Thought: Eight Hundred Eighty-Three ……………………………………………………… One. If I wanted, I could easily mix intimately with other women! If you found out and created trouble, I don't mix out of that fear. ...This is called relationship. If I wanted, I could easily mix intimately with other women! If you found out and felt hurt, I don't mix out of that hesitation. ...This is called love. If I wanted, I could easily mix intimately with other women! Whether you know or don't know, I don't mix out of a kind of guilt. ...This is called loving. But yes, beyond these three paths lie many other paths. On those paths too there is relationship, there is love, there is loving. Whatever path one walks to stay well and keep others well, that path is beautiful for them. Two. The other day a relative of one of our little ones here passed away. Seeing everyone cry that day was causing me great pain. Yet when he was alive, they all treated him very badly. I was remembering you that day. I felt like talking a little. I suppressed the urge, because you behave very badly. You'll see, when I'm no longer here, you too will cry like this that day. Of course, you have no emotions. This is a good thing. I can't bear your tears. Tell me your news quickly. I'm about to cry now. Tell me your news quickly, so I can leave after that. The funny thing is, I used to think our relationship wasn't virtual. My mistake broke so late! Why didn't you make me understand this truth earlier? I've dragged a virtual relationship along for so many days...did you sometimes think I was crazy because of this? Ha ha ha! Natural. I am crazy indeed! You don't need to flee. Be brave. Brave people don't flee, they stay. Even staying, they make it clear that staying doesn't feel good. It may seem like I'm picking a fight. It's not really a fight. These words are more necessary. When they come to mind, you can't knock separately just to say these things. I'm not leaving, there's no easy escape from my hands! I'll stay and try for innocent, ungreedy, and desireless love. I'll teach myself to be good. Greed just won't leave me, greed remains! It's not like I didn't try hard enough! If I can't give up sin, greed, desire, then I won't return. Actually, you know what, you've misunderstood me. I really want many things. I thought even if I didn't say it aloud, you'd understand. So I never said anything. But I saw that when it comes to not understanding, you're a perfect hundred out of a hundred! It's even possible you pretend not to understand while understanding. That's why you've given me this and that honor, keeping me seated above so I can't come down. Brother, this kind of ethereal love won't work for me. For ethereal love one must either be a deceiver or a great soul. I've given up walking in the ranks of great souls. If necessary I'll be a deceiver, but I'll walk only in the ranks of humans. I don't want to be a great soul anymore. Since I can't ask openly, you and everyone thinks, 'Since he doesn't say anything, he probably doesn't need anything either.' Or 'He's a great soul, so...whatever we want to impose in his name, he'll accept it!' I won't torture myself anymore in the name of being this great soul. I'm tired of taking consolation prizes. In life's game, not getting any prize is much better than getting a consolation prize.
I wanted to see you just once, and I’ve said this simple thing at least a thousand times. How desperately I long to see you—I couldn’t describe that yearning even if I tried, friend! So I won’t say it anymore. What’s the point! There’s no gain in it!
I’m not family to you, nor bound by blood, so my cries don’t touch you.
The Creator knows everything.
You don’t have time—meaning you don’t have time for me! Yet you always seem to have time for complete strangers.
I’ve meddled too much in your personal affairs, and by asking to meet, I’ve wasted your time. Sorry! Still, I’ll keep circling back to this matter of meeting, round and round…
My helplessness will remain forever grateful to these two words: “I love you” and “sorry.”
I didn’t want to say anything, yet look how much I’ve said!
Well, good night…
Three. May no one ever love as madly as I do. You could very well say I have no work, no burden of responsibilities, that I barely finish my daily tasks before sitting down to torment you. Yes, you’d be right. I really am senseless and garrulous, constantly wanting to abandon all work and spin absurd tales with you that have neither head nor tail.
But what can I do, tell me? I’ve truly gone mad! I understand that what I’m doing is insane, childish, but I don’t know why I do it. It feels like I’d writhe and die if I didn’t act this way.
I torment you less because of you than to ease my own restlessness—otherwise I would have gone completely mad by now! You scold me so much, tell me to read, to write, to work, but nothing comes of it.
From the very beginning, I’ve tried a thousand times in a thousand ways to distance myself mentally from you by thousands of miles, but I can’t! And now it’s not just me—you’re utterly exasperated too. Seeing my own madness terrifies me; I truly don’t know where I’m heading! Only Allah knows where I’m going!
You don’t love me even a little, you know! Please push me away, push me far away, so that the pain accumulating inside me for you will help me move far from you. Otherwise, if I continue like this—I’ve already gone mad, my future is already ruined—I’ll drive you mad along with me. I absolutely won’t let you carry any share of my suffering. If I did, it would prove false my claim that I love you.
You know, the way I act, all this madness I do—why are you never afraid of me? How do you remain so carefree? What if I do something terrible, or what if I actually go completely mad someday? What would you do then? I know—nothing. You’ll simply go on living well in your own way.
Here you are, perfectly fine, you have no headaches over me, nothing troubles you at all, you manage all your work just right, anyone else in your place would have gone mad by now from my torments. How do you remain so untroubled? Yet look at me, I can neither write nor read, nor do my other work properly! I’ve become somehow useless at everything! I don’t know what will become of me! What else will happen, whatever I’m doing, that’s what will happen!
If a person truly loves someone, it’s impossible for them to remain silent for so long, no matter what happens. This alone reveals everything…how far anyone’s love really goes! And yes, I’ve taken up the most useless of tasks, I have no real work. That’s why I spend all my time chasing after futile things like love. I have no sense of self-respect whatsoever. Had I even a shred of respect for myself, I wouldn’t have become so shameless.
I remain however you want me to, whenever you want, I never raise my voice, and still I had to witness all this! All this time I had forgotten that you have a separate life, with which you will never involve me. I only make mistakes! I always make mistakes in everything! Now it seems, even if I were to die, whatever happens to me, it wouldn’t matter to you at all, you wouldn’t even bother to check if I’m alright!
I am worthless. I have no qualities within me. I am good for nothing! I have no ability to do anything, not even those natural abilities that come with being born a woman. I’m just a talentless waste. Yet all my life I’ve blamed others; I never acknowledged my own shortcomings, my incompetence. I’m just an empty vessel! Everyone should garland me with shoes and make me stand in the middle of the crossroads to spit upon. That’s what I deserve!
Reflection: Eight hundred eighty-four
………………………………………………………
One. You never understood any of this restlessness of mine, or this pull I feel toward you. I don’t want you to leave your work and give me time or understanding. Though what would it matter if I did!
But how do I end up telling you all this! Well, I say whatever’s on my mind. I don’t live with such complications.
I’ve grown accustomed to seeing you with that person from your household. I don’t possess jealousy. I consider everyone in your family as my own.
You’ll say I’m suspicious…I say, listen. The one we love very, very, very much, we fear losing them more. This isn’t suspicion. If there were suspicion, there would be no love. It would have ended long ago! Yes, I admit that this fear of mine sometimes disturbs your peace.
I have lost you!…I feel like going out right now to wherever there are COVID patients, touching them all so that this time I might be afflicted not with the disease called you, but with the disease of actual death!
Forgive me. Stay with whoever pleases you. I will never speak out of turn again, not even by mistake.
Don’t mind me saying this, but let me tell you something. You will receive much love in your life—of this I’m certain. But I don’t think any other woman will love you as selflessly and purely as I have. Behind almost every love lies some reason, but behind my love there was no reason at all. When love has so many reasons, it ceases to be love—it becomes commerce.
Even when we calculate everything in life, there’s only one place where we willingly allow ourselves to be cheated. Where, you ask? Where love exists. All my happiness lies in losing to you.
In the mirror where you cannot see me, it’s truly best that I now step away from that mirror. But I’ll say this much—you may find many others, yet no one will remain year after year having received nothing like what I gave you. Mark my words.
The one whose face you see in the mirror and who can see you—may you both be well. Best wishes!
I’ve said too much. I won’t apologize. It’s better to speak all that’s in one’s heart before the one you love… oh sorry… used to love! Happy now?
You’ll be fine without me anyway, so I won’t say more… stay well!
We might meet sometime, who knows. By then this madness of love will be gone. I made a mistake, cheapening my own precious love so badly…
I saw your post. Well said. You think a lot about relationships. And your thoughts find their way into your writing.
You write, I read, God laughs. Let it be, let’s not extend this conversation further!
Well, can you answer one question? If the Creator won’t grant love in one’s fate, then why give the intense power to love?
Two. Saving someone’s soul is much more important than loving them.
When you’re saying unpleasant things to someone without knowing the fact, it hurts them and lowers their spirit.
It not a good thing to hurt a person with your words without knowing the truth. No religion permits it.
I think, we should respect others’ feelings and never try to attack them by our words.
Three. If you don’t have anything nice to say to a person who doesn’t know you, say nothing. Your words are powerful enough to destroy your soul. Your silence is also powerful enough to save your soul.
Four. Sometimes I think, oh! How much time I wasted on you! Then the very next moment I think, behind whom else would I have wasted it that the time would have felt like time at all!
My tears cannot touch you, you don’t understand the intense love hidden behind my anger. You don’t understand my words either. You’re such an obtuse child!
Now that I’ve gone out of sight, I’ve gone out of mind as well… completely gone! You’ve forgotten me even more than before!
Tell me why? You were out of my sight all this while. I couldn’t see you, we didn’t talk, I never found the courage to speak my heart, never wanted to bother you either. The reason being, just as I fear you, I also revere you. And I wish that even before I ask, Allah fulfills all your desires.
See, even though you were “out of sight,” I never put you “out of mind”! Then why did you? I have no strength whatsoever to forget the old in the call of the new. To me, old is always gold!
Why don’t you understand what’s in my heart? Do you know why my writing turns out beautiful, or why my thoughts become beautiful? There’s only one reason: because in all those thoughts and writings, only you remain entwined.
Take care of yourself. Let your courtyard overflow with love. I won’t say anything more… I love you!
I wait and wait, for when those two check marks will turn blue. You come on WhatsApp, but you don’t look at my messages. You have no time, meaning you have absolutely no time at all… just not for me!
I’m not hoping for anything, let me make that clear! Tell me, what good would hoping do? Can I build a happy home with your love? You are someone’s father, someone’s husband, someone’s child… why should I hope for anything from you? Tell me!
I do hope for one thing from you, and that is this: you will never misunderstand me. You’ll ask me directly, but please don’t just assume things on your own! If you don’t understand me, that’s fine, just please don’t misunderstand me.
And I truly made a mistake in saying “I love you!” to you. Please forgive me if you can. Didn’t you post something just a while ago, where you said that you cannot bear the indifference of the person you love? Death is better than that… I truly agree with you.
Will you pray for me, that the Covid virus will strike me down and finish me off completely! Look, I went out again today; I go out every day, yet why am I not getting infected! I actually want to get infected. That’s why I go out every day!
You know what? Relationships end, but love has no end. It flows on. Only death can put an end to it.
You and I never had a relationship, never had romance either, but I love you or loved you. Yes, from before your marriage. But I didn’t tell you then.
Now for these three months I’ve been saying it too much, too often. So if you don’t magnify the annoyance of these three months against the peace I was able to give you, even a little, all these years, I would be happy. Truly, I have nothing more to say to you.
And I am narrow-minded, so what more can I say! How could you say such harsh words to me! You know, water no longer falls from my eyes, only something aches inside!
This happened when my father was dying. I didn’t cry then. Even if I did, it was very little. I arranged for water to wash father’s body, gave cloth to cover the body, even lit incense sticks before father’s corpse—I did everything myself. I didn’t cry at all, not even a bit. I only felt inside as if someone was continuously striking me hard with stones, which I simply had to endure. And I did endure it.
When you said that it’s not right to associate with the unworthy, that mixing with narrow-minded people makes one’s own mind and mentality small too, then truly I felt as if someone inside me was striking with stones exactly like that day. Just like it felt the day father died. I kept thinking, I loved well enough—was there such great fault in that?
I don’t know what anyone’s love actually accomplishes! I was never in any of these loves before. I’m a terribly home-bound girl. My parents’ wishes have always been my wishes. So I never thought much about such romance. But I truly loved you.
Be that as it may, let me set aside all this talk. No one in this world is like anyone else. Yet we remain beside someone or other, whether in love or drawn by the heart’s pull. In some relationships, we know the ledger of gain remains empty, yet the ledger never closes. Only death closes that ledger.
You are my unbearably intense love, which is entirely selfless. Please don’t misunderstand me. The day you asked me for peace and happiness, I thought long and hard before unfriending you, so that you would suffer no more because of me. What could I do—you wanted peace, so I gave it to you!
I will leave the virtual world behind. I opened Facebook while doing my Master’s. Now I won’t be using it much anymore.
Please forgive me. If you ever remember, call me. I will always be by your side. I’ll delete this account too. You are so very good. And you were my love for many years. Truly, you are far too good! I am not worthy to remain by your side as your beloved.
I ask forgiveness once more. Take care of yourself.
*Reflection: Eight hundred fifty-five*
………………………………………………………
And yes, one more thing. I haven’t drawn close by saying I’ll go far. I haven’t kept you so carefully in my memory by saying I’ll step away. I am not like the others. So please don’t make that mistake. I ask nothing of you, I only say—let me love you, don’t take away even this small right.
Acquaintances with others on Facebook can end on Facebook itself. But look, I’ve traveled this entire path alone, just for you! I’ve quarreled with many people—with those who speak ill of you.
Don’t put me in the same category as the others, please. I am a little different. People are made of both bad and good. If I’ve behaved badly with you, if I’ve caused you pain, forgive me, but don’t tell me to go far away. I will truly die if you say that.
I will stay far away, but still let me love you. I want nothing more, I only want to love you.
I am not like other women. So please don’t lump me together with them. I have remained for many years without getting anything, so I won’t leave so easily. I’ll hang around you like a restless spirit.
I love you, my person! Among these eighteen crore people, I love only you.
I do love you! Wash your hands, drink hot tea. No need to reduce your belly. A paunch is the mark of a respectable man!
Okay sorry, I won’t say anything more!
I’ll fill up notebooks with writing… yet I won’t tell you anything. Bye bye… farewell…
This “I” afflicted with the malady called “you”—you have never even looked back at me. So this afflicted self has remained well for a long time with this incurable disease. I keep the malady locked away with lock and key so no one can see it.
I write down many things about you, but don’t feel like speaking them. I prefer to remain silent. All things expressed are less beautiful, and all unexpressed things are more beautiful.
I don’t know if you remember. Three years ago… or it must be four. It would have been before your wedding.
One dawn during the Fajr prayer, there was an earthquake. I’ve forgotten what it measured on the Richter scale. But I remember this much — the building swayed for a very long time. I couldn’t even stand upright. Your name was the first thing that came to my mind, and I immediately called you on your mobile. Believe me, I called you at that early hour without even thinking what you might make of me for phoning at such a time, and I ran outside barefoot in one breath.
Only one thing worked in my mind then, in that drowsy state: if you didn’t feel the earthquake and something happened to you, my survival would become difficult. I can bear it if the person I love doesn’t love me back; but how could I accept that something terrible had happened to the person I love?!
You called that morning and asked, why did you phone? I said, are you alright? You said, yes. Believe me, until I could hear that you were safe, the entire time passed in restlessness.
I swear by my God, I never want to explain how much I love you. I only know this — you are my word “love,” you are my entire world. You are my sacred love. You are my fierce love, you are my everything!
Why don’t you understand my love! If you don’t understand, then don’t! This person has no heart at all… and it’s him I’m sitting here with my whole heart given!
Listen, the girl who called to wake you during that earthquake — she truly loves you, and loves you selflessly.
During those brief moments of earthquake, people stay busy saving their own lives; and here you remain embedded in my head and heart as love itself, so I make no mistake in thinking of you.
After earthquakes, many people inquire. But during the earthquake, only the beloved calls to rouse you. Think about these words.
I wrote a letter that night at half past three. I cried a lot and wrote. You weren’t beside me, yet all my writing was about you. I’ll send you the letter, read it when you have time, because perhaps after this I won’t pester your ears anymore saying I love you like this, or I might even die.
Of course, if I die, nothing will happen to you, I know. You’ll think to yourself instead, thank goodness! One fewer person to bother me! Some unworthy soul has departed! …you’ll think such things.
I wanted to put the writing in an envelope and deliver it to your address. But in case I don’t survive, I sent it by messenger instead. I placed all my love, all my feelings in your hands.
Only when I’m dead will you understand…what I was, and how much I loved you even without receiving your love!
Because I love, I keep returning to love…
Is your happiness then in keeping me constantly bound in love, embracing me against your chest, touching me with the intense caress of joy?!
In this beautiful moment of love,
Without bringing the tune of separation to mind,
Being generous like the sky,
Will you say you’ll love me?
I love this angry and rotten person of mine!
Thought: Eight Hundred Eighty-Six
……………………………….
One. I’m missing you terribly…though I rarely miss you, because you always remain in my mind and brain. How can I miss someone who’s always within me! But today I’m missing you too much…see, I’m crying hard…
You don’t know, so many years of mine have passed without you! I’m doing well enough, I’m not unwell anymore.
Why didn’t you understand me even a little? Why didn’t you see the love behind my anger?
Why did you simply assume that my stepping away meant I had forgotten how to love?
Why did you never once ask me to come back?
Why couldn’t you see the fierce love that lay behind my complaints?
Why did you assume that stepping away necessarily means forgetting?
Why did you trap me in such harsh, unyielding words? Why can’t I return even when I want to?
When I cower in fear that someone might take you away, why don’t you send another version of yourself to me?
Don’t you know that I love you with an intensity that borders on the unseemly? Why must everything conform to your notion of beauty? Show me one reason, and I’ll accept it.
Why did you speak of peace and comfort—things that required me to step away in order to give them to you?
I love you deeply. I may not be worthy of you, but if I love you from afar, would that too be a problem for you? If you want to lodge complaints or pass judgment with someone, then do so. And if someone sentences me to death for the crime of loving you, I have no objection—I’m willing to die. Won’t you come to see me even once…before I die?
That day you said you loved me! That day you said we would meet again…have you forgotten everything?
Why do you think that I would ask you for yourself when I’m with you?
Hey, you know what, believe me—I still love you today! I love you so much! I love you too much! I love you with everything you are! I swear by my Lord, I love only you…!
Take care of yourself, be careful. Without you, all loves are dead to me now…
Two. You were so woven into everything of mine that no matter how hard I try, I cannot extricate you from there. You seem entangled in everything I am, in that old way of being. You’re still in all my passwords, you’re everywhere in my phone, and you’re in this very me that is me. In every corner of my mind…those spaces have been reserved in your name since long ago!
You know what one thing is? This isn’t childhood love, so forgetting is difficult. And since this love began by my own hand, the choice to end it is certainly mine. You know, these days love has become so cheap! Especially in this virtual world—if you want, you can easily find love or find someone. These days it takes no time to say “I love you,” and just as little time to forget. That’s why love floats in the air nowadays.
Well, tell me something…with a very calm mind, with a steady brain…sitting alone in a room, thinking quietly, tell me…having received nothing at all, what hope kept me by your side all these years? I understand very little about profit and loss. But does anyone really stay by someone’s side for so many years without receiving anything at all?
I truly don’t know what my gain was. There was love and there is love—that’s all I know.
You know what, there’s something called fate; I believe in it somewhat now. My forehead itself isn’t smooth, hence so many obstacles. Even when I stay quiet today, people misunderstand. The moment someone wants it, I leave them in peace and comfort as they deserve and go far away. When I feel like connecting with someone, I do so exactly as they would like. Yet even then, I’m the only one at fault!
Alas, if only that person understood a little—that I am not worthy of them, I know this all too well!
It’s precisely because I know this that I never once mistakenly wished for them by my side in this life.
It’s because I know this that I never waited for their phone calls.
It’s because I know this that even in five years, I never asked for love in return for my love.
It’s because I know this that I never even made the simple request to meet.
It’s because I know this that I never deliberately appeared before them.
It’s because I know this that despite loving for more than five years, I never called them by any special name.
It’s because I know this that I’ve kept their family in my prayers alongside them, constantly.
And it’s because I know this that I watched them become someone else’s, right before my eyes.
It’s because I know this that I never sought an opportunity to go to them alone in my solitary room, in my solitary time, never even by mistake.
My love is very pure. I never wanted to make this pure love into something cheap. That’s why I loved from afar, pouring out my heart and soul. Though I never spoke the word “love” in my every utterance, love was woven into my every action and still is—whether in prayers for children or in the solitude of my room, seeking their happiness from the Creator in exchange for my tears. Yes, love for them was and is entwined in all my deeds and prayers.
I loved knowing everything. I loved accepting everything. When my beloved person insists on peace…then to give them peace as a gift, one must go away somewhere far. Those who know how to give must give many things. Sometimes one must even give away one’s own life with a smile. Sometimes one must step away and say, “Look, here I am leaving both your peace and your comfort with you today as I go, leaving only these two behind. You stay well with peace and comfort.”
Today, as I leave, I will harbor no complaints. Before leaving, I’m taking with me only some of your photographs and these memories of five years; these are now my constant companions! Stay well. Take care of yourself. May I hear the sound of your laughter from afar. And listen, wherever you go, keep peace and comfort by your side. I’ve carefully left my place for them. Stay very, very well.
Listen, one more thing—may I call you by that name once more, as I used to? That name I gave you. Do you remember? “My old man”…that name. May I call you by this name one last time? Will you be angry with me if I mistakenly call you by this name at this moment? Please don’t be angry! Only you have the right to be angry, “my old man”! You don’t need to love me, you don’t need to remember me, there’s no necessity to hold onto my memory either.
Just one thing I’ll say before leaving—read it in solitude when you have time, and it is this…
After thousands of quarrels, sulking, hurt feelings, harsh words, or even bullets, words come to rest in one sentence, all of them find their ending there; and that is… I love and have loved you so very much!
Thought: Eight hundred twenty-seven
………………………………………………………
One. Luchi, roasted duck curry, pickles! When you invite someone, sir, this is what you invite them to! What good is such an invitation to me, one that won’t diminish your wallet’s health even a bit? Why are you being miserly? Do you take me for a fool?
Two. Some words…
I’m writing some words, I don’t know why I’m writing them. How you’ll receive this writing is your personal matter. And how I’ll receive certain matters is my personal matter. Keep this in mind as you read.
No complaints, anger, resentment, judgments… none of these. I’m doing none of that. I’m simply stating certain things. They could have gone unsaid, but it’s better to say them. Rather than worrying about how this might make someone feel, it’s better to ensure clarity from my own end. Even if you were sitting right in front of me, I wouldn’t say these things argumentatively or rudely. I would say them quite naturally.
There’s no reason left to think that my perspective will change after seeing your reaction. None means truly none.
Yesterday I wrote something, which you’ve read. I said clearly there that more urgent than getting answers to many questions from you is knowing whether you’re truly alright. I neither hope nor think that I’ll spend my days happily after trapping you in a web of questions and extracting answers. I love you, which means your well-being matters more to me than receiving love from you.
My job isn’t to create disturbance but to reduce your disturbance—I’ve said this before. And I read your piece from yesterday. What was it called… coexisting with suffering… something like that? That must be it. I read it carefully; it’s a good piece. And reading it, I didn’t think it was about fictional characters. Someone exists, whose anger you called to appease. You even talked to them all night on the phone. That’s what you mentioned in the beginning!
Now let’s come to the real point. As soon as I read your piece, I thought, wait, I had blocked her and left. I was gone for fifteen days. Why didn’t it occur to her even once then to call and see what had actually happened to me! Why did she behave this way with me after five years, why did she do something like blocking me! Why didn’t this question come to your mind then? Not even once, not even by mistake?
Today I’m going to say some harsh things, you’ll have to listen. Keep every word in your mind. Don’t include me in your writing, I don’t want to be there. Ten years from today, give yourself these answers. What you did to me, and what I did to you.
Reading your status yesterday truly pleased me. You think about him so much! Someone’s leaving affects you so deeply… seeing all this has made many decisions easier for me. I’ve been smiling since morning. I’m truly laughing from my heart. This also makes me laugh—that love itself has become cheap these days!
Now let me say something, listen; even if you don’t like it, listen. When the time comes, read these writings and see. And you always think you’re the only one who’s right, everyone else is wrong. When you truly think this way, I just say one thing in my mind: time will give all the answers. Wait and see!
From the time I’ve known you or started loving you, you were unmarried. If I had wanted, I could have pestered you constantly by talking about love. Even if not pestering, I could have at least spoken of love daily in messages or calls. Without thinking whether your answer would be yes or no, I could have done that if I wanted. But no, I did nothing of the sort.
Why do you ask? Didn’t I tell you… I wanted exactly this—that you should have the one you love; truly, this is what I wanted. This was my desire. Yes, truly this was my desire, which is why I never spoke of my own love. And the deeper a love runs, the less it reveals itself. Love’s purest expression lies not in words but in silence. When you truly love someone, nothing is harder than saying “I love you!” out loud.
You said yesterday that you truly love me. Well, why are you saying this? Have I really asked you for anything? I am not greedy. If I had wanted something, I would have asked before your marriage. Because I am not greedy, I want nothing from you. Whether you truly love me or not—that will show in your actions, not in words.
Know this: there’s one thing I never compromise on with anyone—and that’s behavior. With whomever I associate, I observe one thing above all: how that person behaves toward me. Before I consider what kind of person someone is, I see how they treat me, how they act with me. Because every human being is a mixture of good and bad, so I don’t usually examine all that. And good behavior doesn’t mean that you invite me for meals, send me gifts, call me frequently, put me on a pedestal… no, no, not these things. I don’t need all that.
I don’t need invitations; I do hope for at least a little decent treatment. The reason is simple: I have never treated you badly.
Today I feel like examining myself! Where exactly am I! When I love you, it means I love both your flaws and your virtues, and I love selflessly. You know this. Because I love you, I give you the freedom to say many things to me, to hurt me, to neglect me, or to be angry with me. You live in my feelings, not in my revenge.
But see, I can give a person ninety-five chances, or I do give them. After that, I don’t give the remaining five. I close that path. I remove myself from that person then. This brings nothing to that person, just as it brings nothing more to me. And my love was selfless to begin with. There were no conditions here, no expectations of receiving anything, and I didn’t consider society in this either.
I can now console my mind with this thought: you have many others, you don’t need me by your side. You have many people to give you love, and even if you need a character for your writing… they are there! And I don’t want to waste any words on someone for whom love is cheap.
And I cannot help but speak about these women. I feel ashamed for them. Because love itself isn’t a bad thing. What’s bad is their excessive need to understand everything and their cheap emotions. Look, it’s well known—you have a home, a family, children, and you have responsibilities toward all of them. Surely you would never even think of leaving them and going somewhere else. But see how these women behave—how beautifully they keep expecting your time, phone calls, messages day after day! They’re driving themselves mad wondering whether you think of them or not! What more can I say about them!
They love you—that’s fine. And you are indeed someone worthy of love, but it feels wrong when they sit there expecting time, phone calls, meetings from you, saying “I love you, I love you.” Shame, shame! Such endless expectations!… Because of women like them, people nowadays are forgetting selfless love and becoming accustomed to fake love. Because of them, people’s happy homes are being destroyed. Because of them, people can no longer see true love and are necessarily chasing after illusions.
Now you’ll bring up my case! Why do I still love you today? Well, listen—I’m not a woman with such a sick mentality like them. I’ve loved you since before your marriage. And I’ve never bothered you for phone calls or meetings. Women like them and their kind of love don’t have a chance of standing anywhere near me. Truly, they don’t. You can verify this yourself!
So if you compare me with these worthless women, you’ll be making a mistake; the Creator won’t forgive you for such an error. And I’ve kept those words of yours in my head—everything you said to me that night.
To forget you, I won’t need to bring someone else into my life or get involved with anyone else. I can step away simply by thinking that now you have many others whom you want very much. This one reason is enough!
My love for you remains. Let this beautiful, socially acceptable relationship continue. If you don’t want it, then let even that not exist. I have no problem with that. I have no problem with anything of yours. I am quite strong on my own. If I could manage all these years without your love, I can manage the rest of my days too!
May these words of mine today never, even by mistake, be misinterpreted in your thoughts. Let my respect for you remain. The love is no longer there now, because my love isn’t so cheap, and I don’t want to cheapen it either. But don’t you dare think I’m asking you for anything. I just needed to clarify one thing—where I stand. And I’ve figured out the answer myself. You stay with those worthless women. From today onward, at least I’ll be able to sleep peacefully. Right now, sleep is more necessary in my life than love.
The nights you spent sleeping, I spent those very nights soaking my pillow with tears. My Creator is witness to everything.
Before leaving, let me say one thing… I hate you!
Thought: Eight Hundred and Eighty-Eight
………………………………………………………
One. As I write this, the call to prayer echoes all around. Believe me, tears are simply flowing from my eyes… what a tender feeling wrapped in melancholy! I feel terrible. Really! I never wanted to love anyone… yet to fall in love like this—I didn’t understand before.
Why don’t you see my messages?
Why don’t you reply to my texts?
Why don’t you answer my calls?
Why don’t you wish me good morning-afternoon-evening-night?
Why don’t you talk to me even when you’re online?
Why don’t you meet me?
Why is your phone switched off?
Why do you say hurtful things to me?
Why don’t you love me?
…No, I will never ask you for answers to all these whys, the way others do. You are my entire world, and all my love is wrapped around that.
If the person I love falls ill from being pierced by a barrage of questions, what would I do with all the answers to these questions!
Listen, I don’t need answers to all these questions. Before that, just tell me this one thing—are you truly all right? That’s it, that’s the answer to everything for me.
I understand very clearly now that love doesn’t mean putting someone in pain, but pulling them out of pain. Love doesn’t mean keeping you in distress while I extract answers to all my questions from you, but rather becoming the primary source of all your peace.
What use is such love that makes a happy person unhappy and then tries to rescue them from there? Wouldn’t it be better to remain happy without loving at all? Of course, whoever understands this simple logic never falls in love by mistake. So there’s no point in saying such things to someone consumed by love.
Love is a very complex matter that not everyone can love the way it should be loved. Whether I’ve managed to or not, you know best.
I’ve come to you not to win, but simply to love. For me, there’s no greater victory than losing in love’s demands.
Two. The easiest thing in this world is to misunderstand someone. You’re walking down precisely this easy path. I look at you and smile to myself. After everything, I still search for you in every aspect of life. Drowning in this night’s silence, I suddenly remember—you’re there, filling both my eyes!
You know, just thinking that my love should never become a source of annoyance for you, I’ve remained silent for years upon years.
My love doesn’t mean becoming a thorn in your path, but removing the thorns from your path.
My love doesn’t mean imprisoning you, but setting you free in the open sky that belongs to you. If you return, I’ll know the bird was truly mine. If you don’t return, I won’t cry. I know the bird stayed with me for quite some time.
My love doesn’t mean wanting to see you every day or calling you. When someone has taken residence in the kingdom of my heart, what more is there to see! I don’t want to bother you, I just want to love you. I want that when my face floats up in your mind’s eye, it awakens not annoyance but tenderness in you.
I don’t want us to talk on the phone every day. I don’t want you to give me time by abandoning your work. I want you to finish all your work and rest peacefully. I don’t want to be the person who forcibly snatches away your moments of rest. If I can just understand that you belong to me anyway, that makes me very happy.
I do not want to make you old. I want to love you anew each day, in new forms, on new paths.
Rather than our talking, what matters more is this: that we understand when, what, how, and why we each wish to say something to the other.
May there never be the slightest flaw on my part in loving you. May the Creator be my help.
We have no need for the kind of performative love that’s fashionable these days. We both have only one desire: that we may understand each other, not misunderstand, and that this love may remain unbroken until death.
It has never seemed necessary to us to parade our love at every ghat and crossing. We know that love exists today and is gone tomorrow. So we have embraced what is difficult. And what remains with both of us is only one thing… love.
I do not want to be your first; I want to be your last.
I do not want to be a companion in happiness, but in sorrow.
I do not want to be the cause of your unrest, but of your peace.
I do not want to be your tears, but the one who wipes them away.
I do not want to be your illness, but the balm for it.
I do not want to be the reason you fall apart, but the pillar that helps you stand strong.
And you—just remain my everyday love, won’t you?
Thought: Eight Hundred and Ninety-Nine
………………………………………………………
One. Yesterday you asked me to come to your heart. Here’s what I say: whoever makes you happy, keep them close to your heart. I have no objection. Stay with whoever makes you feel good. Your well-being is what makes me happy.
And when you feel like crying or when you’re deeply sad, then come to me. Rest your head on my lap and cry for a while, beloved. I have learned to receive all your tears.
Whether I can do anything else or not, I can cry with you, I can wipe away your tears, I can ease your pain, even if only a little. Don’t share your happiness with me, but at least give me a share of your suffering.
I will ask for nothing in return. I won’t even ask for you. Make time and come to me. Whether I can come or not, you come. If I change, then bring back this old me on that day. No matter when, where, or how I am, I’m always ready to return to the starting point for you… just call me once and see!
O my love, I truly, truly love you so much! So much… never search for its depths, for if you do, you will be frightened!
Two. A characterless good friend is far more useful than a virtuous bad friend.
Three. You were nowhere in my life. Not in daily phone calls, in romance, in meetings, or in any relationship… you were nowhere! Yet tiny dots began to accumulate gradually. Suddenly they transformed into love, one-sided though it was! Time passed after that. I developed no habit of you, nor of your love. I tried very coolly to understand—no, it’s better not to have them! Whatever else may happen, at least the love will remain!
More time passed. I see that I feel terribly, terribly bad about this person. Every day of the week, every hour, this person sits quietly inside my brain. I thought very, very deeply. I realized that even without having them, I continue to love them. Since I’m going to continue anyway, what does it matter whether they know or don’t know!
In the process of loving, love grew deeper and deeper. There is no fear of losing them, not in the slightest! How can I lose someone I never had!
Every beat of this heart is for you alone. Every breath of this body is for you alone. I live only for you. Now tell me—who are you to me?
The person who means nothing to me becomes my everything! The one I can never have is the only one I couldn’t live without in this life!
I watched you for a long time. In this long time, I saw that you belong to someone else. You are not mine even for a moment, not mine even by mistake, not mine even in exchange for my thousand tears, not mine even after eight years of waiting. Truly, you are not mine today, were not yesterday, and will not be tomorrow. You were never mine and never will be. You are never mine, and never will be!
That you were never mine and never will be—this can be accepted, but continuing to love with this feeling is not easy at all. Only the one who loves knows! Like Ayub Bachchu, I want to say… I love to suffer, that’s why I run to you! …Yes, that’s truly it!
I endure everything you give me because I love you. What a thirst burns in these eyes just to glimpse you!
What a strange distance lies between us! Yet I have come to know clearly that whatever the distance, only your reign exists in my heart. Sometimes I suddenly think, let whatever be between us! The time has come to bid farewell to love!
If I could wake up and turn to see your face beside me, then much of my happiness would be found!
You want peace? Come close and stay. There is no peace in inboxes, only words; and words mean nothing but misunderstandings. I have every quality needed to give you peace by staying with you.
You know, I never felt the urge to speak with you at night. Rather than words that bubble and boil with evening emotions, each of my days has begun by saying “good morning” and loving you at dawn. I haven’t said much about “being by your side,” yet I have remained for quite some time.
It never occurred to me that loving you meant I should ask for you, yet you have remained as love itself. When you love, you don’t need to stay—when you love, you simply keep on loving.
Four. There are two kinds of teachers:
Those who give certificates out of obligation,
Those who give certificates out of persistence.