Every human being loves to believe that they are specially blessed, and therefore less likely than others to encounter misfortune and more likely than anyone else to experience good things. “The more negative an event, the less likely it is to happen to me compared to others. The more positive an event, the more likely it is to happen to me compared to others”—this is how people think. We all live on various kinds of hope. What kind of hope? Well, for instance, we simply assume that most of what is going to happen in our lives will be good. Bad things won’t happen to us as much. The relationship we’re in will never end. We won’t get cancer, we won’t face any accidents when we step out on the street. We’ll live long, our careers will turn out wonderfully. In short, we’re accustomed to imagining the most beautiful version of whatever will happen in our lives and to living by clinging to that vision. How much more or less someone harbors such expectations depends on their position, circumstances, and preferences. Beliefs, desires, and hopes determine the nature of human decisions and actions. How so? Let me give an example. Bashir’s family history indicates that his risk of having a heart attack is 30%, whereas a healthy normal person of his age and physical condition has a 25% risk of heart attack. We naturally assume that Bashir is in a very precarious situation. Now, if this same Bashir’s family history were such that his risk of heart attack increased to 35%, while a healthy normal person of his age and physical condition had a 40% risk of heart attack, we would assume that Bashir was in a relatively less precarious situation. And if Bashir’s family had no past history of heart attacks at all, then even if a healthy normal person of his age and physical condition had a 65% risk of heart attack, neither Bashir nor any of us would want to think that Bashir’s physical condition didn’t fall within the remaining 35% possibility. One study showed that if someone’s actual risk of having a heart attack is 60%, but they believe, or are made to believe, that the risk is 30%, then due to their reduced stress level and positive mental framework, the actual risk decreases by at least 10%. Good doctors make patients optimistic about their recovery, and this technique truly does reduce the severity of the patient’s illness considerably.
Various kinds of reasons can lie behind any belief. Take marriage, for instance. Tori believes her marriage will never end in divorce. Why does she believe this? It’s possible there are many rational reasons behind such a belief. These reasons are so solid that the question of divorce simply doesn’t arise. It’s also possible that Tori simply doesn’t want anything to happen in her life that might lead to divorce. She knows little about the factors that determine whether a divorce will happen or not, nor does she have any control over them—the simple fact is that she doesn’t want her marriage to end in divorce. Whatever may happen, she will never be interested in divorce of her own accord. Then again, Tori might also feel that she won’t do anything that could cause a divorce, that she will remain an ideal wife (by her own judgment), but if something happens in her life that makes it impossible to sustain the relationship, then she would consider divorce. In the Western world, the divorce rate is nearly 40 percent. That means, out of every 5 marriages, 2 end in separation. Yet, if you talk to any newly married couple, you’ll find they believe their marriage will never end in separation. If you ask two people who are in love, you’ll get the same kind of answer. They believe their love is eternal. It’s from this deep belief that they build their relationship. Yet, if you investigate, you’ll discover that 85 percent of romantic relationships end in separation or breakup.
Every person believes that their own child is extraordinarily talented. Their child is unique in almost every way compared to anyone else’s child. If their child’s results aren’t good, there’s only one reason: they don’t try hard enough, they slack off a bit because they’re young and don’t understand, but with just a little effort they could surpass everyone else. The child is actually good as a student, but because they misbehave and don’t study properly, this is their current state. Even when their elder brother’s son comes first in an exam while their own infinitely gifted child fails the same exam, their firm belief remains that their own child actually studies less and has given their cousin the opportunity to get ahead! Everyone who gambles in casinos believes their chances of winning are higher than anyone else’s. Every college professor thinks they teach better than everyone else, work harder for their students. Even when some symptoms or suspicions of breast cancer creep into their minds, most women don’t want to get breast examinations because they assume, “Why on earth would I get breast cancer?” Every lover thinks he’s different from everyone else. He looks better than others, more handsome, smarter; his voice is the most romantic. Whatever else he may be, he’s not an average sort of lover. Beside his beloved, any other man in the world would be mismatched. In his realm of love, he is the most handsome and worthy hero!
That’s how it is. We are tremendously optimistic about ourselves, about our own families, about our own children. But aside from ourselves, we have little optimism about anyone else. Whatever misfortunes may befall others, nothing bad will happen to us. Everyone else will die, only we will remain immortal. Our future will be the most beautiful. Standing before a mirror, everyone sees themselves and thinks they are one of the most beautiful people in the world. How funny are you? How attractive are you? How intelligent are you? How honest are you? How humble are you? How logical are you? When asked such questions, almost all of us would consider ourselves superior to others. If everyone is the best, is that even possible? If everyone is excellent, who will be average or inferior? Yet we truly feel comfortable thinking this way. Everyone thinks they are right, and everyone else is wrong. The most beautiful days will be theirs, while everyone else sits around sucking their thumbs. Now the question is, how good is such thinking for us? Some would say no, this isn’t a good thing. Some would say that living with lowered expectations leads to happiness in life. If we don’t desire great things in life, if we don’t hope for love, good health, success, then we will never be disappointed. If we don’t live in expectation of good things, then if something good suddenly happens, it will be a wonderful surprise for us. Getting something good without asking for it will make us tremendously happy.
A study has shown that among students, those with higher expectations also have greater self-confidence, and their success rate is higher too. How so? When they get an A+ on an exam, they think, “I’m a genius, that’s why I got an A+, and I’ll get A+ in the future too.” Even if they fail an exam, they still think they didn’t fail due to their own fault, but rather because the exam wasn’t fair—that’s why they got a bad result. Next time the result will surely be good. From this self-confidence, they study better and achieve good results. On the other hand, among students with lower expectations, if they do very well on an exam, they think it’s because the exam questions were easy or the papers were graded leniently that they got high marks. Next time they will surely get caught as usual. When they fail an exam, they simply assume that what was bound to happen has happened! Such a lack of self-confidence makes them mentally weaker and they can’t progress as much. The main point here is that due to different mental frameworks, one group of students becomes less confident, studies less, and gets lower marks on exams, while another group of students becomes highly confident, studies more, and gets higher marks on exams. This is why in most cases, good students always do well and poor students always do poorly. When someone who always comes first does come first, no one thinks anything of it, but when someone who has never come first somehow manages to come first once, they themselves suffer from guilt! If a student can be shaped from childhood to be confident, responsible, and hardworking, they never have to fall behind later on.
The Future
Whatever the eventual outcome, waiting for something good keeps people well, keeps them happy. Let me tell you about a fascinating study. Once, American economist George Loewenstein asked his class students, “Suppose you got the chance to kiss your favorite celebrity. But you’d have to pay for it. How much would you be willing to spend in each case—write separately: If you could get that kiss right now? If you could get the kiss within the next 3 hours? Within the next 24 hours? Within the next 3 days? Within the next year? After 10 years? Think carefully and submit your answer on paper.” It turned out that the students were willing to spend the most money not for kissing immediately at that very moment, but rather for waiting three days to kiss—they showed more eagerness to pay extra for that waiting period. They had no objection to spending extra for the anticipation. However, none of them wanted to pay more to wait a whole year for the kiss, because so many things could happen in a year that they might lose the opportunity altogether. Almost no one was willing to spend any money to wait 10 years, reasoning that the celebrity would be old by then, and what’s the point of kissing such an old person? Three days, though—that’s just right. Worth spending more for! (Whether they would spend those three days grooming themselves or continuously practicing their kissing technique to become skilled kissers wasn’t revealed in the study, unfortunately!) If you kiss right away, the fun ends immediately! Better to have that wonderful moment coming in three days—the anticipation of that magical instant, the eager longing and taut excitement of waiting for it brings far, far more happiness. The anticipation of a kiss gives more pleasure than the kiss itself. That’s why most students were willing to pay more for that option.
Those who have one weekly holiday—Friday—love Thursday more than they love Friday. They even rank Wednesday above Friday in preference. Yet Thursday and Wednesday are both work days, while Friday is the day of rest. Still, Thursday tops their preference list—that day marks the end of a tiring work week. Then comes Wednesday—the day after which Thursday arrives. Friday comes last! Another reason people prefer Thursday more—Thursday means anticipation of a wonderful weekend. Friday, on the other hand, means the weary, tedious, helpless wait for another busy week! The anticipation of happiness brings more joy than happiness itself!
Optimists
prefer to wait for more and more kisses in the future, they prefer to wait for such a day when they can wander freely in the park without any kind of tension. Such wonderfully beautiful waiting keeps them mentally and physically healthy. They are happier than realists. As long as they live, they live with beautiful minds and healthy bodies. What does this mean?
Optimism
presents harsh reality in a simplified manner. Sometimes the world appears before our eyes exactly as we dream it to be. Say you feel like having Mexican food. Then, while walking down the street, you’ll discover Mexican restaurants that you had never noticed before.
Optimism works as a catalyst for academic success, encourages victory in sports, helps achieve success in politics, plays a role in business growth. It is through the force of boundless optimism that even the most unknown team defeats the world’s best team. The more one believes that the future will be beautiful, the less their worry, the less their anxiety, and consequently they live with better health.
Two people afflicted with cancer, whose life expectancy is at most three months. One is told this terrible truth, the other is told nothing about it.
It will be seen that the second person lived longer than the first. Optimism has many such benefits.
But
yes, excessive optimism sometimes undermines actual reality. If we do not act with an understanding of reality, it is not possible to go very far relying solely on optimism. If that is the case, can we truly live with hope? How much does such living touch the most arduous bridge between desire and capability? When
one of our expectations is not fulfilled, we then change it in accordance with our desire and capability. There was a desire to send the son to medical college, but the son could not succeed in the medical entrance exam. What do the parents do then?
If
the parents have both the desire and the capability to make their son a doctor, they send him to a private college. In this case, the parents have to step back from their expectation of sending their son to a government medical college. And if there is only desire, without capability, there is nothing to do but sacrifice that desire. In this case, due to financial inadequacy, the parents have to change their career expectations for their son. A failed child makes their parents fail. In the past, there were certain communities that believed it was possible to bring rain by dancing collectively under the open sky.
Whenever they saw the sky cloudy, everyone would start dancing together. If it ever happened that they all danced together but no rain came, they would assume that surely there was some mistake in their dancing. If they danced properly, rain would have come! Excessive optimism sometimes also gives birth to superstition.
Let me tell you a fascinating mystery about our brains. Once, a group of middle-aged people were asked, “What do you think are your chances of getting cancer?” One group answered, “Fifty percent.” They were told, “Here’s some good news for you. The chances of a middle-aged person getting cancer are typically thirty percent.” Hearing this, most of them said, “Well then, in my case the risk might be thirty-five percent or a bit more.” There were some extremely optimistic people who had said their chances were ten percent. “Bad news for you! It’s usually thirty percent.” “Oh no! My chances of getting cancer could be at most eleven percent. Nothing more than that! I know myself—I know how I am!”
Why does this happen? When we tell someone the divorce rate is forty percent, they automatically assume they’re not among that forty percent of couples. They are unique, their life is unique; therefore, their fate is unique too. Only the good things in the world are reserved for them. When someone learns that the risk of getting cancer is thirty percent, if that thirty percent is higher than their own estimate, they become even more optimistic. And when that thirty percent is lower than their estimate, they can’t quite manage to be as optimistic. What does this mean? When you give people more hope than they expected, they can’t immediately become that hopeful. Again, when you give people less hope than they expected, they can’t immediately become that despairing. A smoker knows that smoking causes death. A smoker believes that smoking will cause everyone else’s death except their own. This is optimism! But why do people blow away the possibility of anything terrible happening to them personally? When you tell someone, “Flat prices are rising,” they immediately assume their flat’s value will double! Yet tell the same person, “The stock market might crash,” and they refuse to believe that the shares they bought could plummet at any moment!
The real mystery behind all of this unfolds within our brain. Its left hemisphere becomes active when we harbor negative thoughts, and precisely then, when our brain receives some positive news, its function is to not receive that positive information as positively as it should. This is why, even after hearing that the cancer risk is 30 percent, since the brain was already holding onto negative information (50 percent), it received the relatively less alarming new information in a somewhat amplified form (35 percent). On the other hand, the right side of the brain becomes active when we maintain a positive mindset, and precisely then, when our brain receives some negative news, its function is to not receive that negative information as negatively as it could. This is why, even after hearing that the cancer risk is 30 percent, since the brain was already holding onto positive information (10 percent), it received the relatively more alarming new information in only a slightly amplified form (11 percent). Human motivation or lack thereof depends on this mysterious game of the brain. Human effort and achievement are controlled by optimism through this very process. During World War II, the women imprisoned in German concentration camps eventually stopped menstruating. The signal that childbirth and child-rearing would be virtually impossible in that hostile environment became deeply embedded in the brain, and accordingly, the natural physiological cycle of the camp women temporarily altered. All our internal and external activities depend on how our brain receives and processes any given event or tendency.
Now the question arises: can we somehow control this game of the brain? Can’t something be done so that the brain always responds positively? To solve this problem, a neuroscientist sent special magnetic signals to the left hemisphere of a negatively-minded person’s brain, effectively shutting down its normal function for about half an hour, and during that time the person actually began making positive decisions. But how long did that effect last? Not very long. Within a short time after the artificial signals stopped, the negatively-minded person returned to their natural form in all their negative glory! Why does this happen? Positive-minded people extract and utilize the positive aspects from any information (whether positive or negative). Similarly, negative-minded people extract and utilize the negative aspects from any information (whether positive or negative).
Think about it—why is a diamond the most unyielding and hardest of substances? Because at the moment of its birth, it endured impossible pressure. Those who achieve remarkable success in various spheres of life have also reached their present position through countless trials and tribulations. Like diamonds, they never shatter under a hundred blows. In this harsh, unforgiving world, they possess all the preparation needed to walk with dignity, heads held high. But does only a positive mindset help us accomplish our tasks beautifully and properly? Can we always avoid everything negative? Firefighters and rescue workers in various disasters are trained to assume, before embarking on any mission, that the situation could turn extremely dire or spiral beyond control—with this in mind, they formulate the safest possible plan for escape. The military and other defense forces are taught the same kind of mental framework. When designing various projects, all negative aspects are considered when determining cost and timeline. If people kept divorce as even a slight possibility in mind when getting married, wedding expenses would drop considerably!
Between hope and expectation, which serves us better? First, let’s examine what hope is, what expectation is. Hope is when we wish for something to happen. If it does, we’ll be overjoyed. It wasn’t supposed to happen, so its occurrence—or gaining something as a result—is like receiving a gift. Even if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t matter, because we knew it wasn’t meant to be; we merely hoped it would. Hope is something whose absence brings no sorrow, but whose fulfillment brings one hundred percent joy. Expectation, on the other hand, is when we take it for granted that something will happen, or that we’re entitled to receive something. If it happens, it creates no special joy in our minds, because we think: what was meant to be has simply come to pass—what’s there to celebrate? But if it doesn’t happen, it brings infinite sorrow, because we think: what should have happened, didn’t. Expectation is something whose absence brings one hundred percent sorrow, yet whose fulfillment generates no additional happiness.
The only way to be happy is to live with high aspirations and low expectations. High aspirations are good, but blind optimism becomes a cause of harm to people. What are high aspirations? Let me explain with an example. I know I cannot touch the moon, but if I take a vow to touch the moon and try tremendously with proper effort, even if I cannot touch the moon, I will at least be able to touch the stars in the sky. And if I somehow manage to touch the moon, then the entire achievement becomes a bonus! This theory applies when setting career goals. If one cannot courageously desire something great, the desire to achieve something great within oneself never awakens, and consequently, planning and hard work to attain it are never undertaken. People recognize their own strengths when preparing themselves for something great. What is blind optimism? You are trying hard to fulfill your dreams. But every time your efforts are failing. What does this mean? You need to change the nature of your efforts, or increase the amount of effort. If instead of doing this, you cling to the belief that whatever happens, you will definitely be able to fulfill your dreams because you are optimistic about yourself, then you are living in a fool’s paradise. In reality, nothing can be achieved through efforts with wrong strategies; some time and labor are simply wasted unnecessarily. Such blind optimism can give nothing more than momentary self-satisfaction.
All this amounts to saying that we can neither be excessively optimistic nor excessively pessimistic. But then what’s the way forward? Let me explain through a story. One day a group of penguins decided they would fly. But penguins can’t fly. These penguins also knew that flight was impossible for them. One who cannot believe he can fly will never be able to fly. So they firmly convinced themselves that they would fly! They thought, with effort, nothing is impossible in this world. They decided they must now do something they had never done before, something that had never even crossed their minds. Because they wanted to acquire an ability they had never possessed. To gain something extraordinary, one must do something extraordinary! Together they all climbed to the top of a high hill. It was decided that everyone would jump simultaneously from there and begin flying before hitting the ground. Their hope, confidence, and determination about flying knew no bounds. Other penguins began laughing at their efforts. Among them was one penguin who had strapped a parachute to his back before climbing the hill. When he brought the parachute along, his thinking was: it would be wonderful if he could fly through his own effort after jumping from the hill, but if for some reason that didn’t happen, at least he could fulfill his dream by flying with the parachute. With the parachute strapped to his back, the poor fellow looked quite ridiculous. Both his companion penguins and the other penguins mocked him terribly. Reaching the hilltop, all the penguins jumped together. What was bound to happen, happened. Except for that one penguin, all the others crashed to the ground in pain, and the other penguins laughed at them just as before. But that ridiculous-looking penguin soared away supported by his parachute. His companion penguins and the other penguins applauded him, saluted him. He had different preparation for doing something different. To accomplish something extraordinary, one must have extraordinary preparation. Baseless optimism or faith without proper planning and preparation serves no purpose. Ignoring what others say and simply working toward fulfilling one’s dream is not enough—one must also pay attention to whether the work is being done with the right strategy. It’s better to sleep than to labor with the wrong method. “I hope everything will happen exactly as I wish”—a wonderful sentiment. But if for some reason it doesn’t happen that way, I must also have the foresight to handle that situation.