Reflection: Two Hundred and Sixty.
……………………………………..
1. Next door, a tiny little thing named ‘Safa’ is calling her father……Ayyyy ayyyy aaai Safa’s Abbbuuuu……..!
2. If A’s photograph is taken for B’s sake, giving it to C would be unfair to B and an insult to C…….However, if A’s photograph is taken casually, then it can certainly be given to anyone from B to Z.
3. We are actually far more alone than our imagination can conceive of solitude, and far more alone than our hearts can feel solitude. Thank goodness we don’t know the depths of the loneliness we live in! If we knew, staying alive might become impossible!
4. Constant pain from a being or object we love intensely slowly moves that love from the heart to the brain. Then the heart no longer feels any love for that being or object—only the brain remembers that love…was, is, or will be. The question is, can lifeless objects also cause pain? Hmm, they can. Sometimes that pain even surpasses the pain we get from living, breathing beings.
5. Lies we must hold as truth, and truths we must hold as lies—these can never be life’s ‘necessity.’ Perhaps it’s better to call them life’s ‘unnecessity’!
6. People who cling to life unwantedly, or those completely severed from it……are they causing needless pain?
Slanderers spending hours upon hours in slander? The very act being slandered actually never happened? Those who commit wrongs are getting applause, while despite a thousand efforts, we cannot prove our innocence?
Argh, damn it all! Forget everything!
What’s the need to struggle so hard to prove oneself innocent? This very fact that they can’t understand—that the act simply never happened—even this has a solution……Hmm!
Some wrongdoing that harms no one can be committed right along with the slanderers!
Then, seeing good people actually do wrong, the slanderers will finally stir into action!
Those who chewed cud without food will finally get something to feast on!
Done!
Now let the slanderers slander someone’s truly ‘reprehensible’ deeds!
Let those who are good live comfortably in their goodness!
7. When we focus specifically on one thing, we can still see many other things around it. While talking to someone looking into their eyes, if they gesture with their hand, we can see it without looking directly at it.
The same applies to life……..
The same holds true for relationships.
Beyond the specific focus of any relationship, the periphery—up to a certain expanse—remains quite visible.
8. Do you think blocking someone makes you brave?
You don’t do it well. You block,
then unblock again—what’s the point of that?
Do I call you a thorn in my eye for nothing? Such pride people have!
Oh come on,
I’m not going to fall in love with you. It’s just an old habit of mine to annoy you,
so I do it. My madness won’t harm anyone. Not even you, and not me either.
Everything I’ve been saying all this time…everything will keep spinning in your head. You’ll waste time thinking about me. I’ll be there like a shadow in everything. You won’t be able to tell anyone, you’ll just burn alone. You’ll burn and burn until you become ash. Let this be your punishment.
What kind of electricity are you!
I feel like
grabbing you by the scruff and making you looooong
and shoving you inside an electric wire!
You’ll live as the positive inside the wire, embracing the negative, trembling and quaking as you live. Huuuhhh!
9. One sister is constantly wailing after buying her daughter a very expensive packet of chocolates! Because
her daughter ate one chocolate and won’t eat anymore…the more expensive the chocolate,
the less the taste!
I said, “Oh sister!
Why are you angry?
You should be happy!”
“What?
I should be happy!?
I spent so much money on that chocolate box!
And now she says it doesn’t taste good and won’t eat another one,
and you’re telling me to be happy!?
Does money grow on trees?”
(Actually she meant to say “trees”
but said “buttocks” instead,
and in her rage, trying to say “buttocks”
she ended up saying “on buttocks”!
Hehehe)
Yes, you should be happy…because just think, if she had enjoyed this chocolate,
she would keep asking for this expensive chocolate again and again. Oh! You’ve been saved, sister!
“Oh!
That’s actually true!
I really have been saved!”
Heh heh heh…
Thought: Two hundred sixty-one.
……………………………………..
A year ago on this day, Prithibi and Onvi had met. That’s a bit wrong. They hadn’t just met, they had actually arranged to meet. Perhaps an unwanted meeting for Prithibi, but for Onvi…a longed-for one.
Repeatedly getting stuck on Prithibi’s conditions,
for meetings to happen,
more than a year had passed. Finally Prithibi had agreed to meet without conditions.
“Do you still have those books?” “I don’t know…”
The books were with Onvi. She didn’t want to embarrass Prithibi by returning the gifts he had brought with such effort. Even an old gift from a loved one can be received like new. How carefully a lover keeps her beloved’s used, half-washed t-shirt,
sometimes smelling it, sometimes holding it close to her chest with tender affection.
“I have some observations,
when I get home I’ll tell you in a message…no,
I’ll call and tell you.”
Prithibi still hasn’t had time to speak. He’s still thinking about what observations he could share!
365 days. Such a long time…so long…Onvi is still waiting…to hear those observations.
The burden of keeping a promise given to someone beyond the realm of feeling………what does it matter if centuries pass!
“What are you looking at? Why are you staring?
Should I be ashamed?”
You had said. What,
Earth? Do you remember? Or are you thinking………so many seekers come,
and go! Does one remember it all?
Whatever you
may say, face to face you’re quite shy! Hehehe……I still remember, you were speaking those words that day while feeling embarrassed!
Well, when you first saw me, why did you stare in such amazement for a few seconds!?
Oh dear, you were struck dumb, thinking that………for the next several minutes (but,
felt like……a few years!)
you’d have to spend time with this ***!
Well sir,
there weren’t a hundred locks on the door, so why didn’t you run away? Huh?
For one moment you gave a sexy look! I saw it though! Fortunately,
you didn’t give that look a second time! Otherwise I wouldn’t have limited myself to just staring! Hmm!
I really wanted to throw your mobile into a restaurant juice blender and blend it up!
Then serve you that juice…….hmm…….people get so many phone calls!
The way you placed your hand on your chin with that special intent………ugh, it would have taken my breath away!
Mister! I was just pulling your hand out from your shirt sleeve!
Such an expression he had………as if I were unzipping his pants!…..huh!
(Ugh
I had already claimed those hands of yours long ago!
Now he’s acting coy with me using my own hands!
Eh!)
“No,
no, please don’t pull my hair…….you can tug and pull anything else as much as you want!
No problem!”
Ugh I really wanted to pull your hair………and I did pull it!
But I wanted to pull it just a little bit more!
I wanted to bite! I wanted to bite your ear too!
“What does she mean?
Is she crazy?
I haven’t even fed my wife with my own hands yet……if I fed her……she would absolutely die of happiness!………and this girl says she won’t eat anymore!”
Hmm, it felt so good………eating from your hand…….somehow it felt so tender and caring!
I wanted to eat your hand along with the chicken……..
“Oh
this month is your birth month!
Wow! What date?”
Just a perfunctory question!
So the answer was unnecessary.
“I didn’t know you were this hot! Then…….”
“I couldn’t understand you would do this!
Then I wouldn’t have come here, I would have gone somewhere else…….”
Ugh what did I do? Huh?
I didn’t do anything! How strange!
If I had done everything I wanted to do……..that would have been good!
Hmm!
“Why did you talk so much to the waiter?”
Why? Why shouldn’t I say it? I asked for one coffee, why would they bring two?
What would have happened if I’d asked them to take the coffee back?
Would I have lost face? Is prestige really that fragile? What would they think?
That I’m making a fuss over the price of just one coffee!? I could have paid for that coffee along with an extra tip for the waiter!………They would have acknowledged their mistake! You didn’t let them acknowledge it!
I wanted to crawl under the table, take off your shoes,
and bite your feet……so badly!
You know, I was looking at you the whole time,
wasn’t I!?
Well, what was that ‘looking’ expressing!? Didn’t you understand anything?
“What color dress are you wearing? Black?”
“No,
yellow!”
“If you’re lying then……”
Hehehehe……
I saw you that day………you couldn’t even recognize me! While we were talking, I just slipped past and walked straight into the restaurant!
I feel a bit embarrassed now………writing all this!
(About the tip, your delay in the washroom, going to buy books—I’ve mentioned these before; so I won’t repeat them.)
All of this is within the realm of what Earth knows………what remains unknown,
let it stay that way. Let Anbi not speak of such things!
What’s the point of speaking the heart’s words! Speaking them would only cheapen precious emotions………better to keep such words in the heart!
Anbi cannot express any of her feelings.
And Earth………understands not a bit of it.
Pushing against the solid weight of stone-like suffering, catching breath while reaching reality………this is better!
In a dual ironic voice, it says………still, life is beautiful!
Perhaps life………is truly beautiful!
Thought: Two hundred sixty-two.
……………………………………..
One.
18th December.
Madhab, two years ago on just such an October 10th, I first knocked on your door.
Surrendering to the shamelessness of emotion, knocking on this ID too.
What a terribly awful day this must be for you, isn’t it, Madhu?
We’ve never talked, never will…….never met, never will.
Just once, tell me,
Madhu, do you at least know yourself exactly why you feel such irritation toward me?
How much do you despise me?
You certainly can………that’s your affair,
I just want to know the reason.
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is painful indeed!
But thinking conversely, receiving intense love from someone
toward whom you feel not a trace of emotion,
that too must surely be quite painful or irritating for them…….
No one really has the right to cause someone pain without reason!
The thought itself strikes me—
how terribly selfish I am!
It’s not that I won’t be able to forget you!
The truth is, I don’t want to.
Yet I walk the path of silence………today nothing can be said anymore……….all the words and wounds of the heart,
I swallow them within!
Next year on this same day,
where will we two be, who knows!
Stay well,
Madhab………very
well!
I had written so much more. What I wrote taking so much time,
I erased with a single touch!
What good would come of expressing these feelings?
To someone who places no value on my feelings—expressing any emotion to them only cheapens that emotion.
Two.
He was beyond network range………that’s why I couldn’t find him, searching blindly!
Ah! He’s gone to Sajek! Everyone says Sajek is stunning in its beauty!
I’ve never been.
If Sajek were one kind of person, seeing so many people enchanted by its beauty, it would be so happy!
If Sajek were another kind of person, it would be very sad thinking that people love it only because it’s beautiful, and if it weren’t so beautiful………what would have happened.
Fortunately, Sajek is not human! Still and silent nature is always beautiful, yet without vanity. Ah,
if all humans could become such silent, still nature!
Hehehehe……..
Three.
The taste of lemon-Coke still lingers on my lips! Has it been a year!? Really?
It feels
like a lie!
Then again, another way………
Year after year has passed, that meeting from ages ago……..it’s only been a year!?
Really? It feels
like a lie!
The flow of time depends on perception and emotion.
How are you?
Good. You?
Me too.
Baby, what are you doing?
Just sitting. You?
Me too………having
lunch?
No………you?
(A few moments of waiting, no message comes.)
Okay, I’ll call you later.
No no………sorry, darling, say something. I’m here!
(Hihihi……I accidentally saw the texting between the boy sitting next to me
and his girlfriend!
Hihi….and yes,
the love sign was blue colored…..)
: Tsk, girl! You shouldn’t do such things!
: Hihihi I know!
(What I’m doing that’s even worse is this: I’ve written out this entire conversation and left it on my mobile screen, while I gaze out the window. Just keeping an eye out of the corner to see if that boy notices! Hehe… it worked! The boy saw it! Hehehe… immediately he shut down his messaging and started playing games! Hihihihi…)
What I did wasn’t right.
But how right is what they’re doing? A relationship that’s bound to break anyway—why all this lovey-dovey nonsense over it? Kids still wet behind the ears, and they think they’re in love!
(The other self says, Hey you! What’s it to you? Let them do whatever they want!
I say, the happiness I never got in life—I won’t let anyone else have it either. Yes, I’m jealous, any problem with that? Hehe…)
Four.
Just keep eating your wife’s delicious cooking and growing your belly. No problem at all! But where’s mine?
How many love affairs you’ve had in your life! Only God knows! Must be a dozen or so, right? None of that matters! It’s good to have expertise in all directions.
Tell me, couldn’t you find an even worse cover photo, so you put this one up? Why am I not beside you in your picture? Why do you have to post pictures with your wife? Wait, where did I put my watch? I can’t remember. Could you help me look for it?
Those who get married always join the ranks of uncles and fathers. Therefore, you’re an uncle now. Namaste, Uncle! Fair Uncle-ji, do you know that in your picture you look like a ghost? Why don’t you smear some coal on your face and pose—see what a wonderful picture that makes! Dark-skinned boys photograph well. They look somehow sun-tanned. They look sexy!
Hey there, brother! The way you’re gallivanting around with all these boys—what if one of them gives you a shove and knocks you down? You’re such a character! All talk and bluster, but when it comes to action—useless! Whatever! I don’t worry about anyone! I don’t have that much affection in me! I read your writing, so I feel a little concern for you, that’s all! Be careful how you move about, understand, sir? Times are bad, don’t you know? What’s the point of posting about being here and there? Fool! How much more do I have to teach you! You’re absolutely hopeless!
What possessed you to get in a boat without knowing how to swim? Seeing you made my throat go dry with fear! You’re going to need a good gulp of water! Who’s going to pay me for that gulp? Scoundrel, I feel like pushing you from behind into the water! Then I’d start singing… Ah, what joy in sky and breeze! If you fell in the water right now in this cold, how delightful that would be!
Oh brother, listen to me for a moment! I’m very sorry and regretful. Everything I’ve said till now—scratch it all out, okay? In the rush of unbridled emotion, I said whatever came to mind. Bye.
Thought: Two hundred sixty-three.
……………………………………..
One.
(Written one afternoon)
Whether mother’s tea tastes better,
or the wife’s—to avoid getting entangled
in this dilemma is what we call
domestic harmony.
By the way,
I’m coming to the lighthouse
after evening. If anyone’s around that way, we could have a chat. (BCS,
IBA, career and all that—leave those out of our conversation, please!
If you don’t have anything else to talk about with me, then don’t talk at all,
but please, not those topics!)
I see it’s April 19th. Rituparno is truly a masterpiece.
Two.
You know, no one has ever done anything with such emotion for me! What you’ve done,
perhaps you did it on a whim,
or simply to make me happy,
but to me it feels like a dream. That someone could do so much for me—
I can’t get this thought out of my head. No one has ever enchanted me so much. You have. And this “take care” that you write—why do you write these words? Do you know
how hard I try to ensure that no one realizes I’m not well!
But I’ll truly remember today. It will remain in the pages of my memory. Perhaps we’ll never speak again,
never meet again. You’ve left this bit of emotion in my courtyard, and I’ll carefully preserve it. From time to time I’ll take it out,
dust it off,
polish it, and think,
ah, even if it hadn’t been like this, there would have been no harm, and then I’ll put it away again.
All this that I’m writing with such care,
to you it’s just rice and lentils,
isn’t it? But not to me. You told me to take care, and I truly will. And………please, you take care too.
Why did you call me yellow bird?
Yellow bird?
No! I’m not a yellow bird. I’m a dream,
one that everyone sees.
Three.
That agonizing day………
October 27, 2016
Just as I never forget even the smallest joy from the distant past,
similarly, I never forget any sorrow I’ve left behind. I remember it again and again, causing myself pain. The color of suffering doesn’t change,
but the color of the feeling of that suffering does change. The same pain—I feel its transformations over time.
Dwaita often says, “That sorrow which left long ago……causing pure anguish,
why remember it again and again?
Why give yourself such pain?”
I say,
“In repeatedly remembering pain, do I only get pain in return? In the memory of suffering there are lessons, there is also joy. One must know how to seek them out.”
Forgetting pain,
enduring pain, having patience in pain,
finding the right path to freedom from pain, being able to understand and recognize the people around us and the circumstances during times of pain,
if it was deserved suffering, being cautious so that such mistakes don’t happen again……..and so on, and so forth—there is a kind of strength in these things too—in remembering pain, I repeatedly regain that strength.
That’s why we cherish happiness so dearly in our memory……. just as we do sorrow.
I feel such profound anguish for your previous account,
I miss that identity terribly. What a treasury of feelings was lost forever!
Do you remember,
Rudra……I had told
you………about your
account on that autumn afternoon……I was
gripped by a strange fear………I kept thinking, over and over,
something terrible would happen, everything was slipping away………you laughed it off………do you remember,
Ru?
I couldn’t bear the restlessness, so I had confided my apprehension to you………don’t you recall, Ru?
Every single day from that time last October I feel with piercing clarity.
May such days
never come again. May such storms never arise in anyone’s life………not even in the lives of those who brought that tempest into yours.
Some people can be thoughtless and
limitlessly cruel. They can forgive no one but themselves. In a society where such people predominate, justice and rightful claims become mere favors. To dream of such a society is to dwell in a fool’s paradise.
After so many days,
when I logged into my account that day to send a message,
I felt suffocated! I couldn’t stay even for a few minutes………I wanted to read the old messages,
but I couldn’t bear it!
May we never in our lives casually do anything where the punishment for rain must be endured in sunshine—let this prayer remain for us all.
Stay well,
Rudra, very well…….in such a way that you won’t have to suffer even for a single day,
like that.
Four.
Colour Changing Toilet LED Sensor
At first I thought, what difference does it make whether those colorful lights flash there or not!
Then I thought, no, it’s actually quite good………tired of seeing the same colored shit since time immemorial!
Now we can see shit in different colors!
Red, blue, purple shit—the time in the bathroom will pass quite well watching these! (Yummy……)
Colors come and go in life…….even shit wants to change its hue sometimes!
The difference is merely………life, after the game of changing colors ends, truly becomes black and white one day…….shit, no matter how many colors it assumes in its transformations,
after everything,
retains its true color.
Reflection: Two hundred sixty-four.
……………………………………..
I often think,
why should I keep myself in darkness because of others when I’ve been deceived! I had no fault, so why should I torment myself!
That would be deceiving myself too! I should take care of myself, yet instead of doing so, why this constant self-inflicted suffering……this life is mine, so why should I ruin my life by being deceived by others’ betrayal! I don’t want to hurt myself anymore!
I want to be well,
yet why can’t I manage it! How can I be well?
Getting entangled in any relationship,
or falling in love with someone is a very bad thing. Bad meaning,
very bad indeed. If you fall in love with someone, you will no longer be in control of yourself—they will control you. You will be compelled to live according to their preferences. For instance, suppose you love reading books, but they don’t; then you won’t be able to maintain your reading habit. The very books that once made you forget to eat or sleep will start to seem tiresome! Sounds surprising? You love to draw!
So what! Just fall in love and see—you’ll completely forget how to draw! It’s that simple!
You enjoy writing? One day you’ll forget that you were once a good writer—at least good enough to merit a second reading!
Though it may sound laughable, this is the truth. Actually, it’s better to fall in love with someone wiser than yourself. If nothing else,
this provides inspiration to enhance your own abilities, and life becomes much more familiar in the process. But alas!
Human nature is inherently drawn toward error. By this measure, people never truly fall in love with the right person. The one you fall in love with, it’s often seen,
is the wrong person for you, and they will make you forget everything!
I once loved a boy deeply, and I trusted him, believing he would never betray me, but what games fate plays! What I feared most happened to me, and at such a time when, having lost my father and become orphaned, I was completely shattered!
The person I thought would stand by me was busy spending time with other girls during that very period. How those moments passed,
only Allah and I know!
When someone is in pain,
no one else except that person can truly understand the real intensity of that suffering. Only the one who suffers
understands what it feels like—others can merely guess! Isn’t there a saying
that when trouble comes, it comes from all sides… In the midst of all this, how I managed to take my honors final exam,
I cannot even imagine!
I am now trying to forget him,
but I cannot. I have caused myself much pain and don’t want to anymore, though my relationship with him was never really smooth. He constantly suspected me. He couldn’t even tolerate my spending time with my family members or friends. Those times were very difficult, yet I accepted everything; even when
he did many wrong things repeatedly—
despite being in a relationship with me, he would try to get involved with other girls. When I found out about this and showed him proof, he admitted his mistakes, apologized, and asked for another chance,
and I gave him that chance, but what he did afterward is unforgivable!
During the time I thought he would be by my side, I didn’t find him there. Now he’s apologizing again, wanting to make the relationship right,
but I don’t want to give him another chance. The big problem now is
that I cannot make myself understand anything!
Loving him has made me completely senseless. I am reasonably intelligent and
rational, but I’m behaving foolishly with myself!
It feels as though I’ve returned from the very brink of death!
My studies have virtually come to a halt. I haven’t been to university for three months. A month ago, I took 67 different tablets and 8 bottles of syrup all at once. But even then, I didn’t die!
I’ve become terribly ill.
I want so desperately to live.
I’m in such pain! I’ve never lived a life like this before. I used to be so mischievous—all day I’d tease everyone, cause trouble everywhere. And today, why have I, that very girl, become like this!
I’ve fallen completely silent! In an entire day, perhaps five words don’t even escape my lips!
Day and night, tears flow from my eyes without pause. My eyes ache terribly from all this weeping. Even as I write these words,
the tears keep falling and falling. Sometimes I want to cry out loud. But I can’t… why did I have to grow up!
Why is everyone so determined to marry me off?
Don’t people make mistakes? Why doesn’t anyone understand me even a little? Do girls become adults the moment they fall in love? I’m still so young! I still want to roam around in tops and jeans with everyone like before. I’m not yet ready to be a wife, covering my head with cloth,
wearing sarees. Why doesn’t anyone understand this?
Why has everyone become so cruel?
Why can’t anyone see that I’m suffocating in this confined life? I’m still that same little girl,
but why is everyone forcing me to grow up?
Why didn’t Allah send me even one person who could understand me?
I can’t forget him, and I simply cannot bear the girl who’s with him now. I can’t make my family understand what’s in my heart. How will I survive?
I want to live independently, not depending on anyone anymore,
but I can’t find that courage… How do I make myself understand!
Footnote. The scenario above is nothing unfamiliar. It happens to many people. What should this girl do now? Let me tell you what,
do this, sister. Convince your ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend to accept you as a sister through reasoning and persuasion. Then convince your ex-boyfriend to accept you as a second wife. There you go! After that, both sisters can live together in happiness and peace! What?
Can you do it?
Don’t you understand why your family wants to marry you off?
Your father isn’t here, which means the sheltering shade of the banyan tree above your head is gone. Don’t you understand? A fatherless child cannot afford to be naive. Slow down a bit,
bring stability to your behavior. Show your family through your actions that you’re serious about your studies. Then they’ll let you continue your education. Getting married is no solution. Finish your studies, make something of yourself. Your own life comes first. Try to make it beautiful. Love and romance are never greater than life itself.
Reflection: Two hundred and sixty-six.
……………………………………..
I am now 24+. A housewife, a student, a mother. It has been eleven years since I was married, an arranged marriage. My husband is a contractor. Before marriage, I was quite good at studies, could sing well, and used to recite poetry. Due to my father’s sudden financial decline, I wasn’t allowed to take science—science, they said, was too expensive to study. I was enrolled in arts instead, and right then came the marriage—in class nine itself!
Before the marriage, there was an understanding that my in-laws would let me continue my studies and also pursue music. My father’s condition was that no children should be taken within two years of marriage. The wedding took place with these conditions agreed upon. After marriage, everything suddenly changed—they no longer allowed me to continue my education, and within a year I had to have a child. Music was out of the question!
It felt like lightning had struck my head! Three years passed this way. Then one day, while talking to the doctor who treated my child, I mentioned in conversation that I wanted to study, but my family wouldn’t let me study, wouldn’t let me go out, wouldn’t let me mix with anyone. That’s when he enrolled me in the open SSC program and bought me a guidebook, but even that study wasn’t easy for me. Studying at home wasn’t allowed, so I had to study at night after finishing all the work and after everyone had gone to sleep. I couldn’t understand math or English at all—I memorized all subjects by reading test papers for three months, understanding some, not understanding others. Even in those three months, I couldn’t study every day. Every Thursday I would visit my father’s house, and I had to return to my in-laws’ by Saturday afternoon from Friday. I gave my exams this way. The result was 3.75.
When news of my SSC pass came, my husband was initially angry but later agreed about my continuing studies. He also said to get approval from his father, and that’s where the trouble began. My father-in-law said, “Let me think it over!” He kept saying this and that until the admission time passed! I became deeply disappointed. Then I approached a political leader and got admission to a private college. I passed intermediate with music as a subject. I was forbidden from going to any kind of private tutoring, so I studied at home by myself from books, guides, and the internet. The result was 3.92. I had an A+ in music. I thought I would study in the music department at Rajshahi University. I started preparing. But misfortune would not leave me alone.
From 2016, changes came to university admission rules. Those who had passed SSC and HSC from traditional and open systems would not be able to participate in admission tests. Lightning struck my mind! Still, I calmed myself saying I would pursue honors in some other subject. When I inquired, I found the same situation everywhere—I couldn’t even study at National University. I was utterly devastated. On the days I went to take exams, I had to wake up at dawn and finish morning breakfast, lunch cooking, all household chores first—only after completing all the housework would my mother-in-law allow me to go take the exam. When I was studying for HSC, all the household help had been dismissed, so that I would be forced to stop studying under the pressure of work. I was never allowed to rest in the afternoon; if they saw me coming to the bedroom for a moment, they would flare up—”You’re studying, indulging your luxurious whims, what’s all this comfort for?” By the time I reached my room it would be 12 at night, sometimes even later. There was no husband’s chest to cry on, no comforting hand to rest on my head to give me strength. He paid no attention to me at all, only came to me to satisfy his physical hunger. As this continued, my mental stress increased tremendously; I would cry day and night constantly, yet it seemed no one noticed! I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Eventually I developed some psychological problems. Towards the end of 2014, my father came and took me away. After receiving treatment from Paritosh Ghosh in Bogura, I recovered and took my HSC exams.
In 2016, when I saw that I wasn’t getting admission anywhere, I was deeply hurt, because I had neither the means nor the opportunity to study at a private university. During HSC I used to tutor some children privately; with that tutoring money I managed college expenses and books and supplies, but that small amount certainly couldn’t cover private university costs. I couldn’t think of what to do. I just felt like dying! I couldn’t bear that intense pressure in any way, so without thinking of consequences I swallowed seventeen sleeping pills. I had thought, people live with hope after all, so what’s the point of staying alive if there’s no hope in life? I survived that ordeal too! Afterwards I thought, will I waste my life like this? Then I decided, enough, I’ll do something else. I thought about makeup; I secretly sold whatever jewelry I had saved and completed a bridal makeup course from Persona in Dhaka, while simultaneously trying to make contact with someone in high places. Then I found a person who was the former DC of Rajshahi district; he had just been promoted at that time, and I met him at a cultural program. I told him about my problem. He took my papers and spoke with the Education Minister, and assured me, saying, “You keep your goals straight, and know this much—you will study, and that too at National University.” Sir’s words gave me great courage. I had no one beside me to give even that little encouragement.
Later, I finish the course and return home. A few days after, they issue the degree circular, and I apply for it then. I am studying Bachelor of Music in Rabindrasangeet, and alongside that, pursuing an open BA course. The problem in all this is that I’m not permitted to leave home, especially to go to college. My teachers have been made to understand by my family in such a way that they won’t even let me attend classes, and at home I’ve been kept under such pressure of work that I have no strength left in my body. My voice has nearly broken; I cannot sing. From every direction, I have to navigate through adverse circumstances. Then again, I have to teach my child, tutor others, cook, do all the household chores, and go to the market—all single-handedly. I love reading books in my spare time, but that too is disliked by anyone in my in-laws’ house. I have no one to share my thoughts with. I do recitation, take my child to recitation classes—I have to hear taunts about this. I do art, take my child to art classes against the family’s opinion. I draw when everyone in the house is asleep. When my heart is heavy, I sit on the balcony at midnight and read books. Reading brings some peace to my mind.
I cannot escape from this world of mine. Within all this, I must live beautifully. I don’t want to withdraw from these circumstances to do something else, but how to do it, how to prepare myself—I cannot understand. I deeply wish to do something for helpless women and children, to become an ideal woman. I want to shape myself in such a way that seeing me, other helpless girls will find strength in their hearts, so that no one gives up hope, so they fight against adversity and move forward; but how exactly to do this—I cannot quite grasp…
Thought: Two Hundred Sixty-Six.
……………………………………..
My career is finished! Now it’s just surviving, nothing else left in life! I don’t want my life to be ruined this way for a boy! I am being destroyed, but I want to live well! I know I have no qualifications, but I want to become qualified.
Nearly a year has passed since my intermediate studies. When I enrolled at Milestone College, I developed feelings for a boy. He was a good student, focused on his studies. Sometimes the director and class teachers would call Ammu and say right in front of me, “Take care of this girl, she can achieve something good.” My SSC score was 4.89. I know this seems like a poor result to many. Perhaps it was to improve my results that I changed institutions, left Pabna and came to Dhaka. Even today it amazes me to think that hearing my results, even my school teachers had wept. Still I thought, what’s done is done, nothing can be changed now—if I work hard for the next two years, surely I can achieve something good.
But everything fell apart! Life itself turned upside down! My dreams suddenly became hazy, somehow! I couldn’t think anything through. A boy from RAJUK College entered my life, and accepting him was the biggest mistake of my life. Love at the wrong time destroys all the possibilities of the right time, it ruins life itself! Young love is nothing but a charming trap that gradually destroys oneself.
At first, for a few days, everything went fine. Then one day, without any reason, he left me! He said he didn’t like me anymore, apparently he was now intoxicated with love for someone else. I accepted it—he no longer needed me. Fine. But before leaving, he destroyed all my dreams. Since childhood, my dream had been to study at any one of the country’s top three medical colleges.
Before leaving, he told me that I was bad, that I should follow other girls’ examples, that my parents were unlucky because I was their daughter, that whoever becomes my life partner would have his life ruined! Hearing his words, I couldn’t make sense of anything. Just a few days earlier, I had been the best person in the world to him. Most importantly, when he learned that my dream was to study at Dhaka Medical, he mocked me in such a way that it felt as if I had no right or qualification to dream. His parting words were: “You’re a village girl, you’ve come from the village to Dhaka, you’re uncouth and unsmart, study properly!”…His tone carried a disgusting laugh and contempt. After this incident, I kept feeling that perhaps I no longer had the right to live!
I often thought, yes, perhaps I really was bad! I felt hatred for myself. Tears became my constant companion. I didn’t let Ammu and Abbu understand anything, because I’m the only daughter in my family, and everyone loves me dearly. My two aunts and three uncles are all educated; only Ammu didn’t study much. Ammu has suffered a lot for me, she dreams many dreams for me. I want to fulfill Ammu’s dreams. Ammu wants her daughter to accomplish what she wanted to do in life but couldn’t. Just for me, my Ammu endured great hardship and moved from Pabna to Dhaka within fifteen days. To ensure nothing would hinder my studies, Ammu arranged everything. There’s a hostel at Milestone, but for my happiness, Ammu took a house in Dhaka and came here.
My Ammu has taken a small job here to cover my educational expenses. As soon as she returns from the office, she sits down to sew, earning some income from that too. Ammu has to toil with backbreaking work all day long. Ammu is doing this so that I can be well, only for this reason. Yet, what did I do! Shayla Miss at our college, who considered me the best girl in class—what honor did I give to her trust! I broke everyone’s dreams, I broke everyone’s hopes. A boy finished my entire life and left! When a good student gradually becomes a bad student, one can easily imagine how it feels to her and to everyone around her.
I wanted to end it all. I thought I wouldn’t go home again, that I’d jump under a truck while crossing the street. But I couldn’t do it—again and again, Ammu’s face would float before my eyes. I desperately want to live, to dream, to fulfill Ammu’s dreams, to see Abbu and Ammu happy. I want to become someone who, because one person once called them worthless, became good in the eyes of the whole world!
A few words from me. Listen, girl, falling in love at this age will ruin your life—it’s only natural! Thank Allah that you’ve been freed from all that pointless romance before it was too late. The chances of such young love lasting are 0.01% or even less, though while in love, everyone thinks, “This is life!” If you’d continued that romance, you would have wasted time and gradually drifted away from your dreams. The number of students who fell in love during their matriculation and intermediate years and still managed to achieve something worthwhile in life is minuscule—infinitesimal. Well, when you were in love, life seemed colorful then, didn’t it? It didn’t feel so gray then, right? What a fool! Life is actually colorful now! What a narrow escape you’ve had! All this young romance is third-rate stuff—a scheme to waste time instead of studying. Study instead. Your family is working so hard for you, and here you are, floating around in an ocean of love instead of focusing on your studies! Don’t you feel ashamed? Disgraceful! Are you punishing your mother for giving birth to you? Textbook lessons, storybooks in leisure time, extracurricular activities… there’s barely enough time to do these properly—where do you people find the spare time for all this romantic nonsense? You dream of studying at Dhaka Medical—fine. But will they admit you to medical college based on your looks if you keep wandering around aimlessly instead of studying properly? Try to strengthen your basics—these days, even dimwits get A-plus grades. You must get into Dhaka Medical, and if you can’t, life will be over—it’s not like that. Those who’ve been very successful in life weren’t all Dhaka Medical students. Time will tell where you’ll study for your honors. But you can’t slack off during intermediate—you must study properly. Slacking off during intermediate means murdering all of life’s possibilities with your own hands. Now the choice is yours. These young romances aren’t worth two cents. Love at this age simply means slavery to your immature emotions—just killing time with worthless pursuits.