember all that you have received for your mind. How many people exist in this world whose intelligence is dull, who speak deliriously, who are mad—and why are you not among them? Who are you that you need not be fashioned thus? God is actually pleased with you. How many people have become like barbarians and utter fools! Yet the benevolent God has given you every opportunity to receive good education and grow up like a refined person.
3. Remember your spiritual gifts. From youth itself God has taught you to know Him. How many times has He granted you His sacred influences! How many times has He inspired you, kindled divine light within your heart, chastised you for your correction! How many times has He forgiven your faults! How many times has He rescued you from the brink of spiritual destruction! And in the days of the past, did you not receive leisure and opportunity to advance on the path of your soul’s welfare? Think deeply about how kind and gracious God has been toward you.
How shall you undertake these tasks?
1. Marvel at God’s boundless generosity. God’s kindness toward me is beyond measure. His benevolence knows no end. O Lord, your heart overflows with the treasure of compassion. How generous you are in love and mercy! O my heart, may we speak forever of the graces He has bestowed upon me.
2. Be astounded by your own ingratitude. Say: O Lord, what am I that you should remember me? How worthless I am! Alas, I have trampled underfoot the gifts you gave me. I have dishonored your graces; I have misused them, scorning your supreme benevolence. I have blocked the path of your infinite mercy and grace with the heavy stone of my bottomless ingratitude.
3. Stir yourself to gratitude. Say then, O my heart, be no longer faithless, ungrateful, or rebellious toward this great benefactor; and shall my heart not now turn to God? What am I doing to please Him who dwells within me and works such wonders for me, bestowing such rare graces?
4. Since God has done so much for you, withdraw your body from various pleasures and dedicate it to His service. Through such practices, employ all the powers of your heart to know Him and be grateful to Him—practices that will aid you in noble purposes. Carefully observe the means prescribed for your own salvation and for loving God. Convince yourself: Yes, I will regularly engage in meditation, prayer, and sacred observances; I will listen to God’s holy word; the inspirations and teachings I receive, I will put into practice.
In brief:
**Thanksgiving.** Thank God for enlightening you about your duties and the opportunities you have received thus far.
2. **Oblation.** Offer your heart to Him with all your resolutions.
3. **Supplication.** Bow your head and seek strength and refuge from Him to shape a life exactly like that of those blessed by His grace.
Reflection: Nine Hundred Seventy-Nine
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One. Let us engage in some conversation with our soul about the purpose of our creation.
1. Place yourself before God.
2. Pray to Him for inspiration.
Why Should You Do So?
1. God did not create you because He had some need—for He has no need of you. He created you to manifest within you His boundless mercy and the glory He bestows through His grace. And therefore, to understand Him He has given you the power of comprehension, to remember Him the faculty of memory, to love Him the force of will, to envision His gifts the power of imagination, to behold His wondrous works He has given you two eyes, to sing His praise a tongue, and in like manner many other things besides.
2. Having created you for this purpose and brought you into the world, you must reject and avoid everything that opposes Him, every deed that runs counter to this end; and whatever does not serve this purpose you must regard as trivial, meaningless, and irrelevant.
3. Remember the misfortune of those worldly souls who live without contemplating this truth, as though they were created merely to build houses, plant trees, accumulate wealth, and revel in frivolous pleasures.
How Should You Do So?
1. Be ashamed, reproach yourself for your lowly state. You have committed many wrongs in the past; you have paid little heed to these matters, or none at all. You shall say: “Alas, my God! If I have not thought of You, then whose thoughts have occupied me all this time? Forgetting You, whom have I remembered? Not loving You, whom have I loved? Alas, instead of embracing what is supremely true, I have remained absorbed in false and meaningless things; that world which should have served me, I have been serving instead.”
2. Despise your past life filled with errors. O my vain and worthless thoughts, I renounce you. O my contemptible and empty memories, I abandon you with an oath. O my faithless and ungrateful friends, worthless and pitiable earthly pleasures, selfish and wearisome indulgences—I reject you all.
3. Immerse yourself in contemplation of God. Say in your heart: “O my God, my Savior, from now on You shall be the essence of all my thoughts. Never in my life shall I entertain any thought that displeases You. I shall fill my entire life with the memory of the sweet love and compassion You have shown me. You shall be my heart’s joy, the nectar-vessel of all my affections. Those trivial, foolish delusions that clouded my mind for so long, and those worthless pursuits in which I wasted so much time—from today onward I shall be terrified to remember them; and to escape their grip I shall do these specific deeds.” (It is excellent to name these deeds during prayer.)
In Brief:
1. Thanksgiving. Give thanks to God for creating you with such a noble purpose: “O Lord, You have created me for Yourself, so that I might rejoice eternally in Your infinite glory. When shall I become worthy of this? When shall I have the strength to offer You fitting praise?”
2. Oblation. With mind and soul, with all my heart, O my beloved Creator, I dedicate this love and these resolutions to Your service.
3. Supplication. O my God, accept these desires of mine, grant me Your blessing. May I be able to turn all my blood into sweat as I walk the path of life.
Two. The role of prayer in purifying the soul is boundless. Try doing the following practice in solitude—you will find peace.
1. Place yourself before God.
2. Pray to Him for inspiration.
Why should you do this?
1. Remember, just a few years ago you did not exist in this world at all; you had no being whatsoever. Alas, where were you then! This earth has been here for ages; yet it knew nothing of you.
2. Out of pure compassion, God created you from nothingness to shape you into what you are; for He had no need of you. You are not indispensable.
3. Remember the being God has given you; for in this world, this being is the greatest of all. It has the power to live for eternity and to unite with that supreme King of kings.
How should you do this?
1. Bow humbly before God. Say from your heart: “Before You I am nothing. What did You think of me that You created me?” Alas, all this while you were submerged in that primal, fathomless ocean of void; had God not rescued you from there, you would have remained there still; and what could you have done in that great emptiness?
2. Give thanks to God. Pray and say: O my great, supremely benevolent Creator, how indebted I am to You. For in Your infinite mercy, You consented to accept me in my insignificance to shape me into what I am. Will I ever have the power to properly sing the praise of Your holy name and give You thanks for Your infinite benevolence?
3. Let your heart fill with shame. With downcast eyes confess: Alas! O my Creator, instead of merging myself with You through love and service, I have made myself rebellious by becoming entangled in the web of boundless delusion; by remaining attached to sin I have separated and distanced myself from You; I have shown You no reverence for Your grace; I have behaved as though You did not create me.
4. Prostrate yourself before God. Looking at yourself, say: O my soul, know that the Lord is your God; He alone created you; you did not create yourself. You have become what you are today because God dwells within you.
5. I myself am nothing. Therefore I no longer wish to revel in self-satisfaction. Today I tell myself: You are dust and ashes! What do you feel proud about? You are not truly anything special; then why do you puff yourself up? So resolve today before yourself to humble yourself: I will certainly do these particular deeds; I will patiently endure these particular humiliations. I will change my way of life, from now on I will follow my Creator. For the being He has given me, I will praise Him. Exactly as I will learn, in that same way I will employ this being completely in His service; and in this matter I will seek guidance from my teacher.
Let me speak briefly.
1. Thanksgiving. Give thanks to God. O my soul, sing praise to your Lord; let all that is within me sing of His holy name; for from infinite emptiness He has mercifully rescued me and created me in supreme compassion.
2. Oblation. O God, the being You have given me, I offer it to You with my whole heart. I surrender and consecrate myself to You.
3. Supplication. O God, give me strength in all these devotions and resolves. Accept my merits along with all those for whom I ought to pray, that they may receive Your grace.
Reflection: Nine Hundred Eighty
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One. Why should man abandon the allure of sin? The primary reason is a terrible dread of the great harm that sin inflicts upon us—a dread that awakens in our minds a kind of deep and intense remorse. Even if remorse is weak, if it is truly genuine, especially if it is connected with the acceptance of virtuous discipline, it visibly delivers us from the grip of sin; similarly, when remorse is intense and deep, it frees us from all temptation to sin.
Feeble and weak hatred or aversion makes us dislike and avoid what we hate. But if it becomes severe and formidable, then not only do we avoid or dislike what we hate, but at the very sight of it our whole body recoils in disgust, we cannot bear even the company of its friends and relatives. Indeed, even its image and belongings arouse deep hatred and revulsion in our minds.
Thus we see that when a repentant person hates his sin with a weak heart, he truly resolves not to sin again, but when his remorse for sin becomes powerful and intense, he hates not only the sinful act but also the temptation to sin, and he hates everything that springs from sin and all its associated matters; and everything that draws man toward the path of sin. Therefore I say, the more remorse and repentance one can feel, the better; then everything connected with sin, however trivial it may be, can easily be hated.
We see that at the time of conversion, great souls abandon their attachment to sin and the pleasures they derived from it in such a way that these things never again enter their minds. They declare loudly that they hate not only sin itself; they hate everything that draws us toward the path of sin. In this the mind gains ever-new youth, just like the eagle.
Two. I can never forgive those people for whom another’s melancholy is merely an affectation. I call them murderers.
Sometimes I feel terribly weary. For no reason, quite unnecessarily. Then it seems I am neither happy nor unhappy; I am simply tired.
I want to flee frantically from everything… from where I am, from whom I am with, from whatever position I am in—from all of it. If I could escape, I would survive. Not with anyone else—I want to take my own hand and flee.
I don’t know where I want to go. I only know I don’t want to stay here.
I desperately seek liberation from myself. With both hands stretched toward the sky, I cry out: I am so terribly weary of living!
Three. I call someone very dear to me ‘Byangachi.’
In wisdom, virtue, and sweetness, this person is just like a magician. I cannot remember the last time I called someone by another name with such enchantment.
Amidst piles of messages flooding my inbox, I always search for my Byangachi’s message first. Morning, afternoon, or night—whatever it may be—as soon as I open my eyes, I look to see if any message has come from ‘Byangachi.’ When this person appears before my eyes, I feel good.
This sudden, abrupt affection that springs up for someone, this inexplicable fascination that accumulates for someone quite unnecessarily—is this called falling in love, or is it merely infatuation? Between love and infatuation lies a thin veil, whose name is maya.
Why should a person be so tender, so full of compassion? Why does someone who was nobody suddenly become everything? Why doesn’t the person of one’s life become the person of one’s living?
Four. People say, zindagi na milegi dobara—life won’t come twice.
I understand it all, yet I don’t wish to accept it. Why won’t such a beautiful life come twice to this wretched fate? When will I touch so many dreams in such little time?
A tiny life like a tiny ant—how much desire is ever truly fulfilled? Just when I begin to understand, I see it’s all over!
I want to spend a full hundred years just gazing at the sky. Even the simple desire to watch the sky isn’t satisfied in one lifetime! I want to gaze for two hundred years into the eyes of my beloved—eyes filled with either exuberance or melancholy. We have everything, yet we have no time to watch our beloved laugh and cry.
I want to hold my mother tight against my chest for a thousand years. I want to lose myself somewhere the sorrows cannot find me, and from where I too cannot find the path back home.
Why won’t life come twice, God? Why? I have so much left to see…
Five. A man went to sell mirrors in the land of the blind. Then all the blind people together destroyed that man’s eyes. They had an irrefutable logic behind this: once he joins our group, the poor fellow won’t have to struggle to sell mirrors anymore.
You’ll see many birds who save fish from drowning in water. Compassion is a very great virtue.
The birds, of course, are not at fault. They have never lived in water, so they think nothing except an ocean of air is suitable for living. They want the fish to live like them too. If they bring them into the air, they’ll be able to live well. No matter how hard the fish try, they cannot make the birds understand that just as one can live in air, one can live in water too. The birds wonder, how is it possible to live without air? Meanwhile, the fish kingdom is so vast, so vast, that they have no time to think about the birds’ kingdom, because they are happy in their own realm. Though the fish don’t live in the birds’ kingdom to see it, they also don’t try to drag and pull the birds into the water kingdom, because they don’t need the birds to survive. The fish, however, sometimes dream that one day the birds too will learn to live without dragging the water fish into the air.
Six. No one who loves is well.
Yet why do they love? What else can they do—they know no other way to be well!
Seven. That day Ammu and I went out at night, heading somewhere.
Ammu: Do you know Ayatul Kursi?
Me: Yes.
Ammu: Recite it. Blow it on yourself, blow it on me too.
Me: Why can’t you do it? You should have learned it by now.
Ammu: Hush, don’t talk so much. Read it properly, so that no harm or trouble comes to us.
Me: Nothing will happen to me. But you’ll be in danger.
Ammu: Oh my! Why?
Me: The One Above will say, “This person who couldn’t learn these four lines of Ayatul Kursi after all this time—why should I bother saving her from trouble?”